Herpes disclosure..

[LillyLelloMello]

If you were in a relationship with someone and hadn't yet been sexual but were intimate emotionally and romantically and they waited five to six months before casually dropping into the conversation that they had herpes and then dismissed it and your shock/anger by saying it's common and no big deal and also that if you loved them it shouldn't matter how would you feel about them??

And 100% I'd be asking him to do a full STD check and I'd be taking one too. Then you can share the results with each other so it's a clear honest slate going forward. If he refuses, I'd end it. He's not been honest thus far, so I'd be wanting to make sure there aren't any more hidden surprises.

You can get genital herpes:
from skin-to-skin contact with the infected area – including vaginal, anal and oral sex
when there are no visible sores or blisters

Hang on, doesn't that mean they're contagious even when there's no flare-up?

Genital herpes can be sexually transmitted. It often isn't. If he knows he has it, when it flares up he'll see it around his genitals so you can avoid sex then. Always keep yourself very clean. Some people get a flare up only once in their life though.

It's only a problem if a woman has it, doesn't know (probably because it is inside), and is pregnant. It can infect a baby. However pregnant women are now tested for herpes. I know someone who was diagnosed while pregnant and she had a Caesarian.

These are extreme cases. Most people are absolutely fine.

However pregnant women are now tested for herpes

Oh good, I don't have it then. Surely 70% of the population can't have it then, because 70% of the population aren't given C-sections?

Pregnant women aren’t tested for herpes on the NHS, only if they started experiencing symptoms (like any other patient pregnant or not)

I suspect it took quite a lot to tell you - not an easy thing to tell someone
maybe your reaction upset him as well and he covered it up by laughing?
Perhaps you are not right for each other?

@ReaganSomerset besides the fact pregnant women don’t routinely get tested, they would only offer c sections to women who have very recently caught it for the first time or who were having an active outbreak at birth. For all other women the chance of passing it on is so very very tiny that it doesn’t justify a c section

How many people posting on this thread actually know their HSV status please?

@Namestheyareachangin

You are hard work - here have a C&P from the NHS website, which I quoted from IF you ever bothered to read past the end of your nose. Then you can email them and tell them they are wrong.

Genital herpes is herpes simplex

www.nhs.uk/conditions/genital-herpes/

I don't know, people can judge so you may want to be in a place where a relationship is more secure before letting on. Have you a moral or religious objection or just that you feel misled?
Herpes is not the end of the world but it's not nothing, a first attack can be quite nasty, and if it recurs because you are at at a low ebb you have to manage your energy. A subsequent attack can feel like having a cold and drag you down. Not every one sees their herpes, it can be internal so you need to be aware or use condoms. It can be in strange places, a friend has a site on her back so just slaps a plaster on it. Read up about it before you proceed. It's good you have been told before you take the relationship further.

herpes.org.uk/dr-george-kinghorns-talk-herpes-simplex/

Interesting stuff.

If you aren't in a sexual relationship yet then I don't really see why they were obligated to tell you. I don't think his reaction means that he is casual about it either. I think it is more likely to do with the fact that from the sounds of it you made a big deal about it and are just using the fact that it took a long time to tell you as an excuse.

Namestheyareachangin
You seem to be taking this very personally. At the end of the day people have the right to discriminate with their own bodies. Anyone who excludes someone with herpes misses out on a potential relationship. It's their risk to take.

Personally I don't really care about herpes BUT I would expect someone to disclose extremely quick (1 month in max) as a way to SIGNAL that THEY take it seriously. If I am depending on them taking medication for the rest of their lives to stop me being infected, I need to know that that person takes it more seriously than I do. I would dump someone for being casual about herpes.

Also

Would you say this about all health conditions?
"Hi, how are you, my name's Julie, it might interest you to know I suffer from endogenous depression that I have managed for a decade via CBT, I also have rhesus-negative blood type which may have some increased risk if I ever carry your child, and a genetic disposition towards high cholesterol. Still fancy that blind date? Um, hello?"

I would end a relationship if I found out that someone had hidden depression from me, well managed or not. Conditions that seriously affect infertility should be disclosed imo. Not sure what the cholesterol has to do with it.

Should people disclose their sexual preferences, their fantasies, the number of children they want, introduce their families, within the first month just in case any of these things turn out to be 'deal breaker'?

Er, YES! I'm really confused. Firstly a lot of these things should come up organically if you are having real conversations. And secondly 100% yes. Re sexual preferences: If I met a guy who needed to pee on me during sex I'd expect it to come up pretty early. And If you go on a dating site and you meet a man and he doesn't want kids and you do, the smart thing to do is to move on to someone who does. 100%.

@ReaganSomerset

Hang on, doesn't that mean they're contagious even when there's no flare-up?

Asymptomatic viral shedding does happen but the risk is very low, and is lower the longer a person has the virus. More info here: herpes.org.uk/frequently-asked-questions/passing-transmitting-herpes/#14 The risk is actually greater from someone who has the virus but is completely asymptomatic as then you don't even know to be careful. Risk of symptomatic shedding can also be further reduced by taking antiviral medication, if for e.g. you wish to have unprotected sex to conceive.

Oh good, I don't have it then. smile Surely 70% of the population can't have it then, because 70% of the population aren't given C-sections?

Not sure this is true actually, I wasn't (daughter nearly two).

However, having HSV doesn't mean you have to have a c-section - I alerted my midwife on my first appt and asked what the implications for birth were, and she advised risk of transmission were very low unless active outbreak at birth, so to keep an eye and be prepared for a change to c-section if this happened and there wasn't time to treat with antivirals. Also told me risk of transmission is far lower even with an outbreak if the HSV is established rather than a new infection as the symptomatic viral shedding is lower the longer you have it.

