DS Christmas present from Ex's mum

[Tig33]

I really need some opinions on this as I do not want to be unreasonable, will try to explain the situation as clearly as possible.

I left DS's dad 12 years ago when DS was one due to his unreasonable behaviour (drinking, lying, basically not being a good dad or partner). I wanted to give DS a stable and loving home and I have done so. ex's behaviour since has demonstrated that I made the right choice for DS, ex has been very unreliable with contact and financial support and we have got to the point when the last time he saw DS was last February (so missing DS birthday and Christmas). DS has very little contact with that side of the family at all. February was ex's mum's husband's birthday dinner and that was the last time DS saw or heard from any of them. Usual contact is roughly once per year, prior to this year DS maybe saw his dad 2-3 times a year (often being let down at last minute)

Anyway, what I need advice on is this: Ex's mum's Christmas gift to DS is a 'tree top adventure' at a location near her home. Out of the blue she sent him a card with a note asking for details of his school holidays. DS was not super keen to go but is a very polite child so said he would go so I emailed her with the dates. She replied to say that she would come and pick DS up on the Saturday and they would meet up with the rest of the family (including DS dad) on the Sunday. Travel is invovled. This means DS staying over with her which DS doesn't feel happy to do.

She is really a stranger to him as he has seen her so infrequently.

I replied to say that DS would prefer to go there in the Sunday but she said that does not work for them.

I feel I am being put in a difficult position as I do not want DS to be upset and I do not want to rock the boat with Ex's family.

An option would be for me to offer to take DS there and pick him
Up but based on a previous event when I did just that they were very rude to me, plus I work full time and do not want to spend my precious Sunday driving 1.5 hours there hanging around all day then driving back.

Sorry this is so long hope someone reads it.. would I be unreasonable to say sorry that does not suit us DS can't make it (tempted to point out why and perhaps highlight that DS has not seen his dad for a year!)

Thanks for reading!

I would tell them your ds can go but they will have to collect him from your house and then you will collect after the event as he won't be staying overnight. That way you won't waste your Sunday. I sympathize with you because my ex went from being a good Dad to an awful one who constantly text to cancel contact at short notice and sometimes the same day. My son is grown up now but he has never forgotten being cancelled when his Dad suddenly found something more important to do on his weekend. It is very sad when Dad's don't keep up regular contact with their own children and have only themselves to blame when their children do not feel comfortable spending much time with them.

Agree with cornishclio.

In fact I'd go so far as to say that you would be teaching your son a valuable life lesson: that saying no is okay. Standing up for yourself is okay.

You know all those CF threads on here, where people are taken hideous advantage of because they feel unable to say no, as it feels rude, and the other person instantly puts them in the wrong? This is a chance to teach your son not to be one of them, by setting an example.

Protect your son here. Show him you care more for his feelings, than their opinions. Trust me, I wish my mother had.

Just say no. Its not reasonable to ignore a child for most of its life then make demands that include sleepovers and contact with an absent parent.

If they want contact they have to do it in a reasonable and consistent way.

I wouldnt make him go if he's not keen. I'd also drop ex in it with ex MIL for not seeing his son regularly. So they kick off afterwards...so what? That won't affect your son and I'm sure you could care less!

Your DS is I am assuming 13..

I am not sure why you care what any of these people think..

DS do you want to go?

If yes find a way it can work no

Send no to this family

After 12 years of this he is old enough to decide if he wants to go or not..

The EX's family do not need plicating.. Your Ds needs to learn he is important as are his feelings.

Your son very clearly does NOT want to go! When she made the plans originally she didn’t say anything about spending a night with her as part of the package. All you have to do is say no, no sleepover as he doesn’t know you well enough and is uncomfortable with it. Tell her the truth about how little contact your son has had over the years. That is not you creating conflict. Their actions or lack there of has caused this problem. Who cares what she/they want!? Your son’s wants and needs are your only concern. I wouldn’t do
anything to facilitate a relationship with these people considering their behavior and the way this woman treated you in the past.

I hope the OP comes back but another No from me.

I reckon she's won this adventure in a raffle or something, and wants to use it to show off about what a wonderful grandparent she is. Unless your DS is really keen (and for some kids, it would be a brilliant day out but other kids would hate it) I'd just turn the whole lot down. Fuck what these people think.

That sounds very plausible SGB.

He could always come down with a stomach bug the day before🤷🏻‍♀️ Nobody’s fault just one of those things. What a shame it happened on that weekend.

Or you could say he doesn’t want to do it as he’s afraid of hights and you would never push him into doing something he didn’t want to do, and you appreciate their understanding on the matter.

I agree with perfectstorm. Teaching him that he can say no is a good thing. Not letting his GM take him overnight, when it suits her and she never normally bothers is ok. Not facilitating a relationship with a family who show very little care for your son is ok.

It’s not about them. If they cared so much about him, they’d visit and be a presence in his life. They’re not, so it’s not really her place to be making demands and telling you what suits her. It’s not giving your son a very positive message - when a woman who makes no effort normally says jump, he should say how high, just because he’s related to her.

If, in later life he wants a relationship with them, he can do so. But I don’t see that facilitating a relationship with someone who seems to care for so little from him can have any kind of positive effect. And it’s showing him to kowtow to people who don’t treat him well.

Tell them bollocks. If he doesn't want to do it , given the lack of regular contact I'd be inclined to email back and tell them that he won't be going if the day trip doesn't work.

