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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

School using dd to help support sen children

293 replies

Jammiebammie · 21/01/2019 16:01

Rubbish title sorry, couldn’t think what else to put. I don’t think iabu but would really appreciate some input.

Bit of background, dd2 (11) is in p7 and has an anxiety disorder, she sees cahms for this. She also has cfs and does struggle a bit some times. Youngest dd is disabled and although sad to admit, it does impact on dd2s anxiety quite a lot and we are working hard to help her deal with this.

At school, dd is a great student and we’ve never had any issues with her in that respect. Shes a house captain, always has good work and is often called upon to help teachers etc.
Dd has been on the receiving end of bullying which took forever to sort with the school, but it has improved this last year.
I have had many meetings with the school for dds health and well-being, she sometimes needs to take herself off for ‘cool off times’ where she has been stressed, or finding things too difficult (we had issues with her self harming which was heartbreaking, but she seems so deal with really well atm)

Sorry for long post there, but didn’t want to drip feed.

Before Xmas, dd was asked to look after a little girl in p1 who has additional needs. This was at break and lunch times for the period of a week. Dd found this very difficult, she had to sit with her girl and make sure she ate lunch, didn’t scream and a few other things. I wasn’t happy about this as dd seemed so stressed about it, but she begged me not to phone the school, as it only lasted a week and the school holidays were looming I did respect her wishes and I just let it go.

Today she comes home in tears and has told me for the last week she has been given a little boy within additional needs to look after. This has been since last week and they want her to do it for another 2 weeks, every single break and lunch time. She has been told to tell him not to kick and hit people and to be on alert for his behaviour. He was hitting her today and spitting in her face and she has to just ‘deal with it’. She has to feed him lunch and took him to the toilet too.
She was told that there weren’t enough support teachers to help, and as a house captain she has a responsibility to help the school.
To say I am fuming is an understatement! She doesn’t want me to phone but I will tomorrow, I can’t believe they have put this on a child who needs extra support at home, and dealing with a disabled sibling this is the last thing she needs. It’s also not fair on the children who she has been asked to watch, their needs aren’t being met, dd isn’t trained to deal with any of these issues and it is so wrong and lazy of the school to ask student to take this on (I suspect there are other p7s looking after younger children but I haven’t confirmed this with dd).

Is it even legal for the school to do this? If it was my younger dd being looked after by another student and not her support teacher I think I would be just as mad, but the fact they are well aware of dd2s struggles and have plans in place for when she is overwhelmed, I just can’t beleive this.

Any ideas of how I can speak to the school to rectify this? Any legislations I can quote? I obviously won’t go in all guns blazing and will get proper facts from the school first, but surely this can’t be acceptable.

Sorry this is so long, well done if you got this far!

OP posts:
hamandpease · 24/01/2019 20:32

How did your DH do?

talulahbelle · 24/01/2019 20:42

I hope you got it sorted today.

Littletabbyocelot · 24/01/2019 21:09

If there are no other routes available can you raise a safeguarding issue about your daughter being required to button up a boys fly?

MrsBosh · 24/01/2019 21:32

Can't believe this. Hope sorted today and your DD alright.

isitisitwicked · 24/01/2019 21:41

Been following. Hope today went well

isitisitwicked · 24/01/2019 21:43

Been following. Hope today went well

Wonderbag · 24/01/2019 22:07

I hope your dh or you got to actually speak to the school today.

TheMaddHugger · 25/01/2019 08:02

Jammiebammie 💐🌸🌼🌺 are you OK ?

Fightingfit2019 · 25/01/2019 08:07

Hope everything went well

Emelene · 25/01/2019 16:51

Thinking of you and your daughter OP x

StormTreader · 25/01/2019 16:57

Dh is taking the morning off tomorrow and he’s going to go into the school

Did that help? I'm sad to say I'm expecting it did as men seem to be listened to much more when it comes to saying No to things.

whatsleep · 25/01/2019 17:02

Whatever the outcome is today, I would put it into writing and copy in the board of governors to ensure a paper trail should there be further issues for either your daughter or other children. I really hope you have got the issues sorted.

