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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Herpes disclosure..

171 replies

LillyLelloMello · 22/01/2019 14:18

If you were in a relationship with someone and hadn't yet been sexual but were intimate emotionally and romantically and they waited five to six months before casually dropping into the conversation that they had herpes and then dismissed it and your shock/anger by saying it's common and no big deal and also that if you loved them it shouldn't matter how would you feel about them??

OP posts:
Original poster
LillyLelloMello · 22/01/2019 17:27

@chipsandgin we're sexually intimate but he has some erectile issues so we haven't had full penetrative sex and I don't think that someone having an illness or erectile dysfunction is a reason to discard them I'm specifically asking about the WAY in which this was done to clarify and hopefully clear up some of the comments here.

OP posts:
clairestandish · 22/01/2019 17:31

@chillpizza
Nearly everyone contracts some form of HPV virus through sex at some point in their life, a lot of the time it will clear up but for others it can develop to cervical cancer, hence why we have smear tests to check for the virus. So really none of us can ever eliminate the risk of an std and 90% of us will have this at some point. And as I’ve mentioned several times above genital herpes is not included in full std screening and testing isn’t offered on the nhs for people without symptoms (which is most people who carry it!) so none of us really have any way of being totally sure we are consenting to sex with someone who doesn’t have herpes.

chillpizza · 22/01/2019 17:37

claire

You miss the point though. If someone knows they have a catchy disease they should inform people before any physical contact so they can then make an informed decision.

If you don’t know you have it then you don’t know and would be shocked yourself to find out you had it.

Considering how far the law is moving on consent it wouldn’t surprise me if stds/stis are treated the same as isn’t it hiv where it’s illegal to not inform before.

clairestandish · 22/01/2019 17:42

@chillpizza
No I agree that someone who knowingly has it should disclose, I was just pointing out most of us will catch hpv in some form and most of us will be exposed to other infections.

Re laws and consent. I guess the tricky thing with herpes is that a lot of healthcare systems (like the nhs) choose not to test everyone, just the minority of people with symptoms. If they are going to take it seriously then everybody who goes for an std check should also be tested for herpes, rather than letting the vast majority of people with the virus unaware and living like they don’t have it.

TheVanguardSix · 22/01/2019 17:44

But one STI can be cleared up with antibiotics. Great. HSV can’t. It’s a virus. Anti-virals ease symptoms and severity, but they cannot kill the virus. So you really can’t approach STIs with a one size fits all approach.
HPV they can at least tissue test to see if the carrier has a high/low risk type (cervical cancer).
HSV (herpesvirus) hasn’t been proven to increase risk of cervical cancer. But it’s an infectious agent and all viruses compromise the immune system to a certain degree.

Original poster
LillyLelloMello · 22/01/2019 17:45

My feelings were that if he had have told me upfront early on I would have understood and educated myself and supported him but five/six months of groeing closer, sharing our pasts and our issues and things there were so many opportunities to tell me so to have it jist casually dropped into the conversation one day literally 'oh by the way I have herpes but it's no big deal and no-one I was with before had an issue with it' just threw me off and I felt like I was cajoled into just moving forward and not really being given a choice or allowed to consider how I felt. Of course I was in love with him at that point and didn't want to hurt him but other things are now bothering me and I felt I wanted some opinions on how others would feel in the same situation.

OP posts:
vuripadexo · 22/01/2019 17:48

what does sexually intimate mean? You can contract herpes skin to skin without penetration.

Honestly dump, he's a liar. He probably doesn't have ED. Was just saying that when he had a herpes flare up.

Seriously get rid. The pro sti crowd always canonizes anyone with stis because they hate the stigma and want to guilt trip people into relationships with them. Forget it.

TheVanguardSix · 22/01/2019 17:48

Well, OP. I would feel just the same as you do. It’s incredibly disappointing. And yes, I’d be questioning this relationship. You shared so much. If he has been so transparent with everything else, then he needed to be transparent with this early on as well.

Missingstreetlife · 22/01/2019 17:49

Move on op

vuripadexo · 22/01/2019 17:49

other things are now bothering me

what other things?

TheVanguardSix · 22/01/2019 17:51

And I’ll remind you again that I’m married to a carrier! So seriously, I’d have big issues with his lack of transparency and the dishonesty (I’m ready for the ‘But he WAS honest... 6 months later’ brigade to charge!). He was not honest. Red flag.

clairestandish · 22/01/2019 17:54

Genital herpes obviously isn’t taken seriously enough if it’s missed off std screening though.
Seems unfair that MOST people who catch it are just free to carry on completely unaware they have it, whilst a small portion of people with the exact same condition have to live with the diagnosis.
I know in America it varies place to place whether it’s included in fullstd screening, apparently a lot of drs believe KNOWING you have the virus is more damaging than the actual virus itself. However I think if you routinely tested everyone then the stigma would be so much less because you’d have a quarter of the population aware they have it so I think perceptions would change a lot.

PixieCutRegret · 22/01/2019 17:56

vuripadexo

I don't think it's as much a case of feeling entitled to sex, it just seems a bit daft that people say they care so much about thier health that they would completely reject a potential partner who has had a genital herpes outbreak but probably haven't given a moment's thought to facial coldsores. I'm married and so glad I don't have to worry about disclosing it to people.

TheVanguardSix

At what point in thier relationship should he have told her? First date? He is entitled to keep his own medical information private until the relationship is serious. If he had sex with her without telling her that would of course be different.

