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AIBU?

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Original poster

DS Christmas present from Ex's mum

194 replies

Tig33 · 23/01/2019 22:53

I really need some opinions on this as I do not want to be unreasonable, will try to explain the situation as clearly as possible.

I left DS's dad 12 years ago when DS was one due to his unreasonable behaviour (drinking, lying, basically not being a good dad or partner). I wanted to give DS a stable and loving home and I have done so. ex's behaviour since has demonstrated that I made the right choice for DS, ex has been very unreliable with contact and financial support and we have got to the point when the last time he saw DS was last February (so missing DS birthday and Christmas). DS has very little contact with that side of the family at all. February was ex's mum's husband's birthday dinner and that was the last time DS saw or heard from any of them. Usual contact is roughly once per year, prior to this year DS maybe saw his dad 2-3 times a year (often being let down at last minute)

Anyway, what I need advice on is this: Ex's mum's Christmas gift to DS is a 'tree top adventure' at a location near her home. Out of the blue she sent him a card with a note asking for details of his school holidays. DS was not super keen to go but is a very polite child so said he would go so I emailed her with the dates. She replied to say that she would come and pick DS up on the Saturday and they would meet up with the rest of the family (including DS dad) on the Sunday. Travel is invovled. This means DS staying over with her which DS doesn't feel happy to do.

She is really a stranger to him as he has seen her so infrequently.

I replied to say that DS would prefer to go there in the Sunday but she said that does not work for them.

I feel I am being put in a difficult position as I do not want DS to be upset and I do not want to rock the boat with Ex's family.

An option would be for me to offer to take DS there and pick him
Up but based on a previous event when I did just that they were very rude to me, plus I work full time and do not want to spend my precious Sunday driving 1.5 hours there hanging around all day then driving back.

Sorry this is so long hope someone reads it.. would I be unreasonable to say sorry that does not suit us DS can't make it (tempted to point out why and perhaps highlight that DS has not seen his dad for a year!)

Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
woolduvet · 24/01/2019 13:57

Is it possible that this wasn't arranged for your ds. Ie a family gathering and gran has said oh I'll invite ds for his birthday.
Therefore, it wasn't planned for his and he shouldn't feel guilty for not going.
Their family are more than welcome to make an effort to see him, but aren't actually putting themselves out at all (for his birthday!)

Nomorepies · 24/01/2019 14:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

edwinbear · 24/01/2019 14:09

I think I'd be fabricating a close friends birthday party he's just been invited to that he can't possibly miss, that just happens to be on the same day. These are not people whose feelings he needs to concern himself about hurting.

bellabasset · 24/01/2019 14:16

I would say that you are quite prepared to drive your DS there as long as his father brings him back as selected.

Explain that while she is a close relative she is a stranger to your son and to her son as in the last 345 days he has only spent 6 hours with either of you, or whatever it is. Tell her that while your view is that she and her son should be part of his life it is up to them to make that happen. His GM might then understand.

Imsosorryalan1 · 24/01/2019 14:31

He doesn't want to go so tell them he's not going and tell them why

badirene · 24/01/2019 14:35

I replied to say that DS would prefer to go there in the Sunday but she said that does not work for them.

So these people only want contact that is convenient for them with no consideration for you or your son. This invite seems like an instagram picture moment, just image management. If GP were serious about contact with your DS they would visit him for a day out in a place that he is comfortable in and that is familiar to him and they would have enough cop on and shame to realise just how absent they are in his life and turn themselves into knots trying to build a close relationship.

Tell them no, the offer does not suit your schedule and bye bye to them. If they are serious they will put in the hard graft to build a relationship not insist on everything on their terms.

A cynical person would wonder if they are trying to impress someone with this happy family act.

OutPinked · 24/01/2019 15:04

I can’t understand why you’re afraid to ‘rock the boat’ with your ex’s family at all. Your ex has seen his DS once over the course of a year, he’s barely been there for him before this and is a drunk. Why do you care what his family think?

Rock the boat all you want, you’re in the position to bloody burn it never mind rock it!

OutPinked · 24/01/2019 15:05

Oh and I say this because it’s not as if his family go out of their way to see DS either plus your DS doesn’t really want to go, so don’t force him to! He’s a teenager now, he should be able to call the shots a bit more.

