DS Christmas present from Ex's mum

[Tig33]

I really need some opinions on this as I do not want to be unreasonable, will try to explain the situation as clearly as possible.

I left DS's dad 12 years ago when DS was one due to his unreasonable behaviour (drinking, lying, basically not being a good dad or partner). I wanted to give DS a stable and loving home and I have done so. ex's behaviour since has demonstrated that I made the right choice for DS, ex has been very unreliable with contact and financial support and we have got to the point when the last time he saw DS was last February (so missing DS birthday and Christmas). DS has very little contact with that side of the family at all. February was ex's mum's husband's birthday dinner and that was the last time DS saw or heard from any of them. Usual contact is roughly once per year, prior to this year DS maybe saw his dad 2-3 times a year (often being let down at last minute)

Anyway, what I need advice on is this: Ex's mum's Christmas gift to DS is a 'tree top adventure' at a location near her home. Out of the blue she sent him a card with a note asking for details of his school holidays. DS was not super keen to go but is a very polite child so said he would go so I emailed her with the dates. She replied to say that she would come and pick DS up on the Saturday and they would meet up with the rest of the family (including DS dad) on the Sunday. Travel is invovled. This means DS staying over with her which DS doesn't feel happy to do.

She is really a stranger to him as he has seen her so infrequently.

I replied to say that DS would prefer to go there in the Sunday but she said that does not work for them.

I feel I am being put in a difficult position as I do not want DS to be upset and I do not want to rock the boat with Ex's family.

An option would be for me to offer to take DS there and pick him
Up but based on a previous event when I did just that they were very rude to me, plus I work full time and do not want to spend my precious Sunday driving 1.5 hours there hanging around all day then driving back.

Sorry this is so long hope someone reads it.. would I be unreasonable to say sorry that does not suit us DS can't make it (tempted to point out why and perhaps highlight that DS has not seen his dad for a year!)

Thanks for reading!

Take him and bring him back yourself, if you do decide to follow through on this. They don't sound reliable enough to be trusted with bringing DS back at the time agreed.

I would tell his grandmother that he hasn’t seen his Dad for almost a year, the whole family are virtually strangers, and that meeting him for a few hours at most is the best thing now. Insane to expect him to stay overnight !
I do think you need to just be calm and clear, and put your son’s feelings first, i really wouldnt worry about the feelings of anyone who puts so little effort into getting to know their grandson.

Hi OP,
I haven't read through all of the responses but I just wanted to add, I used to be your DS. My mother remarried (to my fabulous step father) but I rarely saw my biological father. When I did it was stressful and exhausting. I was always dying to get home to my real life and get away from the manipulation and sense of guilt which was forced on me. It came to a head when I was getting married and he suddenly reappeared for a visit and I realized he expected to be a major part of the wedding (without contributing a penny as had been the norm my entire childhood) so I set him straight, he was not invited to the wedding. And we haven't had any contact since. I don't even think of him except for the odd time but I'm so happy to be away from him. He's not a bad person, he's just not someone I like and he is too difficult to be around.
So in summary, if your DS doesn't want to go overnight, then that is the final say on the matter. And if you think they will make him feel badly for not staying, while on the activity, then decline the proposed event altogether. I don't have any relationship with that side of the family and that's absolutely fine by me. I'm happy with what I have. Good luck x

You owe them nothing and by the sound of it neither does your son. They’ve all behaved shoddily towards you both. I would sit down with my son and ask him what he really wanted to do, tell him to forget being polite for a moment (although what a wonderful quality to have) and just answer truthfully. Then whatever answer he gave I would facilitate. If he says he’d like to go but just the Sunday then I’d take him on this occasion as he will always appreciate you for supporting him to have whatever relationship is available with his dad and ‘family’. If he says he would rather not go at all then I would absolutely take that burden from his shoulders and facilitate that too. They haven’t been in his life anywhere near enough to expect anything from him other than crumbs of his time at entirely his discretion. I think this might be a time where politeness is put on the back burner, they don’t sound like people who rate being polite and thoughtful too highly anyway so I wouldn’t worry about upsetting them. Good luck.

Dear Ex-MIL,
DS is very grateful for the gift, though he says he has accepted to go only because he does not wish to seem rude or ungrateful for declining such a wonderful present. He doesn't, however, wish to stay over with you all; he has not seen his dad in a year and he really doesn't feel he knows Amy of you very well which makes him uncomfortable. If you would like to come and visit him for a few hours and spend some time getting to know each other better then maybe he might be more inclined to come and stay in the future.
Do please let us know if this is a problem, as if it is then he would like to politely decline the invite to the tree top adventure.
Yours sincerely,
Your Ex-DIL

YANBU.

Dont go.Sometimes we should remind ourselves how we would feel if we were expected to do some of the things we want our kids to do.I wouldnt want to go spend a day with people I hardly know let alone stay over with them

ecuse

If you think they would go for the you driving option I would do it for the sake of your son: he gets to do a fun thing and will probably feel a bit anguished about letting his GPs down if he doesn't go at all.

