DS Christmas present from Ex's mum

[Tig33]

I really need some opinions on this as I do not want to be unreasonable, will try to explain the situation as clearly as possible.

I left DS's dad 12 years ago when DS was one due to his unreasonable behaviour (drinking, lying, basically not being a good dad or partner). I wanted to give DS a stable and loving home and I have done so. ex's behaviour since has demonstrated that I made the right choice for DS, ex has been very unreliable with contact and financial support and we have got to the point when the last time he saw DS was last February (so missing DS birthday and Christmas). DS has very little contact with that side of the family at all. February was ex's mum's husband's birthday dinner and that was the last time DS saw or heard from any of them. Usual contact is roughly once per year, prior to this year DS maybe saw his dad 2-3 times a year (often being let down at last minute)

Anyway, what I need advice on is this: Ex's mum's Christmas gift to DS is a 'tree top adventure' at a location near her home. Out of the blue she sent him a card with a note asking for details of his school holidays. DS was not super keen to go but is a very polite child so said he would go so I emailed her with the dates. She replied to say that she would come and pick DS up on the Saturday and they would meet up with the rest of the family (including DS dad) on the Sunday. Travel is invovled. This means DS staying over with her which DS doesn't feel happy to do.

She is really a stranger to him as he has seen her so infrequently.

I replied to say that DS would prefer to go there in the Sunday but she said that does not work for them.

I feel I am being put in a difficult position as I do not want DS to be upset and I do not want to rock the boat with Ex's family.

An option would be for me to offer to take DS there and pick him
Up but based on a previous event when I did just that they were very rude to me, plus I work full time and do not want to spend my precious Sunday driving 1.5 hours there hanging around all day then driving back.

Sorry this is so long hope someone reads it.. would I be unreasonable to say sorry that does not suit us DS can't make it (tempted to point out why and perhaps highlight that DS has not seen his dad for a year!)

Thanks for reading!

"Dear ExMIL

As it has been a year since DS saw his father and of course you and the extended family, a sleepover would be inappropriate. I am happy for him to spend a few hours with you all and build up the contact gradually to include sleepovers as and when DS is happy to do that. But I must make it clear that this will only happen if there is regular contact from DS Father. He has let DS down so much in the past and frankly once a year contact is not acceptable, his son needs more than that. Ex is welcome to contact me personally to arrange to see DS, via this email address, or via solicitor if he prefers.

I hope you enjoy your weekend treat, but DS will not be attending this time.

Regards"

"PS. Fuck you fucking bitch"

I would not go along with all this hassle. Its obvious that you and your son are happy together in your lives, without all this pressure going on.
I hope that you can resolve all this,without you or your son being unhappy about everything.

how are u rocking th boat they turn up again after a year demanding he stay over because they booked something for a gift

he doesnt need people like that in his life and he doesnt even want to go

Pyongyang... Perfect.

I would add... Not this time... As it doesn't work for us.

It's perfect op. Awful to be put in this position

What @Sarahjconnor said. Perfect.

Yes, it's great that they have finally shown some interest, but they can't expect to snap their finders and have you and DS come running around whatever works best for them.

You all need to do what's best for your DS, and to be honest I'm not even sure if him visiting them during the day is, if he doesn't know any of them.

Stick to your instincts - and can still set boundaries while encouraging gradual contact in the future.

*fingers not finders! D'oh!

Please don't make your Ds go on this trip. You know he doesn't want to so his feelings are the only ones that count here. You do not have to make things easy for these people. If your ex wishes to build a relationship with Ds then let him make contact. I think it would be too much for your Ds to have to spend a day with all of them, trying to please everyone. Maybe if the grandparents bothered their arses to visit him near your own house from time to time it would be easier for him to feel comfortable spending a day with the extended family. But as it's stands I can only imagine the anxiety it would cause him being sent off for a day with acquaintances - as that's all they are now. I think baby steps are needed to build relationships again. So don't feel a bit bad telling ex's mother that your Ds is not going. You don't owe them a thing.

No no no. I used to be like this so I do sympathise- but you have to out your child ahead of your own feelings of awkwardness. Imagine how he'd feel there, walking in, knowing he's a part of the family but never treated like one of them. Any of us would hate that. He deserves better. If they want to make an effort with him- come to his town, build up contact slowly, get to know him- then that may be okay if that's what he wants. But not this. I bet he's dreading it.

