To find this message from DP a complete turn off

[NotABirthdayTreat]

DP sent me a message earlier ‘ are you going to dress sexy tonight?’

I’m in jeans & a jumper waiting for him to come home. I’ll be cooking dinner (again) & he’ll be coming in in his sports kit.

AIBU to find it a turn off ?

I would definitely reply ‘Why? Are you taking me somewhere nice?’ Worth a try.
If it then transpired that he just wants you to dress sexily whilst sweating over the hob cooking his dinner then the answer would probably be no.

yeah just ask him why are you taking me out and gettinf spruced up yourself LOL

But maybe if OP dresses up he might come home, jump in the shower, bung on his leather thong and assemble the sex swing??

I’d text back: are you?

I don’t think any of the proposed replies so far will be winning any Perrier Awards.

Thanks for all the replies.
He is a great DP. I guess I prefer not to have the expectation/planning. We don’t have any DCs, work from home & are older (40s) so can have sex any time the mood takes us.
He would have definitely expected sex which I guess is the turn off - the expectation.
Also his idea of dressing sexy is slutty. Cooking chicken & chips in thigh high boots is not my idea of foreplay.
Anyway he was visibly disappointed when he got in & we ended up having a blazing row & I slept in the spare room .

There are two ways to view a relationship - "He's asking you to make an effort, so ask him to do likewise" (doesn't need to be dressing up if other things are more important to you), or "he's asking you to make an effort - take a vow of celibacy and tell him to fuck off".

I certainly know which seems healthier.

That’s a shame OP - how long have you been together? Does he know that the lack of spontaneity is a turn off for you?

What’s wrong with “slutty”? Will grown adults ever stop associating sex with shame?

what did you row about the fact you ignored the message because that is worse than the message itself

it makes it sound like a command not a flirty request

He would have definitely expected sex which I guess is the turn off - the expectation.

Wanted or expected? Massive difference.

I think what I wouldn't like about it, is this thing of he's saying "I want sex and I want you dressed in a way that turns me on".

I was thinking about this last night, after reading this thread! As women we're often expected to wear sexy lingerie, heels, make up etc etc. What real effort do men make? Jump in the shower? Maybe shave? Ok, I am generalising but for example, I had a male friend who was internet dating. He told me straight that any woman that showed up in trousers/jeans was out. He wanted heels and a dress and full make up etc. He just threw on jeans and a shirt! But oh it was the woman's "duty" to appeal to him sexually if she wanted to "snag" him. (We're not great friends now!).

I'm not saying people should never make the effort for each other but I wouldn't like to receive a message like the one OP did. It just comes across as very entitled.

“What real effort do men make? Jump in the shower? Maybe shave?”

What do you suggest? I doubt men would say no or be horrified to receive a message saying something similar.

I wouldn’t like this, it actually makes my teeth itch, the thought of my dh sending it to me. I can’t quite put my finger on why though.

Heaven forbid that a man uses a bit of flirty chat to his partner eh?

This is ‘flirty’? Please, for your own sake, get some standards.

⬆️ Is it because you don’t like your husband trying to initiate sex with you perhaps? Banter, flirting and sex are a natural part of living adult relationships.

If you aren’t in the mood you could just say “ha ha, maybe another night, I’m in my comfies now!” Or something.

I doubt that would be taken badly.

“This is ‘flirty’? Please, for your own sake, get some standards.”

Ok Stoic, let’s hear what you consider to be the best kind of flirty chat.

Women are not attractive the way they are - they need to sexy up. Men however are fine as nature created them

I'm sorry that you fell out OP.

It seems like he's annoyed because he wanted sex and he didn't get it. Does he not understand how you feel about being spontaneous? Does he understand at all how you feel?

Christ, people are reading a lot into one simple text. It appears op’s husband is doing a bit of flirting. If it’s not something she wants to engage in, a simple text back with “sorry, not tonight” is all that is needed to put a stop to husbands plan for sexy time.

@secretwitch the OP posted this morning that he came home and they had a blazing row

This is how I view it = woman as object.

Flirty would be telling you something he wanted to do/appreciates about you not just what you are going to do for him. Alternatively he could tell you you are hot 😁

He sounds like a gonk

I'd send similar to my wife, to which she'd reply something like "yes, if you find [whatever she had on] sexy", to which I'd then reply "yep, totally, love you"

Awww... just fell in love with @PietariKontio and would definitely greet him at the door in best bodysuit / suspenders / whip etc

Do you have to dress up in order to have his attention?

Just curious, I know we all like to make an extra special effort now and again, especially important in long term relationships, but for it to be expected of you is a different matter.

Lot of people projecting on here.....