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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother and birthday card gate

407 replies

Whatdoesitmatteranyway · 21/01/2019 10:30

Just wondering who is being unreasonable here.

Today is my mums 75th. For her birthday she got an iPAD and I ordered a large bunch of roses with a card which are due to be delivered today.

I'm staying at hers monday-thursday for work reasons and got up this morning and wished her happy birthday.

She's going out for lunch with an uncle of mine which I didnt know about so I mentioned to her that flowers were going to be arriving and I hoped they arrived before she went out if not hopefully the neighbours would take them in.

First thing she said was "where's my card?"

I explained that there was a card on the flowers and I thought flowers were a nice gesture and that anyway in view cards are for when you can't give best wishes in person or if the recipient doesnt qualify for a present.

"Flowers are nice but a card would also be nice"

I phone her to warn her about road works she might get affected by and got "well I wouldn't normally go that way but I might today looking for my card".

I had planned not to bother sending cards anymore because they are a pain in the back side and end up in the bin - text messages/phone calls are better in my view.

Anyway looks like I'm going to have to continue at least as far as mothers concerned.

So AIBU for thinking flowers with a card is enough or is she for behaving like a petty toddler?

OP posts:
SistersResistingTheCisThing · 21/01/2019 11:06

And sorry but who could hear this (after you gave them a fucking iPad!) "well I wouldn't normally go that way but I might today looking for my card" and not think "well I'm not getting you a bloody card now"?

Or am I just a horrible person too? BlushGrin

TheNoodlesIncident · 21/01/2019 11:06

Yes, she'll bear a grudge that it wasn't waiting for her when she got up, going by your posts mentioning her previous form. The card the florist adds to the flowers are written by the florist and not you, so it doesn't count (from your mum's perspective, not mine).

My mum and MiL both strongly favour biggish cards, with a ribbon down the side, some ghastly floral artwork and a truly sickening pre-printed gushing blurb inside - MIL acts as though you penned this yourself, so it should declare they're the best mum to have existed in the universe ever. Most of all the card must declare the relationship between donor and recipient, lest ye forget you know. My mum's penchant for these kind of cards is getting worse, but if we get one that doesn't say Daughter-and-son-in-law then I'll know things are going awry with her.

This is just how they are. If it's important to them, then it's not too big a deal, even if it's not what you'd do for yourself.

Mabumssare · 21/01/2019 11:08

I don't see how people think she is being spoilt she didn't ask for the iPad. It doesn't sound like she has much family so won't get many cards she would may well have been very happy with a nice thoughtful card and the flowers or a much smaller gift. It's not always about how much money you spend it's about thinking what would make the other person happy.

lavenderhidcote · 21/01/2019 11:08

I agree that she is being petty in her response but personally I would also prefer a card from my daughter than a present. However I don't understand why she is making such a fuss if she does not display them, that is odd. I hope she doesn't keep giving you a hard time once you have given her the card, that would be pathetic of her.

HundoP · 21/01/2019 11:09

My Dad didn’t care about presents, he really valued cards though.

He kept all of tge cards he was ever sent until the day he died.

One day the iPad will be obselete and replaced, the flowers will wilt, die and be disposed - the card she can keep forever.

I get that you clash and you find her difficult but that doesn’t always mean she’s unreasonable to be upset, even if the way she expressed it seemed ungrateful.

scaryteacher · 21/01/2019 11:09

margot My mother is a PITA about stuff like this too, so I tick every fucking box and jump through every hoop, as the fallout is not worth it. She'll remember for a millennia the one thing you once didn't do and it's on repeat for the next millennia - regardless of all the stuff that you did remember! Do we share a mother? God forbid I ever get anything wrong as I hear about continually. She mentioned the other day that she still wasn't happy about the fact that I lived with dh before we got married in 1986. We have been married for 33 years this year and have been together for 34; you'd think she would have got over it by now, and the fact I didn't wear a bloody veil.

They do get odder as they age, especially if they've been on theri own for a while. My ds says he'll shoot me if I get like that.

Limpshade · 21/01/2019 11:12

I probably would have got her a card.

BUT she is also being petty about it.

I can see both sides. Lesson learnt. Roll your eyes and ignore any further comments from her but get her a card next year.

Side note: I lived in a foreign country for four years that shares Mother's Day with the US, and I still managed to send my mum a card for UK Mother's Day. I'm not sure what the problem was for you? You keep mentioning Moonpig; if you couldn't find anything suitable where you lived, why didn't you just order from there?

Original poster
Whatdoesitmatteranyway · 21/01/2019 11:12

What ever happens I know I'll never hear the end of it. The mother (as I refer to her amongst friends) will never admit she's wrong and will never ever ever apologise.