0nTheEdge · 25/01/2019 18:09

I really hope you get this sorted OP, it's not fair on your daughter at all.
I remember when I was at school, a teacher used to ask my group of friends to look after a boy with downs syndrome at lunch. He was no bother at all and was a joy even though he couldn't talk to us, etc. The big difference was that there were at least four of us so no one had to go without toileting or eating, and we didn't have to do anything other than sit with him, open his sandwiches and keep him company. What your daughter is needing to deal with should be the responsibility of an adult, and for good reason. I feel sad for everyone in your scenario, it's unfair on your daughter and on the poor child who deserves proper care whilst at school.

TheMaddHugger · 26/01/2019 00:06

@Jammiebammie 💐🌸🌼🌺 are you OK

starting to worry

((((Hugs)))

skunkatanka · 26/01/2019 04:20

How did it go op?

Weenurse · 26/01/2019 07:54

💐

Justwantednicethings · 26/01/2019 20:52

To be honest the account given by the DD seemed so incredibly unlikely that I think OP probably found out it was a mountain out of a molehill and feels a bit awkward coming back Flowers

ChristmasFlary · 26/01/2019 22:14

I thought the same

TheMaddHugger · 27/01/2019 01:33

If that was the case then why didnt the teacher just write back to OP and say "what are you on about "

RhiWrites · 27/01/2019 09:38

Or OP is busy taking legal advice in the face on complete intransigence.

KarineAimee · 27/01/2019 15:09

The OP did say that she had another DC at home who needs constant care at the moment, so coming back to update, understandably, may not be a priority at the moment.

Claw001 · 27/01/2019 15:19

I’ve heard of ‘buddies’ or ‘friendship’ benches etc, never anything like this!

MeOldChina · 27/01/2019 15:57

This is too much.

Where i work we have 6th formers with additional responsibilities such as hearing younger students read, helping at homework club or supporting them with maths etc one or two lunch times per week. We would not dream of asking them to support anyone to the degree being asked of @Jammiebammie 's daughter.

Jammiebammie · 27/01/2019 21:12

Ah sorry for not replying with an update, ended up back in hospital with youngest dd. Dh never had a chance to go into the school as dd2 was off on the Thursday anyway. Dd went back on Friday and she was asked to do it again, but I was so proud of her as she actually said she didn’t want to do it.
I got a phonecall from the school on Friday afternoon, apparently they never had the note but they did have a message from reception asking to call me but pretended not to know what it was about. Honestly I’m raging by this point, I was told that it was an exercise for ‘learning responsibility’ and a couple other girls in p7 have been asked to do the same. I lost my head at this point, I’m annoyed at myself for doing so but was honestly in the middle of a children’s ward when this was going on! We’ve got a meeting with the headteacher and the sen coordinator next week (might just be dh who goes) I’ll have everything written down and hopefully had enough time to cool down by then.
I did get an apology over the phone, that they would never had deliberately given dd more than she can handle, but it was honestly like they were trying to blame dd for her coping strategies rather than actually addressing the issue that no child should have been asked to do this in the first place!
I do think I’m going to take this higher, I’m certainly not satisfied with what was said over the phone so I’ll be interested to see what they’ve had time to come up with we meet with them next week.
I promise I’ll keep you all updated, just a hell of a lot going on right now.
Thanks everyone for help and advice so far, sorry some of you had to go through similar when younger, it’s quite harrowing to read how much has stuck with you (sorry can’t seem to tag names on my phone) also thanks for the sibling camp, something to look in to.

OP posts:
TheMaddHugger · 27/01/2019 21:28

bloody Hellz. They are soo wrong but digging their heels in. Take 'em all the way to the Top peron to complain to.

(((((MaddHugs))) for DD and other Child in Hospital and For all you are trying to handle at moment.💐🌻💐🌸🌼🌺🍦🍫🍰☕