Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother and birthday card gate

407 replies

Whatdoesitmatteranyway · 21/01/2019 10:30

Just wondering who is being unreasonable here.

Today is my mums 75th. For her birthday she got an iPAD and I ordered a large bunch of roses with a card which are due to be delivered today.

I'm staying at hers monday-thursday for work reasons and got up this morning and wished her happy birthday.

She's going out for lunch with an uncle of mine which I didnt know about so I mentioned to her that flowers were going to be arriving and I hoped they arrived before she went out if not hopefully the neighbours would take them in.

First thing she said was "where's my card?"

I explained that there was a card on the flowers and I thought flowers were a nice gesture and that anyway in view cards are for when you can't give best wishes in person or if the recipient doesnt qualify for a present.

"Flowers are nice but a card would also be nice"

I phone her to warn her about road works she might get affected by and got "well I wouldn't normally go that way but I might today looking for my card".

I had planned not to bother sending cards anymore because they are a pain in the back side and end up in the bin - text messages/phone calls are better in my view.

Anyway looks like I'm going to have to continue at least as far as mothers concerned.

So AIBU for thinking flowers with a card is enough or is she for behaving like a petty toddler?

OP posts:
DontCallMeCharlotte · 21/01/2019 11:32

Sorry but YABU. Especially knowing her feelings on the subject (whether or not you agree with them).

And a florist's card really doesn't count as a card.

But you have certainly spoiled her with an iPad and flowers - shame she's fixating on the card.

HundoP · 21/01/2019 11:33

The the dishwasher measuring.

My point was is the healthy response is to know it doesn’t matter! Let her have it, let it go! Eye roll at best!

You really do have to be bloody minded to go to the extent of measuring a dishwasher with a rule.

That’s not healthy behaviour!

Feels like your Mum valued the card due to the thought needed to pick one, write it out, post it so it would arrive on her actual birthday.

Something I look forward to every year is the sound of the letter box with lovely post, so rare these days!

An iPad ordered online delivered a week early doesn’t really require any thought - it just cost more so it’s not the same thing.

Feels like she wants your thought and time, not to be paid off with showy gifts.

happygirly1 · 21/01/2019 11:34

Yes, your DM is being ungrateful, awkward and petty (especially to bring it up and keep going on about it). However, to keep the peace I would just heavy sigh and get her a card, knowing you haven't really done anything wrong.

I've stopped buying Christmas cards this year trying to be a bit more environmentally conscious, but still bought my DM and DGM one as I know they view them as really important.

tryinganewname · 21/01/2019 11:36

Definitely would have gotten the card. I know that my mum and mother in law (MIL especially) appreciate a card the most.

I find a little weird that people don't send cards, I 'get' Christmas cards but not birthday cards. The card with the flowers isn't the same, it will be generic and may not say happy birthday on it either.

No need for her to continue being arsey after her original point was made though.

Sirzy · 21/01/2019 11:37

I’m not a card person but if I knew someone was I would still go to the effort to send them a proper one or at least talk to them in advance

TheNoodlesIncident · 21/01/2019 11:38

Ah, I get you OP, that dishwasher story is very revealing. My MIL has also behaved like this. I think you've been very generous, but concur with toomuchtooold, she'll be looking for things to complain about and one way or another, you can't really win.

RedPanda2 · 21/01/2019 11:41

Your mum sounds like hard work. You've bought her lovely gifts, at 75 she's surely had enough cards?

Mia1415 · 21/01/2019 11:46

Sorry but I think YABVU. You know cards matter to her, its her 75th birthday, she has no other family and her only daughter couldn't be bothered to get her a card.

SistersResistingTheCisThing · 21/01/2019 11:48

Would people respond to their own DC the way OP's mother has here?

Although "Yes I call her "The mother" but I call DH "The Wife" or "The Boy" depending on who I'm talking to." isnt very nice and as for measuring the dishwasher?! OP aren't you afraid you are at risk of turning out like your mother, as lots of us do? Grin

Mabumssare · 21/01/2019 11:50

If she got the iPad last weekend does that mean she had nothing this morning on her actual birthday ?

SistersResistingTheCisThing · 21/01/2019 11:52

"Isn't very nice" sounds so fucking wet, sorry. I actually think it's a pretty shit disrespectful way to refer to your DH. I would not be happy if my DH referred to me as "the wife" or "the girl" to a third party Hmm

Daisydoesnt · 21/01/2019 11:53

My mother is 72 so a similar age to yours OP. If I forgot a birthday card (or even worse, Mother's Day) she would be really, really upset. I personally don't see what it is with cards, but they are so important to her, much more so than any present. Without a doubt she'd have a card over a present any day.

