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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New friend keeps asking for childcare favours

230 replies

Elmoespanol · 23/01/2019 12:12

I have a new friend, we met last year at school and have started chatting more this year at school drop off and pick ups and become friends. She is lovely but she is a single mother who is struggling financially with her DD.

She asked me last week, last minute, if i could collect DD along with my DDs and bring her to my house for an hour. This ended up being 3 hours and really disrupted our routine but I didn't mind as i was helping her out.

However, yesterday she asked me to collect her DD again. I said i had somewhere to be after school and was sorry but I couldn't. She messaged me again today to ask if I could collect DD tomorrow. I don't know what to say! I have two DDs of my own who need homework, dinner and baths, etc. I also work from home and so life is hectic.

I really like her as a friend but I feel mean that I can't be doing all these childcare favours for her. However, it seems almost a daily occurence. She used to use the after school club, so i don't know why she isn't doing that anymore?

How do i let her down gently or will i keep having to think of excuses all of the time. I feel like an awful person Sad

OP posts:
TigerTooth · 24/01/2019 18:19

I would just keep making excuses - going to get new shoes, see grandma, swim club - whatever until she got the message.

Yabbers · 24/01/2019 18:24

she hadn't asked and that she was asking me so she wouldn't have to pay.

She said this? That’s shocking. Refusing to do it is the right thing. Offering an excuse isn’t necessary. Let her know you won’t be doing it again. Letting her down gently might lead to more requests.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 24/01/2019 18:38

Maybe muddle a long with this friend for a bit, helping here and there. How about pre arranging, would she like to come over NEXT wednesday....(ie pre arranging a couple of dates per month) life is tough, we go further together, we all go through good times and bad times. She's a mum who is grateful for your help. You may need her.

Gth1234 · 24/01/2019 18:40

sounds like a new "user"

cherrybath · 24/01/2019 18:41

Just say no, don't feel guilty about it.

This started to happen to me - I have four children and she never collected hers from me when promised. It started to interfere with our after-school actvities because I couldn't get them all in the car so I just said no. Turned out she'd been trying it on with everyone and was always at least an hour late, so next time I simply said I couldn't do it

MyHomeworkAteMyDog · 24/01/2019 18:43

Maybe text her and ask if she knows that tax credits will pay up to 70% of after school club costs?

HauntedPencil · 24/01/2019 18:51

Just keep saying no until she stops asking.

Or I'd say I'm sorry I'm very busy with work at the moment and I can't have people over. Maybe your DD could come over when I'm quieter in a few weeks. Have you seen if there is space in after school club?

sollyfromsurrey · 24/01/2019 18:52

Asked her if after school club was full and she said she hadn't asked and that she was asking me so she wouldn't have to pay

everyone on here is agog at her openness that she straight-up see you as an alternative to regular childcare.

gambaspilpil · 24/01/2019 18:52

hmmm its a tricky one. I have no problem helping out friends with their DC however there is one single DM who goes round everyone in the school getting people to pick up or drop off her DC. She did the same as your friend and would invite you round for a play date too as if she was doing you a favour! She asked someone once if they could drop her DS off in the morning and they were happy to help but she dropped him off at 7am instead of 8 and he had no breakfast...she asked me once to pick up her DS after school as she was busy and ended up seeing pictures on FB with her and her family celebrating a big birthday for her parents and she had left her DC with me...she asked me to look after her DC all day on a Saturday because she had an important work commitment....I said no as I work full time and I was busy with my DC and to be honest my DS didnt like her DS anyway. From year 2 I said no every time and she was still asking in year 6! I dont think she ever to this day used the after school facilities an it had nothing to do with money she just had a group of DP who did all her childcare for her. I actually like her but I had my own family and was busy and couldn't accommodate the twice weekly requests. Although the best CF was a parent who cottoned on that i was going on maternity leave and tried to get me to pick her DD up with mine after school as I was off anyway! She even tried to get me to collect her when my DD was at a school club until 430 and thought it perfectly reasonable that I would get her DD at 330. Did it once then told her no after that....So you need to decide if she is a CF or she is a person that would really appreciate your help and your willing and 'able' to do it. Good Luck

MillenialMum89 · 24/01/2019 18:55

She should've thought more carefully about becoming a single mother. You need to look after your daughters.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 24/01/2019 18:59

She’s been very straightforward about why she wants your help - she doesn’t want to pay for childcare.
She’s been so candid and unembarrassed about it that I don’t see why you should feel apologetic. Just be similarly straightforward “I can’t help because I’m working”. No further explanation is needed.

perfectstorm · 24/01/2019 19:00

Op, you work from home, you have two kids, and one of them has additional needs to the point that you can't leave her with anyone else.

That's a pretty full plate, and any true friend, interested in your wellbeing, would know that. I have a child with additional needs and separation anxiety, and it's not easy.

This woman doesn't give a toss about that, or you, or your DD. Why is it fair on your non-additional needs child, who, let's be honest, already contends with a slightly lesser share of focus, to have you provide free childcare for some other kid? That's attention and time that could be going to her.

She's stopped using the after school club because you are free. She's told you as much.

