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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow dd12 to attend my smear test?

779 replies

Toomanychefs · 24/01/2019 00:39

I have my smear test tomorrow. Mentioned it to dd and she asked if she could come with me. I said yes, of course, but dp thinks I'm totally out of order.
So not to drip feed, my dm is a cervical cancer survivor, my smears are always clear, dd has just had her hpv jab at school.
Dps ex wife has never had a smear test as she's 'too private and doesn't want to be violated'
My thoughts are, 'get her to realise its not a big deal so she has no problem going for hers'
Dp says I'm going to scar her for life.
She's not going to be standing at the end of the bed watching the intricate detail (although I'd happily allow her to if it meant she'd realise the importance)
Aibu?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 26/01/2019 11:44

Just as right now, you seem to really hate me, that’s your choice, you get to hate me if you want.

What a ridiculous overreaction to my post. Confused. I disagreed with you. This is a discussion forum.

PurpleDaisies · 26/01/2019 11:45

Sorry you lost your friend.Flowers

FamilyOfAliens · 26/01/2019 11:50

Still an opinion FamilyofAliens....🙄🙄🙄

Not when stated as a fact, no.

If you’d said “in my opinion” maybe.

SuperSue77 · 26/01/2019 12:15

Had to stop rtwt at page 10 as not got time to go through them all but I would definitely take either of my daughters if they wanted to come. I am fortunate to have straight forward smears that have had no issues and do not cause me discomfort. I can see it not being right for some daughters (squeamish ones) or for some mums (those who are uncomfortable having them). The more we show it as a normal medical procedure like having your eyes tested the more we encourage people to go.
For those asking whether they'd let their curious teen watch them having sex - that is so ridiculous! I have no trouble with my daughters seeing my breasts when I'm in the shower or when I was breast feeding, but I would not let anyone watch what my husband does to them in the privacy of our bedroom! You cannot compare sex and medical procedures - and a smear is just a medical procedure, it is not sexual because it involves the vagina.

OneOfTheGrundys · 26/01/2019 12:19

Normalising a smear test is great. It’s a basic healthcare procedure that could save your life. I’d take her defo.

ethelfleda · 26/01/2019 12:27

Normalising a smear test is great. It’s a basic healthcare procedure that could save your life

This.
It’s just a vagina. You both have one. I think it’s a good idea as long as you’re both ok with it, OP.

meercatz · 26/01/2019 12:31

I think it really awful that you know about your patterns ex p supposed views.

Sorry I think this is ridiculous.

Go.

Tell your step daughter you are going.

That enough and don't try pry into personal procedures of your partner's ex.

You don't really know if your partner's ex goes for tests or doesn't go because of difficult issues.

I would be very pissed off if someone took my own daughter to their smear test.

EveSaidWhat · 26/01/2019 12:32

'It’s just a vagina. You both have one'

What's that got to do with anything. Maybe they could have a mammogram trip next?

Normalising doesnt mean attending.

meercatz · 26/01/2019 12:33

And sorry I speak as someone whose mother got Cervical cancer.

I don't think going to a smear test and watching or observing one will normalise it.

If you want you could ask your step d to watch the channel 4 news.

meercatz · 26/01/2019 12:34

It's just a vagina - can't imagine saying that to a rape victim to be honest...

Sorry I am probably detailing the thread....

ethelfleda · 26/01/2019 12:35

Meerkatz it is the OPs daughter, not step daughter.

ethelfleda · 26/01/2019 12:36

It's just a vagina - can't imagine saying that to a rape victim to be honest

Wow - that was a big leap!! Teaching your daughter it’s perfectly ok to have a medical professional carry out such a procedure is a million miles away from being raped!!!

Kemer2018 · 26/01/2019 12:37

I had to take my Dd when much younger. No childcare.
She came into the room, i asked her not to worry, mum needs this little check and that she needed to sit down.
She didn't come behind the curtain.
At 12, she wouldn't come around the curtain.
Thinking back to when i was 12, i would have been absolutely mortified to see mum being examined!!! I got on well with my Mum, but noooo!

meercatz · 26/01/2019 12:37

Ok sorry.

apologies...

I mucked that up then Angry apologies again

meercatz · 26/01/2019 12:39

I obviously got the thread wrong but the massive leap was me thinking

Victims of sexual assault can be rightly reluctant to have any kind of internal exam.

I obviously got the story completely wrong as I thought the mum (now realise it was the step mum) had valid concerns about getting a smear test.

theveryhighlife · 26/01/2019 12:44

I really don't see the problem. If she wants to go take her.
I had my Mum present when I gave birth both times and she helped me when I was struggling to get the baby to latch on during breastfeeding.
I don't think it's something you need to hide from her.

meercatz · 26/01/2019 12:46

Right will leave thread.. so my whole perspective was to normalise smear tests great but don't be surprised if lots of women never feel comfortable and or because of past abuse are reluctant or find it difficult and or want to request a female nurse.

I would not want to attend with someone or be introduced to smear tests by being with my mum or step mum but that is me.

Peace and love and all that people

MotherofKitties · 26/01/2019 12:48

Do it.

My mum had cervical cancer twice and survived both times, but it made me adamant to religiously attend all of my smear tests. If it encourages her to go to the doctor and get checked out, go for it.

To be honest I'm quite baffled at all the 'noooo don't do it!' responses, it's no big issue!

OneOfTheGrundys · 26/01/2019 12:49

Honestly? I think taking her to a mammogram would be ok too!
It’s not a ‘trip’ out... it’s going for a standard medical procedure... fine.
Obviously, if there has been trauma or any other issue that could cause serious sensibility it may not be appropriate but that’s for them to call.

newnameforthis7 · 26/01/2019 13:02

Agree with @FamilyOfAliens

You did not post a mere 'lighthearted opinion' @DeniseRoyal you blatantly said people are WEIRD purely for thinking differently to you. Which makes you narrow minded and ignorant frankly.

how else can girls learn to look after their health

@howabout

Not sure how many Mothers would be proposing taking their 12 yo to their next appointment to discuss STD symptoms, painful periods, contraception, menopause symptoms etc etc etc.

Exactly! To suggest that mothers take their children to every medical appointment so they can see what it's like, and learn about it otherwise they will be traumatised when it happens to them and suchlike , is just daft!

As a pp said, girls don't need to attend everything their mother goes to, for it to be 'normalized.' Do these same people think that all boys should go to the doctors with their father when he has his prostate examined, or his piles looked at? Confused

winniestone37 · 26/01/2019 13:04

This reply has been deleted

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newnameforthis7 · 26/01/2019 13:07

@winniestone37

And I am STUNNED at the amount of obnoxious, ignorant, narrow minded women who are so STUNNED that some women would DARE to think differently to them. Wink

OneOfTheGrundys · 26/01/2019 13:08

Well, piles, no... that’s something that may or may not happen.

Basic healthcare screening will be offered to our children and taking the offer of that screening up absolutely should be normalised. So if a prostate examination was something extended to all men at a certain age and they judged that their young sons were mature enough and that the procedure would not upset them in any way they absolutely should go. Again. Trauma issues excepted.

newnameforthis7 · 26/01/2019 13:08

Accusing other women of being 'backward' and immature PURELY for having a different view to you, says a lot about you @winniestone37

OneOfTheGrundys · 26/01/2019 13:11

I don’t think I’m suggesting that children should go along to all appointments.

My children know I take medication for depression but their attendance at an appointment to discuss this would be inappropriate. They know their dad has a terminal illness and have attended some of the appointments for his procedures and this has taken away some of the fear for them. Not all though. That would be totally inappropriate.