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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not send OH money

160 replies

Belle1616 · 21/01/2019 23:25

So my OH went away to his home country and missed his flight back. He didn’t check his ticket properly as got a new one issued.

So as not to drip feed, he’s verry irresponsible with money. He earns way more than I do and is always broke. Life is quite tough for us and I have savings that I have stressed are not to be touched unless it’s for moving house( which we desperately need to do as live in 1 room with a 15 month old).

I’m not mean and we had to dip into my savings to cover household stuff at the start of the year but after that it was to be as if I didn’t have any. As I don’t want to fritter it away and then have nothing. And he has history of being lent money and not paying back.

Anyway this evening he informs me I have to send him quite a big some of money to buy a new ticket home. He didn’t get insurance or have any money for emergencies.

I feel mean but am very annoyed and don’t want to send him any money AIBU?

OP posts:
diddl · 22/01/2019 09:01

" He didn’t check his ticket properly as got a new one issued."

I don't even know where to start with such stupidity.

He'll have to borrow from his family, won't he?

Can you afford to kick him out?

PickAChew · 22/01/2019 09:07

Keep your savings as your escape fund. Do not tie yourself into marriage or paying for a bigger house with this waste of space. He either needs to grow the fuck up or stop taking the piss.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/01/2019 09:11

I have a friend whose stbexDH was absolutely crap with money - he has impulse control disorder and possible BPD - they ended up having to move back into her parents' home, and she had to take control of the debts they (he) had run up, which amounted to over £60k. That was 9 years ago - another year and she should have got them clear, but in the meantime they have split up, for other reasons than just that, but it played a big part in the stresses that led to the split.

One other thing that worries me slightly for you is that he knows you have that money, and is looking upon it as his own cushion - I don't think he will stop trying to get it off you until it has all gone.

CheesyWeez · 22/01/2019 09:16

Maybe a little off-topic but... if he missed a flight, even if it is a non-refundable ticket, he can still claim the airport tax back. If he did't fly then the airline didn't pay the tax for him to land. I have claimed this back when I couldn't fly and hadn't taken insurance. Also if he bought it with a credit or debit card it would be worth asking the bank or card company what he can claim.

I would be wondering why he missed the flight, does he prefer staying with his family? And why didn't he get the company to let him on the 11pm flight when he turned up late for the 8pm?

OP you can tell him that you've lost confidence in the relationship and you don't believe he wants you the best for you. He didn't try very hard to get back to you and doesn't want for you to live in a decent place.
If he says you're not committed because you won't give him your savings, you can say that he is not committed as he wastes the money when he should be wanting a nice place to live for you and your child.

I agree with others put your savings in a safe account that only you know about.

ChrisjenAvasarala · 22/01/2019 09:22

Where is his money going? Is it being spent in your child? Who pays for all the child’s things, and as the child grows up who will be paying for clubs, activities, music lessons, foreign language classes (or any other clubs you choose for them), school uniforms, school trips, school dinners, birthday parties, gifts for their friends birthday parties, days out..... it goes on and on. Who pays for that? Do you have a joint account where you deposit X amount each month to be used for bills and expenses, then the rest is your own. Or is it all separate and you fight over who pays for things?

It’s only going to get worse. And your child is going to grow up watching so much dysfunction over money... they will have issues with that when older.

You just need to leave. Sometimes it’s really worth fighting for a relationship to work, but you won’t win this one and it’s really not worth it. Not when he is so fundamentally selfish and irresponsible. He gets angry when you even try to talk about it... he knows it’s wrong. He either has thousands saved up and doesn’t want you to know about it, and wants your money too. Or he has nothing and nothing to show for it. Neither of those options are good. Cut your loses.

Kewcumber · 22/01/2019 09:27

If you don't look after the financial security of your child then you can be damn sure your partner won't.

If you don;t have joint accounts then he shouldn;t know how much you've got in savings. Move what you have to a new account he doesn't know about.

Then say "No"

"No, I will not bail you out this time. I offered to take over the financial rsponsibilities, you declined, this is what it means. You sort it out yourself like an adult".

Sadly I think you will give him the money and your child will rank behind him.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 22/01/2019 09:28

Why did he change his flight time anyway?

Kewcumber · 22/01/2019 09:28

And I agree that he will use up all your money then move on to someone else. Be smart, take control of this.

Kewcumber · 22/01/2019 09:35

He's a nasty spendthift who is treating you like a cash cow. What's not to love? Hmm

WatchingFromTheWings · 22/01/2019 09:36

I have been financially abused in the past. You get nowhere with these men by sitting them down and talking to them about their terrible attitude to money. They won’t change they never ever do.

100% agree with this. I too was financially abused for years. You can talk till you're blue in the face. They will agree, apologise etc....then get better at hiding things. You think things are getting better than years later discover £50k of debt. If you keep bailing them out, they'll keep asking for more. I'd leave him where he is!

