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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother and birthday card gate

407 replies

Whatdoesitmatteranyway · 21/01/2019 10:30

Just wondering who is being unreasonable here.

Today is my mums 75th. For her birthday she got an iPAD and I ordered a large bunch of roses with a card which are due to be delivered today.

I'm staying at hers monday-thursday for work reasons and got up this morning and wished her happy birthday.

She's going out for lunch with an uncle of mine which I didnt know about so I mentioned to her that flowers were going to be arriving and I hoped they arrived before she went out if not hopefully the neighbours would take them in.

First thing she said was "where's my card?"

I explained that there was a card on the flowers and I thought flowers were a nice gesture and that anyway in view cards are for when you can't give best wishes in person or if the recipient doesnt qualify for a present.

"Flowers are nice but a card would also be nice"

I phone her to warn her about road works she might get affected by and got "well I wouldn't normally go that way but I might today looking for my card".

I had planned not to bother sending cards anymore because they are a pain in the back side and end up in the bin - text messages/phone calls are better in my view.

Anyway looks like I'm going to have to continue at least as far as mothers concerned.

So AIBU for thinking flowers with a card is enough or is she for behaving like a petty toddler?

OP posts:
happymum12345 · 22/01/2019 22:11

As you know how much she likes cards, so I would keep her happy & just get her one.

Flamingle18 · 22/01/2019 22:29

My mum's the opposite. She's not happy if she gets one with even remotely soppy words on so I have to find the plainest one possible!

Hector2000 · 22/01/2019 22:32

She sounds like a classic controlling mumzilla. My mother (RIP) was the same - nothing ever quite good enough. Every event (birthdays, Xmas, mother’s day) felt like a test. My mil is similar, but I have now taken the decision only to communicate with her regarding g’children visits - I say to her I leave all the cards etc to my husband as it’s his family. Such a relief - I used to do so much and she was always very negative, or damning with faint praise.

robininbrum · 22/01/2019 23:13

Yeah I always give a card, and always expect one (middle aged here, 50-ish,) and my parents/aunts/nan etc, would always expect one too and would think it odd to not get one, and yes, they would be disappointed...

As a number of posters have said, many people would rather have a card and a gift worth only a tenner, than an expensive gift and no card. As has been said, most people over 45/50 grew up in an age where everyone gave a card, so this is why they think it odd to not get one. I don't know why people are getting so uptight about people expecting a card. It's what they grew up with, it's what they know, and it's a sign that someone cares.

It may seem odd to some (especially younger people - like under 30,) but then we 'oldies' think that being glued to your mobile phone 24/7 and looking at it 200 times a day is odd too. I literally NEVER look at my mobile phone unless it rings or a text comes through. Somedays I will not look at it at all, most days only once or twice. So we are all different no???

We are all different, and there is nothing wrong with someone wanting a card. What I don't understand is if you know they want one, they appreciate one, and it means a lot to them, then why don't you get one? It costs less than 50p! Some people (like the OP,) seem to be OK with spending exorbitant amounts of wonga on faddy gadgets, but won't buy a 50p card? WTAF? Confused

Sod the fact that YOU think cards are pointless. It means something to THEM. Makes you sound a bit self serving if you know they like a card and you don't give them one.

As a pp said - giving a gift without a card is very odd, and is like giving a gift without the wrapping paper on. It feels incomplete and odd.

Instead of judging people who like to receive a card as 'precious' and bratty and demanding, why don't you just accept that people are different to you, they like different things, and certain things mean something to them that don't mean anything to you.

Beautga · 22/01/2019 23:38

I feel you should have got your mum a card.I always went to tje trouble of finding the right verse for my mom.When my mum died in March i found out that she had kept every card since i was at school

expat101 · 23/01/2019 01:35

I'm an only child and that would be my Mum's style too, have it out for 5 seconds then off it goes to recycling or better still, as a fire starter.

Is your Mum fastidious over sending cards to other people?

ferrier · 23/01/2019 07:13

I may not handwrite the generic text in the card that I choose at the shops. But I make sure it is appropriate for the recipient and then I handwrite my extra greeting. And I sign it by hand of course. All of which makes it more personal than a Moonpig card imo.

Fresta · 23/01/2019 07:19

Cards are a lot more eco-friendly than most things we buy in this world!

blutoo · 23/01/2019 08:57

She sounds just like my mother! Let it go. She is being unreasonable since it's not as if you've forgotten her birthday or haven't organised presents or aren't concerned about her social life. Just say 'yes mum, the card is on it's way' or some such when she inevitably brings it up again. Don't let her pettiness ruin the day for either of you. And breathe. Tomorrow is another day - and not her birthday!

