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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow dd12 to attend my smear test?

779 replies

Toomanychefs · 24/01/2019 00:39

I have my smear test tomorrow. Mentioned it to dd and she asked if she could come with me. I said yes, of course, but dp thinks I'm totally out of order.
So not to drip feed, my dm is a cervical cancer survivor, my smears are always clear, dd has just had her hpv jab at school.
Dps ex wife has never had a smear test as she's 'too private and doesn't want to be violated'
My thoughts are, 'get her to realise its not a big deal so she has no problem going for hers'
Dp says I'm going to scar her for life.
She's not going to be standing at the end of the bed watching the intricate detail (although I'd happily allow her to if it meant she'd realise the importance)
Aibu?

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 26/01/2019 07:59

I’m not sure what you would gain from having them in the room that you couldn’t achieve with a conversation?

Yes, I agree.

Sitting in the waiting room and seeing Mum going in and coming out five minutes later the same as when she went in proves the point just as well as sitting behind the curtain.

flowerfairy6004 · 26/01/2019 08:13

@FamilyOfAliens earlier in the thread a lot of people were saying how it was wrong for the OP to take her daughter into the actual smear test. As a country in general we tend to be quite prudish in what we discuss with children but in countries where they are more open you find that their sexual health in general is better because people discuss it more - most people have sexual health tests between partners without it having the stigma of being shameful for instance. Cervical smear tests are at an all time low in the UK at present - if our daughters witness their mothers having regular check ups they will too as they’ll consider it normal.

FamilyOfAliens · 26/01/2019 08:39

poster flowerfairy6004

But posters suggesting she didn’t take her daughter into the appointment with her weren't suggesting she didn’t discuss sexual health with her daughter.

That’s the leap you made.

FamilyOfAliens · 26/01/2019 08:40

Mean to @ you there. Not sure what happened!

flowergrrl77 · 26/01/2019 08:55

I think it’s my daughters right for me to be open and honest about bodies, she will have a grown up body one day too and when SHE asks, as your daughter has, I will do be my best to give her the information she wants and needs.

My daughter isn’t at the smear asking she yet, but she’s not far off! She’s constantly talking about body changes that she sees in her friends.

OP, I say do what you think is best! I can only imagine a nurse would be happy to know another lady won’t be daft and refuse regular smears potentially saving a life!

flowergrrl77 · 26/01/2019 08:56

P.S. I hope your smear went well xx

yorkrose · 26/01/2019 09:09

Curiosity killed the cat!

It might put her off at this age. Good to talk about it and how important it is to have regular tests. I personally would let her sit in the waiting room so she will know what a quick process it is. Don't forget to exit with a smile!

PurpleDaisies · 26/01/2019 09:10

She did york. It happened yesterday.

PurpleDaisies · 26/01/2019 09:14

I can only imagine a nurse would be happy to know another lady won’t be daft and refuse regular smears potentially saving a life!

Daft? Sone women have made an informed decision not to have smears based on their personal risk vs the of unnecessary treatment. Others have suffered awful assault. Lovely to write everyone off as “daft”.

DeniseRoyal · 26/01/2019 09:15

Folk on here are so weird, its fine to take her OP, and good to let her see thats is not as bad as it seems. Go for it, ignore the weird naysayers!

yorkrose · 26/01/2019 09:38

Thanks Purple daisies. Sorry didn't read all.

FamilyOfAliens · 26/01/2019 09:39

Folk on here are so weird, its fine to take her OP

“Folk” having different opinions from the OP - or from you - doesn’t make them weird @DeniseRoyal

newnameforthis7 · 26/01/2019 09:49

Agree with familyofaliens

'People are so weird' = 'how dare people have different opinions to me, I am RIGHT damn you all, and everyone else is wrong - WRONG I tellz ya!' Grin

DeniseRoyal · 26/01/2019 10:20

I on no way think my opinion is 'right', its simply my opinion. What I find odd is the extreme reactions of some of the posters, as if taking her daughter into the smear test with her is utterley horrific. But well done for done @newnameforthis for assuming my outrage when it was a lighthearted observation 🙄

FamilyOfAliens · 26/01/2019 10:23

You didn’t say it was your opinion that people are weird, @DeniseRoyal.

