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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not send OH money

160 replies

Belle1616 · 21/01/2019 23:25

So my OH went away to his home country and missed his flight back. He didn’t check his ticket properly as got a new one issued.

So as not to drip feed, he’s verry irresponsible with money. He earns way more than I do and is always broke. Life is quite tough for us and I have savings that I have stressed are not to be touched unless it’s for moving house( which we desperately need to do as live in 1 room with a 15 month old).

I’m not mean and we had to dip into my savings to cover household stuff at the start of the year but after that it was to be as if I didn’t have any. As I don’t want to fritter it away and then have nothing. And he has history of being lent money and not paying back.

Anyway this evening he informs me I have to send him quite a big some of money to buy a new ticket home. He didn’t get insurance or have any money for emergencies.

I feel mean but am very annoyed and don’t want to send him any money AIBU?

OP posts:

RamblinRosie · 22/01/2019 00:46

£1500 sounds a lot for a single flight from anywhere, does he expect to fly business?

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 22/01/2019 00:55

Where exactly is he? £1500 for a one way ticket sounds fishy. I can't think anywhere that would cost that amount unless he is treating himself to business class.

timeisnotaline · 22/01/2019 01:00

Good idea but that would be at least £1500...he wouldn’t do it anyway he’s owed money for a long time and if it’s me he always finds other bills he has to pay first

Ive changed my mind. Leave him there. His mum can bail him out. Neither you nor your child are a priority. He’s only looking after him and someone needs to look after you and your child. Make that someone you.

FevertreeLight · 22/01/2019 01:00

If it is long haul then a return ticket is much cheaper than a 1 way. You don't have to us ether return part.

Foe example I looked at san francisco last week- one way was almost £2k and return less than £500.

Purplecatshopaholic · 22/01/2019 01:05

It is of course up to you. I spent years dealing with issues like this with my Ex, I dont know how many situations I bailed him out of and I am to some extent still paying for it (literally). Dont be me - It is up to you whether you deal with it now or later, but I would suggest now, he wont change...

InSightMars · 22/01/2019 01:07

What did he go to his home country for? To visit family? Can they not help him get a ticket home? If you do have to pay for his return flight, I’d definitely do as suggested and buy the ticket yourself directly through the airline and I’d pick the cheapest flight and seat they have.

Graphista · 22/01/2019 01:12

I'd leave him there! He's a selfish dick who doesn't give a toss about you or his child!

No decent man would be frittering money away while his child lives in unsuitable accommodation!

You don't even know where the money's going! It could be gambling, drugs, another woman even a whole other family!

Get rid you'll be better off (literally!)

Original poster

Belle1616 · 22/01/2019 06:34

Yes I guess I’ll see exactly how much he requests and go from there, is trying to get things sorted today.

But others are right it’s not the only issue in our relationship.

OP posts:

Charlie97 · 22/01/2019 06:39

Does he work? I'm presuming he does, so he must get back for work?

Just how will he get back?

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 22/01/2019 06:39

Don't give him the money, op. He doesn't allow you to access his finances, time for him stop accessing yours. I really think you need to leave him. Life is too short.

Ladyoftheloch · 22/01/2019 06:45

No, I don’t think you can leave him stranded in another country. He can hardly magic up money if he doesn’t have any.

Once he’s home, have a serious discussion about this and put in place a plan to prevent it happening again.

gambaspilpil · 22/01/2019 07:00

My ex was like your OH. Would fritter away money and leave me to deal with his mess. We had a baby too. It was very stressful and he always ended up having debts and couldn’t help with the bills at home and I had to give him money. When we split up it was me left with debt as he finally couldn’t get any more credit and I was worn down having to deal with the emotional abuse that got attached to money. Your OH is totally irresponsible and once you start dipping into your savings I can guarantee it will continue and you won’t see your money. He can call his bank and ask for an overdraft to pay for his flight... not difficult if he is employed and has regular money coming in and you need to have a real think about what you want your future to look like

CantWaitToRetire · 22/01/2019 07:04

I think you need to start putting yourself first OP but more importantly you need to put your DD in first place. This man is earning way more than you but is always broke. Why? What is he spending all his money on ? With a child to support he should be saving his money to try and get better living accommodation for you all. He obviously prioritises himself over all others which tells me he doesn't care enough. If I was you if be weighing everything up and deciding what I want out of life. He may be the father of your child but that doesn't mean you have to have him in your everyday life if he isn't respecting you and helping provide for his family.

Ethel36 · 22/01/2019 07:16

I would send him the money to get him home safely. You want him to come home right? Then when he's home sit down with him and talk to him about his style of managing money.

NotANotMan · 22/01/2019 07:18

He will destroy you if you let him. You're living in one room? Why?

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 22/01/2019 07:24

Let his family bail him out. I don’t know whereabouts you live but £1500 is at the very least a significant chunk of money to pay a deposit and fees on a rental place which sounds like you need as you’re living in 1 room with a baby.

I have been financially abused in the past. You get nowhere with these men by sitting them down and talking to them about their terrible attitude to money. They won’t change they never ever do. You have a child with him and it’s made no difference. If you buy that ticket for him he will never pay you back as you’ve said yourself. Let him owe money to someone else: family, friends, payday loan company.

swingofthings · 22/01/2019 07:26

I agree with the poster who said there'd be outroar if roles were reversed. You are married FGS. So hr made an error, yes, it's was a stupid thing to do but are you saying that you are exempt from ever making a stupid mistake due to attention? Mistakes like this happen. It did to me 20 years ago when visiting friends to the USA, was certain I was due to flying back on a Sunday evening, when I looked at the ticket in the morning, I realised I was supposed to have been on the plane the previous night. I was mortified but it wasn't the end of the world.

Also, why do you consider the savings yours only? Does it only come from your earned money?

If it happened to me and my husband refused to send me money, this would definitely be the end of our marriage. If it was ne though, I would do everything to replace the savings afterwards.

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 22/01/2019 07:26

"Sorry I don't have any spare money I can lend you. Hopefully your family can help."

Maryjoyce · 22/01/2019 07:27

Tell him buy a return ticket it will be much cheaper when he can afford it and don’t send him money

gambaspilpil · 22/01/2019 07:29

Unfortunately unless you have dealt with someone like this advice like just give him the money and let’s speak when you get home doesn’t work I am afraid. It opens the door to this man just expecting it, he won’t care about the OP as he has a history given he doesn’t take his responsibilities seriously and happily leaves the OP paying the bills out of her savings as he has spent all of his money. His mum paid for his flight there and I do wonder if he even booked a flight back and he is simply lying to you. My ex did a lot of lying too.... keep your savings it’s time for him to grow up and he can speak to his mum and ask for help then he can pay her back and not leave you out of pocket. This would be the final straw for me.... it was like a weight off my shoulders when I left my ex and got my life back on track, I have ended up with a man who sees his role as a father as important and works hard to support his family

Weenurse · 22/01/2019 07:29

What of his can you sell to raise the money?

Parky04 · 22/01/2019 07:31

This relationship is over. If you truly loved him you would give him the money without question. You would not be on a forum asking the question. FWIW, I couldn't be with someone who was so reckless with money.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/01/2019 07:37

YANBU
His mother helped him out there. You weren’t consulted on this. She can help him get back.

If you got rid of him you probably would find you suddenly had a lot more room in your one room!

BunsOfAnarchy · 22/01/2019 07:37

1500 for a single one way?!
Look for a ticket online and find the real price.
And tell him to fuck the fuck off.

Yulebealrite · 22/01/2019 07:38

I think you need to accept the relationship is now over. Now what works best for you?

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