Herpes disclosure..

[LillyLelloMello]

If you were in a relationship with someone and hadn't yet been sexual but were intimate emotionally and romantically and they waited five to six months before casually dropping into the conversation that they had herpes and then dismissed it and your shock/anger by saying it's common and no big deal and also that if you loved them it shouldn't matter how would you feel about them??

@LillyLelloMello

Sorry I didn't understand he said genital herpes not cold sores but an STD. I am unreasonable to feel odd that he held back having an STD for that long?

But they are the same disease? Do you really think it's significant he has the virus from having sex rather than from getting a kiss from his auntie as a baby? Unless you're puritanical about sex it makes no difference. In fact, if he is only symptomatic on the genitals it is a lot easier to manage because you can use barrier protection/avoid sex during outbreaks - cold sores suck worse because when you have an outbreak you can't kiss your loved ones. If he was telling you he has cold sores now, at this point, when you've already been kissing, you might have cause to be annoyed.

It’s more like 1 in 4, apparently, herpesvirus.
I’d be totally pissed off, OP. This is the stuff you say at the onset. As difficult as it is for the carrier to disclose this information (for fear of rejection), it’s just basic decency to throw this card down on the table early on.
DH told me on our second date.
It’s been 10 years and I’ve never contracted it and he’s never had a flare-up during our time together, which is great. But when he told me initially, I was worried and I did think ‘shit, do I want to be with him?’ It is a big deal because no one wants to live with a long-term virus. And there’s a risk of contracting it.

I’d known DH as a friend for a couple of years before we actually got together. So I knew he was a really good guy. I appreciated that he told me as soon as we got together. It was, however, upsetting at the time, briefly. I got past it in 24 hours.

@Confusedbeetle

confused indeed. Cold sores are herpes. Here is a link to the NHS website saying as much.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/cold-sores/

"Cold sores are caused by a virus called herpes simplex."

About 80% of the population have had herpes type 1, so the figure of 75% isn't far out. It's the type that causes coldsores, and I guess most people don't think of it as herpes - but it apparently causes 40% of genital herpes as well. The other type of herpes is (type 2) is less common, but even so about 20% of adults have been exposed. Lots of people don't get any or only very mild symptoms - that's why the figures are much higher than you might expect - and why so many people (50%) catch it off a partner who didn't even know they had it.

Source: www.herpes.org.nz/patient-info/myths-vs-facts/

@LillyLelloMello

I agree it sounds like he mishandled telling you. If you have the virus, educating yourself is really important. And once you know more you realise that it is far less of a big deal than is generally thought; but you still have to accept that it's a scary word to most, and when disclosing go armed with verifiable evidence to reassure your potential partner that you have not knowingly put them at risk. You have to be accepting of the fact it will be a shock and they will need to go through their own process of education. And that they may still decide they are not happy with the risk, as is their right.

But as a sufferer, it is pretty upsetting being treated like a leper for having, basically, a periodic version of chicken pox. So there is the temptation to try and go straight to 'reassurance' without putting the work in to accepting and informing.

Have a read around and then a talk with him, then decide if you think you can work around it or not. Totally up to you!

I’d be a bit pissed off if someone waited so long to disclose that they are positive for an incurable STD and then refused to discuss it. For some people being an STD carrier is a deal breaker. It’s a bit like waiting six months to tell you that he is bankrupt and then acting like you are unreasonable for wanting to discuss it further. He isn’t entitled to expect you to be ok with it. It makes me wonder whether he will regularly spring things on you and refuse to discuss them with you.

The problem with genital herpes statistics is that the majority of cases are never diagnosed.

The NHS only tests people with visible symptoms by swabbing the infected blister or sore.

Over 80% of people who catch genital herpes never get any noticeable symptoms so therefore never get tested for it.

If you go for a ‘full STD screening’ you don’t actually get tested for genital herpes.

Also, receiving oral sex from someone with a cold sore can cause genital herpes. It is the same type of virus, HSV. Hsv1 tends to infect the mouth area whilst Hsv2 tends to infect the genital area, however it is perfectly common to get type 1 on the genitals and this generally happens through oral sex.

