To break up with my best friend

[slippersandtoast]

I think I've pretty much reached the point where I think I need to do this, but I feel like a complete bitch for doing so.

I look after her DD morning and evening, and she sleeps over sometimes. It's reached to stage where of DD is hurt or something, she runs to me first as BF doesn't respond. BF takes me for granted when I'm doing that, doesn't tell me when she's coming back, expects to be fed everyday when she does turn up. She'll send me random texts asking me to wash her dishes or help with her house while she is at work. When she does come over, she's moody and just sits on her phone or goes to sleep. She moans that she "has to" be here everyday, despite the fact that her needs are the reason she is here everyday. It's like having a third teenager. If I try and challenge this, she loses her temper, everything is my fault, I'm selfish, I can't tel her what to do...

However, as much as that picture is painting a really depressing story and everyone will be screaming at me to cut her off, it's really not that easy. We've supported each other through a ridiculous amount of shit, we have wonderful trips out and holidays, we share families. She has MH problems, which is why I've ended up doing the physical support around her house.

So, am I just a complete bitch, do I need to be supportive and stop being so selfish?

Or am I right, should I stop fighting for this friendship that is starting to feel toxic - and if so, how do I let go of the "but we have been friends forever and have millions of memories and one day it will be good again" feeling?

Or can there be an in between somehow? We enjoy events and trips but I stop being her personal maid (and yes I know I've pretty much allowed this).

Wow that was a lot...I'm sure I'll think of other things as we go along!

Bless, I just read your thread and I just wanted to give you my love. Sounds heartbreaking for you. Poor wee girl.

Do you think she’s with her dad?

Listen up, OP - you did the right thing.

Sometimes you need to be 'cruel to be kind'. SS would not see the child being neglected if you kept on masking it.

SS know you are a supportive and involved adult in that child's life. Hopefully they will come back to you. If things with the mother are as bad as you suggest, then you needed to do this. You couldn't have gone on.

You can always call them for an update - they may not tell you anything, but your concern will be noted.

Did you tell SS that you haven't seen the dd at her house?

Has she been at school?

SS are checking with school. I have no reason to be able to get that info. No sign of them again tonight.

you poor think. You must be so worried.

I need to keep reading all of this because I feel so sad this weekend!

Please stay strong Slippers
The whole reason she’s been able to treat you so badly is because of your love for her child.
Let SS do their thing. They know what an important role you have in her DD’s life and I’m sure it’ll work out well.

You’ve got to sit tight and be patient. However I’d be calling the SW regularly for updates.
They can’t use you as an unpaid carer then not involve you in her future.

I've been following your thread and wanted to help but had no helpful suggestions to make. I'm thinking of you. xxx

It is sad. It's the end of a relationship that was good until it wasn't. Give yourself the time and space to be sad and grieve the friendship. It couldn't continue as it was, because of her behaviour, and hopefully this has been the "cruel to be kind" step that needs to be taken to get her the help she needs.

What do you have planned the rest of this weekend to take your mind off it, can you get to the seaside or a hilly walk for a day out? A long bath tonight and a box set on Netflix? I can recommend the Marvelous Mrs Maisel on Amazon Prime and your favourite comfort food dinner. Mine would be curried mince with peas over rice, or maybe macaroni cheese and salad.

Thank you for the time to write such a supportive message.

This has become the longest weekend ever. I've got to learn to do things just to suit myself all over again. I don't know what to do when someone else isn't filling my time. How ridiculous!

I think you need to step back. I would say you are doing more hours at work. Then only meet elsewhere. Her place or out for coffee. If she crumbles, alert her MH team or GP. You can't be her 'prop' forever. It will be better for her to learn some independence. You have a tricky path to weaning her off your support.

Her poor DD. You sound like you have been amazing.

Slippers - if you haven't seen the DD it looks like your 'friend' may have latched onto someone else, sadly. Be prepared for the other carer 'friend' to hear all sorts of vile accusations about you, but that's not really important.

What did SS say? I suppose they won't tell you, nor will the school so yes, you will eventually have to find your own things to do, and pick up your own life again. Step right away from this shitshow. Sad for her dd, but nothing much you can do that you are not already doing.

for you. Hope it gets easier.

I don't know what to do without someone else filling my time

This shows a lot of insight, do you think you have been filling your time so much by being helpful to others, like your friend and her DD, that you have lost sight of who you are and what you want to do? Or perhaps using that a displacement activity somehow?

I know it sounds really twee but I've been working though this: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Start-Where-You-Are-Self-Exploration/dp/1846149193/ref=mpssa116?ie=UTF8&qid=1548589412&sr=8-6&pi=ACSX2366SY340QL65&keywords=self+discovery+journals&dpPl=1&dpID=51YIAnv5LwL&ref=plSrch

I can really recommend it, it's forced me to think about me and what I want and hope to do and who I really am. I think when you are a mother, and also a "helper" and a "sorter outer" you can get swept up in other people's needs and lose sight of yourself. I would guess that you are a Meyers Briggs ESFJ, a Provider, and have been giving all your time and energy to others. Now your friend has cut contact you need to think of yourself for a bit or you may end up providing again for someone else. Be as kind and generous to yourself as you are to those around you, you are worth it.

I genuinely did it all just to be nice. And it wasn't the doing, but the attitude, that made me question who I was and why I was doing it. And that still makes me sad. I was just trying to help and it ended up getting me hated.

It could be because you could do what she couldn’t. She was resentful and bitter.
You are the better person by a mile.

Why don’t you speak to SS today, they should know what’s going on?
If they refuse to talk to you, remind them that you have been parenting this child her entire life and you’re very concerned about her welfare.

They didn't seem too concerned about the childcare situation, just making sure she was safe on those days I could see her. Assuming they checked that, and she is safe, not sure they are really going to act - nothing has actually happened yet.

So unless CF has found someone else to bring her daughter up for her, she’s going to be living in a state of neglect?
Is she attending school?

I assume so, as DM has been going to work...it's her cheapest form of childcare isn't it...

I imagine SS were going to check with school. But they won't have noted anything so quickly will they? I assume it's as time goes on and she runs out of favours and goodwill - I can't imagine anyone else to be stupid enough to take on what I have, and she certainly had no one regular before this.

Won't she just be with her dad?

I think that’s guaranteed slippers.

You’ve put up with contempt, disrespect and abuse because you’ve been under the impression she’s unwell - and you love her DD.
Thing is, even if she was ill (and personally I’d be debating that) that is still no reason to treat you as she has, and absolve herself of any responsibility towards her own child.

Most people would be kissing your feet for providing that level of help and support!

Well you're all restoring my sanity anyway. I've spent months believing that I am selfish, controlling and hearing her swearing at me go around my head whilst I decided what to do!

You have been the opposite of selfish. If anything, you've been so selfless that you tipped over into enabling doormat territory, in the kindest possible way and with the very best and purest of intentions but now you have done what needed to be done by telling SS and been cruel to be kind - and in many ways that's the most selfless act of all.

Now focus on yourself, be a bit selfish and think about what you want and need. You valued yourself enough to say you wouldn't put up being treated that way - build on that self esteem and caring heart.