To ask how to deal with non-vaccinating SIL and Bro

[Nomnomchanger]

Have named changed. Would appreciate advice on how to resolve this difficult family situation.

In short, brother and SIL have refused to vaccinate their son, who is now 18 months old.
No vaccinations at all (ie, not just MMR). They say they have ‘done a lot of research’ and are happy with their decision and want the rest of the family to respect that.

We have a DS, 3 months younger, and currently ttc #2. We are pro vaccination and think they are selfish and short- sighted, esp as we all live in Central London, and not an isolated island.

We had a huge argument with bro and SIL mid last year on account of their refusal to vaccinate and have not spoken since.
Our view is that it’s one thing them demanding that we respect their parenting choice, but when that decision has potential to impact on us (and others), that’s where we have an impasse.

SIL has never been particularly friendly but claimed that our decision not to want to be in their company was us ‘alienating their son’.

My parents are not particularly helpful. My mother (worried that she will also get blacklisted from seeing non vacc grandson if she criticises their decision) says that bro and SIL ‘have done a lot of research’ and that in any case we have no idea who is or isn’t vaccinated at all the classes we attend (ie, what difference does it make).

Christmas was very difficult, as you can imagine. Not sure how to resolve this going forward.

I was asking if you/your children actively avoided children who aren’t vaccinated IF they aren’t vaccinated because they can’t be rather than because their parents choose not to? Your children are mixing with unvaccinated children at school if there are children there who are exempt as you indicate.
The confusion comes from the fact that I don't live in my home country, I live in the UK, and my DC doesn't go to school yet.
I said that you can't take unvaccinated children to school, unless they can't be vaccinated for medical reasons

In your hypothetical scenario, my children are vaccinated. There is a tiny minority of unvaccinated children at the school that can't be vaccinated and need protection. My supposed children go to the school. Fine.
I honestly hAve no clue where you are going with your question.

Does my DC mix with unvaccinated DCs? He might, I have no clue.

Do I think vaccination should be compulsory to go to school? Yes, mainly to protect those unvaccinated for medical reasons or with debilitated immune systems.
Would I send my child to school if there was a child in the school who is not vaccinated for medical reasons? Yes

Would I be pissed if that child was at risk because some parents don't vaccinate? Yes

My DC is vaccinated. I care about children at risk

Does this answer your questions?

Meant to tag @zzzzz

I'm not sure why you expect to change their mind or to budge on their decision. My son has had his vaccinations apart from one, purely because there is a history in the family of reacting very badly to it and that to me is a more likely risk than contracting the disease. I don't think it's selfish to avoid forcing that risk on my child. The consequences can be serious either way.

Things do go wrong with vaccines although rare - it was in the news that someone died of a yellow fever vaccine recently. They aren't completely risk free either and maybe that is what puts your SIL off.

You are entitled to not see them if it is an issue to you though, but I think in the long term you have to weigh up the risk of getting ill with ruining a relationship with your brother and causing a divide in your family. Maybe just state a timeframe so everyone knows where they are?

FWIW the flu jab uptake for staff in my NHS trust is about 50%. I've heard a few people say that they have felt ill affects from it, so have passed on it the following year.

Don't get me wrong, I do think vaccines have their place, which is why my son had all but one.

boraboring

Yes this happened to DP's daughter. Had vaccination and still managed to get mumps.

Not RTFT, but I would say we will respect you on not vaccinating your child, as long as you respect us not having contact other than on the phone whilst we are TTC and until the baby is 1. Just as you don't want to risk your child with the vaccines I don't want to risk my future child without.

I certainly wouldnt visit them with a baby that hasnt yet had all vaccinations.

The bigger issue in my mind, is if the non vaccinated children were under the care of a childminder who also has care of babies who havent reached age to have all vaccinations.
From a confidential point of view a child minder cant give medical details to another family with out permission. Also it is possible childminder may loose income should the young babies parents remove their child after being informed of no vaccine status.

In early years settings there are a few non vaccinated children, and applications commonly ask for list of current vaccination. Sometimes odd comments like ' will give vaccinations when old enough for them' when the child was 3 years old is imo a odd choice to make.

I have seen in my family the impact of non vaccination, brain damage from whooping cough in a cousin, and a aunt who is partially deaf, poor eyesight and curved spine, all do to her mother catching rubella when pregnant.