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Original poster

Herpes disclosure..

171 replies

LillyLelloMello · 22/01/2019 14:18

If you were in a relationship with someone and hadn't yet been sexual but were intimate emotionally and romantically and they waited five to six months before casually dropping into the conversation that they had herpes and then dismissed it and your shock/anger by saying it's common and no big deal and also that if you loved them it shouldn't matter how would you feel about them??

OP posts:
AintNobodyHereButUsReindeer · 22/01/2019 14:22

I would be annoyed they didn't mention it sooner. However, it really is no big deal. Most people do have it whether they know or not (I think it's something crazy like 75% of people have it?) Overall it wouldn't bother me too much really.

Original poster
LillyLelloMello · 22/01/2019 14:23

75% of people have genital herpes??

OP posts:
FuckOffMeadowSoprano · 22/01/2019 14:24

"Human papillomavirus (HPV) is a very common STD, with an estimated 80 percent of sexually active people contracting it at some point in their lives"

NotUmbongoUnchained · 22/01/2019 14:25

Its manageable isn’t it? Only contagious during flare ups?

erja · 22/01/2019 14:26

I wouldn't say 3 out of 4 people have herpes. There's a lot of different types (over 100) of HPV virus - I'm assuming you mean genital warts?

Neverender · 22/01/2019 14:27

My friend had this (because of a former cheating partner) and was convinced she wouldn't ever find love because of it. She's now married and they have had a baby.

Neverender · 22/01/2019 14:27

I like to think I could deal with it - it's not that awful!

Namestheyareachangin · 22/01/2019 14:27

@erja HPV is not herpes. Herpes is HSV. And yes most people have it, just some are symptomatic and some not.

Original poster
LillyLelloMello · 22/01/2019 14:28

I googled the statistics and it said 25% of women and 20% of men have it not 80%.

OP posts:
Fightingfit2019 · 22/01/2019 14:28

When they said herpes did they mean genital or ‘cold sores’? If someone has genital herpes they are only contagious during a flare up, as far as I know.

Namestheyareachangin · 22/01/2019 14:30

It is and can be an STD, but it can also be given by grannies to their grandchildren by kissing. It has a bad rep because of the sexual association, but if you or anyone you love has ever had a 'cold sore' - congratulations, you/they have herpes!

It is important to know about to take reasonable precautions to avoid infection, as there are many strains and while you may be asymptomatic for some you won't necessarily be for another, and also infected people have to take care around pregnant women and babies. But it's not the black plague, and sufferers are not inherently 'dirty'.

ittakes2 · 22/01/2019 14:30

Honestly - you have not been sexual...when did you think was a good time to share with you? Having herpes is personal because people have strong opinions about it. I think if you had been sexual and then they tell you...thats a different thing. But its likely they wanted to see where the relationship was going before they shared this - and I would think fair enough. To me its sounds like you think its a deal breaker which is why you expected to be told before you invested in the relationship. Honestly, if you think you want to spend your life with this person that a couple of cold sores is not a deal breaker for me.

erja · 22/01/2019 14:30

@Namestheyareachangin yes, but the title is about herpes, and not HPV?

Original poster
LillyLelloMello · 22/01/2019 14:32

I think it's the way they disclosed it...hust dropping it in the middle of a conversation and then moving on and laughing about it and I'm like wait what...that's quite sometime you took to tell me and then pushing me to accept it before I even really knew what it involved...sort of the way being in love is used as a tool to push you into something before you can actually consider how you feel about it.

OP posts:
Lou0390 · 22/01/2019 14:32

It's very manageable and it's only flare ups you need to be more precautious. Many people have it (don't know exact figures) and don't even know as it can remain dormant.

Namestheyareachangin · 22/01/2019 14:32

Please read this - the stats are US and a couple of years old but it's important to realise that the prevalence is huge - the 20-25% figure you quote is those with symptoms.

www.washingtonpost.com/news/speaking-of-science/wp/2015/11/02/you-probably-have-herpes-but-thats-really-okay/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.0a8902ac7145

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 22/01/2019 14:33

70, 75, 80 % is an unsubstanciated figure.

In England during 2014, there were 31,772 cases of genital herpes, of which about 20,000 were female and 12,000 were males. These figures reflect the fact that herpes always attacks more women than men. In the entire UK, there are currently around 35,000 cases of herpes per year.

Currently it is being claimed that about 70% of the population have been infected by herpes virus or one of its close relatives, but their own natural defences have defeated it.

www.netdoctor.co.uk/conditions/sexual-health/a2204/genital-herpes/

Genital herpes is herpese simplex

www.nhs.uk/conditions/genital-herpes/

steff13 · 22/01/2019 14:34

There's a chance you could already have it yourself and just haven't had any symptoms.

Original poster
LillyLelloMello · 22/01/2019 14:34

Sorry I didn't understand he said genital herpes not cold sores but an STD. I am unreasonable to feel odd that he held back having an STD for that long?

OP posts:
Namestheyareachangin · 22/01/2019 14:35

@erja that's why I'm wondering why you're bringing HPV into it...?

EmmaC78 · 22/01/2019 14:37

I would feel glad that they had disclosed it to me and reflect on whether this was someone I wanted a long term relationship with. If it was then the herpes would not bother me. It is much better to know they have it and take sensible precautions when needed.

Namestheyareachangin · 22/01/2019 14:38

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking

Genital herpes is herpese simplex

BEEP! Wrong! But thanks for playing. Herpes simplex is both oral and genital herpes. Herpes simplex 1 usually prefers to live in and around mouths but can also thrive in genitals, and is transferred there more often now generally via oral sex. Herpes simplex 2 prefers to live in and around genitals, but can also thrive in the mouth and is transferred there more often now by... you guessed it ... oral sex.

Every day's a school day.

Melon6412 · 22/01/2019 14:39

Some of these responses are insame! Yes I would be very annoyed and would not pursue anything further.

You should have been given FULL disclosure a month when it became apparent that you would be seeing one another and if sexual contact was to come before then at that point you should have been told!

It doesn't matter that others don't think it's a big deal, it's about how YOU feel and you should be given that option to make an informed choice as to whether or not you are continuing to see that person as early on as possible.

Besides, if it's 'no big deal' then why wait so long before discussing it!?

Sexual health should always be a priority!!!!!

Confusedbeetle · 22/01/2019 14:40

There is a whole pile of misinformation going on here. These conditions are not the same. Please go on to a reputable NHS website where you will be able to understand what genital herpes is or is not. Mostly it is Not human pap virus and it is not cold sores sheesh. The herpes is only infectious when an active attack but you should educate yourself about it.

user1474894224 · 22/01/2019 14:40

Maybe s/he was scared if s/he told you sooner you would run away. I don't think 'it is nothing important'. But I do think the person is more important than a medical condition which doesn't have to impact you. Although I can understand why it has freaked you out a bit.

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