This time if I were you I'd just apologise, make sure you get her a card on the way home, and never over look it again.

It might seem a bit irrational to us but is it really worth falling out with your mum over something so tiny that is so easy to make her happy?

granny24 · 21/01/2019 11:54

FairNotFair. Bloody brilliant.

MondeoFan · 21/01/2019 11:55

The card will be a tiny credit card sized saying who it's from on the flowers I'm assuming. The older generation do like cards and I think you should respect that and have sent her a card with 75 on it. 75 is a special birthday in my opinion.

Mrstraveller · 21/01/2019 11:57

My MIL is exactly like this about cards. When she sends them they have to have the correct title on so "Daughter in Law" on the front with some gushy message in the middle.

Husband and I have had quite a few stressful times over the years and if my DH ever forgets one of her family's birthdays there is absolute hell to pay. One year he forgot and apparently she said "can't MrsT do it". I don't expect my DH to remember any of my family's birthdays so I'm not sure why she thinks I'm responsible for his.

The ridiculous fuss she has caused over cards over the years has contributed to my intense dislike of her. Yes you could say my husband should remember but to me she pins more importance on a card than the reality of what a relationship is really like. My family are close but occasionally we forget to send cards for birthdays etc - no-one takes offence and it doesn't damage the relationship. We see each other a lot anyway.

The year MIL forgot my birthday was hilarious! She was so embarrassed....

We also do a lot for my MIL (bought her a laptop so she could keep in touch with my DH by Skype when he was abroad), always pay if we go out (and we take her to nice restaurants) but this all seems to be forgotten if there is an issue over a late card, or the card not having the right title/words etc. I just don't understand the obsession. My mum is actually older than MIL and she's not like that at all.

OnwardsAndUpwards10 · 21/01/2019 11:58

TBH, I would have bought her a card, it's pretty custom in the UK to do that, you give it to them? Here on continent where we live now (and mother's day is celebrated in May - when I lived in UK I would buy a card and keep it safe until May, not exactly difficult) you don't give a card, but send a card if you can't see the person in question on their birthday. She's 75 - maybe she values traditional customs?

MargotSimpson · 21/01/2019 11:59

YABU. Your mum is not a PITA for being upset that you didn’t get her a mother’s day card. Regardless of where you were living at the time. You sound very self-centred. Regards to her birthday, it does sound like she’s going on a bit but in her eyes it’s probably mother’s day all over again.

comebacksoonsusan · 21/01/2019 12:01

She sounds a pita

Laureline · 21/01/2019 12:01

Your mother sounds like hard work... I think she’s rude and passive-agressive. You have my sympathy, OP.
My mother just turned 70 this WE, I got her champagne and flowers - and no card Wink and she was lovely.

notquitethesame · 21/01/2019 12:02

I think you've been perfectly reasonable OP and your mum is being ungrateful. I had a similar situation with MIL a few years ago at Xmas- we did everything we could to make the day special for her (drove to hers for the day with small children as she didn't want to travel to us, provided and cooked Xmas dinner, provided her favourite foods even though we'd prefer something different, bought her expensive gifts etc). Then she phoned after we'd got home to say that we had ruined her Xmas by not giving her a card, and that she had been assuming all day that we had just left it in the car and would give it to her later. Now we give her a card but don't bend over backwards to do everything else her way.

ilovepixie · 21/01/2019 12:03

My mum loves a nice card. She would rather have a card than a present. I think it's an older person thing lol. I couldn't care less about the cards but want a present.!

Namelessinseattle · 21/01/2019 12:04

The apple doesn’t fall far..... If it doesn’t matter which side of the dishwasher the plates go then why go to all that effort. I think it’s not enough for you to be right, you want her to be wrong and that’s no way to live.

79andnotout · 21/01/2019 12:06

YANBU. She's being very ungrateful.

Missingstreetlife · 21/01/2019 12:10

Just get her a card.

InSightMars · 21/01/2019 12:10

I also live in the USA and my mother lives in the UK, she’s about the same age as your mum, she likes cards too. I almost forgot Mother’s Day too the first year I was here because of the difference in dates but fortunately, while chatting online, someone reminded me. Too late to mail a card but not too late to order flowers to be delivered! She did mention wistfully that my card hadn’t arrived and must have got lost in the post. I lied by omission.

See, that generation likes cards, real cards, not e-cards or little florist cards or even big florist cards not written by the sender, a real card in an envelope that comes with the post or, if you’re there in person, with the gift. My mum’s the only one I buy real cards for anymore.

Swipe left for the next trending thread