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Original poster

Herpes disclosure..

171 replies

LillyLelloMello · 22/01/2019 14:18

If you were in a relationship with someone and hadn't yet been sexual but were intimate emotionally and romantically and they waited five to six months before casually dropping into the conversation that they had herpes and then dismissed it and your shock/anger by saying it's common and no big deal and also that if you loved them it shouldn't matter how would you feel about them??

OP posts:
chillpizza · 22/01/2019 16:21

Sorry that was blunt. No I wouldn’t. Yet again it’s a contagious disease that is for life why would I risk it.

MargoLovebutter · 22/01/2019 16:24

Wow chillpizza! How about family history of alzheimers, rheumatism, diabetes, asthma?

BitOutOfPractice · 22/01/2019 16:24

Wouldn't happen. Need full STD tests done

Which wouldn't show up herpes unless on an active outbreak...

So so much misinformation and hysteria about herpes on mn

whatamidoingwithmylife · 22/01/2019 16:26

I agree with @WoodyOak - he was embarrassed so passed it off as quickly as he could but was waiting for a point where you were so invested that you'd be much less likely to give him the boot. That's not a nice thing to do but he's obviously worried about losing you.

I found out I had genital warts a few months into my relationship with my new partner. He was amazing about it and it didn't worry him even slightly. If this had been the other way around I'd have hit the roof and likely dumped him immediately. I used to freak out even if a partner had cold sores as it's so gross - but now I'm the gross one with warts that could re-occur at any time (caught from my ex of 15yrs who told me he was cured before he met me).

chillpizza · 22/01/2019 16:28

As far as I’m aware Margo I cannot personally catch any of those illnesses from having sexual contact or kissing so not a problem for me.

PixieCutRegret · 22/01/2019 16:34

OP, have you ever had coldsores on your face? If so, have you disclosed this to people before engaging in oral sex with them? If not, why not? You are also a carrier of the herpes simplex virus.

If you dont get coldsores, have you asked previous sexual partners wether they have ever had coldsores on thier face?

I have had HSV1 genitally, it's awful to think that I am 'tainted' when the majority of people have engaged in oral sex with people who carry the same virus without even thinking about it.

MargoLovebutter · 22/01/2019 16:34

That's true chillpizza, but your children could get all of those potentially life-limiting conditions if your partner / husband had them or they ran in his family. Generally sex is required to have children, so I wondered if all of your checking extended that far, or if it was just genital cold sores that worried you?

BarbarianMum · 22/01/2019 16:38

I think its the sort of thing you disclose before first sexual contact. But until you get to that stage it's not your business.

chillpizza · 22/01/2019 16:40

Family history of genetic illness wouldn’t put me off unless both our family had the same then there is ways around that for children anyway. Although I’m done having babies so if I ever split from dh that would be of no concern at all to me. However I myself do not want to knowingly put myself at risk of catching a lifelong disease be that herpes or anything else.

My body my choice. I simply don’t consent to any sexual contact with a person with an std/sti.

Witchofzog · 22/01/2019 16:43

@purplecatshopaholic What a sensitive little flower you are. Even the word veruca makes you feel upset. Upset? really? And people with the virus make you feel sick? I despair.

Op as others have said. It's not the fact that he has this but the flippant way he dealt with telling you . That's the red flag as how often will he minimise your feelings again in the future? This should have been a serious conversation for both of you.

Shallishanti123 · 22/01/2019 16:45

My husband gets coldsores - not often, but when he feels one coming along he just refrains from kissing me or the kids. I just tell him to keep his herpes to himself Grin not caught it yet and it’s been ten years now.

Meralia · 22/01/2019 16:45

I don’t have herpes. I’ve never had a cold sore, neither has my husband or kids. My sister used to suffer terribly with cold sores. I’d be pissed off too OP. Can you move forward with this?

Dungeondragon15 · 22/01/2019 16:48

I just don't get why some people think that STDs should be diclosed to someone if you are not in a sexual relationship with them. You really have no right to know.

MargoLovebutter · 22/01/2019 16:49

Goodness! There are a number of viruses that lie dormant and can pop up again. If you've had chicken pox, I'm sure you'll be aware that you can potentially get shingles at any time. I believe glandular fever is another one.