Allthough from the other things OP has said about him the herpes are a bit of a red herring as he doesn't sound like a keeper anyway.

chillpizza
So when you give a relative a peck, do you ask them beforehand if they have ever had a coldsore. Have you had the discussion with all previous partners. Prior to shaking hands with anybody do you ask them beforehand if they have ever had herpatic whitlow on thier finger?

Original poster
LillyLelloMello · 22/01/2019 18:01

@vuripadexo he has been staying at my place for a week now and has within this week already had issues with my son(6) seeing part of my thigh/lower butt cheek while I was dressing one morning. The way I parent my son(widowed so am raising him alone) I felt it was way too soon for him to start offering opinions and advice on parenting considering he has two children that he never raised and has no experience as a parent. The thing that has really crushed my trust was that at Christmas time because of a real freak event I was left struggling with income/work although was fine as I always am with that but he not only offered but absolutely insisted that he put a few thousand pounds into my bank and told me to use it for whatever I needed and not to stress out about it(he has around £200,000 in savings I have very little) I didn't want this as I am wary of people offering finanacial help and then casting it back..anyway a chance arose for me to relocate my business premises and I did and used the money he had insisted I take I told him that I used it, then this week as he is staying for a visit with us he isn't working and had said to me that he was a bit tired of the mess of my apartment and was used to his place being more organised. I was kind of angry as he's been doing the whole 'if we were a family I would take some of the pressure off you and help you' I come home from work and he's sitting on the chair reading..place still needing a bit of a tidy up. We have an argument and he blurts out 'wheres the money I gave you? What happened to the money?!'
So I just feel a bit disillusioned and dissappointed with it all.

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 22/01/2019 18:01

Pixie don’t be condescending. Early on. Not 6 months in. That’s my answer to your question.
I wouldn’t be with my DH and our 3 kids now if DH didn’t tell me for half a year about his herpes! I wouldn’t.

vuripadexo · 22/01/2019 18:04

PixieCutRegret
I don't think it's as much a case of feeling entitled to sex, it just seems a bit daft that people say they care so much about thier health that they would completely reject a potential partner who has had a genital herpes outbreak but probably haven't given a moment's thought to facial coldsores. I'm married and so glad I don't have to worry about disclosing it to people.

It's an entitlement to sex. People reject partners because they are too short or because they smell funny. Male entitled MRAs get hysterical over the short thing because how dare any woman reject them for arbitrary stuff. There's no difference here. In fact this is stupider because you are born short but you contract STDs.

There's already a penalty in excluding someone from the dating pool - it's called not getting to date that person. And People have the right to be "daft" in dating and you have no idea how people feel about coldsores so stop projecting.

If you're all so great, why are you so desperate to force people to date you?

Fuedsandfury25 · 22/01/2019 18:07

Is his name George ? 😳🙈
Anyway so I got herpes at 17 😂🙈it is not the first thing I tell someone but I do tell them before we become sexually active however it’s only contagious when in a flare up and they get less each time I haven’t had a flare in years now !

vuripadexo · 22/01/2019 18:08

LillyLelloMello

Why is a man you've known six months staying in your house around your six year old son? Jesus lady.

This man is an arse. He's a liar, a pig and probably a child abuser considering he's inappropriately sexualizing your relationship with your son and can't get it up for you - an adult female.

get him out of your house NOW.

The herpes is the least of your worries.

TheVanguardSix · 22/01/2019 18:08

Based on your latest post, OP, the herpes disclosure is not the problem. Don’t be reeled in by his savings and security. That’s not what will be on offer, even if he’s playing house with you now. Control can so easily come across as ‘protection/caring’. Be careful. So is he going to play the money card every time he wants to guilt trip you?

chillpizza · 22/01/2019 18:10

@PixieCutRegret I don’t kiss anyone but my dh and my children only on the cheek.

I also don’t shake hands. In fact I don’t touch anyone really. My mother gets one of those side hugs maybe twice a year.

All partners where throughly screened before any sexual contact, standard tests and blood tests as well as then practising safe sex.

I’m extremely careful with my sexual heath I’m shocked at most stats around all sexually passed on disease and that people are so meh about it frankly it’s disgusting.

Original poster
LillyLelloMello · 22/01/2019 18:11

It's been around 8/9 months weve been together why is it wrong to see how a week together goes and introduce him to my son? How long do others wait before introduction to children or weekends staying over?

OP posts:
Original poster
LillyLelloMello · 22/01/2019 18:12

...and I think this week was valuable because now I see a lot more than what he had been showing me before.

OP posts:
BlackpoolMama29 · 22/01/2019 18:13

He may have been acting casual and joking but he might have been really really nervous telling you and had to built up to it. As a sexual health nurse we advice people to let partners know before any sexual activity (although a lot don’t so count yourself lucky there!) but people do often wait until they’re comfortable and feel they won’t be judged or immediately dumped because of it. Use a condom! It’s no big deal and certainly not a dealbreaker IMO xx

PixieCutRegret · 22/01/2019 18:20

Yes I suppose I see what you mean actually vuripadexo people can reject sexual partners for whatever reason. Like I said I am out of the whole dating thing but if I was rejected for having HSV1, especially if it was someone who had HSV facially, I would be quite upset as would most people I imagine. I wouldnt force them to stay with me, of course not.

TheVanguardSix I'm not being condescending, 6 months is a long time, but if it's not serious enough for them to be sexually active yet then why should he tell her?

Anywah from OP's last post it sounds like herpes is the least of her problems. Get yourself and your son far away from him Flowers

PixieCutRegret · 22/01/2019 18:22

Argh as most people would sorry, typing on my phone