Say no thank you. Don’t give a reason (other than “not our thing” if you really want to say something). If you say that date doesn’t work, they can find another. Just decline with no or little information.

And it doesn’t matter that you have emailed about it, just say we’ve changed our mind and don’t want to go, thank you though.

What are they going to do? Force him? There’s nothing they can do.

I wouldn’t be letting my son near someone who was horrible to me anyway.

I would say no. He’s a sensitive child and doesn’t want to offend them by turning the invite down. He feels obligated to go but clearly doesn’t want to.

I’m already dreading it for him. From the awkward drive up there, to the overnight stay where each minute will feel like an hour, sleeping in a weird room, being bombarded with unfiltered information regarding his Dad, to the potentially quite scary, activity.

It’s all too much, all at once.

During the tree top activity he may be in a situation where he is genuinely scared and will need to cope with that in front of a group of people he hardly knows. I wouldn’t be able to do the activity at all because I’m cripplingly scared of heights... this may be clouding my judgement somehow. I can’t fathom why anyone would do this sort of thing for fun!!!

The contact with them needs to start small and build up if your DS is ever going to have a positive relationship with them.

An 'experience' is sometimes more of an obligation than a present. At 13 it's up to your DS to decide what to do and up to you to help implement his decision if practical.

He sounds lovely and so do you. Take no notice of this latching on when it suits them. Be kind and the better person.

My 2 DSs have not had even a birthday card from their paternal grandmother but she still feels hard done by because her PFB lives 100 miles away with me. She's welcome to him btw!

I wouldn't push him into going but if he does want to could you not out him on a train and they can collect him from the train station, and then ex bring him back as original plan?

I think you made a mistake in letting your DS arrange anything directly with that side of the family. He’s old enough for you to talk to him along the lines of ‘Things are a bit awkward with your dad’s family, lots of grown up issues and things to negotiate before you can casually agree to visits with them. We need to be sure it’s really ok for you.’

He’s not old enough to navigate (successfully) the emotional minefields they seem so keen on.

If they initiate contact, you should intercept it with polite but evasive replies. ‘You need the school holiday dates? Why is that? Just trying to get a picture of your proposal?’. The dates seem like a reasonable thing to ask & answer, but you know they are anything but.

I’m LC with a grandparent to my DD, and I (very politely but firmly) am the gatekeeper to any arrangements. DD only comes to know if it is going ahead, and her opinion or feelings will be impacted. There have been periods when I’ve had to insist she only speak on speakerphone, to prevent DD being coerced into being polite and accepting completely madcap plans.

For this time, since my advice is too late, I’d drive him there and back (with VERY clear boundaries around times, etc). Make it clear to them that you see it as an experiment, a chance to either open or close further contact. If your DS has a phone, make a private pact with him that you will be oncall throughout the visit. If they prevent him calling you, you’ll have your precedent for future proposals (like, a firm no).

It’s not like you have to do the normal amount of faffing with in-laws the rest of the year, even the good ones require precious ‘me time’ be sacrificed.

Sod what they want. Your DS's wishes and needs trump anyone else's.
Don't knock yourself out trying to accommodate them.

"I do not want DS to be upset and I do not want to rock the boat with Ex's family"

Why do you care about your ex's family? They have not helped or stayed in touch or supported you as you have brought your ex's son, their grandson, up alone.

Be very clear "Ds is not keen to come, he has not seen his dad for almost a year. He doesn't really know you at all. You asked for dates and I gave them, I offered an option (you to collect and return on the Sunday) which you said doesn't work for you. Ds staying overnight doesn't work for him. Thank you for the offer but ds will not be attending." Or words to that affect, IMHO.

I do not want to rock the boat with Ex's family

Why not?

Who are more important here? DS & you, or your Ex’s Mum and your Ex?

Seriously, it’s a no brainer. DS only agreed to go out of politeness, but it’s misplaced. They’ve treat him, and you, like crap for 12 years. He’s not obliged to be polite and you’re not obliged to facilitate it.

Just tell the lot of them to fuck off.

You are not being unreasonable but honestly I would offer to do the travel. Its very likely they will turn you down! But even if they didn't - that's one box crossed off in terms of his yearly relative visit. Your son also might enjoy the experience. There is one thing I would add - at 12 he is old enough to go on some tree top adult circuits but he must have an adult with him. If they don't intend to put him on the adult circuit - he might find the child circuit a bit young for him at 12 and he might be disappointed.

But, whatever you do don't make him go somewhere he doesn't want to go. I think its really important we teach our children to follow their instincts and not become compliant to adult requests of this nature - i.e. staying with someone you don't feel comfortable with - out of politeness. There is one thing spending a few polite hours with a relative you don't know well - it is another thing travelling with them hours from home and sleeping in their house.

I do think that DS preferred option would be to stay at home!

This is all that matters. The ex and his family are irrelevant. Don't make DS go.

It sounds like you have raised a very nice little boy, but it's also important to teach him that it's okay to say 'no', and not twist himself into knots to please other people.

Just email exMIL back and say that DS is not available for the outing, and as he hasn't seen the family in over a year he's not comfortable staying overnight anyway. Then forget the event is even on.

Considering they don't usually make any effort, appear to have any substantial relationship with him i wouldn't worry a out telling them DS doesn't want to go and is anxious to be away over night. So if you aren't welcome to go too where they will be polite to you DS won't be going. What's to lose really if you say no? This does sound odd a random gift with an over night stay. I would just respect what son is happy with, he's the most important person in all of this.