SilverBirchTree · 22/01/2019 09:39

What is he frittering his money on? Is any of it spent on the family?

ohfourfoxache · 22/01/2019 09:40

Leave him where he is. And use the time he is stranded out of the country to get your ducks in a row.

www.entitledto.co.uk

Yabbers · 22/01/2019 09:40

I'm not so sure the responses would be very different...

Of course they wouldn't be. But there's a current trend on MN to derail any debate, trawling for a pretend double standard.

OP it all comes down to whether you want to help him get home or not. Forget what he's done previously, that's something you need to address in a later discussion. I don't think this is the time to be making a point.

Drum2018 · 22/01/2019 09:46

Can you book a cheaper ticket home for him and email him the details. That way he doesn't get hold of any money. Going forward I'd be insisting he sets up a standing order on payday to a joint savings account, where both of you have to sign to withdraw. If he's unwilling to commit to that then have a good think about where your relationship is going. Why should you be th only one saving for a bigger place to live?

aintnothinbutagstring · 22/01/2019 09:49

You're seeing things as all accidental, he's 'bad with money', how do you know? Is there evidence of him frittering away money or would he just rather spend your money than his? Check his paperwork while he's gone, bank account statements. He may have more money saved than you. And why does he want to delay house buying, is it because he doesn't want to be tied to you, does he see a future with you and his child?

NettleTea · 22/01/2019 09:50

are you with my ex husband??
dont send him the money. let him learn by consequences
He will probably get angry and threaten to leave, but while you have cash in the bank he probably wont - that will just be to get you back in line.
As a previous poster says, these men dont like you to have a sum of money that they dont, and will do whatever to get it from you. then you are stuck, especially if you have a child.
After my ex ran up over £12K of debt I was made redundant. He wanted me to use my money to pay his debts. I didnt but somehow manged to be persuaded to use it to set him up in business. I guess, as pregnant and then with a small baby, I wanted to try to get him to do something as he walked out of about a million jobs.
the next woman he didnt leave until he had gone through all the proceeds from selling her house.
I dont know where he is now, but probably looking for another woman to supplement his lifestyle

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/01/2019 10:08

He won’t do joint finances or let me look after his money yet he expects you to bail him out when he's messed up?

F that. Time for a serious chat about how to manage going forwards.

Gin96 · 22/01/2019 10:10

Do you think he may have someone else in his home country? I would be very suspicious of someone who didn’t let you know where their money is going. Someone I trust of course I would send the money, we all make mistakes, i hope my husband would help me out if i got stuck and visa versa but all our money is shared, there isn’t any hiding places

tiggerkid · 22/01/2019 10:26

If you didn't send him any money, what's his plan? Most likely to borrow money from others (friends, relatives etc). If that's the case, leave him to it! At least when it comes to payback, you won't have to deal with it.

And this clearly does need a serious conversation on his return. Sounds like there will be one anyway as he is likely to be very hacked off when he comes back, so you won't have any excuses to hold back!

Ringdonna · 22/01/2019 10:37

Sorry, but you are financially abusing him. This place would be in uproar if the sexes were reversed.

ShatnersWig · 22/01/2019 10:38

@Ringdonna I take it you've looked at the previous threads from this poster about this man I posted on the previous page? Then come back and say who is the abuser in this relationship.

watt36 · 22/01/2019 10:44

Laughing at 'financially abusing' him. Spends all his money, won't save, won't combine, but also wants access to spend OP's money. Good one.

I'd leave him, your life will be nothing but difficult with him.

ChakiraChakra · 22/01/2019 10:45

@Ringdonna I said it on page 1 and I'll say it again,

Woman who earns way more than man but fritters it away, man who is stay at home parent on lower salary, I'm not so sure the responses would be very different...

TheABC · 22/01/2019 10:54

Leave him. It's not going to get any better.

HeebieJeebies456 · 22/01/2019 10:57

She's financially abusing him?! Grin
Yea right!

He earns £1000 pm more than her, doesn't fully contribute towards shared costs, spends it all on his own wants, doesn't save, refuses to share his finances/info with her, yet expects OP to use her own money to continually bail him out - which she has been doing until now....how do you read that as her abusing him? Hmm

OP, i hope you have a shared account for bills that he transfers his share to?
He can use the overdraft facility on his own personal account to cover the ticket if his family won't help him out.
This continual leeching needs to stop....and this is a good an opportunity as any for him to learn to be responsible for himself.

Just because you have a dc doesn't mean you need to further tie yourself financially to him, i'd be rethinking that house move.
He's got absolutely no respect for you whatsoever and no shame.
How can he claim to love you when his actions prove otherwise?
You can't trust him, rely or depend on him when it comes to creating a secure and stable future for your dc - or you.
He doesn't want to be an actual partnership.

I think you'd be better off without him.
Your life partner is meant to enhance your life not drain all your energy and resources.

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