Piffle11 · 24/01/2019 15:20

These people are practically strangers to your DS: do not let them dictate what happens with him. If he is uncomfortable, PLEASE do not let them force him to stay. Tell them he doesn't want to, and if they are decent people not only will they understand, but they might actually want to up the contact so that he gets to know them better. My MIL and her DH (not my DH's DF) live close by, but we hardly see them. See MIL about once a month for anything from 15 mins to an hour: DS2 hasn't seen her DH for over 7 months and DS1 hasn't seen him for nearly 2 years. DS2 never wants to go anywhere with MIL anymore, and she gets a bit miffed. Thing with a lot of DC (mine, anyway) is that it's 'out of sight, out of mind' - my DC need regular contact to feel happy and secure with people. I don't make DC to go to MIL's house, as they don't want to.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 24/01/2019 15:24

The fair weather gp. Wants dc delivered /collected to suit them and only them. Wouldn't trust a bring him back to you arrangement either.
Please allow your ds some say in who he spends time with. Making him go will lessen his trust of you. You owe mil naff all.

SarahSissions · 24/01/2019 15:35

I think calling this a gift is misleading. It is a requirement for a visit. A gift would have no expectation or demand that he does the activity with them.

If she phoned you up and asked him to come up for a visit and stay over night you would say no- and so framing this as a gift is misleading. I would make the travel burden on them- they are welcome to spend the day, but they need to travel to you and not overnight

areyoubeingserviced · 24/01/2019 15:47

Just say no

Jokie · 24/01/2019 18:07

What did you decide to do, OP?

Original poster
Tig33 · 24/01/2019 20:59

Wow thanks so much everyone I really appreciate all of your advice on this.

I spoke to DS about it today and he is adamant that he does not want to go at all full stop. I offered to drive him there and he still said no. He was pretty forthright about it and clearly feels very negative towards them all.

So in a way that makes it easier as I am not going to make him go, when he was a bit meh about the original invite to the activity I felt it was the right thing to do to encourage him and to facilitate the (non existent currently) relationship but now there is the sleepover it is different.

It has been really helpful to me to get other people's views as this is the aspect of single parenting I find hardest (deciding if I am over reacting or being unreasonable!)

This is not the first time this type of issue has come up. When Ex and I split up we had agreed to have DS alternate Christmases, of course that was on the understanding that ex would actually be involved and actually act as a parent to DS. Very quickly it became evident that he was not going to (he failed to turn up to pick DS up at nursery, moved to a town 150 miles away that type of thing) but his family still thought they should get an annual viewing of the grandchild. I agreed to this one year when DS was four and I can still remember now strapping him into his car seat in ex's BIL's car and kissing him goodbye on Christmas Eve. I was tearful and ex's words to me were 'pull yourself toghether it's only for a few days' soon after that i kept DS every Christmas and as I said contact has been sporadic to say the least.

I have not emailed her yet so thank you for all of the suggested text.

Sorry I can't scroll back and see the name of the poster who had the 11 year old and ex's family offering a holiday, thank you for sharing that sounds very similar! Right I have some message crafting to do.

DS said that he has me and that is all he needs and in a lot of ways he is right, better to just have me and know I am there for him than trying to placate ex's family with their random request!

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 24/01/2019 21:11

Good luck, they don't get to just demand his presence when it suits them, they have clearly had little/no input for the last 12 years.

Divgirl2 · 24/01/2019 21:19

I think you're making the right choice. If you ever need help with your wording Mumsnet users will help you!

oldowlgirl · 24/01/2019 21:27

That sounds like the right thing to do Op - stay strong & don't let them bully you in any way.

Drum2018 · 24/01/2019 21:35

Once you send your message I wouldn't be responding to any further messages they may send trying to make alternative arrangements for the day out. Now that your Ds has said he doesn't want to go, that's all that matters.

Starlight456 · 24/01/2019 21:48

I am glad you are supporting his wishes.

I would be quite short in email . More you write the more they will twist , argue about

sue51 · 24/01/2019 21:50

I think youv'e made the right decision. Your DS obviously sees his father and his family for who they are.

TrixieFranklin · 24/01/2019 21:59

Well done you for putting his wants needs and feelings above an easier life with them, they sound bonkers and it sounds like your son loves you very much!

Butterymuffin · 24/01/2019 22:18

You've done the right thing OP. Your son
comes first.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 24/01/2019 22:24

Op please believe your ds when he says you are enough. At 21 my ex looked up dd after years of not bothering. She told me I was more than enough of a dm for 2 parents. She never felt she missed out not having a df. There is no bond at all between them she says, his loss, def isn't hers.
You are obviously doing a smashing job op!! Congratulations.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/01/2019 23:58

"The activity is one that DS is not particularly interested in and the overnight arrangements are inappropriate given that you don't have a particularly close relationship with DS, nor does his father. Upon reflection, DS will not be accepting your invitation".

Short and to the point. Remember never JADE (Justify, Apologize, Defend, Explain).

My only 'concern' is if DS has a mobile. If so, I would speak to DS about blocking their numbers, at least for the time being.

MLMsuperfan · 25/01/2019 08:09

You could keep it even simpler and just write thank you for the invitation but he's told you he doesn't want to go. End of conversation.

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