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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS Christmas present from Ex's mum

194 replies

Tig33 · 23/01/2019 22:53

I really need some opinions on this as I do not want to be unreasonable, will try to explain the situation as clearly as possible.

I left DS's dad 12 years ago when DS was one due to his unreasonable behaviour (drinking, lying, basically not being a good dad or partner). I wanted to give DS a stable and loving home and I have done so. ex's behaviour since has demonstrated that I made the right choice for DS, ex has been very unreliable with contact and financial support and we have got to the point when the last time he saw DS was last February (so missing DS birthday and Christmas). DS has very little contact with that side of the family at all. February was ex's mum's husband's birthday dinner and that was the last time DS saw or heard from any of them. Usual contact is roughly once per year, prior to this year DS maybe saw his dad 2-3 times a year (often being let down at last minute)

Anyway, what I need advice on is this: Ex's mum's Christmas gift to DS is a 'tree top adventure' at a location near her home. Out of the blue she sent him a card with a note asking for details of his school holidays. DS was not super keen to go but is a very polite child so said he would go so I emailed her with the dates. She replied to say that she would come and pick DS up on the Saturday and they would meet up with the rest of the family (including DS dad) on the Sunday. Travel is invovled. This means DS staying over with her which DS doesn't feel happy to do.

She is really a stranger to him as he has seen her so infrequently.

I replied to say that DS would prefer to go there in the Sunday but she said that does not work for them.

I feel I am being put in a difficult position as I do not want DS to be upset and I do not want to rock the boat with Ex's family.

An option would be for me to offer to take DS there and pick him
Up but based on a previous event when I did just that they were very rude to me, plus I work full time and do not want to spend my precious Sunday driving 1.5 hours there hanging around all day then driving back.

Sorry this is so long hope someone reads it.. would I be unreasonable to say sorry that does not suit us DS can't make it (tempted to point out why and perhaps highlight that DS has not seen his dad for a year!)

Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
SmokeHeadedThisWay · 25/01/2019 17:29

I'm so glad you're going to refuse. It's horrible of them to think they can just pick him up and then drop him again like a hot brick. That isn't putting his needs first and that's the reason to say no. Quite apart from the fact they denigrate you.

I agree with MLMsuperan's approach. Thank you but no. DS does not want to go. Please respect his wishes.

maureen17 · 25/01/2019 17:32

just say not possible for him to stay the night other things planned will bring him up in the morning .. then no arguments to worry about. x

Port1ajazz · 25/01/2019 17:37

Tig33 I agree it's very strange , why the sudden invite ? I'd be suspicious ! You should. think of your son if he's not happy then he shouldn't go !

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 25/01/2019 17:39

Be the bigger person and drop him off and pick him up.
I’m sure you can spare one Sunday for this. Is not like it happens all the time. You’ll be showing your son that you’ve done everything in your power to let him have a relationship with his dad.
Find a local cinema/shopping centre/massage/nails place etc and treat yourself to something nice while he’s having a nice time.

Angiemum24 · 25/01/2019 17:43

Like you say the6 are basically strangers to your son. You ex hasn’t made any sort of effort so I would do only what your son wants to do.

Staying over is a bit much. Maybe she could visit you and your son first.
I’d be very careful with her as she seems to be pushing to quickly.

beansontoastfortea · 25/01/2019 17:56

Good on him op, he knows what he wants and he’s lucky to have you there to support him

redspottedhankie · 25/01/2019 17:58

Im a bit late to the party and realise the decision looks like its already been made. Just wanted to say that I was a child of a divorce where once parent couldnt really be arsed. They had a new family and I saw them annually at most. My resident parent always "encouraged" me to go on the rare days out I was invited on. I was coaxed to stay over and play happy families every few years when something was happening in the family (parties etc). I hated it. I understand why the coaxing was done (to keep the peace) but please listen to your DS and put his feelings above his pushy grandmas. He doesnt want to stay, so hes not staying. Only his opinion matters and he will thank you for sticking up for him - no matter how much shit that causes. Unfortunately for them hes now a teen and theyre getting back the effort theyve put in since his birth!

redspottedhankie · 25/01/2019 18:00

also when i would say i didnt want to i would get a range of "oh but its only one day", "you will enjoy it when youre there", "they want to see you. its been a year", "but they will be upset if you dont go". nothing bad was happening there - i just felt uncomfortable and they were strangers to me. i would have loved to have my mum just tell them no. so well done OP

coffeewonder · 25/01/2019 18:01

Sarahrellyboo1987 - The op has said that her son doesn’t want to go. These people are virtually strangers to him.

