DS Christmas present from Ex's mum

[Tig33]

I really need some opinions on this as I do not want to be unreasonable, will try to explain the situation as clearly as possible.

I left DS's dad 12 years ago when DS was one due to his unreasonable behaviour (drinking, lying, basically not being a good dad or partner). I wanted to give DS a stable and loving home and I have done so. ex's behaviour since has demonstrated that I made the right choice for DS, ex has been very unreliable with contact and financial support and we have got to the point when the last time he saw DS was last February (so missing DS birthday and Christmas). DS has very little contact with that side of the family at all. February was ex's mum's husband's birthday dinner and that was the last time DS saw or heard from any of them. Usual contact is roughly once per year, prior to this year DS maybe saw his dad 2-3 times a year (often being let down at last minute)

Anyway, what I need advice on is this: Ex's mum's Christmas gift to DS is a 'tree top adventure' at a location near her home. Out of the blue she sent him a card with a note asking for details of his school holidays. DS was not super keen to go but is a very polite child so said he would go so I emailed her with the dates. She replied to say that she would come and pick DS up on the Saturday and they would meet up with the rest of the family (including DS dad) on the Sunday. Travel is invovled. This means DS staying over with her which DS doesn't feel happy to do.

She is really a stranger to him as he has seen her so infrequently.

I replied to say that DS would prefer to go there in the Sunday but she said that does not work for them.

I feel I am being put in a difficult position as I do not want DS to be upset and I do not want to rock the boat with Ex's family.

An option would be for me to offer to take DS there and pick him
Up but based on a previous event when I did just that they were very rude to me, plus I work full time and do not want to spend my precious Sunday driving 1.5 hours there hanging around all day then driving back.

Sorry this is so long hope someone reads it.. would I be unreasonable to say sorry that does not suit us DS can't make it (tempted to point out why and perhaps highlight that DS has not seen his dad for a year!)

Thanks for reading!

"...will probably feel a bit anguished about letting his GPs down if he doesn't go at all."

He is not letting anyone down. His grandmother has had 12 months to get to know him. This trip is not a treat. It is an obligation. But he is not obligated!

Catsinthecupboard the OP has brought her son up songle handed. That's motherhood plus. No help from the dad or his parents.

Sorry. 12 years.

This is very stressful for you. There is some great advice on here. I agree with perfectstorm’s suggestion.

You’ve kept door open for your ex & his family to have contact & that is important. However, they’ve chosen this approach where clearly your son & what he might want is not their priority. It’s about what suits them & allows them sporadic opportunities to play extended happy family, where they can say, & pretend to themselves, that they have made an effort to have contact.

It’s pretty clear that your ex’s approach to parenting & responsibility has been largely informed by his own Mother’s dysfunctional approach.

You’re doing a great job and it’s important that you understand that & be proud.

Good luck with your decision. Trust your instinct &, as many others have said, do what you know is best for your son. You’ve raised him, you’re his person, the one he relies entirely on, the one he trusts to make things right & protect him. Your ex & his family have played no role whatsoever in raising him. It’s all about them.

Good and right decision - your ds will feel great you are supporting him
Let us know what she says!

How about saying he just doesn't like to do sleepovers? It's not like they know him well enough to call you out on it. Maybe you can drive him there on the Sunday morning and they can bring him back Sunday night, which it sounds like they were planning to do anyway. Whatever you do, don't put the ex's family's feelings above those of your son. It sounds like his father has never put him first, and he needs to know he has one grownup who always will.

Tig33 my ds had similar behaviour from his dad throughout his childhood so I sympathise. I know how difficult it is to find the best way through it for your ds. You sound like a lovely mum.

You can't protect him from his feelings; if he's hurt by his dad's behaviour it's an appropriate response to hurtful behaviour, and there's nothing you can do about that. What you can do is help him deal with his feelings in the most positive way for him. He's perfectly entitled to choose not to spend time with people who hurt him, even if they are family. It's a very sensible choice. By respecting it, you are teaching him that it's ok to have healthy boundaries.

Keep talking. Allow him to express his feelings (you obviously do) but don't assume them. He may currently feel indifferent rather than stoical (unless he's said otherwise obvs) and that would be a healthy response too. Just make sure he feels safe to express the hurt if/when it surfaces.

It's not your job to facilitate a relationship he doesn't want with a dad who isn't exactly a great role model. You are all the parents he needs. And it's definitely not your job to facilitate his emotional manipulation by anyone, ever. Good decision.

@perfectstorm

I just wanted to say how much your response resonated. My df is being a complete arse right now, favouring one of my kids over the other in a very blatant way. Your reply was what I needed to hear to reassure me that his behaviour is NOT ok and my approach to it is the right thing.

Thank you.

