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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother and birthday card gate

407 replies

Whatdoesitmatteranyway · 21/01/2019 10:30

Just wondering who is being unreasonable here.

Today is my mums 75th. For her birthday she got an iPAD and I ordered a large bunch of roses with a card which are due to be delivered today.

I'm staying at hers monday-thursday for work reasons and got up this morning and wished her happy birthday.

She's going out for lunch with an uncle of mine which I didnt know about so I mentioned to her that flowers were going to be arriving and I hoped they arrived before she went out if not hopefully the neighbours would take them in.

First thing she said was "where's my card?"

I explained that there was a card on the flowers and I thought flowers were a nice gesture and that anyway in view cards are for when you can't give best wishes in person or if the recipient doesnt qualify for a present.

"Flowers are nice but a card would also be nice"

I phone her to warn her about road works she might get affected by and got "well I wouldn't normally go that way but I might today looking for my card".

I had planned not to bother sending cards anymore because they are a pain in the back side and end up in the bin - text messages/phone calls are better in my view.

Anyway looks like I'm going to have to continue at least as far as mothers concerned.

So AIBU for thinking flowers with a card is enough or is she for behaving like a petty toddler?

OP posts:
Nquartz · 21/01/2019 12:11

Can the OP please confirm if the card with the flowers is the little card from the florist or a moonpig/funky pigeon card? I've assumed it's the latter in which case YANBU

Figgygal · 21/01/2019 12:11

I can see it from both sides to I xaijam someone who likes cards my husband isn't but he knows it's important to me so will always get me one

Your mum is one of those people you are not but if it's important to her just get our bloody card don't question why it's important to her

Ngaio2 · 21/01/2019 12:12

I think the importance of cards may be an age thing — a nostalgic remnant of past birthdays when perhaps all one got from most friends and family was a card. Most people of my acquaintance in the past kept the cards, put them in scrapbooks etc and even donated them to children’s wards in hospitals. The disposable society has changed attitudes to cards but some folk like the OPs DM are stuck.
Personally, I’d be thrilled to receive an iPad and flowers and wouldn’t expect anything else

patchysmum · 21/01/2019 12:17

I am an older mum and would also like a card ,a lot of the older generation like to keep them, don't think she is being petty and am sure she is pleased with the presents ,a card that comes with flowers is not the same unless it is an actual birthday card

TruffleShuffles · 21/01/2019 12:21

So has your mother had anything at all to open on the morning of her birthday OP? You said she received the iPad last week and the flowers haven’t arrived yet so is she upset that she didn’t get a card as at least then she would have had something to open to make it feel like it was her birthday.

Chocolate1984 · 21/01/2019 12:22

I would have bought flowers and a card and given them to her on the morning of her birthday.

Mabumssare · 21/01/2019 12:26

Thanks what I'm thinking to truffleshuffles

Sounds like a but of a anti climax of a birthday. If I didn't have a card I would have kept the presents to give on her actual birthday.

Sounds like a barrel of laughs over at your mum's house. Measuring the dishwasher and no fuss on your 75th birthday.

I hope she has a nice lunch out 😆

TeenTimesTwo · 21/01/2019 12:27

I don't like electronically generated moonpig cards.
For me they show lack of effort to go and choose and write one yourself.
I may be U in this, but I wouldn't be surprised if your DM feels the same.

I would want a card saying Mum and 75th on the front, written in by you.

PattiStanger · 21/01/2019 12:29

If she got the iPad last weekend does that mean she had nothing this morning on her actual birthday

The woman is 75 not 7, why on earth would she need something in addition to a very generous gift? I wouldn't waste money on a card that is going in the recycling in 2 days time and I'd probably be looking to move out as well

icannotremember · 21/01/2019 12:30

I can't be doing with people like your DM. Fancy throwing a strop like this because your daughter, who gave you a bloody iPad and arranged flowers to be delivered, didn't also get you a separate card. It's ridiculous and petty. This whole "oh but she is of a generation that likes cards" doesn't excuse her being so petty and childish.

Mabumssare · 21/01/2019 12:31

Btw my husband informed me the other night I was putting the cutlery in the tray the wrong way (pull out tray at the top) because it was easier to turn the knives to place on the opposite side than it was to turn the forks .... people get weird about dishwashers everyone has their 'own way' in my experience and it's strange when someone else loads your dishwasher (or folds your washing etc ...... this could be a new thread Grin)

fortifiedwithtea · 21/01/2019 12:31

I think its an age thing. My mum is 81. She likes cards but they must be on time. Arrive a day late and she will tell you that she considers you may as well not bothered.

