To break up with my best friend

[slippersandtoast]

I think I've pretty much reached the point where I think I need to do this, but I feel like a complete bitch for doing so.

I look after her DD morning and evening, and she sleeps over sometimes. It's reached to stage where of DD is hurt or something, she runs to me first as BF doesn't respond. BF takes me for granted when I'm doing that, doesn't tell me when she's coming back, expects to be fed everyday when she does turn up. She'll send me random texts asking me to wash her dishes or help with her house while she is at work. When she does come over, she's moody and just sits on her phone or goes to sleep. She moans that she "has to" be here everyday, despite the fact that her needs are the reason she is here everyday. It's like having a third teenager. If I try and challenge this, she loses her temper, everything is my fault, I'm selfish, I can't tel her what to do...

However, as much as that picture is painting a really depressing story and everyone will be screaming at me to cut her off, it's really not that easy. We've supported each other through a ridiculous amount of shit, we have wonderful trips out and holidays, we share families. She has MH problems, which is why I've ended up doing the physical support around her house.

So, am I just a complete bitch, do I need to be supportive and stop being so selfish?

Or am I right, should I stop fighting for this friendship that is starting to feel toxic - and if so, how do I let go of the "but we have been friends forever and have millions of memories and one day it will be good again" feeling?

Or can there be an in between somehow? We enjoy events and trips but I stop being her personal maid (and yes I know I've pretty much allowed this).

Wow that was a lot...I'm sure I'll think of other things as we go along!

I hope so. I feel quite sad that I may not see her DD again.

With regard to the credit card have you put a stop on it so that no further debits can be made in case she has the number/expiry details etc. You should be able to do that and any credits will still go in. MIL had to do this after sil went rogue with her credit card.

I have the card. I stopped her using it a while ago. I said she was taking the piss - she said I was selfish and controlling 

Hmm... I think we know who’s selfish here. Not you!

OP, i have some sympathy for what you're going through.....however - this situation has been of your own making and you are 100% responsible for your own actions and lack of action.

You've knowingly been enabling a neglectful parent to continue neglecting their dc!
SS are not going to help her if you are there doing their job for them!
You need to contact SS and be completely honest with what's been happening and what will happen when you stop.
Then you have to step back and let her self destruct .....that's the only way outside agencies will take this seriously enough to step in.
If you have photographic evidence of the state of her house that would help.

Taking a loan out in your own name for somebody else is never a good idea for this very reason - you are legally responsible for the repayments.
Given how irresponsible and unreliable she was before having dc, i'm shocked that you kept on enabling her.

It's one thing to help out a friend in need but you've taken this to a whole new level where you are in effect the other parent to this dc.

I'm not surprised she's denying owing you money - she's been telling you very loudly and clearly all these years that she's a user, entitled and definitely not the kind of friend you deserve.
You need to look at your own reasons why you've allowed yourself to be suckered into this.
The only way to deal with her is to insist on boundaries and stick to them even if it means she kicks off.

Right now she needs you more - so don't be surprised if she comes running back or suddenly there's an 'emergency/medical' issue that requires you to back down on your boundaries.
Don't fall for that manipulation.

Let’s hope the money you save from food and petrol will cover the loan. It adds up feeding extra ppl. She is a horrible piece of work

I know I've let this happen. I was just trying to be nice, keep DD stable (as she doesn't mind where she ends up if I'm not about) and she's impossible to say no to. Relentless.

You know what i do with people who are 'relentless'?
Tell them the first time not to keep asking me about it because my answer won't change.
Then i either ignore/mute their calls/texting or block them until i feel like unblocking them.

I'm very blunt with my responses too when they give me shit.

Oh my word OP. You really have been taken for a mug and I mean that in the nicest possible way. You are just too soft for your own good but from that kids perspective thank fuck you are around. Seriously you need to look after yourself and the little one if possible. She is the one I would be worried about if the shit hits the fan.

As for this so called friendship I think you may forgot about that and btw the sounds of it your money also. At least if you write off the loan you can also write off the friend.

Its a tough one especially with the child.

OP I can promise that, even if contact with her DD is stopped, she WILL remember the stability and the peace you brought to her life.

I had a shit childhood: I still, at 37, remember those who made a difference.

If you reframed this as a couple, rather than two friends, it would be an abusive relationship. Imagine if OP was saying ‘My DP neglects his DD so I collect her from school, I feed them both, sometimes hem criticise what I’ve cooked though, I help with finances, took out a loan in his name...’. Would we be saying ‘You’ve let this happen’? I don’t think it helps at this point to berate the OP, just to encourage her to move forward and essentially LTB, she needs empowering after doing this friends ‘bidding’ for so long.

slippers well done for contacting SS, I hope they can help and you can step away from this, even if unfortunately you’re saddled with the debt in order to do it.

What have you actually said to your friend? Are you still looking after her dd?

No. She sent me lots of nasty texts that night I went out instead of getting DD. I tried to reason with her but ended up blocking her.

I've emailed her about money and she's not replying. Things had been awkward over the weekend because DD was dumped on me unexpectedly and she was very rude about it; and I had tried to ask for some money back then but she basically just laughed at me.

DD hasn't slept at home for the last two nights and won't tonight. I'm trying to keep my nose out but can't help but find it upsetting.

What did SS say?

How do you know where her DD slept for the last two nights?

I don't know where she slept. I know she wasn't home. I can see her house and I've seen BF coming and going alone since then.

Oh I see. And what did SS say?

I know you care about the little girl but you need to cut contact for now and then ring social services. Hopefully then she will get caught out with the lies. As for the money I think you won't see that again. You don't need a friendship with this kind of person even though you care for her child.

SS have just taken information. Haven't heard anything from them. All contact has stopped atm.

Oh what a mess, OP. Have you always been a fixer, the one in your family growing up who made everything better for everyone else? It really sounds like it to me, I was the same, until I learned to not go running every time someone needed/wanted help. If you can, I'd really recommend counselling for yourself. Psychotherapy worked for me and now if someone demands I take on their shit, I can literally say 'not my problem' or 'I don't care' (in extremis, for an utter leech of a woman who does nothing but take and was ruining my much needed holiday at the time) and leave them to it. Best of luck.

You've done the right thing.

I would make sure Childrens services know absolutely everything and how concerned you are and ask if there is an update.

You need to be firm here though because I doubt she will let it drop and I don't think you will see the money again.

If you think she is leaving her child unattended ring CS straight away.

Please offer to full time Foster that child

I'd love to. There's no way she would allow it.

Oh no :(

I would suggest that you contact the school and let them know that you are no longer an approved person for contact. Also let them know that you have informed social services and that they should be aware that your friend has no responsible support for her dd.