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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not send OH money

160 replies

Belle1616 · 21/01/2019 23:25

So my OH went away to his home country and missed his flight back. He didn’t check his ticket properly as got a new one issued.

So as not to drip feed, he’s verry irresponsible with money. He earns way more than I do and is always broke. Life is quite tough for us and I have savings that I have stressed are not to be touched unless it’s for moving house( which we desperately need to do as live in 1 room with a 15 month old).

I’m not mean and we had to dip into my savings to cover household stuff at the start of the year but after that it was to be as if I didn’t have any. As I don’t want to fritter it away and then have nothing. And he has history of being lent money and not paying back.

Anyway this evening he informs me I have to send him quite a big some of money to buy a new ticket home. He didn’t get insurance or have any money for emergencies.

I feel mean but am very annoyed and don’t want to send him any money AIBU?

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/01/2019 23:52

What do you want to happen? He obviously cant magic the money out of thin air so if you dont send it what exactly is he going to do? Has he got somewhere to stay, access to food and so on. How long will it be before he can get home and what will that mean in terms of his job.

RandomMess · 21/01/2019 23:53

Get him to take out a credit card and do a balance transfer to one of your cards for the amount he needs to borrow?

Sorry I couldn't stay in a relationship with someone so reckless and entitled.

Opheliasgoldenwine · 21/01/2019 23:54

Tbh I don't think a payday loan is 'problem sorted' really but each to their own..

Butterymuffin · 21/01/2019 23:54

He's financially abusing you already OP. Don't make it worse and send him this money too. You won't get it back. Tell him you can't get to it, your bank's website is down or there's some problem with the account. And think about why you want to stay in this relationship.

disneyspendingmoney · 21/01/2019 23:55

it's late in the evening and I'm being illiterate

Could you buy a ticket for him and have the airline checkin desk give it to him. Airlines can be quite good in that respect that they make lots of provisions for people who fuck up. All he'd have to do is get himself to the airport, go to the airline checkin desk, hand over ID and collect ticket

you'll find it a lot cheaper that wsy

Inertia · 21/01/2019 23:55

If he’s in his home country does he have family members who could lend him the ticket money?

Doesn’t sound brilliant as a long term prospect TBH- sounds like what’s yours is his, what’s his I say his own...

twattymctwatterson · 21/01/2019 23:56

Leave him there and dump. You'll have had a lucky escape

Iflyaway · 21/01/2019 23:57

"He earns more than I do but is always broke"...

Tells you all you need to know.

He sounds intelligent. Why did he miss his flight?

You are flogging a dead horse here. Sorry.

(Been there, done that).

Better to put that money aside for a rainy day.

TwoGinScentedTears · 21/01/2019 23:57

In principle no, I wouldn't give him the money.

In a real life situation, I absolutely would-because I would want him to do the same in a heartbeat if I needed his help. And because I love him...

frazzledasarock · 21/01/2019 23:59

He’s in his home country. Surely he has friends and family there to lend him money?

I’d not lend him anything. As you won’t see it back.

I’d also reconsider the relationship and LTB.

Careless with finances, fritters thousands away, constantly borrows off you and doesn’t repay you yet earns several times your salary. I would not be so daft as to join finances with him ever.

Original poster
Belle1616 · 22/01/2019 00:00

His mum got him the flight out, so I’m going to suggest she help get him home. Obviously he has somewhere to stay etc as he’s with family.

And you are right about the what mine is his and what’s his is his mentality.

I know there are other issues here, but as I’m sure you may understand I was holding out hope as we have a child together things could work.

I’m also not a mean person, this whole thing makes me feel very bad. But at the same time, there comes the straw that breaks the camels back.

OP posts:
ChakiraChakra · 22/01/2019 00:02

@Opheliasgoldenwine

Tbh I don't think a payday loan is 'problem sorted' really but each to their own..

Oh absolutely not, and I'd never normally recommend then to anybody but it is quickly accessible money and keeps the debt in HIS name and HIS responsibility so that OP isn't £££ down that she won't see again. Obviously it doesn't begin to address the underlying issues here but it does mean OP isn't throwing good money after bad.

altiara · 22/01/2019 00:04

No, I wouldn’t help. Other people who’ve said they would help in my opinion are talking about a ‘proper’ partner. Your OH sounds like he takes and doesn’t give back and is not a true partner. I’d say no, money’s not available.

Drogosnextwife · 22/01/2019 00:04

I am aware all couples do things differently but I couldn't imagine holding back money for something that my DP needs, whether he is irresponsible with money or not.

Sounds like you've never had to live with someone who is irresponsible with money. Lucky you.

delboysskinandblister · 22/01/2019 00:04

whichever is the cheaper long term solution for you OP.......

he doesn't want you to manage his money...until he does because he's missed his flight so you are effectively managing his finances. Is he Bi-Polar?

ChakiraChakra · 22/01/2019 00:08

I know there are other issues here, but as I’m sure you may understand I was holding out hope as we have a child together things could work.

I hear you. I'm sorry, this is sucky. Flowers

I’m also not a mean person, this whole thing makes me feel very bad. But at the same time, there comes the straw that breaks the camels back.

But there's a difference in not being a mean person, and being somebody who can look after money. You're both of those things, which is why you know it's a bad idea to send him this flight money. Don't confuse you being good and sensible with money with you being mean with it - those two things are not the same. X

Original poster
Belle1616 · 22/01/2019 00:08

No idea

OP posts:
vuripadexo · 22/01/2019 00:08

He's using you. Making a fool of you really.

Does he have a visa or is he with his other family at home?

Original poster
Belle1616 · 22/01/2019 00:09

He’s got a uk passport

OP posts:
delboysskinandblister · 22/01/2019 00:10

I think you know in your gut what to do.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 22/01/2019 00:13

Doesn't he have a credit card to buy the ticket? I always travel with a card for emergencies.

He does sound hopeless with money, OP, and I think your idea to ask his Mum to buy the ticket is the most prudent.

When he gets back, you must sit down and discuss finances. Even if he doesn't want you to "control" his money, you need to know about all his debts and perhaps set up a joint account to cover household bills (both put a certain amount in each month).

good luck, I hope you work things out.

Iflyaway · 22/01/2019 00:14

You are living in 1 room with a 15-month old?!

Girl! Get your priorities in order!

This man does not love you.

The fuck expecting you to bail him out while he should be doing everything "with his more money than you" to give his child and her mother the best life!

I bet there's another woman in all of this bullshit story....

I am a LP also of a father from far away. Did it all myself.. You can too.

Hope I'm wrong. Just don't send any money you will need. Better to open a savings account for you and your child.

Your future self will be so grateful!!

Original poster
Belle1616 · 22/01/2019 00:18

I know I’m an idiot. I just hate being mean and like to
Keep the peace. Just wish I’d store up for myself more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Belle1616 · 22/01/2019 00:18

Stood even.

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 22/01/2019 00:24

I would let his mum bail him out. He will pay her back before he pays any debt to you.