Herpes disclosure..

[LillyLelloMello]

If you were in a relationship with someone and hadn't yet been sexual but were intimate emotionally and romantically and they waited five to six months before casually dropping into the conversation that they had herpes and then dismissed it and your shock/anger by saying it's common and no big deal and also that if you loved them it shouldn't matter how would you feel about them??

Can see both sides, it's a personal embarrassing issue for him, but its a lifelong STD to you.
6 months is too long though, it wasn't fair he waited til after you fell for him, to drop a potential deal breaker on you. It's not casual dating info, but once feelings started to get involved he should have disclosed.

Move on op

Eww - now you have mentioned "other things" he does sound ignorant and arrogant - end it now for both your sake and your son's
why does he have £200,000 savings btw?

Ok, he sounds like a wrongun. He got mad about YOUR son seeing your bum cheek top of thigh?! Get out. Your child can see you entirely naked without itbeing wrong. Youre right to be spooked by that and the rest. He sounds likehe has a lot more mental issues going on. Avoid.

@danceyourselfsilly he was in a position he had very little outgoings and was able to save a lot of money but this is his life savings and he doesn't own a house which is why he said he was upset about me using the money but I am confused as he made such a huge deal insisting I take it trying to be a hero and now has made himself look like a total miser and fraud.

PixieCutRegret

they were sexually active just not full intercourse because he couldn't get it up.

vuripadexo Ah I missed that bit of the update, so he told her after they became sexually active then, not good.

Erectile issues as a result of a guilty conscience I would imagine.

@MargoLovebutter one of the most balanced fair responses on here. The ignorance in this thread truly boggles and you can see why people with hsv feel nasty and dirty like there is something wrong with them

why did he have no outgoings - did he work and not pay his parents any upkeep for example for a few years - alarm bells

@danceyourselfsilly his rent was really low where he was living/sharing space and he was earning a lot at that time and living very frugally apparently.

It sounds like a deeply insecure man with erectile dysfunction, herpes and has decided to trap you. To offer you money to use and then be mad at you for using it is not normal. The only reason i can think of is to use it to guilt you in to staying the more his personality reveals.

well he sounds rather entitled/sexist apart from anything else
he is living there therefore he can tidy up can't he - why is it your job?(because you are a woman) plus he has 2 children he hasn't brought up? do you need any more evidence OP?

The worst thing is his dictatorial attitude towards what your little boy can see re your body. Absolutely none of his business. Along with the other issues I couldn't be bothered with him.
Regarding Herpes Simplex it's easier to think of it as Type 1&2; both can cause oro-facial lesions and genital lesions -less confusing that way.
Also you can contract oro-facial herpes simplex when kissing somebody whose lesion is just at the tingly stage. There doesn't have to be blisters/vesicles.

Thanks blueluce85. I hate prejudice wherever it occurs.

LillyLelloMello the other aspects about him that have made you question things would worry me far more than him having herpes. Herpes can be avoided (I don’t have it despite one of my exes having had it and yes I have been tested) but unpleasant character traits, a person is often stuck with.

I'll just ignore Vuri's nasty bigoted fact free "you people" baiting. As if "providing information" = forcing people to date/have sex with anyone! If anything it's giving people who are bothered by herpes the opportunity to avoid the risk more, as few people understand the connection with cold sores so knowing it is the same virus enables them to be even more careful if that is their wish. Knowledge is power, always, surely?

OP from your -drip feed- updates it sounds like he's a nasty controlling dick and you should get rid. Herpes or no herpes.

@Chillpizza Isn’t it HIV where it’s illegal to not inform before

I’ll not comment on your posts as your view is your prerogative, but I will correct you on the above point...no it is not necessarily illegal to not inform someone before having sex - not in England or Wales anyway. Read below taken from the THT website:

In England and Wales, you may be found guilty of reckless HIV transmission if all of the below apply:

1. You had sex with someone who didn’t know you had HIV.
2. You knew you had HIV at that time.
3. You understood how HIV is transmitted.
4. You had sex without a condom.
5. You transmitted HIV to that person.

In Scotland, the law is more strict. You can also be prosecuted for putting someone at risk without their prior knowledge or consent, even if transmission did not take place.

So working on the basis that I, (like 97% of the people living with HIV in the U.K. who are on treatment with an undetectable viral load) know I CANNOT infect any partner, there is no legal requirement to tell.

Of course morally, especially if someone is looking for more than a ONS, that’s another story altogether.

