Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother and birthday card gate

407 replies

Whatdoesitmatteranyway · 21/01/2019 10:30

Just wondering who is being unreasonable here.

Today is my mums 75th. For her birthday she got an iPAD and I ordered a large bunch of roses with a card which are due to be delivered today.

I'm staying at hers monday-thursday for work reasons and got up this morning and wished her happy birthday.

She's going out for lunch with an uncle of mine which I didnt know about so I mentioned to her that flowers were going to be arriving and I hoped they arrived before she went out if not hopefully the neighbours would take them in.

First thing she said was "where's my card?"

I explained that there was a card on the flowers and I thought flowers were a nice gesture and that anyway in view cards are for when you can't give best wishes in person or if the recipient doesnt qualify for a present.

"Flowers are nice but a card would also be nice"

I phone her to warn her about road works she might get affected by and got "well I wouldn't normally go that way but I might today looking for my card".

I had planned not to bother sending cards anymore because they are a pain in the back side and end up in the bin - text messages/phone calls are better in my view.

Anyway looks like I'm going to have to continue at least as far as mothers concerned.

So AIBU for thinking flowers with a card is enough or is she for behaving like a petty toddler?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 21/01/2019 10:53

A tiny florist's card attached to a bunch of flowers is not the same as a card lovingly chosen with the recipient in mind.

I suspect you and your mother are similarly bloody-minded at times.

Go out today and buy one of those ENORMOUS demonstrative "Special Mother" birthday cards from Clintons. Grin

LittleLongDog · 21/01/2019 10:54

Just get your mum a card.

Also, with regards to Mother’s Day - could you just have got a blank card?

Cards may not be important to you but they obviously are to her. And she’s the recipient after all. For your birthday tell everyone you’re happy not to receive a card.

Mabumssare · 21/01/2019 10:55

Did you buy here the iPad? You said she got one was it a joint present from all the family ? Did she ask for it ?

GoGoGadgetGin · 21/01/2019 10:56

That's ridiculous of her, an (expensive!);present, flowers that had a card attached and still having to nitpick!! Does she always have to focus on a negative point?

Sparkletastic · 21/01/2019 10:57

It's pretty standard to give someone a birthday card. A florists card doesn't really cut it.

Toooldtocareanymore · 21/01/2019 10:57

you were wrong, you made the wrong call, now get out your markers and glittery pen and make her the most splendid one you can and stop trying to convince us the scrap of cardboard with a bunch of flowers is same as a card you chose, wrote yourself and had there on her day...

mayathebeealldaylong · 21/01/2019 10:58

Sorry OP just read what you wrote about Mother's Day. She is being cruel.

Original poster
Whatdoesitmatteranyway · 21/01/2019 10:58

I am the only family - dad died over a decade ago and I’m an inky child.

The iPad was from me because the one she was using was my old 3rd generation that was 7 years old

OP posts:
KurriKurri · 21/01/2019 10:59

I'd be thrilled with all the things you have got her - ipad and roses - lucky Mum !! - Wouldn't occur to me to ask about a card (some people give them, but I have lots of friends and family who like you are cutting down,) IMO a present covers a card as well (as in 'I have remembered and am celebrating your birthday') in fact if some one said 'happy birthday or sent FB happy birthday - that covers 'card' as well'

And I am similar generation to your Mum (bit younger but old enough to be from the 'card' generation.)

Fabellini · 21/01/2019 10:59

Ah, so not a “proper” card then. I think your present and the flowers are generous of you, but your mum clearly wants a card she can display and then keep.
She’s being an arse about it, but I’m on her side really.

Wonkypalmtree · 21/01/2019 10:59

I keep cards from immediate family, I treasure them. It sounds like your DM is the same. I would get a separate card in future, especially as you are staying with her

Original poster
Whatdoesitmatteranyway · 21/01/2019 11:00

Only child! Not inky child.

And I never hand write any card as I generate them on moonpig! It’s no bloody different.

But I accept I was wrong for some reason I can’t fathom and will try to fix it at lunch time.

Still thing she’s being ungrateful

OP posts:
MargoLovebutter · 21/01/2019 11:01

Keep saying, the card will arrive with the flowers, the card will arrive with the flowers, the card will arrive with the flowers!!!!!

I feel your pain OP, but it sounds like she may have been fussy about cards for a long time, so I'd have got the card anyway.

