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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS Christmas present from Ex's mum

194 replies

Tig33 · 23/01/2019 22:53

I really need some opinions on this as I do not want to be unreasonable, will try to explain the situation as clearly as possible.

I left DS's dad 12 years ago when DS was one due to his unreasonable behaviour (drinking, lying, basically not being a good dad or partner). I wanted to give DS a stable and loving home and I have done so. ex's behaviour since has demonstrated that I made the right choice for DS, ex has been very unreliable with contact and financial support and we have got to the point when the last time he saw DS was last February (so missing DS birthday and Christmas). DS has very little contact with that side of the family at all. February was ex's mum's husband's birthday dinner and that was the last time DS saw or heard from any of them. Usual contact is roughly once per year, prior to this year DS maybe saw his dad 2-3 times a year (often being let down at last minute)

Anyway, what I need advice on is this: Ex's mum's Christmas gift to DS is a 'tree top adventure' at a location near her home. Out of the blue she sent him a card with a note asking for details of his school holidays. DS was not super keen to go but is a very polite child so said he would go so I emailed her with the dates. She replied to say that she would come and pick DS up on the Saturday and they would meet up with the rest of the family (including DS dad) on the Sunday. Travel is invovled. This means DS staying over with her which DS doesn't feel happy to do.

She is really a stranger to him as he has seen her so infrequently.

I replied to say that DS would prefer to go there in the Sunday but she said that does not work for them.

I feel I am being put in a difficult position as I do not want DS to be upset and I do not want to rock the boat with Ex's family.

An option would be for me to offer to take DS there and pick him
Up but based on a previous event when I did just that they were very rude to me, plus I work full time and do not want to spend my precious Sunday driving 1.5 hours there hanging around all day then driving back.

Sorry this is so long hope someone reads it.. would I be unreasonable to say sorry that does not suit us DS can't make it (tempted to point out why and perhaps highlight that DS has not seen his dad for a year!)

Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tig33 · 23/01/2019 23:22

It all seems very badly planned to me.

She lives 1.5 hours north of us and EX lives 1.5 hours south.

The plan she emailed after I had given holiday dates was for her to pick DS up on the sat and then for other family (including ex) to being DS back on the Sunday. She says they can't pick him up on the Sunday but I guess potentially they could bring DS back (as that as the plan) if as a compromise I drive DS there. And avoid getting out of the car so she cannot be unpleasant...

The last thing I want to do is to upset DS as he is sensitive and I think is already crap for him given the situation with his dad. I agree that if she wanted to be a hands in grandparent she could have but has not made that choice.

I would assume that ex portrays a very different picture to reality to them though. I bet they do not realise the last time he saw DS was last Feb! (In fact he had not seen DS for months in advance of that dinner and the week before got in touch in what was clearly an arse covering exercise so that it would not come out that he had not seen DS in so long!)

OP posts:
garethsouthgatesmrs · 23/01/2019 23:22

but Pepsilola the OP doesn't want to drive him there as they were rude to her last time she did that

OlennasWimple · 23/01/2019 23:23

I'd just say that unfortunately it isn't going to work for him after all.

frazzledasarock · 23/01/2019 23:25

I’d say no to the lot.

Your ds doesn’t want to go anyway
Definitely does not want to sleepover
They have form for being horrible to you
They don’t actually engage with your son much anyway.

Nah it’s too much hassle without being fun or interesting for your son.

I’d tell her no that doesn’t work. Ds won’t be going. Have a nice time.

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 23/01/2019 23:25

I'd message them and say 'I'm really sorry but DS doesn't want to come to this since it involves staying over. Thanks for the offer though.'

cordeliavorkosigan · 23/01/2019 23:28

yep, I'd say he has a previous commitment on the saturday evening and that won't work for you. It's not his job to make them feel better (or yours!)

Original poster
Tig33 · 23/01/2019 23:29

I think I am really not keen on conflict so am probably going to compromise with something like what pepsilola suggested. I find this so hard as am torn. I want what is best for DS and I am very protective of him as it is just the two of us and I have worked so hard to bring him up. I do feel resentful of ex and his family as they make no effort with DS (I do not count inviting him to a birthday dinner once a year!) things like school holidays I pay child care to cover all the weeks I can't get leave and I do everything as ex does not do any parenting. I need to separate my feelings of resentment towards them with what is best for DS...

Bigger picture that is probably being able to do the adventure with them even if I have to grit my teeth.

Maybe will do this one last time but that is it. No more Ms Nice (but secretly resentful) guy!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tig33 · 23/01/2019 23:31

Now I've read some of the other posts I am going back the other way...

Thanks so much for all of your views I really appreciate it. Think I need to sleep on it!

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 23/01/2019 23:32

The last thing I want to do is to upset DS

He doesn’t want to go

Why are you even giving this headspace? It might as well be me asking to pick him up and keep him overnight for an adventure he’d rather not do!! (Please say no)

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 23/01/2019 23:34

I wouldn't take him.

He doesn't want to go, he's just being polite.

I'd just tell them that there's a prior engagement and he's already got plans for that weekend, that way it doesn't put the blame on him, and that he won't be able to go.

Godowneasy · 23/01/2019 23:34

If the tree top adventure thing isn't his thing really, I'd tell them exactly that- no further explanation needed!
You could then suggest an alternative date for him to visit them. In these circumstances where a child sees very little of a parent and their side of the family, I'm sceptical about how meaningful these big family get togethers are for the child- especially if they have to do an activity they don't much like! I think it can be quite overwealming and sometimes ends up with them just feeling very awkward and out of place, A smaller calmer visit is usually more suitable.

