To break up with my best friend

[slippersandtoast]

I think I've pretty much reached the point where I think I need to do this, but I feel like a complete bitch for doing so.

I look after her DD morning and evening, and she sleeps over sometimes. It's reached to stage where of DD is hurt or something, she runs to me first as BF doesn't respond. BF takes me for granted when I'm doing that, doesn't tell me when she's coming back, expects to be fed everyday when she does turn up. She'll send me random texts asking me to wash her dishes or help with her house while she is at work. When she does come over, she's moody and just sits on her phone or goes to sleep. She moans that she "has to" be here everyday, despite the fact that her needs are the reason she is here everyday. It's like having a third teenager. If I try and challenge this, she loses her temper, everything is my fault, I'm selfish, I can't tel her what to do...

However, as much as that picture is painting a really depressing story and everyone will be screaming at me to cut her off, it's really not that easy. We've supported each other through a ridiculous amount of shit, we have wonderful trips out and holidays, we share families. She has MH problems, which is why I've ended up doing the physical support around her house.

So, am I just a complete bitch, do I need to be supportive and stop being so selfish?

Or am I right, should I stop fighting for this friendship that is starting to feel toxic - and if so, how do I let go of the "but we have been friends forever and have millions of memories and one day it will be good again" feeling?

Or can there be an in between somehow? We enjoy events and trips but I stop being her personal maid (and yes I know I've pretty much allowed this).

Wow that was a lot...I'm sure I'll think of other things as we go along!

I feel bereaved.

She is not a friend, she is like an abusive partner.

@slippersandtoast: I'm so sorry that you're feeling so sad. I would recommend what the other posters have said and tell the school that you'll no longer be the contact person and what you've told the Social Services. They need to be on high alert if anything looks wrong with this little girl.

Well done OP. You did the right thing. I'm sorry you're feeling so awful but honestly this is the absolute best thing you could do for this girl and will hopefully be the first step in getting her and your friend the support they need. I'm sure you said you were willing to foster her so at least SS know that option is open to them and if that is deemed most appropriate it could still happen. In terms of the feeling of bereavement could you write letters to the DD so she knows you are still there for her? Or stay in contact via her father, I remember you saying you were the contact point as the mother was NC? Or even via the social worker maybe. Even if the mother cuts all contact I bet one day the DD will come looking for you again.

Terrified - what she will make up as repercussions.

I don’t understand-like what? Saying something about you to Social services, do you mean?

Oh OP this is one of the saddest threads I have read. My heart is just breaking for you and this little girl.

Stay strong and please don't give in to her mother. No question it is going to be difficult but you need to look after yourself also.

Op you are amazing. You’ve done so much for them. One day the dd (if not now) will know exactly what you’ve done for her. Be strong.

Yeah she makes things up all the time to make me seem unreasonable to everyone - that I nag her and control her and make her come over all the time. She'll manipulate texts to make me seem selfish and crazy and then show people. She's got a temper.

Thank you for the kind comments. Feeling a bit low tonight. I feel like DD will also be manipulated against me and I'll never see her again.

Did you make it clear to SS that you would be prepared to take on the kid because if not there is no harm in doing that. I know you say the mother won't allow it but that could change once the reality of having to do it herself whilst she is ill. You can make it really clear to SS that you care and are prepared to be a safe place you just can't deal with the abuse any more.

Been following your thread OP. This is so sad. Poor you and that poor little girl. I think I'd be tempted to try and make some waves. Maybe make an appointment with someone senior at the school and explain the situation in full and how concerned you are, and how you're still willing to help the little girl but have had to step back because of the mum.

Also if you still have contact details for the SW you dealt with previously I wonder if you could approach them directly.

I wonder if there's any way you could be allowed to foster the little girl even without the mum's consent, given how much you do for her currently.

I hope someone with more knowledge of this kind of thing can advise

You have my every sympathy! However your friend is an adult who needs to start behaving like one. She has a child she needs to support and provide for and if she can’t then she needs to seek the right help. You will feel rotten and question your actions over and over but this is the best step forward for SS to see what is really happening. Have you emailed them or anything explaining? Back this all up with pictures, texts, phonecall scripts, even with a note from the school saying you pick up/ drop off etc whatever you can get to back up what you’re saying! I would say get advice from a solicitor or citizens advice about the money - it may be in your name but do you have enough evidence to get it changed over into her name if you went through the court? Tell her you will consider court action if she doesn’t do it.
If she gets nasty flip the switch and bite back tell her how selfish she has been & how all of this has ruined your friendship beyond repair & this is the last time you will speak to her about it the next time will be through a lawyer then block her on everything & delete her number! Keep every chat (there may always be something to back you up in them).
You are a star and the world needs more people like you in it willing to go above and beyond for those you love. You are not selfish for wanting something back.

Yeah she makes things up all the time to make me seem unreasonable to everyone - I knew you'd write something like this! It's what these people do.

The only people who matter now are you (and your family) and this little girl. And the SS. IF 'friend' goes and tells SS how 'unreasonable' you are, how does she explain that she was willing to allow her dd to stay at yours for days on end? If you are so 'unreasonable' and 'controlling', surely she'd be keeping her dd away from you? .

Are you sure that this is 'friend's' illness, and not how she is? I'm sure she was lovely to you all the while you could do something for her (money, childcare, help) but as soon as you want something back, she reverts to her own self.

Her dd aside, you would be so much better off without her in your life. Will you be safe where you are - if she kicks off?

Very good points. And she always sung my praises to SS before - I never spoke to them alone.

I do have a niggling feeling about my safety. It all seems to have ended too quietly and suddenly at the moment.

Meanwhile, her DD hasn't been near her home since I started this thread.

You should still make it clear to children’s services and to the school that you would like to be considered as foster carer should it come to that.

If it ends up in a court process the mum won’t have any say as to where her dd lives, it will all be about the interests of the child.

@slippersandtoast: where is the child? How do you know she's not been at home?

I'd agree, definitely ask to be considered.

I assume just sent to other people's houses. But that's not sustainable is it? SS were only happy with that here as he had his own bed and belongings here.

Is it possible SS have intervened and the DD is now in foster care? Have you seen the mother?

I mean the DD. Sorry.

Stupid autocorrect. DS!

I've seen the mother. Not the DD.

I now realise i was right first time - it is a DD and not a DS! I need coffee i think.

At least you can see the house and can see if the child is around or not. It will be interesting to see if she is there at the weekend.

It's confusing because OP originally said it was DD, but later on referred to her as him in a couple of posts, then back to DD.

It doesn't make any difference really, but it will confuse people, because they could think there are 2 children involved.

Hi OP, you sound like a superstar.
Sorry you’re going through all this shit.

Please please get back to Social Services - their priority is the welfare of the child, not her selfish mother.
They’ve all been relying on you to provide love and stability to this child, so make it very clear, as other posters have said that you’re happy to foster her long term.
The ‘mother’ may not want this (she’s using your love for her DD to hurt you further) but if her DD expresses a wish to live with you and your family, they may still make that happen.
Contact could be via a contact centre so you don’t have to deal with the ‘mother’

Also, please consider therapy for yourself. You sound like a very kind, decent person. You have been thoroughly taken advantage of by this grade A cheeky fucker.
She may have been your friend once, but no way is she now.
Incidentally, I’ve had MH problems, and I know a lot of people who’ve had MH problems. None of us have turned as nasty, manipulative or neglectful as this piece of work.
Be careful not to use MH problems to excuse her behaviour.

It's because I have boys. Sorry for any confusion!