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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not send OH money

160 replies

Belle1616 · 21/01/2019 23:25

So my OH went away to his home country and missed his flight back. He didn’t check his ticket properly as got a new one issued.

So as not to drip feed, he’s verry irresponsible with money. He earns way more than I do and is always broke. Life is quite tough for us and I have savings that I have stressed are not to be touched unless it’s for moving house( which we desperately need to do as live in 1 room with a 15 month old).

I’m not mean and we had to dip into my savings to cover household stuff at the start of the year but after that it was to be as if I didn’t have any. As I don’t want to fritter it away and then have nothing. And he has history of being lent money and not paying back.

Anyway this evening he informs me I have to send him quite a big some of money to buy a new ticket home. He didn’t get insurance or have any money for emergencies.

I feel mean but am very annoyed and don’t want to send him any money AIBU?

OP posts:
SearchingForSeaGlass · 21/01/2019 23:29

The ticket is a red herring. You need to decide whether you want this to be your life. Counselling may help if he has any respect for you and wants to be a decent father and partner.

Prisonbreak · 21/01/2019 23:29

I wouldn’t send him money either. His mistake. He can fix it and hopefully learn from it.

timetoriseandshine · 21/01/2019 23:30

I'm finding it difficult to answer this one OP. My DP and I are engaged and will be married soon, all money (whoever earns it doesn't matter) is OUR money. Any saving is OUR savings so my DP would have called me to tell me what's happened and tell me what he needs to do with OUR money.
I am aware all couples do things differently but I couldn't imagine holding back money for something that my DP needs, whether he is irresponsible with money or not. I'm sorry but if you plan to be together for the long haul (which I'm assuming you are when you mentioned your DC) then shouldn't you be helping him out. Sorry OP that's my opinion

wigglypiggly · 21/01/2019 23:31

Why do you need to send him money for another ticket. It's his fault he missed the flight, has no savings and didnt take out insurance. Has he actually been issued with a new ticket already.

potatoscone · 21/01/2019 23:31

I would give him the money to get home safely. After that there would be a serious look at the future of our relationship.

ChakiraChakra · 21/01/2019 23:31

What will happen if you don't?

Somewhereovertheroad · 21/01/2019 23:31

Seriously if this was a reverse woman being denied money by a man then the response would be very different.

OP when he gets back you need to seriously discuss finances but if Dh left me stranded in a different country with no money it would be over!!

TheVeryHungryDieter · 21/01/2019 23:32

Let him stay there. You'll be better off and be able to provide a more secure life for your child without him dragging you all down with him, tbh.

Original poster
Belle1616 · 21/01/2019 23:33

No he hasn’t been issued a new ticket yet.

No idea what he would do if I won’t.

If this were a normal situation I understand the joint finances. But I am the only one who saves and he fritters literally thousands of pounds... it’s getting too much...

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 21/01/2019 23:35

Do you believe he actually had a return ticket in the first place?

Original poster
Belle1616 · 21/01/2019 23:35

Personally I would not go anywhere without money for emergencies. I don’t see what gender has got to do with it.

OP posts:
UghFletcher · 21/01/2019 23:36

OP - do you believe this money is for the ticket or do you think he is trying it on in terms of getting some spends?

I don't know many people who miss a flight home...

Original poster
Belle1616 · 21/01/2019 23:37

No I don’t think he is after spending money. He got a new flight just before he went and didn’t throw away the old ticket, one flight was at 11pm and the new one was at 8pm.

OP posts:
Namenic · 21/01/2019 23:38

Say that you will directly buy the 1 way ticket, that way you know it’s not being spent on anything else

jessstan2 · 21/01/2019 23:39

Does he not have family in the other country, who could help him?

He does sound very irresponsible with money and that is something which needs to be addressed - when he comes home. I wouldn't see him stranded but this is quite a serious matter. Unless it is taken in hand now it will not improve.

So consider your options.

timeisnotaline · 21/01/2019 23:40

I’d transfer on the condition that on his next payday he transfer the money plus his last borrowed amount immediately. And sets up a direct debit to his savings account tostart the next month. Zero fucks if he cannot buy a single beer the whole month because he has paid me back. It would be do this or move out that day.

Original poster
Belle1616 · 21/01/2019 23:42

Good idea but that would be at least £1500...he wouldn’t do it anyway he’s owed money for a long time and if it’s me he always finds other bills he has to pay first

OP posts:
Fumnudge · 21/01/2019 23:45

Sell something of his? CEX and similar will buy games, consoles, old watches, phones.

ChakiraChakra · 21/01/2019 23:47

He can probably get a payday loan. Horrendous things that they are, it would be a way for him to get an advance on his next payday quickly and pay for his flight... and it would keep his ticket debt as HIS.

Obviously the money situation in the bigger picture is a thing that needs to be sorted. Watch your credit score, if he has bad credit, you co-habiting or being married will affect yours. It sounds as if what's needed, if you would be willing to do it, is for his salary to be paid into an account only you can access (maybe it's in his name but you have the only card and pin) and he gets an "allowance" weekly. Sounds insane, but I know couples where that works.

omewhereovertheroad

Seriously if this was a reverse woman being denied money by a man then the response would be very different

Woman who earns way more than man but fritters it away, man who is stay at home parent on lower salary, I'm not so sure the responses would be very different...

Opheliasgoldenwine · 21/01/2019 23:49

Sorry but I couldn't leave my DH (or when he was my DP) stranded with no money if I had the money. I think you need to deal with the other issues at a later date but I think it's pretty harsh (if he has no other option eg ask family to help) to leave him.

ChakiraChakra · 21/01/2019 23:49

Good idea but that would be at least £1500...he wouldn’t do it anyway he’s owed money for a long time and if it’s me he always finds other bills he has to pay first

I was on the fence if you should actually send him money until this bit. He can F the F off and F off some more! Shock

Original poster
Belle1616 · 21/01/2019 23:50

He won’t do joint finances or let me look after his money. I have tried that and conversations around it just make him angry.

OP posts:
disneyspendingmoney · 21/01/2019 23:51

Could you buy a ticket for him and have the airline checking desk give it to him. Airlines can be quite giiduje that they make lots if provisions for people who fuck up. All he'd have to do is get himself to the sutoirt, go to the airline check I dexk, hand over done us and collect ticket

you'll find it a lot cheaper that wsy

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/01/2019 23:51

If a woman was spunking her money on crap, expecting her OH to fund her new home and then expecting him to bail her out because she fucked up, no I dont think the answers would be any different.

The fact is that if he was responsible with his money he wouldnt need the OP to send him this money.

Although frankly I am failing to see why the OP is with him at all as it will only get worse as the years go on.

ChakiraChakra · 21/01/2019 23:52

Fine. Then him asking to borrow money for his plane ticket when he has form for not paying YOU, his beloved life partner back asap as top priority makes you angry.

I repeat my earlier point, he can F the F off. He can get a payday loan, problem sorted.