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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow dd12 to attend my smear test?

779 replies

Toomanychefs · 24/01/2019 00:39

I have my smear test tomorrow. Mentioned it to dd and she asked if she could come with me. I said yes, of course, but dp thinks I'm totally out of order.
So not to drip feed, my dm is a cervical cancer survivor, my smears are always clear, dd has just had her hpv jab at school.
Dps ex wife has never had a smear test as she's 'too private and doesn't want to be violated'
My thoughts are, 'get her to realise its not a big deal so she has no problem going for hers'
Dp says I'm going to scar her for life.
She's not going to be standing at the end of the bed watching the intricate detail (although I'd happily allow her to if it meant she'd realise the importance)
Aibu?

OP posts:
newnameforthis7 · 26/01/2019 13:11

There are a lot of nasty personal attacks on here, against women who don't like the idea of taking a 12 y.o. to a smear - from the ones who think it's OK.

Just bore off. The ones who are against it, are not personally attacking those who are all for it.

Makes you all look very rude and obnoxious and ignorant.

Just so ya know! Hmm

pigsDOfly · 26/01/2019 13:30

But the child didn't actually go in with her mother for the appointment, she was behind the curtain. There was nothing for her to see. So why are people get so nasty about the whole difference of opinion.

She didn't see her mother have a smear test.

Vivianebrezilletbrooks · 26/01/2019 14:03

If you're going to educate your daughter about smears that's fine but please do tell her both sides of the argument. Don't just tell her what the leaflets women get from their doctors say. I have previously mentioned the work of Dr Margaret McCarthy and women need to know both sides to make an informed decision and that there is a choice in the matter and for some women (including myself) for many reasons the risks are miniscule but the leaflets and such you get of course are biased and would never actually tell you this so some women get unnecessarily tested not to mention in some cases coerced into having it done.
Smear testing for you women is at an all time low and Jo's trust capitalized on the Jade Goody scenario so more girls did go and have it done but negated to tell anyone what she had was a rare form that can't be detected by a smear test.
So by all means educate her but not just with the leaflets from the doctors and please tell her it is a choice and not compulsory.

Vivianebrezilletbrooks · 26/01/2019 14:04

I meant to put young women not you women btw!

ladyvimes · 26/01/2019 14:13

I don’t get why it’s any different to a child wanting to see a parent get a blood test. It’s just a medical procedure and if all parties are comfortable then what’s the issue? Not sure why this has caused such a massive debate. Some people are so weird about bodies!

FamilyOfAliens · 26/01/2019 14:53

Some people are so weird about bodies!

No, @ladyvimes, as I explained to the other poster who called people who disagreed with her “weird”, it’s a difference of opinion. Don’t you think life would be pretty tedious if everyone held the same opinions as you?

Smotheroffive · 26/01/2019 14:54

We discussed that stat as a family, and we were very Hmm about it. Suspicious of its accuracy. Where did it come from that the average age is so low? Find it so hard to believe, although with most by the age 14 having seen porn, it does make you wonder, clearly in some corners of the country it is happening at that age and also a lot younger.

ClothesHangingOnTheFloor · 26/01/2019 15:22

I'm fairly open with my 12 year old daughter, she asks me questions about her female health without shyness or embarrassment, but if she wanted to come along to a smear test, I'd probably say no, because as curious as she'd be, I'm entitled to my privacy as much as she is to her's.

However, first of all, I'd look for educational resources to discuss it first, because, you know, it's nothing to be ashamed of. I'd also make her aware that she won't have to deal with smear tests until she's a lot older, and that the HPV vaccine should lower her risks of there being anything to worry about in her future.

My thoughts with both of my kids (16M and 12F) has been, if they're old enough to ask questions, they're old enough to get the answers in an age-appropriate manner (and only you can judge what's appropriate for your own child).

