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AIBU?

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Original poster

New friend keeps asking for childcare favours

230 replies

Elmoespanol · 23/01/2019 12:12

I have a new friend, we met last year at school and have started chatting more this year at school drop off and pick ups and become friends. She is lovely but she is a single mother who is struggling financially with her DD.

She asked me last week, last minute, if i could collect DD along with my DDs and bring her to my house for an hour. This ended up being 3 hours and really disrupted our routine but I didn't mind as i was helping her out.

However, yesterday she asked me to collect her DD again. I said i had somewhere to be after school and was sorry but I couldn't. She messaged me again today to ask if I could collect DD tomorrow. I don't know what to say! I have two DDs of my own who need homework, dinner and baths, etc. I also work from home and so life is hectic.

I really like her as a friend but I feel mean that I can't be doing all these childcare favours for her. However, it seems almost a daily occurence. She used to use the after school club, so i don't know why she isn't doing that anymore?

How do i let her down gently or will i keep having to think of excuses all of the time. I feel like an awful person Sad

OP posts:
aethelgifu · 23/01/2019 23:31

She didn't ask first, Tweety, and that's 'good of her'? Fucking hell. I have a child with SN. It's fucking hard. But it's not excuse to assume people will provide childcare. Plus, she knows the OP works from home. Works.

MirriVan · 23/01/2019 23:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tweety1981 · 24/01/2019 00:06

Lol no I’m not . But just goes to show how Mother Earth you lot are . FFS this DESPERATE person is doing all sorts of things to get CHILDCARE. A single mum . And all we want to do is talk about what a sly cunning manipulative person she is ?

I would NOT in a Million years do what she is doing . OP is as good as a STRANGER .

Any mother who does this is likely to be on the edge .

I’d just like to see people be a bit less judgmental of this lady and her intentions .

Bahhhhhumbug · 24/01/2019 02:49

She reminds me of the main character in Motherland. I know the Op can say no but the woman is putting her on the spot by keep asking. Don't feel bad saying no OP as my old dad used to say 'if they're cheeky enough to ask you can be cheeky enough to say no'

Ethel36 · 24/01/2019 07:03

Just keep saying no, not tomorrow I'm busy. She 'll soon stop asking.

NicoAndTheNiners · 24/01/2019 07:06

If she's a single mum maybe she genuinely can't afford the after school club. Which I agree is not the OPs problem but a bit less of branding her a CF would be nice. Maybe she will struggle to feed the kids if she has to pay for childcare.

Holidayshopping · 24/01/2019 07:09

What does the friend need childcare for?

YouTheCat · 24/01/2019 07:31

Doing favours is all well and good. It's nice to help if you can if you know someone is struggling. However, the 2 hours late the first time you looked after her child when it was supposed to be for an hour is a massive piss take. She will always be late. There will never be a decent reason why as she sounds like a right CF.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/01/2019 07:52

If the mum is on low income, she should get pupil premium for her dd, which could help with costs of after school club or she may get it free, if she is on a low income. Anyway her response to you was as cheeky as hell, it is a lot of responsibility and impacts your child with SN, disruption to their routine, and you cannot give your child the focus they need, as you have another child to look after. Her being very late to collect her child from you without any contact is unacceptable, I would bargain that if you did offer to help, it would happen again and again. You would be lumped as unpaid childcare.

Holidayshopping · 24/01/2019 07:54

Being strapped for cash doesn’t render you incapable of communication.

WidoWanky · 24/01/2019 08:31

Yes it can. I remember vividly the shame and embarrassment of not having any money.

It was an awful time i never want to repeat.

On the up side, it filtered out real friends from not. Always 2 sides to a story.

