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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To find this message from DP a complete turn off

195 replies

NotABirthdayTreat · 21/01/2019 19:02

DP sent me a message earlier ‘ are you going to dress sexy tonight?’

I’m in jeans & a jumper waiting for him to come home. I’ll be cooking dinner (again) & he’ll be coming in in his sports kit.

AIBU to find it a turn off ?

OP posts:
BlackPrism · 22/01/2019 15:30

Eurgh I agree, the expectation of sex is the biggest turn off... so much pressure and feeling like you have to be turned on when you're just not.

Irritates me

IfNotNowThenWhy · 22/01/2019 15:46

Sorry you had a fight op but I can't say I'd be that worked up by the request. Actually I would be quite surprised because dp isn't really into "sexy" undies and all that-he doesn't really notice what I wear and it comes off pretty quickly anyway!
If I was in the mood might actually be quite pleased he was interested in what i was wearing! I don't think it was exactly a demand to pour yourself into a rubber catsuit...was it?

Safiyaa · 22/01/2019 15:48

OP just saw your update. If he’s into you wearing thigh high boots etc, I’m not surprised you don’t find such texts as this to be a turn on because frankly, it’s naff. I guess some people find wearing tat a turn on, but you are not one if them.

I think you need to decide for yourself what YOU like to wear in the way of lingerie (if anything) and communicate this clearly to him. I’ll be honest, my DH likes lingerie and he buys it for me, but he wouldn’t dare buy me any cheap tat and ask me to wear it for him Grin He’s never expressed he likes the slut look anyway and I doubt he does. If he did, I wouldn’t wear it anyway because that’s not me. If it doesn’t make you feel feminine or beautiful, it’s all fake anyway. Your DH needs to get if through his head that he’s on a different page to you and it’s not working. There have been occasions when DH has wanted me to wear something for him, but I’ve not been in the mood because I’m too tired or something, but he doesn’t go off sulking into a different room. That’s ridiculous and he needs to grow up. Is he always like this?

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 22/01/2019 15:53

I cracked up at 'cooking chicken and chips in thigh high boots' 😂😂😂. Ah, men... I had a 'dress sexy' text from a guy I was seeing ; when I turned up (in my usual jeans/fitted top combo), he was wearing tartan pyjama bottoms and a hoodie with a ketchup stain on it. REAL shexxxxy... 🙄

Gigglebrain · 22/01/2019 15:58

It depends if this is unusual behaviour for him, or if it's part of a whole story of the way he treats to as a sex object (which is the case for me and my dh). If I got that text it would massively piss me off because of the huge back story...

ThomasRichard · 22/01/2019 16:12

Oh dear OP. What was he expecting?!

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 22/01/2019 16:13

I don’t think the OP was against having sex, only against being expected to dress up to be found attractive.

MTBMummy · 22/01/2019 16:20

Put your wellies on, and a balaclava, and perhaps some marigolds, that's a good look.

Best post ever - I'm so dressing up for DP tonight

HeckyPeck · 22/01/2019 16:21

YANBU to find it a turn off.

Personally I wouldn’t, but with my relationship with with DH I’d expect it was jokey (as he says he always thinks I’m sexy so it wouldn’t have been meant as “dress up because you’re only sexy in x,y,x outfit) and his way of saying he’d be up for some shenanigans later.

I’d probably reply with a picture of my not at all sexy pj bottoms and say “you’re in luck!” or something silly.

Sorry you ended up having a row OP. Was it just crossed wires or do you think?

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 22/01/2019 22:38

You had a blazing row because he text you

are you going to dress sexy tonight

That is ridiculous really. Some of the replies are just plain bizarre. Why wouldn’t you want to dress up and make an effort for your DP/DH? Certainly beats slobbing around in baggy clothes watching coronation street.
My DH doesn’t have to ask if I’m dressed ‘sexy’ but if he did I would certainly make an effort for him in the same way he makes an effort for me.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 22/01/2019 23:13

“don’t think the OP was against having sex, only against being expected to dress up to be found attractive.”

Yep, that’s about the crux of it. Plus the demand that she dress up for him as she was cooking his bloody dinner. I mean, really?! That really what meN thinks will get a woman in the mood? Where exactly is the effort from him? Things are going backwards, a lot of young women these days seem just to be all about pleasing the man, I grew up in the era of women being encouraged to make sure they got equal enjoyment out of a sexual relationship and making sure their needs were catered for. If mobile phones had been invented when DH and I were dating, he would have probably sent something very sexy about what he would do to me when he got home to make sure that I came numerous times.! Whereas it seems for many women now, they are happy with a “dress sexy” text and seem to think that being desired by the man whenever they want is enough to make them feel special (although they can’t be in their scruffs, mind!)

Standards and expectations need to be raised indeed!!

What pleasure is the OP’s DP promising her here? The message is: If you play your cards, right, love, i’ll give you one when I get home. Yeah, really sexy, that! Grin

The only reply it warrants is one of the many jokey ones that have been suggested because no-one should take that sort of text seriously in this day and age. It does seem like the way an inexperienced person would sext!