You said people are weird, and then you repeated it at the end of your post.

DeniseRoyal · 26/01/2019 10:46

Still an opinion @FamilyofAliens....🙄🙄🙄

Advicewouldbelovelyta · 26/01/2019 10:47

Oops, my kids come to all my docs appointments lol there's a curtain, they don't see past my waist, no biggy

EveSaidWhat · 26/01/2019 10:52

'Sitting in the waiting room and seeing Mum going in and coming out five minutes later the same as when she went in proves the point just as well as sitting behind the curtain.'

Yes it's odd that people think sitting on the other side of a curtain 'demystifies' it. No, a conversation with simple explanations demystifies it, not the hidden rustling from 6 feet away.

itsonlysubterfuge · 26/01/2019 11:04

My DD has been with me to all of mine, she stays on the other side of the curtain. She is only 6. Last time I went she asked all about it. I showed her the equipment and explained what it was for and why. She was very happy to learn. The nurse wasn't bothered and in the end thanked me for being such a wonderful patient as she had a student nurse with her. What is wrong with teaching children? In my mind it's no different from my DD watching them take my blood and explaining what it's for.

petmad · 26/01/2019 11:13

if youre both comfortable with it let her go as you say shes not gonna be at the bed end how else are girls gonna learn to look after their health

PurpleDaisies · 26/01/2019 11:16

how else are girls gonna learn to look after their health

How many daughters go with their mums to find out what smear tests are like? There’s plenty of information out there. Talking openly about it is a good thing. There’s no need for girls to actually attend smears.

pigsDOfly · 26/01/2019 11:26

So '12 year old child goes in with mother to see smear test shock' is all nonsense.

The OP did rather lead one to think that she was taking her child into the room where, although she 'wouldn't be at the end of the bed watching' she would actually be in her mother's company while the test was being carried out so that the whole process could be 'demystified'.

So in the end, she was no more at the appointment than any other child who accompanies his/her mother to a doctor's/nurse' appointment and waits in the waiting room or on the other side of the curtain.

Tbh I would have been a bit surprised if the person carrying out the test would have been okay with a 12 year old child watching, but don't know how much the patient is allowed to decide these things.

You might just as well ask if you should allow all the other patients in A&E to sit in on your consultation with the doctor, or all the other patients in your hospital ward sit in because they too are behind a curtain.

So like thousands of other mothers, many of whom have no one to leave their children with, the OP took her 12 year old daughter along to a smear test appointment where the child sat behind a curtain like all the other children do.

So they all feel the need to start a thread on it? No, because the child isn't actually going to be involved in the process or see anything at all.

What a load of hoohaa about a non event.

Commonwasher · 26/01/2019 11:35

There are some funny responses on here. Explain the drill before and get her to sit at the head end. You’re setting your DD a good example.

howabout · 26/01/2019 11:38

how else are girls gonna learn to look after their health

Not sure how many Mothers would be proposing taking their 12 yo to their next appointment to discuss STD symptoms, painful periods, contraception, menopause symptoms etc etc etc.

flowergrrl77 · 26/01/2019 11:39

Apologies for all upset @PurpleDaisies

A friend died at Christmas from cancer so it’s just how I feel right now. Everyone is entitled to their own path. Which by the way, also gives me the right to think some people daft. Just as right now, you seem to really hate me, that’s your choice, you get to hate me if you want.

Of course I’d never force anyone to have a smear test! I also realise that for some it’s a mental health mine field, for example if someone has been assaulted (just an example!!)
It’s none of my business why someone else chooses to have smears or not. I get to have my own feelings on the matter though.