Deadpoet · 26/01/2019 16:22

I took my eldest as she asked to come at about this age. When she was 16 she needed a swab taken. She made the appointment, went to our male doctor, had the swab whilst I waited in the waiting room. We are very open with telling our children the answers to whatever they wish to know so when she needed to be seen it wasn’t an issue for her. She wasn’t embarrassed or nervous she just got it done.
She’s your daughter, she’s not too young and, if she’s old enough to ask, she’s old enough to know.

howabout · 26/01/2019 16:28

smother this is the most digestible article I could find. Suggests about 30% of under 16s have ever been sexually active which is in line with an average of 16 or above rather than 14.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-44902411

I wonder if the 14 figure is representative of sexual health clinic users as opposed to the general population? The older a person is when they become sexually active the more likely they are to access services via a GP rather than a clinic.

ItsPeanutButterJelly · 26/01/2019 16:32

Just read that Chloe Delevigne had a smear done on live TV - wonder how many people will complain about this?

MagicEye · 26/01/2019 16:39

There really isn’t a need - no do not take her

Smotheroffive · 26/01/2019 18:12

Thanks howabout, that figure feels like a much better fit to what I'd expect. Phew, how worrying the other figure.I also think there is a growing number waiting till older or penetrative sex.

sprot · 26/01/2019 19:05

Definitely take her imho

PurpleDaisies · 26/01/2019 19:06

She did sprot

ladyvimes · 26/01/2019 20:15

@FamilyOfAliens well that’s my opinion! Did you know there’s no rules that say we have to respect each other’s opinions? So I repeat that some people are weird about bodies, in my OPINION. Hmm

FamilyOfAliens · 26/01/2019 21:45

Did you know there’s no rules that say we have to respect each other’s opinions?

Did you know I didn’t say there were?

CountryGirl1234 · 26/01/2019 22:08

Some of these comments... I’d say let her go. If she’s interested and genuinely wants to understand the process then why not? Her curiosity into medicine may not stop there. I think personally I’d say you can come along and see what they use (sure the nurses would show her the tools) then let them do the swab on your own.

Sparklingbrook · 26/01/2019 22:24

She's already been. Grin

Smotheroffive · 26/01/2019 22:29

..in fact we don't know how much sex anyone is having Grin howabout

EugenesAxe · 27/01/2019 00:15

WTF I cannot believe how many people are saying YABU in the first few posts. First, she ASKED to come, second, it will demystify it for her and she'll see how quick it is/ not so bad when you consider the alternative (Confused).

I probably wouldn't want my DD looking straight up my vag TBH but it wouldn't be the end of the world if she was truly cool with it, but to observe at the other end and just see what's used etc. I think is TOTALLY fine. My DM watched the business end of my DS' birth; it felt a bit odd but she said it was surprisingly interesting and wonderful. Fair play to all of them.

Noqont · 27/01/2019 01:31

It's fine op. I would.

wineandtoastfortea · 27/01/2019 07:04

No problem at all. My 4 year old daughter came in with me and didn’t bat an eyelid, she just said as we walked out ‘Mummy your fouf is fine’ Grin

strivingforjustice · 27/01/2019 08:17

I can’t see the relevance of this unless she was about to have a smear herself and was suffering acute anxiety... she won’t be having a smear for years as she is only 12! so although she may be curious it may well have an adverse affect on her for the future regardless of your insouciance about the process... as a child the imprint may be negative in the future... discussing it is a good idea but I don’t think it’s appropriate.
I would have thought the most sensible approach would be to offer to accompany her when she reaches the age she needs a smear and sit at the top end...

Dungeondragon15 · 27/01/2019 09:19

I see that there still are people who have failed to read the thread talking about "victorian attitudes" etc.
Firstly, OP has already had the smear so your advice to her is unnecessary. Second, I bet that very few of you who think it "weird" or "Victorian" to not want your DD to watch you having a smear have let your own DD actually watch your smear so you just pontificating to make yourself feel right on and virtuous. Third, OP's dd did not actually see the smear as was behind a curtain. I doubt anyone thinks it inappropriate but considering she didn't see a thing all the talk of "demystifying" the procedure and "normalising" is also ridiculous.

I don't know why smear rates have decreased but considering this is happening at a time when women are actually given a lot of information and can watch it on television I doubt that lack of information has anything to do with it. I had my first smear in the 80s as a teenager without having any real prior knowledge as did the majority of my peers and it seems that we are the ones who are more likely to have a smear nowadays rather than the people who have been given the talks at school, leaflet on pros and cons, access to videos on smears etc