Also any cold sore sufferers who just discovered they have herpes from this thread, sorry if I seemed flippant. It is a scary word. I was very upset when I realised I had HSV, took me a lot of research and a long time to stop feeling 'dirty'.

Luckily my partner (who may well have given it to me actually, as his mum has cold sores and doesn't understand/won't accept they are herpes, so it's likely he was infected as a child and is now asymptomatic). He never made a huge thing of it or held it against me in any way.

I had another massive wobble around pregnancy and when my daughter was a baby (due to the very real risks of neonatal herpes its important to be aware of) but really, the stats of prevalence (huge) and of serious complications (tiny) are very reassuring on the 20th read or so!

Anyway, about the guy, rather than the stats, it’s not the fact that he has herpes that’s the problem here. It’s the sin of omission- it’s what he didn’t say. He didn’t disclose and this was not some minor oversight on his part. He wanted to wait to see where things were going? Reel you in and then drop the H bomb. Not cool. You have a right to contemplate whether or not you want to risk contracting a long-term virus. No big deal? No and yes. It’s manageable. But it’s still a very uncomfortable virus and it won’t shift too quickly from the system, if ever.

The way he’s dealt with it makes me wonder if he’ll be cautious enough to avoid sex when flaring up. Will he be reasonable and responsible and considerate of your health? Those are the questions that need asking. You need reassurance that he’ll take precautionary measures if he has so much as a niggle of a flare up.

Perhaps he is embarrassed about having it and wanted to wait until he thought you were going to be around for the long haul and he trusted you. It would be different if he had sex with you without disclosing. I can understand not wanting to tell you straight away because it is an upsetting conversation to have. Maybe him laughing it off was a coping strategy. He probably thinks about it a lot. It's only contagious around flare ups and he'll probably know the signs.

It’s like the American statistics show that over 25% of adults in the USA have it but most of those have no idea they actually have it.

Not many adults can confidently know they definitely don’t have genital herpes, and a lot of us will have unknowingly slept with people who carry the virus as well.

I personally would not go anywhere near someone with herpes - I am the same with warts, veruccas etc - even the words upset me. But each to their own. God, just the thought makes me feel sick...

@Purplecarshopaholic but considering an estimated 20% or so of adults have genital herpes and most of them don’t actually know they have it, it’s not completely straightforward to totally avoid

I’ve had genital herpes for over 40 yrs.
I’ve never, to my knowledge, passed it on to anyone.
It’s no big deal.

Yes, he was very dismissive and yanbu at all. Its not the end of the world, but it isn't to be brushed off. If thats how he approaches the issue i would leave it (the dating).

My partner of 8 yrs didn't tell me hehad HSV1 /cold sores until one turned up in our first year together and that was a big enough WHAT? moment, Let alone genital herpes. i know, i know how common cold sores are - i just dont want them! I want to know immediately so i can protect myself, which is how you are rightfully feeling. You're now thinking hey, if we got caught up in the moment on our last date woukd he have stopped and told me? What if he was on the verge of a breakout? Who are you to him and would he really care about the consequences for you, since you're still mostly strangers. Probably not.

But in reality, you can live carefully and happily with it, without passing it on with a responsible and educated person, but is he that? Sounds like maybe not. Look after you.

@TheVanguardSix

He wanted to wait to see where things were going? Reel you in and then drop the H bomb. Not cool. You have a right to contemplate whether or not you want to risk contracting a long-term virus.

Would you say this about all health conditions?

"Hi, how are you, my name's Julie, it might interest you to know I suffer from endogenous depression that I have managed for a decade via CBT, I also have rhesus-negative blood type which may have some increased risk if I ever carry your child, and a genetic disposition towards high cholesterol. Still fancy that blind date? Um, hello?"