She is not your friend. She's using you. And yes, it's hard when you have financial problems, but targeting a parent whose child has additional needs, and who works as well, to solve that for you is shitty behaviour, sorry but it just is.

I provided free care for a single parent friend one summer when she was really stuck, because she was a friend of some standing. That's different. This is someone who thinks it's acceptable to cancel paid care on the expectation that you will do it, and she's not asked you, discussed this, or made any explanation on why she is struggling, or even if she is. She's just bluntly told you she wants to use you instead because then she won't have to pay.

And you are embarrassed about seeing her? Why? You're not the one trying to get someone else to do something for free. And she's not the one with a child with additional needs, either.

Holidayshopping · 24/01/2019 19:01

She’s been very straightforward about why she wants your help - she doesn’t want to pay for childcare.

This. I actually can’t believe anyone would say this!

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 24/01/2019 19:02

She should've thought more carefully about becoming a single mother
Becoming a single mother may well have been the one thing she couldn't control.
Being a single parent is hard and struggling with money adds to that. However, that doesn't make it okay to try to offload your responsibilities onto someone who has their own struggles.

Klopptimist · 24/01/2019 19:04

She should've thought more carefully about becoming a single mother

Whilst I agree that she is a CF, this statement is awful. We don't know her circumstances, she could have escaped DV or left a cheat for all we know. The majority of women do not choose to become single mothers.

perfectstorm · 24/01/2019 19:04

@GetOffTheTableMabel has it in one.

Palaver1 · 24/01/2019 19:33

Mmum89
Wow

Bringbackthestripes · 24/01/2019 19:38

Asked her if after school club was full and she said she hadn't asked and that she was asking me so she wouldn't have to pay

She has been chatting to you more because everyone else is sick of providing free childcare!

JustTwoMoreSecs · 24/01/2019 19:39

I would give her the benefit of the doubt, she sounds genuinely nice but struggling.
Maybe say no more than once a week (if you are willing of course.
What is she doung when she needs your help? Different if she has her nails done or if she studies/goes to job center/medical appointment.

Holidayshopping · 24/01/2019 19:43

What is she doung when she needs your help?

OP?

Also-who picks her child/children up when she asks you but you say no? Can you answer some questions?

Port1ajazz · 24/01/2019 19:58

Elmoespanola please be strong ! I've been caught like this on more than one occasion and ended up trapped in a web ! On the last occasion I told the mum I couldn't do it on a regular basis and the next thing I knew was other mums giving me the evil eye !

Teaandtoastie · 24/01/2019 20:08

FFS! She asked for a favour and the OP said no, that’s all- I think some people on here are making assumptions and being pretty mean. It’s tough being a single working parent and nobody chooses it. She’s only asked twice and she has been upfront about her reasons- it may be that her regular childcare or the DC’s father had let her down and she is struggling to find alternatives.

Of course OP shouldn’t have to help and I’d totally within her rights to say no, but let’s not demonise the woman.

It is for fear of attitudes like this that I have sometimes paid a fortune in childcare on inset days etc only for a friend to say “oh you should have asked me, I would have had them”.

BunsOfAnarchy · 24/01/2019 20:24

She sounds pretty desperate. Cheeky, yes. Cheeky fucker, no.
Shes honest and shes clearly struggling. Its massively difficult being a single mum.
Just say you cant commit and dont want to let her down if you cant do it.
Ask if she wants help to find an after school childminder.
Atleast you're still being kind but not putting yourself in a position to be used.

dustarr73 · 24/01/2019 20:35

Of course shes a cf.She was 3 hours late picking her D.C. up.I bet half on her believing her sob story,wouldnt help her if it really came down to it.

perfectstorm · 24/01/2019 20:44

She asked for a favour and the OP said no, that’s all- I think some people on here are making assumptions and being pretty mean. It’s tough being a single working parent and nobody chooses it. She’s only asked twice and she has been upfront about her reasons- it may be that her regular childcare or the DC’s father had let her down and she is struggling to find alternatives.

That's not actually right. She asked for a favour, the OP agreed, and the asker was then hours late to collect. This was last week. She asked yesterday, was told no, and asked again today. That's three times in one week, and she's asking someone with a disabled child, who works. It's not the occasional favour in a pinch - she's outright said she is asking the OP because she doesn't want to have to pay.

I have single parent friends I've helped out, and I am getting lots of help with my little one right now because I'm in treatment for cancer and chemo and toddlers en masse don't mix. But they are friends of long standing, and I don't at all take it for granted.

Nobody is saying not to help friends out when stuck. They're saying not to become the default childcare option for someone you've just met, who openly says she wants the OP to do it because she's free. The fact the OP is actually looking after a disabled child, which is, in fact, often as demanding as being a single parent (unless you are a single parent with a disabled child, which my own poor mother was), is relevant here too.

It's good to help friends out. But it should be a two way street, and it shouldn't be taken for granted. This woman isn't offering anything, and she's expecting the OP to offer free childcare. Three times in one week. When she was incredibly late to collect the first time, knowing the OP has a routine, and a disabled child of her own.

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