Looneytune253 · 21/01/2019 12:39

To be fair I think a birthday card is more important than the flowers. The florists card doesn’t count. I know what you’re saying makes sense but still it is nice to receive birthday cards. Also yab completely u about Mother’s Day. If you’re both British then you should absolutely send a Mother’s Day card on the British date. Understandably they don’t sell them then but you could have made one or used moonpig etc.

SassitudeandSparkle · 21/01/2019 12:43

I think you should have got her a card, even a Moonpig one.

And to measure the dishwasher - that's quite nasty IMO. Why do you need to prove her wrong with her own dishwasher that you don't even use? That is really quite argumentative, as if you wanted to pick a fight with her. Perhaps both of you do that. Can't be nice for either of you tbh.

BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 21/01/2019 12:45

She's being utterly ridiculous. Is it becasuse she wants to show her cards to friends/family? Maybe she has competitive friends who would be gleeful at the lack of a card from her daughter.

Two of my dcs give me cards like clockwork. The other one very rarely does. I usually get a rushed text at 11pm on the day. It doesn't bother me in the slightest. I didn't have children so they could flatter me with their time and attention.

LittleLongDog · 21/01/2019 12:47

The mother (as I refer to her amongst friends) will never admit she's wrong and will never ever ever apologise.

You sound exactly the same 😂

Neither of you are ‘wrong’ or ‘right’ here.

tiggerkid · 21/01/2019 12:48

If she doesn't save all her birthday cards just for memories, then she is being a pain. However, I am assuming it's more important for you to have the relationship with her than to be right, so I'd send her a card if it's that important.

Kokeshi123 · 21/01/2019 12:49

This whole "oh but she is of a generation that likes cards" doesn't excuse her being so petty and childish.

Exactly.

I privately have opinions about a lot of gifts (I end up re¥gifting a lot of things because I don't like clutter and am fussy about possessions) but I would never say anything negative to the person who gave it to me.

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 21/01/2019 12:51

Definitely largely a generational thing. I couldn't care less about cards. Expensive for what they are, and just add to the recycling load.

My parents are ridiculously attached to cards for everything. They value them far more highly than actual contact with a person! Even if they have congratulated someone personally on something there will be always be a card, each child gets individual Christmas cards carefully picked out, even though they are spending the entire Christmas with them. I get a phone call to say a cards on it's way, and a call to check its arrived. When I was once late with a card, they tried to be reasonable but I could tell I had really offended them.

I wish cards would completely disappear but recognise that the unnecessary is what makes our economy turn (and will kill the planet).

Original poster
Whatdoesitmatteranyway · 21/01/2019 12:54

For the avoidance of doubt:

WHEN MOTHERS DAY GATE HAPPENED AND I WAS IN THE US THERE WAS NO SUCH THING AS THE INTERNET AND MOONPIG!

OP posts:
Myimaginarycathasfleas · 21/01/2019 12:55

I’m not a card person but I would have got a card under the circs you describe. And not a moon pig one either, but a handwritten one that arrived in the post.

I’m not condoning her reaction but you are at fault here.

Get a card, write a nice message, job done. Don’t be petty on her birthday ffs.

LittleLongDog · 21/01/2019 12:56

WHEN MOTHERS DAY GATE HAPPENED AND I WAS IN THE US THERE WAS NO SUCH THING AS THE INTERNET AND MOONPIG!

But there is such a thing as blank cards that you could have written ‘Happy Mothers Day’ inside.

OyOy · 21/01/2019 12:57

WHEN MOTHERS DAY GATE HAPPENED AND I WAS IN THE US THERE WAS NO SUCH THING AS THE INTERNET AND MOONPIG!

But were there: airmail, stamps, stationery shops selling generic/blank cards and calendars?

InfiniteVariety · 21/01/2019 12:58

When I lived in Singapore I always had the problem with Mother's Day being a different day because they follow the US date there. It was always a minefield anyway because DM disliked it being called "Mother's Day" as she said it should be "Mothering Sunday"

JudgeRindersMinder · 21/01/2019 12:59

She is being a bit petty, but I can see both sides.
I don’t understand why, when you know how she is about cards, that you dont just accept that’s how she is, accept you’re different and keep her well stocked up with cards...pick your battles!