People are entitled to disclose or not disclose their health status in their personal lives. Especially given the misinformation abounding on HSV (as evidenced on this very thread, not by the OP specifically) it is particularly difficult for sufferers to open up about this to someone they don't yet know. I'd say before things get sexual is the point it becomes relevant and should be disclosed - we never know when we invest time in an early relationship what will come of it. Should people disclose their sexual preferences, their fantasies, the number of children they want, introduce their families, within the first month just in case any of these things turn out to be 'deal breaker'?

Wouldn't happen. Need full STD tests done.

Talk to him.

@Namestheyareachangin

Could you contact the NHS and ask them to amend their website, they appear to be wrong. I did link to it but I forget that a know-it-all from the sofa always knows better.

If everyday is a school day, shame you didnt attend more often.

It'd be a no from me, I'm afraid.

@Purplecatshopaholic

I wish I could send you the money to get yourself privately tested for HSV. You probably have it already. What a horrible thing to say that people with this disease make you sick.

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking

Could you contact the NHS and ask them to amend their website, they appear to be wrong. I did link to it but I forget that a know-it-all from the sofa always knows better.

Err, you linked to netdoctors.co.uk (er, who?) and nothing in the article you linked to refutes that genital herpes and cold sores are both, in fact, herpes. Whereas my NHS link proves categorically that cold sores are herpes.

So what are you on about?

OfficeSlave Tue 22-Jan-19 15:03:11
He wanted to wait to see where things were going? Reel you in and then drop the H bomb. Not cool.

This is what would be the dealbreaker for me, not the Herpes.

I was tested & diagnosed with herpes (genital) about 25 years ago. Then I got symptoms again, different doctor & they sent me to be tested again & it came back negative . But I have had symptoms 3 times in those 25 years. I haven’t disclosed to subsequent partners as the probability is that I won’t be symptomatic again (explained by docs). I wouldn’t be impressed by the casual mention then laughing, but perhaps they felt embarrassed. At least they disclosed before you had sex. Also, I would start a new conversation about it. Ask how often they are symptomatic.

I don't think you're being UR. It would be a deal breaker for me too. People can go on about cold sores etc - but I don't have genital herpes and i dont have cold sores.

And if I did have cold sores etc - I'd tell someone before I'd even kissed them as that can spread it too even without a visible breakout. If i liked them a lot, then out of respect for them, I'd let them know so they can make at decision of consent before kissing me/going further. Fyi- people with cold sores can transfer it to your genitals via oral.

Likewise I'd expect the same courtesy to be shown to me. If I met a guy who before I even kissed him was honest about having cold sores even at the risk of me breaking it off with- it would actually improve my view of him as I'd see him as a genuine and honest man and therefore "long term partner" potential.

The fact you'd been romantically involved - most likely kissed etc- he wasn't sincerely honest with you. And even now has finally told you (probably because he knows you may well catch the herpes following sex and accuse him etc) and now he's guilting you for making a deal out of it and wanting to have been told earlier etc.

It's not really about the herpes - it's more about his honesty and his attitude that I'd find off putting and would make me question whether I want to be with someone like that long term. Especially husband/ parent potential wise - I'd be looking for someone honest and sincere. At the very least - if he can see youre hurt by the lack of up frontness - he should be more considerate of your feelings/ open to understanding your view rather than just trying to shut you up with the whole "but if you really loved me" rubbish. I can picture him using that to get away with a shit ton of rubbish behaviour. It's just emotional guilting. I've been married for a very long time and my husband has never said those words to me except as a joke - used ironically in a stupid voice. Because it's an emotionally immature thing to say. He should be trying harder to understand how you feel and at the very least trying to reach a compromise on yours and his feelings on the matter. Not just trying to make you accept and carry on with no acknowledgement of your feelings on the matter, only his.

Oh, sorry, you did also link to the NHS website page re genital herpes, which states:

"You can get genital herpes:
from skin-to-skin contact with the infected area – including vaginal, anal and oral sex
when there are no visible sores or blisters
if a cold sore touches your genitals
by transferring the infection on fingers from someone else to your genitals
by sharing sex toys with someone who has herpes"

Thank you for disproving your own point.