TheGirlWithAllTheFeathers · 23/01/2019 08:57

YANBU but if she wants a card, what's the harm? She wants to be spoiled on her birthday. You're just more practical.

jugjools · 23/01/2019 09:31

I’m only on page 2 so this may have been mentioned.
You sound similar to my sister - she doesn’t ‘do’ cards but she does for family birthdays, normally moon pig etc.
For my mum she makes an exception because she knows how important it is to my mum (age 70 for context) to receive a personally chosen card.
My mum and I are similar in that we’re happy to receive a card and not be upset without a gift.
I think you need to consider your audience when it comes to birthdays and other occasions as it’s the thought that counts

Aquilla · 23/01/2019 09:49

Old people like cards.

haloumi · 23/01/2019 09:53

She's 75 and she's fretting about a birthday card?

Christ on a bike! ..

forget about it...... FWP

ralfeesmum · 23/01/2019 11:08

"I wouldn't normally go that way but I might today looking for my card"?!?
Is she planning on ambushing any postie she happens to see on her travels?
Weirdy thing to say. IMHO she's being a bit petulant. But if she's 75 then I suppose it's a bit useless saying that it's time she grew up.

ICanOnlyApologise · 23/01/2019 11:42

Are you my long-lost sister?

sheldonstwin · 23/01/2019 11:51

She's being rude and ungrateful. I suspect that whatever you do, there's something wrong with it according to her.

YANBU

OVienna · 23/01/2019 11:53

What is think is extremely rude is someone responding to a comment regarding flowers being delivered to her with, essentially "Never mind that - where's the OTHER THING I want? You mean to tell me you've not gotten THAT?!" as opposed to "Thank you very much."

How is this not totally obnoxious?

OVienna · 23/01/2019 11:55

Fine - the OP misjudged the importance of a card to the mum. Card Army on this thread has explained how important they can be to people. She can learn from this in the future.

The mother was still ungrateful and rude.

Michellelovesizzy · 23/01/2019 12:05

Take ur flowers back get her a card

happyhillock · 23/01/2019 16:35

I would have got her a birthday card.

clippityclop · 23/01/2019 21:49

Buy a card. The soppiest one you can. Make her happy and keep the peace. Put a note in your diary to do the same each year from now on.

Catrina1234 · 23/01/2019 21:55

There are some spiteful comments on here but some nice ones. I'm 75 next month and would be mortified not to get cards. I keep the ones I really like and special birthday ones, like 75! OK some of you young women don't see the reason and people are right, the little florists card are no birthday cards. Had a quick scan back and many are saying you should have bought a birthday card and nit moonpig. Given her age she would probably like something conventional. You'll all be 75 one day that;s if nothing bad happens.

caringcarer · 24/01/2019 00:41

I think a lot of older people really like cards. My MiL gets very upset if her card is a day late in the post. My Mum used to love her cards too. I don't think it is too much trouble if it is for your Mum. Maybe she wants to display them.

When my Mum was very ill and I had my birthday shortly before she died I kept the last birthday card she sent me. Cards do mean a lot to some people and obviously your Mum is one of them. I would rather have a nice card than a bunch of roses.

KellyW88 · 24/01/2019 01:56

Christ I’m having flashbacks.

My DH and his Mum fell out over a Mother’s Day card delivered a day late because it was from Moonpig and they had delayed deliveries due to the sheer number of orders they had... it was even in the newspapers a few days later. Well MIL called him on Mother’s Day in the evening and let loose a tirade, “where’s my card?”, he explained the above, “then why haven’t you called me or posted on Facebook?”, he had only been home from work for about twenty minutes and he leaves his phone at home with me during the day as we only have one and I’m more likely to need it, he RARELY uses Fbook... despite his valid reasons he still apologised - a lot - because he didn’t like that he’d upset her. She branded his reasons as excuses, called him selfish and hung up. She didn’t contact him again for months (missing his 30th birthday card deliberately as payback).

It wasn’t until I stepped in and her husband did the same that they finally reconciled and boy did that take work!

Your mum is BU, YANBU in my opinion, flowers are a lovely gesture, more than most mums get!

gambaspilpil · 24/01/2019 07:40

KellyW88 are we from the same family Grin My OH failed to send his dad a birthday card despite me reminding him and all hell broke loose. No one actually said anything at the time, he did call and wish him happy birthday . However it was me that didn’t get a card on my birthday and when my OH mentioned it to his mum she said well she didn’t get ‘your’ father one. That led to a big argument and no one spoke for a year!