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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not send OH money

160 replies

Belle1616 · 21/01/2019 23:25

So my OH went away to his home country and missed his flight back. He didn’t check his ticket properly as got a new one issued.

So as not to drip feed, he’s verry irresponsible with money. He earns way more than I do and is always broke. Life is quite tough for us and I have savings that I have stressed are not to be touched unless it’s for moving house( which we desperately need to do as live in 1 room with a 15 month old).

I’m not mean and we had to dip into my savings to cover household stuff at the start of the year but after that it was to be as if I didn’t have any. As I don’t want to fritter it away and then have nothing. And he has history of being lent money and not paying back.

Anyway this evening he informs me I have to send him quite a big some of money to buy a new ticket home. He didn’t get insurance or have any money for emergencies.

I feel mean but am very annoyed and don’t want to send him any money AIBU?

OP posts:
aintnothinbutagstring · 22/01/2019 07:41

£1500 seems a lot for one way in January, find the real price, give him it, then you need to detach and move on. How do you know he's 'frittering' away money? This could have been his plan all along.

Original poster
Belle1616 · 22/01/2019 07:42

I consider savings mine only because I had them before we were together, and to get them I scrimped every penny. I had 3 jobs at one point to get myself a nice cushion so I would never be in a bad position. When we met he had some savings but they have gone, and mine have been depleted by more than a few thousand. He earns over £1000 a month more than I do! And it goes. When I found out I was pg I saved a bit more for maternity leave and for getting us a proper house. Which surely should be a priority but when I talk about moving he always says to wait.

I do love him, but when you are with someone who is always so unreliable it makes things difficult hence why I am so torn.

OP posts:
Original poster
Belle1616 · 22/01/2019 07:43

People are misreading the message. It’s not £1500 for a ticket. That is the last amount he borrowed from me to pay for some training.

OP posts:
sar302 · 22/01/2019 07:44

Work with his family to get him back into the country safely, and then kick him out. He won't change.

ChipsAreLife · 22/01/2019 07:46

I wouldn't pay. He's an adult who earns more than you, he should be sorting it himself. I'm a woman and the higher earner if that happened to me I would never expect DH to bail me out so I don't think it is different because he's a man.

PlumpSyrianHamster · 22/01/2019 07:47

WTF? NO. He gets himself back. Dump.

donajimena · 22/01/2019 07:49

Don't let the fact that you have a baby keep you in a shitty relationship. I've two children and their dad was awful so we split. Its been hard but my life has been better without his nonsense.

PattiStanger · 22/01/2019 07:50

I don't think one partner who scrimps and saves on a smaller salary to have a money cushion should be expected to bail out the other who earns plenty but fritters it away, I'm very surprised that some are suggested a women in what is obviously not a good relationship should give up her financial security, really surprised.

NotANotMan · 22/01/2019 07:54

You are married FGS. So hr made an error, yes, it's was a stupid thing to do but are you saying that you are exempt from ever making a stupid mistake due to attention? Mistakes like this happen

You have no idea what it's like living with a partner who squanders money and constantly fucks up and expects to be bailed out. I have done - the only way I could survive financially and mentally was to completely separate from him and refuse to lend him more than a tenner ever again.

TowelNumber42 · 22/01/2019 07:55

Right so he hasn't paid back the last loan of £1500 and he's asking for more despite earning £1000 a month more than you. I assume he knows how much you have in savings? Clearly he sees it as his money to burn through.

He has many many options for getting a ticket home without you paying for it. Do not pay for it. Do not make it your problem to solve either.

"I can't afford your ticket. I am still £1500 down from the training loan you haven't repaid yet."

Holidayshopping · 22/01/2019 07:59

I presume if you pay it, you will never see that money again?

How else is he planning to get the money to get home? When is he planning to fly?

Dragongirl10 · 22/01/2019 07:59

Sorry op l wouldn't pay for him, you have a child to take care of and no suitable housing...he is not stepping up so you have to, your childs security trumps giving him money to throw away.

There is no good outcome to this relationship l am sorry to say.

PeaQiwiComHequo · 22/01/2019 08:02

He won’t do joint finances or let me look after his money. I have tried that and conversations around it just make him angry.

This is the last straw. do not continue your relationship with this man. he is not a good partner and will be a terrible father to your child. he does not care about either you or your child, as he would rather you both suffered than stop frittering money away. use this time while he is away to get things organised to split.

JenniferJareau · 22/01/2019 08:03

Surely he has a credit card to put the ticket on? Can't be silly enough to travel without access to funds.

81Byerley · 22/01/2019 08:03

Having been in a similar relationship where I gave my ex thousands over the years, I'd say don't do it. You're not his bank. What would he do if you didn't have savings? Tell him to borrow from his family...and seriously consider leaving him.

Postino · 22/01/2019 08:06

This is madness! The man is clearly a selfish arse who doesn't care about screwing you and his child over. Put yourself and your dd first OP - end it while you've still got a few pennies to your name Flowers

cakecakecheese · 22/01/2019 08:06

Don't send him the money, instead say that you'll book the ticket for him.

When he returns I would suggest he either agrees to letting you take control of his finances until he can be trusted again or he leaves. You can't carry on like this he will sqaunder all your hard earned savings.

OneStepMoreFun · 22/01/2019 08:07

He's using you. That's clear, I hope. Just dipping into your hard-earned savings because he couldn;t get out of bed on time. That shows you how very low a priority you are. No respect for you at all.
Don't give him the money.He's a big boy and he can earn some himself and come home and apologise. Don't tolerate anger or manipulative self-pity either.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 22/01/2019 08:07

He gets angry when you talk about finances - so you try to 'keep the peace', in other words, he knows he only has to get angry to shut you down, and continue his selfish life on his his terms, while bleeding you dry. Nice man.

PregnantSea · 22/01/2019 08:10

If you see a future with him and are prepared to have these sorts of problems for the rest of your life then send him the money. And maybe you can work on these problems in the future.

If you've had enough and are thinking of leaving because of his irresponsible behaviour then don't send him the money.

If he's your partner then you are a team, mistakes and all.

Drogosnextwife · 22/01/2019 08:10

Also, why do you consider the savings yours only? Does it only come from your earned money?

Yes, please do rtft. Also people who have no idea what it's like to worry about money because your partner is reckless with it, and will go behind your back and waste every penny they have and not really give a shit because they have you to fix everything for them, should stop commenting.

OP he sounds like a user, he is controlling what you spend your money on but he can do whatever he likes, he won't let you move out of what I'm presuming is a 1 bed flat? If you are literally living in 1 room, you really need to question wtf is going on in his head that he would have you all living like that. Do you share money for bills and shopping? What about things for your DD?

Blondebakingmumma · 22/01/2019 08:10

He’s not stranded in a foreign country. He is with his family. I would not loan him the money. I think it’s time to start planning a more secure future for you and your child without him x

fiydwi · 22/01/2019 08:12

Leave him there. I would. I couldn’t be with someone so irresponsible.
I had an ex who was like this. It didn’t last long.
Run a mile and don’t look back x

SaturdayNext · 22/01/2019 08:12

Tell him to ask his employers for an advance on his salary.

NicolaStart · 22/01/2019 08:16

“He won’t do joint finances or let me look after his money. I have tried that and conversations around it just make him angry.”

This is a massive red flag. He expects to have access to your money to bail him out but every sensible solution you offer ends in in turning on you. Not good.

OP, are you married?