'Dear exMIL,
Unfortunately this doesn't really work for us. I think that maybe it would be a good idea to build up contact with DS slowly and locally, if that's what he wants, as it has been almost a year since he saw his father or family. I'm happy to facilitate and support any contact that is beneficial to DS.'

They hate you anyway. You have nothing to lose by being firm, and a lot to lose by trying to please people who aren't kind to you or your son.

and I do not want to rock the boat with Ex's family
Why not?
What have they ever done for you or your DS?
He doesn't want to go.
So he doesn't have to go.

Hi MIL
DS does not really like this kind of activity.
As he doesn't know you very well, he does not want to sleepover.
On this occasion, he won't be attending.
I hope you have a good day.

Rock the boat? The relationships have sunk imo.
Let ds make the decision not to go.

Please don't go. Your DS doesn't want to do the tree top thing or attend a family get together.

It's too far out of the way and he isn't keen. You don't need to make excuses. This wasn't a reasonable gift. Its a selfish gift from the ex-mil.

Great reply from pyongyang - go with that.

Teach your DS he’s allowed to say no to people, and teach your MIL her family can’t just pop in and out of DS life, when they feel like it.

I agree with PPs, this is a social media photo opportunity for them (look what a loving family we all are!)

What’s the Bering the ex has a new girlfriend in the picture and wants to act the ‘loving father’ in front of her? This has nothing to do with what your son wants and is all about what they want.

What’s the betting.....

Just be brutally honest with them. They deserve it.

I think you need to sit down with your son and ask what he wants, remove the guesswork. Let him know it's completely up to him and there will be no repercussions either way and if he doesn't want to go not to worry at all. Then as mum, you deal with it.

As for dealing with ex's mum.. Tell the truth. That's its a lovely gesture and would be nice but ds doesn't feel comfortable as he doesn't know them due to the lack of communication from them. If they'd like to arrange a normal visit soon ds would love that and it's a shame they're not close.

I've had similar my DD had similar sporadic limited contact with ex and with his family. Even though they live in the same town! Ex had never had a good relationship with his Dad (I only met him a couple of times, DD never met him) but couple of years ago they rekindled this. At the time DD was 11 and hadn't seen ex for nearly 12 months. Out the blue get a message from ex's Dad saying he's booking a family holiday with ex in Spain and would love to take DD with them. Of course I said no. I ummed and aahed because I couldn't afford a holiday abroad for DD at the time and also from stopping her having to chance to be with members she had missed out on. But I DD didn't want to anyway and I would have said no regardless. I told them if they wanted to get to know DD they could do that but gradually and in our hometown not abroad. They weren't happy, I got called all sorts and accused of depriving them of relationship with their GD.

In reality ex (their son) had deprived them of a proper relationship with the GC by being such a shit parent himself. Plain and simple.

Funnily enough never heard anymore from them and only a peep out of ex since. They weren't interested in DD, just putting on a fake happy family holiday facade

It's not a lovely gesture. A lovely gesture would have been to send ds a similar gift which he could make use of at home, without having to travel several hours to stay with people who he hardly knows. This is about op's ex MIL meeting her own needs.

I really think you should prioritise your son over your ex inlaws. He foes not want to go and spend time with people who are virtual strangers. I would decline on his behalf and if pushed explain why. You don't see these people and they have form for being rude to you. If they want to build s relationship with your ds it should be a gradual process done with your help and guidance.

@coffeewonder

Its not no, they're shit. But op doesn't want to rock the boat and if I had to send that message I'd feel better adding a nicety in to keep good feeling and prevent a kick off. She doesn't want to damage the relationship in the future

I wouldn't make him do either - the activity or the sleepover.

It's not exactly a gift for him if he doesn't like it.

And now would be a good time to teach him that he never has to do something he is uncomfortable with if he doesn't want to.

People are allowed to say no.

I replied to say that DS would prefer to go there in the Sunday but she said that does not work for them.

There, she says this so you can too. Email and say that the suggested arrangement now doesn't work for you, so you and DS won't be able to make it. Thanks for the thought. Done.