Twisique · 25/01/2019 18:08

Don't forget to mention that he hasn't seen his dad for a year...

Giraffey1 · 25/01/2019 18:10

Your son doesn’t really want to go, he was only being polite. Credit to you, OP, for bringing him up well.

He has had little or no contact with any of these ex family members and Ex MIL etc have not played a role in any meaningful way for all these year and yet they expect to suddenly dip back in just like that?

I don’t think this is in, and I’d be telling them politely but firmly no thank you. I think you are quite within your rights to tell them why, too!

Giraffey1 · 25/01/2019 18:10

Don’t think this is on, not in!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 25/01/2019 18:11

I hummed and aahed because I couldn't afford a holiday abroad for DD at the time and also from stopping her having to chance to be with members she had missed out on. But I DD didn't want to anyway and I would have said no regardless. I told them if they wanted to get to know DD they could do that but gradually and in our hometown not abroad. They weren't happy, I got called all sorts and accused of depriving them of relationship with their GD.

Good for you - you would have effectively been sending your precious child to stay with complete strangers.

merrymouse · 25/01/2019 18:13

I think you have already made the decision, but am just posting to say that if they want to have a relationship with your son, they will make the effort to see him on his terms and prioritise his comfort and well being.

Port1ajazz · 25/01/2019 18:20

1for all excellent ! Best answer to this thread .:+)

Rachand23 · 25/01/2019 18:21

What you are really saying is this is out of character for the in laws, you don’t feel right about it, neither does your son. Go by your gut feelings here because I would be very, very suspicious about this invitation. Hi

AWishForWingsThatWork · 25/01/2019 18:22

I think you've made the right decision. It was your boy's decision, and completely understandable.

TougheningUp · 25/01/2019 18:26

I'm very glad you're listening to your son, Tig33. He doesn't want to go so that's it. Be prepared for them to kick off; don't get drawn into discussions. Just keep repeating, "He doesn't want to go," and don't try to justify this any further.

I hope your son is ok.

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 25/01/2019 18:32

DS has his head screwed on!

I’d be a bit teeth grindy about this from ppl I liked! Ex’s mum can go whistle.

WofflingOn · 25/01/2019 18:34

Sometimes being a parent is having broad shoulders where you take the load for your child. Even if that means bitchy comments and sniping from adults who should be better than that.
He said he doesn’t need anyone but you. That’s a lovely relationship to have with your almost-teen.

MakeItAmazing · 25/01/2019 18:46

It's lovely that you're putting your DS first and not feeling like you have to do what her lady ship demands.

Before I read your update I was going to ask why you'd bother with one more completely full of hassle contact if you weren't going to bother again.

He's lucky to have you.

feministfairy · 25/01/2019 18:55

Sounds like your son has the measure of them OP. Agree with the poster who says 'keep it short'. It is bound to be turned round against you so something like:
Thank you for the invitation. Sadly as DS hasn't seen his Dad since **, an activity and staying overnight seems rather forced in the circumstances. Hopefully (ex) will get in touch with him soon and make arrangements to see him one to one and spend some time with him etc

Just a thought.

Sacredspace · 25/01/2019 19:01

Your child’s feelings have take priority over everyone else’s. Therefore ‘thank you for the thought but that doesn’t work for us’ (her words)! If she pushes it further ‘You are practically strangers to your grandson so therefore he would not feel comfortable with what you propose’.

toffeeghirlinatwirl · 25/01/2019 19:02

You sound a lovely mum. Having been in your shoes, I can emphatically say you have made the right call. Flowers

Hector2000 · 25/01/2019 19:08

I can see the difficulty, and it will undoubtedly be unpleasant for you to drop him and meet them, and again when you pick him up but that is, IMO, the best option. Hope it goes OK, OP