Dollymixture22 · 23/01/2019 23:37

This is is sad, the more I read this he more I wonder why she wants your little boy there at all. She has made no effort to be a grandparent and then out of the blue wants this very intense contact.

It’s way too much, and she is being really selfish. It’s all about what suits her, not at all about getting to know her grandson.

If it was me I would explain that son would love to get to know her and his dad better, but given the limited contact to date it needs to happen gradually. Suggest she and her son travel to yousome sunday and take him out for a pizza. The trip is unfortunately not going to work for your son.

If she kicks off then that her issue

mysteryfairy · 23/01/2019 23:38

I think if I could stand to and could afford it I would drive DS up on the Saturday. Book a premier inn family room and try and make it some sort of fun trip - touristy thing plus meal out. Then drop him on Sunday and go home yourself with them to return him later. That way he doesn’t have to stay over, your weekend maybe not too bad and not too much driving in one day and he hasn’t burnt his bridges with his grandma. She does seem to be trying and maybe wants to build a better relationship?

NowYouHaveDoneIt · 23/01/2019 23:42

I wouldnt go. She doesnt seem to really care about yr ds going by the last party where she didnt make sure he had eaten. Reassure him that he doesnt have to go and if he looks relieved then youll know u did the right thing. It all sounds a difficult and long day anyway. Dont put you or ds through it. You can choose yr friends but not yr family. Doesnt mean cos she is part of his family that he has to see her. Prob in his interests not to. Good luck. Just be happy with whatever you decide to do. You dont have to justify yr decision to anyone.Smile

Shelby2010 · 23/01/2019 23:43

They are rude to you and DS doesn’t want to go. Just forget about it. And forget about them.

Message back: As neither you or his dad have bothered to see DS since last Feb, he will not be staying overnight. If his dad or other family member collects & returns him, then I will agree to him coming on Sunday.

MsPavlichenko · 23/01/2019 23:43

Why facilitate a relationship that is so poor? Your DS doesn't seem bothered and no wonder. Don't accept a relationship for him that you wouldn't want for yourself. I don't mean stop contact, but don't help facilitate it. It is lovely that he is polite and well mannered. But that means a yes or no thanks. Or a brief duty visit that suits. It doesn't mean him, ad you being anxious and or unhappy. That's how people feel in abusive relationships.

Ellie56 · 23/01/2019 23:43

These are virtual strangers OP. Tell your son he doesn't have to spend the weekend with them to be polite; he can just say thanks but no thanks.

Your son is now 13. The boat has now sailed as far as weekend family jollies are concerned. They should have started doing these things on a regular basis years ago.

MsPavlichenko · 23/01/2019 23:46

Have you looked at or done the Freedom Programme? It might be helpful in helping you deal with both your Ex and his family.

1Wildheartsease · 23/01/2019 23:47

Who is the visit for?

If you son wanted to go - you should find a way to get him there.

If not - you should listen to him.

This is his relationship.

He isn't ready for the visit yet.

When he is older he might become more curious - and more confident of being away. Wait until then.

(You are already the big-bad-wolf at your inlaws house. This won't make a difference.)

MsPavlichenko · 23/01/2019 23:49

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

AcrossthePond55 · 23/01/2019 23:56

He doesn't want to go. At all. He's only said he'd go to 'be polite'. Here's the thing, these people don't deserve his 'politeness'. I'd be telling DS that in this instance he doesn't have to be polite and accept. He can be polite and decline.

Let's face it. If most of us were 'gifted' an experience we really didn't want, we'd find a way to politely decline it. Why wouldn't we extend that courtesy to someone just because they're a child?

It may be too late now since he's already accepted, but if he really, really doesn't want to go, I'd find a way for him to get out of it.

Cornishclio · 23/01/2019 23:57

If he doesn't want to go and they are not prepared to make any effort to maintain this relationship I would not consider taking him up or letting them have him overnight. No need to lie. Tell the truth. He does not want to stay overnight as he doesn't know them and it is not convenient for you to drive him up there and hang around waiting for him.

perfectstorm · 23/01/2019 23:59

OP, as someone whose mum bent over backwards to facilitate contact with someone who really, really wasn't a great human being... why do you feel it's your role to foster this?

You have always been happy to make him available for contact. His dad isn't interested, very clearly. His grandmother doesn't sound that interested, or she'd have made more effort.

I can't see any remote way what she is doing here is child-centred. It's not been done with the least interest in or understanding over your son's emotions. She wants what she wants, and she arranges it. And your son has been well-brought up, so goes along with it.

This isn't a gift for him. It's for herself. He doesn't have to feel grateful that she has planned his time as suits her, with no reference at all to his interests or needs.

If she wants a relationship with him, that's lovely. But she has to create it. Not assume it. Families are about more than biology, and his father's side has a long way to go in establishing one with your son.

With the best will in the world, who cares if they like you? They sound like arses. You aren't, or you wouldn't be worrying over the right thing to do. Here's the thing: the right thing is what is best for your son, not your neglectful, selfish ex and his self-absorbed mother. Their needs and wants aren't any of his concern or business, nor yours. So put that to one side, and support your son in standing up for what he needs to happen. He doesn't owe them anything, and please allow him the life lesson that actually, you don't have to suffer to allow other people what they want, when you don't owe them that duty. It's okay to put his own interests ahead of people who never prioritised his.

Cornishclio · 24/01/2019 00:00

Not liking conflict is not a good enough reason for being walked over which is what is what your ex in laws are doing. Similarly accepting an invite out of politeness is not ok if you really don't want to go. It is ok to say no to people who you don't really care about. There is no loving grandparent relationship so hurting their feelings is ok.

perfectstorm · 24/01/2019 00:01

Absolutely agree that you should look at the Freedom Programme.

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