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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not send OH money

160 replies

Belle1616 · 21/01/2019 23:25

So my OH went away to his home country and missed his flight back. He didn’t check his ticket properly as got a new one issued.

So as not to drip feed, he’s verry irresponsible with money. He earns way more than I do and is always broke. Life is quite tough for us and I have savings that I have stressed are not to be touched unless it’s for moving house( which we desperately need to do as live in 1 room with a 15 month old).

I’m not mean and we had to dip into my savings to cover household stuff at the start of the year but after that it was to be as if I didn’t have any. As I don’t want to fritter it away and then have nothing. And he has history of being lent money and not paying back.

Anyway this evening he informs me I have to send him quite a big some of money to buy a new ticket home. He didn’t get insurance or have any money for emergencies.

I feel mean but am very annoyed and don’t want to send him any money AIBU?

OP posts:
PhilomenaButterfly · 22/01/2019 08:18

YANBU. He needs to grow up.

ShatnersWig · 22/01/2019 08:19

How many times do you need to have threads about your OH being shit with money or just being an arsehole (and an unpleasant useless), frankly, and hearing the same responses, ie "all money is joint money" or "why are with someone who is so financially useless"?

Here's just two:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3339777-Money-mine-his-or-ours-aibu

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3327765-Things-said-in-anger

Oh, and this is also the man you told us "insisted" you stopped breast feeding when your child was one year old.

Seriously? Asking yet again, why the hell are you still with this total waste of space?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 22/01/2019 08:19

What’s he spend his money on?

Gazelda · 22/01/2019 08:19

So how much is the ticket?
If he doesn't get back, will he lose salary or his job?
Whatever the case, I'd bin him if it were me.

Waveysnail · 22/01/2019 08:20

I was you. I discovered mine was in debt. I don't like ultimatums but I told him either he transfers most if his wages into my account each month so I can sort out the debt mess and manage money or he leaves as I couldn't live being so resentful to him.

He agreed and it's been years. He still transfers everything but his spending money to me. I sort bills (complete transparency) and put money into savings account in his name and one my name so we both have same savings.

Could his parents bail him out?

Whocansay · 22/01/2019 08:22

Stop enabling him. He isn't destitute, he's with his family. He can go cap in hand to them.

Just tell him you don't have it. He is irresponsible and selfish. Why should you and your child go without for this twat?

sheldonstwin · 22/01/2019 08:24

Another one here who was financially abused for years, and I am another one saying you should seriously consider whether you want to stay with him.

He won't stop being on your case until he has bled you dry. He wants every last penny from you, OP.

Ghanagirl · 22/01/2019 08:24

@timetoriseandshine
Did you read the part where OP said her DP earns considerably more?

Onandonandons · 22/01/2019 08:25

I feel really sad for you op. From what you've said, he's a good earner, but you're using hour savings for every day costs, you're living in unsuitable accommodation and he's refusing to discuss money.

This is really bad and you are your child deserve better. So either he changes his ways eg starts a savings account that you have access to, magazines financial plans together with you, or you leave him.

Fraying · 22/01/2019 08:28

Put your savings into a fixed term account that you can't access. Then, you can honestly tell him that you don't have money to help him. It sounds as though he's deliberately trying to spend your savings which will limit your options and leave you feeling even more trapped in the relationship.
Don't feel bad. He should feel bad for treating you like this. Flowers

Ellie56 · 22/01/2019 08:30

You don't "have to send him a big some of money" to get back home. He can get an overdraft, ask for an advance on his wages, borrow from his mum, who will probably get the money back.

It is not being mean refusing to pay out money you know you won't get back. As PP said, say you can't afford it as he still hasn't paid you back from last time. So what if he gets angry? Think of that money belonging to your child and stand firm.

Judging from your previous threads, this is an ongoing saga which is not getting any better. Use your savings to get out and provide a decent life for your child without this waste of space bleeding you dry. He doesn't love you, he only loves your money.

Fiddie · 22/01/2019 08:33

Don't send him it, then he can't come back.

I'd be delighted with that outcome if I were you, he sounds like a clown.

Quartz2208 · 22/01/2019 08:35

he sounds awful OP what do you get out of this relationship

Sparkletastic · 22/01/2019 08:35

He needs to borrow it from his family. He's more likely to pay them back.

Doesn't sound like he's the one for you in the long term OP.

Holidayshopping · 22/01/2019 08:36

He’s using your savings as his own personal ATM!

When it’s gone, you’ll have no safety net and he will still be earning more than you each month.

Is he a twat about other things as well?

ReflectentMonatomism · 22/01/2019 08:39

You don't have to us ether return part.

