To break up with my best friend

[slippersandtoast]

I think I've pretty much reached the point where I think I need to do this, but I feel like a complete bitch for doing so.

I look after her DD morning and evening, and she sleeps over sometimes. It's reached to stage where of DD is hurt or something, she runs to me first as BF doesn't respond. BF takes me for granted when I'm doing that, doesn't tell me when she's coming back, expects to be fed everyday when she does turn up. She'll send me random texts asking me to wash her dishes or help with her house while she is at work. When she does come over, she's moody and just sits on her phone or goes to sleep. She moans that she "has to" be here everyday, despite the fact that her needs are the reason she is here everyday. It's like having a third teenager. If I try and challenge this, she loses her temper, everything is my fault, I'm selfish, I can't tel her what to do...

However, as much as that picture is painting a really depressing story and everyone will be screaming at me to cut her off, it's really not that easy. We've supported each other through a ridiculous amount of shit, we have wonderful trips out and holidays, we share families. She has MH problems, which is why I've ended up doing the physical support around her house.

So, am I just a complete bitch, do I need to be supportive and stop being so selfish?

Or am I right, should I stop fighting for this friendship that is starting to feel toxic - and if so, how do I let go of the "but we have been friends forever and have millions of memories and one day it will be good again" feeling?

Or can there be an in between somehow? We enjoy events and trips but I stop being her personal maid (and yes I know I've pretty much allowed this).

Wow that was a lot...I'm sure I'll think of other things as we go along!

You know what you need to do. You say it’s not effecting your children but it is-you have less time, money and energy-and food! Stick up for yourself. Whilst you love the child you are not doing them or yourself any favours and your teaching your own children that in order to be a good friend that you have to let yourself be treated like shit and just give give give. You’re not teaching them about healthy relationships-what advice would you give them if they came to you with this problem?

Do you have anything in writing / text about the money? If not, and she stops paying, I'm not sure there's anything you can do other than pay it yourself, but I hope I'm wrong.

If the debt is manageable then it might be worth it. You can immediately stop doing favours for her.

Had a discussion with DC last night. Suggested I may stop having them around. DC sad because they love them dearly but eldest did say that she feels I have been used over the last few months.

Absolutely nothing in writing. I used to joke that that was because she knew the law and knew she wouldn't have to pay and she just laughed it off, saying of course she would never to do that to me.

Well, you'll just have to let your children be sad.

Have you spoken to SS yet?

Ha I wasn't suggesting carrying on because they were sad! They did see my point of view and agree.

You really ought to have a phone conversation with her SS caseworker or whoever it is that you said knows about the situation and is pleased she is supported by you. For the DD‘s sake. Make it all about her welfare, list the problems.

You could say you would be happy to take her while Mum sorts herself out, tell them you believe this would cause the least damage to DD if she had to move out of her home. I know this may be too tricky given how Mum would react. But if so, are you happy to leave DD there? Or should someone else be looking after her?

I see how hard it must be for you. I‘m glad people here have helped you change how you look at things. I would just say, focus on the child. Speak to SS and share your concerns. They need to act.

Well you have been royally had now that she's denying owing you money. Make today the first day you break the emotional and financial abuse you are suffering at the hands of this total bitch. Ring SS as many posters have advised and tell them you are no longer in the picture so they will need to step in. Even if you fostered the child she'd still be round every day for her dinner thinking she had every right to be there to see her child. She's a manipulative, controlling cow and most likely uses her MH issues to play you. Stop the cycle today. Well done for sticking to your own plans yesterday - that was one step forward for you.

I think as a minimm, you have to stop feeding this woman. Feed the DC before she arrives and insists she collects and goes straight home.

Tell her that you are struggling financial and can no longer be her free meal ticket.

Talk to the school and SS. Explain the real situation. Tell them you've come to love this child as your own but are struggling to cope, explain the loan situation and how things have shifted from being an appreciated friend and she is now treating you like her slave. Tell them how it would be if you stepped back and make sure that they know she will be neglected.

It's not just your friend that is abusing your goodwill but also SS. Your support has enabled SS to sign her off. You need to let them know you are doing more and more and they need to get back involved before they end up having both of you on their books. If you're happy to foster, then let them know, your friend doesn't seem bothered about her child so she may be happier to let you take over. It could be that you have to send this child back so SS intervene and she gets taken away - it's drastic and unfair on the DC but sometimes you can't beat the system. You need to be financially compensated for helping SS out because, taking the emotion away from the equation, that is exactly what you are doing.

So you haven't rung SS yet?

I'm not physically able to make phone calls at present but I am moving forward with this. Absolutely terrified so appreciating all the mumsnet support.

Terrified of what?

If you get funding for fostering (a few steps ahead!) maybe that could help towards the loan repayments, after the child's needs are met of course!
Keep posting OP, you have had great support and advice.

You are doing the right thing. She was taking advantage of your generous nature. If she can manage to tidy before SS visits then she was just being lazy in the past. Have you told the school that you will no longer be collecting so they don’t phone you ?

How much is the loan and what are the repayments? If you are no longer feeding and looking after them, you might be able to repay it yourself. Unfortunately it sounds like she's going to dump it on you, and with no proof that it's hers, you have no comeback and might have to pay it back.

Sounds like she is dangling the threat of no longer repaying the loan over your head as a consequence for you no longer being her servant. I was worried about this. I suspect you need to be smarter about this. You need to tell her that you are feeling used. You need to tell her that you LOVE having her and DC around, but can’t continue unless she signs the contract. You can’t imagine the grief of having them disappear from your life, etc.... then piss them off.

Has she been making the loan repayments directly out of her account to whoever the loan has been taken out with?
If this is the case I wonder if you might be able to make the case (to the lender) that this is her debt, and not yours, as why else would she be paying it?

I'm not clear if she's paying you anything or not? Asking because in relation to above paragraph, if she's not paying you then she could possibly claim that instead of paying you, she's paying "your" debt.
But I think you need professional advice on this rather than random well-wishers on the internet!

Why are you terrified? Because this so called friend is bullying You?

If you can't face a phone call then email children's services and request a meeting. Maybe they could mediate between you both.

I'm a bit confused. Have you got parental responsibility?

You need to sort this out now for the future for the sake of the children - yours and her"s.

This has moved on from friendship. She appears to be controlling your life.
You know this has to end.

What is your single main priority here?

Is she blackmailing you now?

Why can't you physically make the calls?

You need to do this op. You are enabling her to neglect her child.

Hi

Physically - I was somewhere I couldn't call. I've spoken to people now.

Terrified - what she will make up as repercussions.

Money - she pays out of her bank account each month but she also owes me cash which she is refusing to. I did worry that it would look as if she has been paying my debt but it's a credit card (0% if that lowers my stupidity) and there are clearly purchases that link to her.

I have felt blackmailed about this for a long time but currently my sanity is more important. But my main concern immediately is her child. I don't have PR.

Sorry for the delay but hope that answers all your questions. You're all making me feel a bit less bitchy and insane!

Speak to Stepchange about the loan. They may be able to help, as they're a debt charity. It might come to it that you have to contact the creditor and arrange different repayment amounts, over a longer period. But I don't think you'll have much luck passing the liability on to her.

No it's not that bad if I have to manage. Like pp said, my food and petrol savings are going to be significant. I'm just angry I should have to.

I dont know how you do this.
On the other hand, your friend’s daughter might look back on her childhood one day and realise you was the person who shaped her and provided stability and support whilst her own mum was just shit.
That girl is very lucky to have you.
Do you think your friend might be depressed hence such a shitty rude behaviour?