Mulberry72 · 24/01/2019 08:42

I have RTFT but don’t recall seeing her DC Dad being mentioned. Is her around, can he not help? (Sorry if this has been covered already, brain fog!) Blush

SugarPlumLairy · 24/01/2019 08:51

OP, I too had a “friend” like that. I also have a DD with additional needs, it meant the CF couldn’t reciprocate with child care because the ONE time she did, she basically made my DD attend a noisy class her child wanted to attend and I had to pay for it. This was a class my DD couldn’t cope with due to SENS. I was 10 minutes late and she said oh I e put DD in the class, you can pay teacher wh3n you collect. THAT was her level of returning the favour.
I too felt sorry for her, she had 2 kids a useless husband, short of cash etc but she took full advantage until I said no and then we never saw her again. So much for being friends. I hear she has fobbed off the kids on a new mum now🙄

Be brave OP and think of YOUR kids xxxx

RangeRider · 24/01/2019 09:34

I’d just like to see people be a bit less judgmental of this lady and her intentions .
In principle yes, but if you're desperate you don't take the piss the first time someone does you a favour and if you can't afford the after-school club you tell the person that rather than sounding like you just want a free source of childcare. That's why people are being judgemental. If she'd picked her child up on time or apologised profusely and explained why she was 2 hours late, and had asked OP in advance of dropping the A-S club & explained that she couldn't afford it anymore (but offered something back to OP in exchange e.g. free childcare for OP's child / playdates / something else when she could) then you'd be seeing different responses.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 24/01/2019 10:39

I got caught out like this when my kids were young...i was too young and shy to say no so got dumped on by CF's quite a lot....i do feel sorry for this lady but her childcare is not the Op's problem....

Gottalovesummer · 24/01/2019 12:43

Agree with posters above, it's not about being judgemental. It's about other people having some decency and consideration.

I picked up friends children on many occasions (I was SAM) I never minded when they asked (not presumed) and picked up on time. In fact I ended up becoming a childminder and now pick up children for my job!

howeverit's the assumption that some people make that their time is more precious than yours that makes some of us refuse to do the favours! They presume that you have nothing better to do/will go out of your way/will keep the children longer than agreed/ etc etc

Aeroflotgirl · 24/01/2019 17:20

The mother is not rude for asking op to help, the way she has behaved leads me to think that she is a CF and that there will be more of this to come. She told op that she does not want to pay for after school club, not that she cannot afford it, add to that, op did her a favour and she was 2 hours late, without contacting her to apologise. I am sure that being a single mother on low income, there are schemes or vouchers to help her pay for after school club. Does not sound like she has investigated that.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/01/2019 17:22

Op has enough on her plate with a child with SN, you don't know the severity of it, and it severely impacts on your life. I have a dd with ASD and learning difficulties, and our after school routine is very important, if that is disrupted it can really upset her, and throw her out of routine and add stress to me.

JenLaBe · 24/01/2019 17:48

Hello,
I am amazed to see how many peiples think that she is just using you. Someone like that would certainly not wait a whole year to ask.
I feel sorry for her too but obviously it still doesn’t mean that you owe her an excuse.
If she could get embarassed easily then really she won’t keep asking... she must be in trouble somehow and perceive you as safe.
You don’t have to give any excuse, just «sorry, I can’t tomorrow» and keep answering that until she understands. Meanwhile if you want to keep the friendship, i would try to organise something with her and DD to maybe understand what is going in with her?

jade19 · 24/01/2019 18:01

I would tell her that your not her baby sitter and you have 2 children of your own you need to see too.
It sounds to me like she I taking advantage of yoir kind nature xx

gamerchick · 24/01/2019 18:05

Someone like that would certainly not wait a whole year to ask

Grooming someone takes time.

I'm actually quite heartened at the amount of people who haven't been hooked in to someone's pity me dance so they can rinse you of your good nature. I hope it never happens to you.

Yulebealrite · 24/01/2019 18:08

Then you text right back

"Sorry, would love to be available to help you out but there is no way I can commit to after school. As you know I'm working from home and that is difficult enough as it is, without any additional children. It will have to be no. Hope you get sorted soon."

OVienna · 24/01/2019 18:09

New friend asking, so she doesn't have to pay.

I'd just leave it. You have no reason to feel guilty. She'll find another new friend.

EvaHarknessRose · 24/01/2019 18:12

Better to have good boundaries from the outset just keep saying no until there is appropriate reciprocation and no strings friendship

Beamur · 24/01/2019 18:13

Don't feel bad. You've already told her you work Mon-Friday. How you accommodate your own kids during that time is your own business. If she keeps asking, repeat that you are working and can't help.