As a slight aside, if you turn up at checkin with a return half where the outbound leg hasn’t been used, you will almost certainly be refused checkin. The tickets where this is not true are also not cheap (you can usually fly out of sequence on a refundable endorseable rebookable ticket, but don’t rely on it).

Saracen · 22/01/2019 08:39

Given that he has somewhere safe to stay and people who will feed him, I'd stall. Let him and you have time to really think about the situation, how you got here, what you're going to do in future.

Tell him it's a lot of money, you can't see where you can get that money from because obviously you aren't touching your savings, you can see this getting to be a pattern, and that you don't know what to do. This wasn't a one-off.

Don't talk to him on the phone. Only answer his texts occasionally, maybe a couple of times a day. Tell him you love him but you can't carry on like this, and how does he plan to prevent this problem in future?

Maybe you can find him a cheaper return flight if he returns in a few weeks' time, even if that means missing work? There need to be consequences for this mistake.

My dh is something of a spendthrift. He agrees that it makes sense for me to control the family finances, with him having access only to some spending money every month. If your dp recognises the seriousness of his problem, this might be an option for your family. Some people might say this is treating him as a child, but I think it's just recognising that we each have strengths and weaknesses. There are other things I leave him to sort out.

Bunbunbunny · 22/01/2019 08:42

Tell him you spent all your savings covering his training course and good luck with getting home

WitchDancer · 22/01/2019 08:48

Given that he's with family I wouldn't lend him the money as it's unlikely you'll get it back.

I too think that maybe this relationship needs rethinking - he either stops this financial farce or goes

MumW · 22/01/2019 08:49

He won’t do joint finances or let me look after his money. I have tried that and conversations around it just make him angry
Is this how you want the rest of your life to be?

He's irresponsible with money and relies on you to save despite him earning more. You've become his bank safety net whilst he behaves like a single, non parent teenager.

For me, he either reliquishes conrtol of the finaces to you (the responsibe one) or you seriously need to consider going it alone with child maintenance via csa.
I'd also want to make a list of everytime/amount you've bailed him out.

I really can't see how you'd be any worse off single - you might have money worries but at least you'd be in control and wouldn't suddenly be faced with unplanned £1500 flight costs.

At the moment, he is walking all over you, he doesn't seem committed to your joint relationship/responsibilities. I'd put money on him dumping you the minute he stops getting financial support from you.

It's time he grew up and now seems a good time to time test him out. Tell him that you're not sorry but you've moved your savings to a higher interest account so they are tied up and inaccessible for a year and see what happens.

tasyuta · 22/01/2019 08:51

Doesn't he have a credit or debit card? If he left it at home, you can pay with that card!
I am married 3rd time now and we have joint finances, in previous 2 marriages they were separate, so I can compare and say that having them separate doesn't feel right. It indicates lack of trust. If he is that much against having joint finances with you - why should you help him financially? He lay his bed - let him lie in it.
As for missing a flight - it does happen even to most responsible people. Happened to me last year.
You are not being unreasonable. Your response to his unreasonable attitude to money is adequate.

needsleepzzz · 22/01/2019 08:52

Please don't send him the money OP, he needs to learn and start being an adult. Keep all your money separate from him

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/01/2019 08:57

I wouldn't lend him the money, no. Because for starters he doesn't think he'd need to pay it back, so it wouldn't be a loan, would it.
Also, he needs to experience the consequences of his feckless irresponsibility - bailing him out won't do that.
I'm pretty sure he must have access to a credit card - not necessarily, if he's SO shit with money, but the most amazingly shitwithmoney people DO manage it so... and if he has a credit card then he can buy his own ticket with that, can't he.

Do NOT do it.

And I honestly wouldn't bother buying a bigger house with him, he sounds like an utter liability. Buy one for yourself and move into it with the toddler.

MumW · 22/01/2019 08:58

Ok, ticket not £1500 but my point still stands.
If he is earning that much more than you, he really should have saved for the training course. I can't believe you gave it to him, to be honest. Time to take off the kid gloves.
Let him deal with the consequences of his own stupidity - he'll never learn otherwise.

JustThePerson · 22/01/2019 09:00

Hm, it’s realky annoying but I couldn’t leave him in another country with no money to get back. Normally I would say that if you’re in a committed relationship with a child then my money, your money doesn’t exist, but this sounds like an extreme case.

I know you don’t have joint finances but how do you pay your bills? A joint account that you transfer into? Sorry if I’ve missed a bit where you’ve mentioned this. Could you not say you’ll give him this amount but then will put the same amount less into the joint account this month to recoup your money? Then he will have to cover that, hence ensuring it is just a loan. Just an idea.

I feel for you because my DH can be rubbish with money sometimes, although not to this extent.

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