Reading about him op I'd say herpes and how he told you about it is the least of your worries.

My partner of 6 years has cold sores and I’ve never caught one!

sort of the way being in love is used as a tool to push you into something before you can actually consider how you feel about it.

Wait....what?

People do this? Are you sure?

I feel like you need to reframe your relationships somehow.

Also, if I was in a relationship but had not been sexually intimate at 5-6 months then I would assume I was not 'in a relationship', but hanging out with a mate. So, on that basis, I'd have no concerns that they had herpes.

My Nephew is 8 and has herpes. On his hand. According to some of you, he should resign himself to a single life and should be shunned like the diseased pariah he is. GTFOH.

he said genital herpes not cold sores but an STD

It’s the same thing. You can have a cold sore on your face and transfer it to someone’s genitals via oral sex. In fact, if you have a cold sore and lick your fingers before having a wank you can transfer herpes to your own genitals. It’s perfectly possible for a virgin to get a cold sore on his face from kissing his mum then transfer it to his own penis via his hand, without ever having sex.

And those who are so smug about not having herpes, how do you know you don’t have it? You could have caught it for example from drinking out of an infected friend’s bottle of pop, and be a carrier but never had an outbreak so you don’t know about it.

Basically, this man's/your problem is not herpes, but his personality and his views on women and respect. The 'your son can't see your bum cheek' thing i think is the most worrying thing, OP, and is a massive red flag. I do hope you find a way out.

Six months is a long time to wait before disclosing. I imagine he was terrified of rejection. Still, no harm done as you haven't been sexually active with each other yet, just time wasted if you are now not interested in proceeding with the relationship.

I haven't read the whole thread, but there is an awful lot of incorrect information on here.

Firstly, if you are interested in seeing how things progress then you need to find out whether he has genital HSV1 or genital HSV2. This is important as there are reportedly no cases of genital to genital HSV1 transmission. This is because HSV1, although usually presents quite nasty symptoms in a primary genital outbreak, much prefers the face and so the majority of people will only have their primary outbreak or their primary and one or two subsequent ones. HSV2 averages 4-6 outbreaks in the first year after infection. Most people get outbreaks less frequently as time goes on but the rate of HSV2 asymptomatic viral shedding remains significant years after infection. You will need to seek private blood testing (HSV antibodies can be detected in the blood in most carriers) if you want to find out your own status, although this won't tell you where you have the virus, just whether you have HSV1 or 2, or neither.

Some more facts
In the UK around 1 in 10 people have HSV2 (almost all genital).
6 in 10 have HSV1. Mainly oral, although in 2016 (and with similar figures in subsequent years) HSV1 accounted for around 70% of all newly diagnosed genital infections.
The NHS does not test for genital HSV unless you have visible symptoms. Most carriers are asymptomatic or have symptoms so slight that they are missed or visually misdiagnosed. Only 1 in 5 people have classic symptoms and about the same percentage know they have it.
The NHS does not inform people they are not being tested for HSV.
Just because you haven't had any symptoms doesn't mean you don't have it.
Herpes simplex is one of eight herpes viruses. The family also includes herpes varicella (chicken pox) and Epstein-Barr (glandular fever).
Herpes simplex wasn't considered an STD in the UK until the 1980s when a well-known pharmaceutical company in the US developed antivirals and found they could be used to treat HSV and set out to create a stigma. It all kicked off with a front page editorial in Time magazine in the US, calling it the new scarlet letter.

There are lots more facts about HSV. The herpes viruses association is an excellent source of information if you would like to learn more.

I should clarify that while clinical studies on asymptomatic shedding are significant for hsv2, transmission risk from male to female is around 10% per year, and 4% from female to male per year. This is based on sex with no condom/femidom and no antivirals. The virus normally appears in the same area, but can breakout in a different nearby spot from time to time. During a visible outbreak, the virus may also be present without being apparent on the skin anywhere within the genital area, but it is accepted that if a male has outbreaks in the area covered by a condom this cuts transmission to a very low level risk as the virus cannot get through a condom. Antivirals cut the risk by half, so to 2% for ftm transmission without a condom. The risk stays at 2% using a condom as well though,so there is always a small chance of transmission.

The biggest risk is of course that most don't know they have it and so aren't taking precautions. And this goes for people infected orally with 'cold sores' and genitally.

Surprised no one has brought up the david golding case. Terrible reporting from the daily mail on that one. Doctors agree he never should have been sent to prison.