I'd also not let him stay over, but I'd allow myself to be the bad guy to save his embarrassment. So it's not 'sorry he can't stay over because he doesn't want to' but 'sorry, I don't want him staying'.

THIS

"Sorry that doesn't suit us" and it's too far out the way to pick him up Sunday 😯. If they really wanted to see him they'd make he effort to make him feel comfortable. He's 12 yo with a mind and feelings of his own.

You may not want to use your "precious" day, but you may have to if you wish to protect your ds.

That's part of motherhood.

Catsinthecupboard hmmm 🤔 perhaps try reading the rest of the thread. If anyone is winning at motherhood, I would say it's the OP.

I absolutely agree with Nat1606

My eldest is 12 his dad has been absent 7 years (longest of many absences) whole family do not ask about him. I am open with my child if he wants contact he can but he says he does not. Sit your child down tell him sod what they want it is his choice he can go the saturday you can take him the sunday or they can all get list if they cannot be consistent and only bother when it is convenient to them. Let him decide he may not even want to go and if not tell them he does not know them because they make no effort. A court would say his old enough to decide so let him make his mind up.

I have given DS the option of me driving taking him there (I do not have a car but I can take the train or I can borrow hire a car so this is not an easy option for me but I am willing to do it just to clarify for the poster who was a bit snippy about my reference to my previous Sunday) however he was very clear that he did not want to go at all.

I was talking about this with a friend today and she said wonder how long they expect him to stay for, which made me go back to the email and right enough there is no mention of a return date so looks like he may be expected to stay for more than one night.

I have not emailed her back as am still mulling it over but my gut is that it is that I am going to have to say no to this. Redspottedhanky and callimom both gave their personal experience which really resonates with me, I do not want to make DS feel like that, thank you both for sharing this.

I have been trying to think how many times DS has actually seen Ex's mum in his 13 years, I think it maybe around 10, several of which when he was a baby (i.e. When ex and I were together and when DS cannot actually remember!) I would say that DS has seen his dad 10 times in the last five years.

Someone upthread mentioned DS having a mobile as a potential issue, I thought this too when I got him one when he started secondary school. However his dad has his number now and has never ever phoned or texted him. Possible because he no longer has the number (I currently have three numbers in my phone with 'ex ?' As he changes phone so often and is regularly out of credit etc. To me it is actually worse that ex has DS contact and even they does not get in touch.

DS seems very stoical about the whole thing but I do worry about the impact this will have on him, no matter how much I love and support him his dad is part of his identity. And I am just trying to find a way to navigate that fact and help DS accept the lack of contact but not be hurt by it.

Again thank you so much for all of your comments they have really reassured me that I am not being totally unreasonable!

Shes a show granny(brings him out for display). Do not be forced into something your not comfortable with. If he would like the experience look into ones nearer home ask if its his present why they cannot pick a day they are free to travel and do it near to you. Or just flat out refuse if your son prefers. I have told my exs mother to shove it a number of times. The final one being when she asked for a dna test on christmas day. I told her to tell me where and when so i can bring my son but to never contact me again unless it is with that information.

How do they become invested if you don't let him get to know them? I take it there is no visitation order

@pashal2. Have you read the thread . After 12 months of no contact you think he should be forced at his age to go somewhere he doesn’t want to go and this is op fault how ??🙄

You've definitely made the right choice in listening to your ds.

He's old enough to make these decisions and by supporting him it's showing you trust him and have his back. This will mean so much to him.

You're doing a great job, he sounds like a lovely lad.

He’s old enough now to decide what he wants to do.

12 months isn't a lifetime. These people are reaching out and it May not be OP family but it is her childs family. Not fair to let her bitterness, justified or not, stop him from knowing his paternal family. How much of his reticence comes from his mother's reactions and over heard comments. Forgiveness is a powerful thing. There are MANY things a child has to do that they don't want to. What is she afraid of. What is he? It's not going to kill him. Give them a chance. Let him have his own reasons for distancing himself. Not reasons co opted from his mother. There I hoped that cleared things up for you.

Pashal2

Are you the paternal grandmother? Otherwise can't see a reason for the load of cobblers you've just posted.

If there were to be any relationship it would start with the father and him bothering with his own son. Not a granny showboating him out like some prized crockery coming out for Christmas.

The ex hasn't made an effort even when nudged.

The son is 13 and should be allowed to make his own decisions based on how he feels. He should be trusted to make his own judgement calls and at times advised and guided. Not coerced into doing something he feels uncomfortable with.

One of the most important things we can do, as parents, is listen to our children. Sometimes it's utter guff and drivel but on matters of importance it's vital to get their input.

Pashal2, we're talking about a hell of a lot more than 12 months - this woman has chosen to see her grandchild around 10 times in 13 years, most of those being when he was a baby. It's not a question of OP letting them get to know her son, they simply haven't chosen to do so.

I would suggest you take him - it sounds like she is trying to build bridges and it is a fun thing to do, but staying overnight is a step too far

Re: guff and drivel comment - I've had hours listening to info on roblox and YouTube slime making today. It's super and I enjoy I for around 35 seconds a while, just not the kind of listening I was talking about .