Topseyt · 23/01/2019 02:29

Visibility disappointed! He has some sense of entitlement, doesn't he?

I remember putting DH straight on the "dressing up for me" shit in the early stages of our relationship. We were just about to go to the supermarket. I was in jeans and a sweatshirt. He asked me "Are you going to get dressed up for me?" To which my answer was a firm "bugger off". That was about 30 years ago. He has not repeated it.

Asta19 · 23/01/2019 04:21

I find it more bizarre that some people think that OP should have jumped up in glee and run to put her thigh high boots on! The fact she owns what her DP classes as “sexy gear” means she clearly does dress up for him at times. But it’s not his right to demand it and be “visibly disappointed” when she doesn’t comply. I note she said right at the start she was cooking dinner “again” while her DP was at the gym. Maybe if he wants effort made for him he should start by cooking OP a nice dinner! That would be a good start.

Monty27 · 23/01/2019 04:28

You could have said "who's sexy and why do I have to dress them?"
Grin

Boysandbuses · 23/01/2019 05:09

By asking if she's "going to dress sexy tonight" he's actually being quite demanding because although he's phrased it as a question, it's very obviously an instruction.

Jesus, i see women-splaining is becoming a thing. Its not an instruction, it's a request. My life isn't all about pleasing my Dp. In fact he would be one at home cooking tea. But I dress up for him from time to time. Surprise him when he gets in. And he has for me. We have had some very memorable evenings.

Confused about what you mean be slutty? It's just clothes? Can't call women sluts on mn, but can call clothes slutty? How does that work then? If clothes are slutty wouldn't that make the women wearing them slutty too? Like pp, I am still shocked there is such shame attached to sex.

I mean for fucks sake he was disappointed he wasn't getting sex, don't any women ever feel like that. If dp felt disappointed he was getting any and I wasn't in the mood I would say 'sorry babe, just not your night I guess' send move on. Disappointed is a world away from having a strop. I get disappointed if I thought sex was on the table and it wasn't.

Op if dressing up is something you don't feel comfortable with and won't ever do, tell him it's off the table permently. But all this fuss over a text is ridiculous. I am also guessing that you rage is being fuelled by the faux outrage on here.

It's not like you said he asks every day. Both people should make a bit of effort at least ocxassionally.

Boysandbuses · 23/01/2019 05:30

I find it more bizarre that some people think that OP should have jumped up in glee and run to put her thigh high boots on! The fact she owns what her DP classes as “sexy gear”

No one said she should have jumped up and done anything. Jumping and doing it immediately, isbworlds away from outraged by it . If it something she does occassionally, there's even less reason to be outraged. It not like he asked her to do something she has never done before and she is uncomfortable with that act.

Owning thigh high boots doesn't mean you dress up for your boyfriend either. Thigh high boots are quite popular now. Do you think every woman wearing them in the street is doing so for their OH rather than because they like them?

Quartz2208 · 23/01/2019 07:17

@boys whilst I agree it usually is a request her update about his response made it seem like a command as I get the impression the argument was caused by her not following it rather than him sending (but could be wrong)

That’s the crux of it though - if it was a flirty request then she overreacted if that caused the argument. If her failure to follow it did then he is entitled and clearly feels he can issue commands

Only the OP knows at the moment

Boysandbuses · 23/01/2019 09:43

'Are you....?' Is not command. It was a text so no tone or facial expressions to read

Given that she stewed on it most of the day and had people telling her how awful it the text was, I am willing to bet there's a bit of blame on both sides for the argument.

Clearly she didnt text him back and said 'not tonight' , or he would have known. I really don't see what's so bad about anyone showing a bit of disappointment that there's no sex happening.

Doesn't mean you are entitled to sex. I am disappointed dp isn't making lasagne tonight for tea. Not entitled to lasagne, just a bit disappointed. I am not trying to strong arm Dp into making lasagne instead or trying to make him feel bad.

As for the people say o g part of the issue is that she is making dinner again while he goes to the gym, unless I kissed it there aren't any kids. Ok could go to the gym if she wanted or do something else. She doesn't have to make his dinner, if that's an issue.

StoppinBy · 23/01/2019 12:33

Not sure how people can assume that OP is 'at home slaving away making dinner while hubby is out enjoying himself' is a bad thing... it's one text and one snippet in her life, she quite likely goes out some nights while DH stays home and cooks.

My hubby would love it if I sent him a message asking if he was going to dress sexy for the night, he would in fact love it even more if I demanded he do so Grin .

I also think that OP could have easily txt him back saying that No she wasn't going to be dressing sexy, a non reply would leave his imagination on high speed and his hopes high, no doubt he was disappointed that he likely wouldn't be getting any of the action he had been dreaming about, so what, nothing to argue over in a normal marriage.

hausmann · 23/01/2019 14:37

Of course if it turns you off, YANBU. It would only be unreasonable to expect everybody to be turned off.

As a pp said, I'd be more offended by the bad grammar. It's sexily not sexy.

100% airtight grammar ain’t the be all and end all… “dress sexy” gets more to the point (and we are talking quickie texts here). Then again, the thought of coming home to a strict grammarian, specs not optional, does have its appeal.

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