My mother is a PITA about stuff like this too, so I tick every fucking box and jump through every hoop, as the fallout is not worth it. She'll remember for a millennia the one thing you once didn't do and it's on repeat for the next millennia - regardless of all the stuff that you did remember!

CoastalLife · 21/01/2019 11:01

Wow. She sounds like hard work. You've bought her a lovely bunch of flowers and she's frankly behaving like a bratty child. Did you also buy her the iPad? And you were thoughtful enough to warn her about the traffic and she used it as another opportunity to show how ungrateful she is for the things you have done.

I would suggest having a discussion with her (after her birthday) and telling her that you take on board how important a separate card is to her (I.e. not one that comes with flowers as that doesn't seem to be up to scratch) and that you will remember for the future, however perhaps she could also give some thought to how hurtful it is to choose a lovely gift for someone and to do thoughtful things for them, but for that person to basically ignore all of that and hold onto the one thing that you didn't do. Which actually, you did do, because there is a card with the flowers, just not to her exacting standards. But I'm not sure there would be much point in this conversation because she seems like one of those people who is extremely sensitive when it comes to perceived slights against her, but is perfectly happy to trample all over everyone else's feelings. So she would probably just turn it around on you and sulk (like when she cut you off for 3 months over the mother's day card).

Can you tell I'm projecting a little? 😁

Original poster
Whatdoesitmatteranyway · 21/01/2019 11:01

And for the record, she’s doesn’t keep or display the cards. They sit in a pile on her table until the next recycling day (which is Wednesday) and they go out with the recycling

OP posts:
JemSynergy · 21/01/2019 11:01

I would have got her a card. I find text messages so impersonal when it is from close relatives. My mum started sending me birthday text messages and I just thought it was so lazy and thoughtless. I like to write notes in my cards and when people write me notes in cards I keep them.

chocatoo · 21/01/2019 11:02

I can see it from both sides. Cards are more important to oldies though and on balance I think you should have anticipated that. Could you whizz over to the florist and get them to deliver a massive card with the flowers? Then perhaps your mum might feel a bit ashamed of sulking.

Juells · 21/01/2019 11:02

GabriellaMontez
I can't believe you didn't bother to buy your Mum a birthday card especially when you're staying with her.

ipad, flowers with card, what the hell? She's being ridiculous.

purple776 · 21/01/2019 11:02

I hate cards I think they are a waste of money and I bin them but I have learned the hard way that they are really important to some people, especially older generations so YABU, go and buy her a cheap card as she won't be happy with the florist note. Buy her one for every future event too. Not worth the hassle.

Piffle11 · 21/01/2019 11:03

I think the importance of birthday cards is a generational thing. I'm not bothered about cards (I'm late 40s) but my DM, who is the same age as your DM, wouldn't dream of not sending a card. And it has to be there on or before the actual date! Your DM clearly wants a card, although I think the way she is going on about it is pathetic. The comment she made after your roadworks info is something that my DF would say. I'm not really sure what advice to give you - if she keeps going on about it then I think I would have to point out that she hasn't really done too badly out of you, and perhaps she could focus on the lovely things you've done, rather than trying to make you feel guilty about the card?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 21/01/2019 11:03

Oh Dear. I totally get where you are coming from, but I think it is a generation thing? I've managed to phase out Xmas cards (dementia is a wonderful thing /sarcasm) but I always choose nice b-day and M-day cards because I know they mean a lot to her. I also choose ones that I know she will like even if they make me puke. It's just what you do.

SistersResistingTheCisThing · 21/01/2019 11:03

I would have got my similarly aged mother a card, especially for a big birthday, as I know they're important to her - the crucial difference is if I hadn't got her a card but gave her roses and ipad, she would never dream of being so ungrateful!

I think perhaps you should have got her a card but people who also think that - don't you think the mum is also being ungrateful? It's pretty bad behaviour on her part.

LagunaBubbles · 21/01/2019 11:04

Have people read the post? She HAS got her a card, it's coming with the flowers!

The card you get with flowers is not the same as a proper birthday card.

FairNotFair · 21/01/2019 11:04

YANBU.

Write "Happy Birthday Mum" on her lawn in weedkiller. That will give her something to complain about.

DonCorleoneTheThird · 21/01/2019 11:04

I agree that cards given to someone who is standing right here are absolutely ridiculous, especially if all the card says is "to xxx, love from xxx"

Cards are to be sent to someone who is not there!

Your mum is 75, humour her, buy her a card. It's important to her, so that's all that matters, as silly as it is.