Anyway, I'm at risk of derailing the thread.

PixieCutRegret · 22/01/2019 16:51

Have you or your husband ever had the blood test for it Meralia? You could be a carrier even if you have never had symptoms.

Purplecatshopaholic · 22/01/2019 16:53

Oh FFS, Witchofzog and others, I did NOT mean people with these conditions made me sick, I meant the thought of getting them myself was the worry. I have MH issues, and for some reason these things scare me. I didnt say it made sense!

vuripadexo · 22/01/2019 16:55

Namestheyareachangin

blah blah blah. Only 25% of people have genital herpes. You wished it on her.

Anyway re genetic disorders I have sickle cell trait. I would never date someone else with sickle cell trait because of the risk. If someone didn't want to date me because of sickle cell trait I wouldn't care. Dating is not a dictatorship. People can do whatever they want. It's never bothered me in the slightest and I've happily brought it up.

Everyone who has herpes though seems to be a whiny baby who feels irrationally entitled to sex with other people. You guys keep pretending that you think people have choices but it's interspersed with trying to put pressure on and name call people.

I don't want to date people who feel sexually entitled to others so if contracting herpes makes you feel so ashamed that it lessens your belief in informed consent, I'll happy pass. No herpes AND no sexual entitlement. Win, win.

OutPinked · 22/01/2019 16:57

Many people have it as PP’s have said. Cold sores= herpes so do we see people with a cold sore and think of them as a leper? Or do people with cold sores need to declare they get them before kissing you?

It can be spread when no blister is present fwiw so you can get oral or genital herpes from someone who has no fucking idea they have it hence why most people in the world have it.

chillpizza · 22/01/2019 16:59

You certainly should tell someone you get cold sores before kissing them!! I don’t want your disease.

Vuri I wish there was a like button. A totally normal person speaking sense.

MargoLovebutter · 22/01/2019 17:01

vuripadexo how on earth can you extrapolate that all people with herpes (20%+ of the population) feels irrationally entitled to sex with other people? WTAF? How the hell do you know what they are all thinking? What extraordinary prejudice against an entire group of the population!

AllTheUserNamesAreTaken · 22/01/2019 17:07

I’ve got herpes. No idea when I contracted it -never had a bad initial outbreak. I first noticed it when i’d been with my DH for years - just thought my knickers had rubbed or something as it was a slight sore. Over the course of a few months it kept coming back - i’d had a miscarriage and was very run down physically and mentally. It was then tested and confirmed.

I’ve not had an outbreak since then. To our knowledge DH has never caught it - he certainly hasn’t had any outbreaks.

Original poster
LillyLelloMello · 22/01/2019 17:11

Hi ..no I've never had coldsores..and to the question about everyone thinking I'm wrong to discard him I didn't discard him..I continued the relationship it's just that now a few other things have cropped up in his behaviour and my mind keeps wondering about the initial herpes disclosure. I feel it would have been ok to not want to be at risk of catching a contagious STD but obviously my feelings had deepened a lot over a signifigant period of time and I feel a bit manipulated by that..I wanted some other opinions on how people would feel if this happened even though it actually happened months ago and I did choose to continue the relationship although we haven't yet had full sexual intercourse.

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 22/01/2019 17:12

names

Depression is not a virus. You are comparing apples and oranges.

Maybe some people need to think twice about putting themselves at risk of contracting a long-term/lifelong virus, like HSV. Viruses compromise our immune system. There is a direct correlation between viruses and cancer.
There are risks and everyone has a right to weigh up the options; you, me, the OP.

My DH carries HSV.

TheVanguardSix · 22/01/2019 17:17

See OP. He DID manipulate you. He reeled you in for months before disclosing something that can directly impact your physical health. He is the carrier of a contagious virus which is not totally harmless, though manageable. He should have disclosed this simply because what he has can infect you, unlike depression or cancer. It doesn’t mean that he will infect you. But it is a possibility. Your body has a right to be protected from this. You deserve transparency. You are not at all unreasonable.

chipsandgin · 22/01/2019 17:23

So you’ve been with him in a relationship for 8/9 months and no sex!? Surely you’re just friends then?