I did end up with a c-section for far less manageable reasons(!), but if my cervix and my baby's head had played ball I would have had a vaginal birth, by medical recommendation, as the risks of c-sec to mother and baby are higher than the risk of asymptomatic viral shedding and neonatal infection.

Some of these responses are classic MN drivel. Of course he should have told you a LOT sooner! Honestly I would expect to be told that by the 3rd date. It's a major STD and you should be aware of what you are getting into before you spend 5 months dating someone.

Bin him off OP.

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking

*You are hard work - here have a C&P from the NHS website, which I quoted from IF you ever bothered to read past the end of your nose. Then you can email them and tell them they are wrong.

Genital herpes is herpes simplex

www.nhs.uk/conditions/genital-herpes/*

Sigh. So are cold sores. They are not wrong. Both conditions are caused by herpes simplex. Are you simple?

www.nhs.uk/conditions/cold-sores/

@vuripadexo

You seem to be taking this very personally. At the end of the day people have the right to discriminate with their own bodies. Anyone who excludes someone with herpes misses out on a potential relationship. It's their risk to take.

I don't dispute that for a second. People absolutely have the right to end any relationship for any reason, reasonable or unreasonable. Not wanting to sleep with someone who has HSV is totally reasonable. But it might help people make a more informed decision if they are, you know, informed. So I'm sharing surprisingly little-known information. If she decides not to read it and bin him, that is totally reasonable. If she decides to read it, decides it makes no difference and bin him, likewise! And if she reads it and decides that she's no longer worried about the HSV but doesn't appreciate how he told her and how long he left it and bins him - also fine!

All I want to do is improve people's understanding of a disease I have, so fewer people have to feel as miserable, afraid and dirty as I did when I discovered I had what is actually a very common and manageable condition.

I think he's raised it at an appropriate moment. You haven't had sex yet, so it isn't an issue up to that point.

Herpes, in the sense that most people use it, is cold sores of the penis or vagina and surrounding areas. It isn't a death sentence.

I had a boyfriend years ago who had it and I know it was nothing short of torture for him to tell me. He felt mortified and embarrassed as though he had something awful and dirty. He nearly ended the relationship, rather than tell me.

Does everyone who gets cold sores disclose that up front? I'm sure some do, but I bet loads don't but no one thinks that they're withholding. If you have oral sex with a cold sore sufferer you could just as easily get herpes.

The most important thing is that he has told you, before you were intimate. You can both then be sensible about you not catching it.

Given that an estimated 20% of adults have genital herpes (so think of that in terms of every five profiles on an online dating website, every one person out of five in a busy bar) most of them have no idea they have it and the nhs ‘full STD’ screen test does not test for herpes... it’s pretty safe to say that whenever we choose to have sex there is a chance we could be exposing ourselves to the virus.

There is just that extra stigma with genital herpes for some reason. You could still be a virgin and contract it from someone’s cold sore during oral sex. Yet we don’t speak of oral herpes/cold sores in the same way and it’s seen as ‘acceptable’ despite being caused by the same virus.

Ditto HPV, it is sexually transmitted yet we can openly talk about abnormal smear results without the std association and stigma.

It’s no wonder the people unlucky enough to know they have the virus don’t want to disclose it straight away. It could easily become common knowledge that way as well, same with infertility problems etc that someone doesn’t want everyone to know about.

I don't dispute that for a second. People absolutely have the right to end any relationship for any reason, reasonable or unreasonable. Not wanting to sleep with someone who has HSV is totally reasonable. But it might help people make a more informed decision if they are, you know, informed. So I'm sharing surprisingly little-known information. If she decides not to read it and bin him, that is totally reasonable. If she decides to read it, decides it makes no difference and bin him, likewise! And if she reads it and decides that she's no longer worried about the HSV but doesn't appreciate how he told her and how long he left it and bins him - also fine!

I think your desire to share is more like a desire to aggressively chastise anyone who disagrees with you. You don't seem to care much about the OP. I mean wishing herpes on someone on the thread is just trying to create a derailing bunfight. I'm shocked it hasn't been deleted.

And the OP is clearly upset about how she was told and dismissed. I think your own bias is basically causing you to project onto the situation. He didn't move to "reassurance". He laughed in her face.

Why not just create a Herpes awareness thread so that the OP's actual life doesn't get in the way of your lecturing?

I mean wishing herpes on someone on the thread is just trying to create a derailing bunfight. I'm shocked it hasn't been deleted.

I didn't wish it on her. I said it was more than likely she has it, which is statistically true. So I was wishing she knew (not wishing she did, categorically different things) so she could stop reviling people who have it and know it and already have enough societally-imposed and irrational self-loathing to deal with without people saying how disgusting they are for something they can't help.

Why not just create a Herpes awareness thread so that the OP's actual life doesn't get in the way of your lecturing?

And yes the information-sharing goes beyond the immediate problem the OP has, but that is standard on MN threads. Very few threads (which can run to hundreds of posts) stay strictly on the matter in hand. Matters are discussed in principle, new related topics are raised and discussed in context.

Who precisely made you this thread's policeman? If the OP has an issue with my posting I'm sure she would have raised it with me herself. Whereas I suspect she is probably upset and in shock and quite keen to have as much info as she can to work with whilst trying to come to terms with this revelation.

I wouldn’t Knowingly sleep with someone who has an Sti/std. why would I risk my own health when there are other options out there.

He shouldn’t of waited six months to tell you. He waited till he feels your feelings for him will be to strong for you to leave.

chillpizza would you have a relationship with someone with cold sores?

No