He dsnt want to go that’s that.
Fuck them

These people are reaching out

Reaching out would be finding out what the OP's son likes doing and what he was comfortable with, not an activity of their choice and a sleep over with virtual strangers.

There are MANY things a child has to do that they don't want to. What is she afraid of. What is he? It's not going to kill him.

Any of the things you might fear when you put your child in the care of strangers? It's not a sensible thing to do. It's sad that these grandparents don't have a relationship with the OP, but that isn't her fault.

almostfamousme "You sound like a lovely mum." Absolutely agree.

"You can't protect him from his feelings; if he's hurt by his dad's behaviour it's an appropriate response to hurtful behaviour, and there's nothing you can do about that. What you can do is help him deal with his feelings in the most positive way for him. He's perfectly entitled to choose not to spend time with people who hurt him, even if they are family. It's a very sensible choice. By respecting it, you are teaching him that it's ok to have healthy boundaries."

Absolutely spot on. The whole post.

So many people (dads mostly it seems) squander that brilliant relationship with their kids. Just because the relationship with their child's mum has ended, their responsibility as a parent has not.

My son is adopted. His birth parents could not prioritize his needs.

I often wonder where dad's have so little contact with their kids, if they realize that they are only able to continue 'being parents' (in name) because the mum does such a fabulous job.

There is no other way they could continue being parents because they are not doing the hard work of parenting. Maybe, just showing up with a gift once in a while is not parenting.

Not sure if that makes sense. But I guess I am saying the extended family should know it is only because of you they have contact with son and grandson.

as you he is a polite child he has said he would go but dosent really want to as for a sleepover no chance. stand youre ground he dosent want to so let them know this if they dont like it tuff dont worry about them hes an ex for a reason they shouldnt have got the experience without consulting you.dont worry about rocking the boat it were their sons choice to be a dick not youres.

Am I right in thinking he's 12? Then it's choice not ypurs legally. Ask him what he wants to do and honour it. Abscent Dad's and family can't suddenly decide they want to make it up. That takes talking, asking what the chikd wants and communication. Their approach is arrogant and takes the child's power away (again.)

I’ve got to add. I’ve got two dc from previous relationship and they absolutely had to have contact (court ordered), despite both really not wanting it and pleading and begging me and teachers that they didn’t.

Obviously I stuck to the court ordered contact and would try and make the contact exciting and fun and would have picnics on the way there, buy hot chochoclate/treats on the way home, try and make it fun. And be cheerful on contact weekends.

This didn’t wash with my dc, who were younger.

The result is they both had contact finally stopped when we got a judge with some sense.

However the years of forced contact has resulted in both my dc believing that their feelings and themselves do not matter. That even being harmed is something they have to put up with because others have ‘rights’.

This is a very extreme example, but as a result I’ve spent absolutely years trying to undo the harm this has caused. My younger dc especially won’t even say if someone hurts her and she has been harmed in the past and then blamed when the person hurting her has then lied, luckily in this scenario an independent person witnessed my dc being assaulted and made sure they told people what actually happened.

I don’t buy this, but you make your kids go to school blah blah, if your dc was very distressed about attending school you’d find out why and attempt to rectify whatever was causing the anxiety etc.

In matters like these, where the dc has expressed a desire not to be shunted off to someone who they’re related to but have not spent any significant amount of item with because of the adults decisions, forcing contact on the dc when they’ve made it clear they do not want it, is unnecessary.

OP I think you’re doing the right thing listening to your ds and going with what he wants and is happy with.

Your ex and his family need to put your son first and if they want a relationship with him, they need to set up contact in a way that is acceptable for your ds.
And that’s what they are not doing.

Building bridges... Does not come in the form of...

That doesn't work for us language.

Buildings bridges is humble, consillatory... Kind and respectful.

I don’t buy this, but you make your kids go to school blah blah

Also you send your children to school because you have a reasonable expectation that the teachers will care for them based on evidence of ofsted inspections, regular meetings with teachers and information shared by other pupils and parents.

You don’t just blindly send them off into a strange environment and hope for the best.

I would just tell them it doesn’t work for you. As for damaging his relationship with your ex’s family, it sounds like they’ve done that themselves, as has your ex. Accommodate your DS’s wishes and keep him home. He is more important and will appreciate your protecting his feelings. You sound like an awesome mum.

Reply a firm but polite No and then forget about it - no point dragging it out and giving it any more thought. Stop trying to come up with options to pander to these people. Listen to your son. He won't miss out not knowing them. As I said before if they want a relationship let them be the ones to make the effort by visiting him in your home town and not expecting you to travel to them.

I'd say from reading this that they have had ample time thru the years to keep in frequent contact with your son. Now all of a sudden it's a big deal. I can tell by you reaching out for help you are a good person and a great parent. I side with you, if they can't make it Sunday for him then he wouldn't go. It's all about him. Don't try to appease them. They have had ample time. "It's all about him"