Last week she accused me of throwing out her CD's (which were covered in an inch of dust when I tidied her office) and when I "found" them for her exactly where I knew they were she refused to apologise. Said "well they were always on the top shelf".

To further illustrate her bloody mindedness - she is convinced that the slats on the right hand side of her dishwasher are smaller than the left because there are more of them and so she is convinced it can be only loaded a certain way.

I've stood with her with a ruler and measure them. 2.5cm slats on the right and 2.5cm slats on the left. There are more on the right because the center bar where they change direction is not in the middle of the rack and is over to the left.

She will not accept they are the same size despite the measurement exercise!

I suspect I will be suffering the fallout from card gate for many months to come.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatdoesitmatteranyway · 21/01/2019 11:14

For those who say why didn't I order the mothers day card from moonpig - the internet didn't really exist in 1994!

I know that is hard for some people to believe - life without the internet.

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 21/01/2019 11:14

YABVU. Giving isn’t about you and what you do or don’t want to give, it’s about the recipient and what they want.

Your mum wanted a card (and I’m pretty sure you’ll have known her feelings on cards), and one tiny little piece of card attached to a bunch of flowers doesn’t count.

You are being selfish, and if you usually get cards from moon pig etc. and don’t even bother with the hand write option on them I think you’re rather lazy too.

ifonly4 · 21/01/2019 11:14

I didn't receive a card from someone I'm close to last year and it hurt. They sent me a text message and gave me a present when they saw me, but to be honest it hurt and I'd have preferred a card to both to the these.

Not to late to turn it around, buy her one and give on your return, and explain why you're not giving cards any more.

GabsAlot · 21/01/2019 11:16

my df is like this you could buy hm a car ffs but if u havent got him a card he flips out

its also got to have the gushy words in it aswell othe4rwise whats the point apprently

nettie434 · 21/01/2019 11:16

It’s ok not to get a card if you are sending flowers and present I think. She has also been rude - she could have waited to say ‘the flowers are lovely but next year instead of flowers get me a card that I can keep’.

PuppyMonkey · 21/01/2019 11:16

OP, it doesn't matter if you do go out and get a card now, this will still go down in history as the day you didn't get her a card for her 75th birthday. I wouldn't bother and just see if she likes the flowers.

Angelicwings · 21/01/2019 11:16

You are hardly being unreasonable but I'd probably have sent a card in advance. I don't know if she's received the iPad yet or if you'll be giving it to her later but if she hasn't had it, she might be a little disappointed that she hasn't had (yet) card, flowers or present on her birthday morning. You mention that your uncle is taking her out.. is she on her own? (as in no DF/DP?) Maybe she's upset in general about turning 75. It does sound ungrateful of her but a lot of people especially of a letter-writing/postal generation as opposed to the younger, digital generation, set a lot of store by hand-chosen, hand-written and posted cards. A florists card to accompany the flowers (yet to arrive) isn't the same as an actual birthday card as it comes as standard with flowers.

I understand your frustration with her as my DM is somewhat the same but then I know that about her and so even though I'm not that bothered over cards myself, I want to make her happy so I do the posted card thing which has arrived in advance etc.

Transpeaked · 21/01/2019 11:17

What @costalife said. Your mother sounds manipulative and self absorbed: everything is about her and so she will take umbridge at the slightest perceived ‘slight’ - it’s a method of control. Personally, I’d ignore.

toomuchtooold · 21/01/2019 11:20

Don't worry about it OP, I suspect you got her just what she wanted, which was an opportunity to feel hard done by.

Oakmaiden · 21/01/2019 11:20

My mother in law was like this about cards. didn't really care about the present, but loved to read a carefully chosen card. The ickier the poetry inside the better.

You learn to roll with it.

HundoP · 21/01/2019 11:20

You actually measured the dishwasher... that’s - not right....

You call her “The Mother” amongst friends? Really?

And you “tidied her office” - did she ask? Did you ask her if you could rearrange her stuff?

You moved her CDs (perhaps she was ok with the “fluff” from where they’d been for years, can you not see how that could be disconcerting?

She’s 75, not uncommon to be set in her ways, maybe her response was out of anxiety that all of her stuff had been rummaged through, judged and moved!

I wouldn’t like it and I’m half her age!

She may well be bloody minded, never admit wrongdoing or apologise, but the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree!

Original poster
Whatdoesitmatteranyway · 21/01/2019 11:21

She was given the iPAD last weekend - so well in advance.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 21/01/2019 11:22

I think YABU. The point of cards is not whether the person sending likes them, but whether the person receiving likes them. You know your mother likes cards, so I think it was stupid not to get her one in this instance. The cards that come with flowers are not real cards.
If she'd said, 'Oh, let's not bother with cards any more', fine. But for you to just decide that without discussion was unreasonable.

Btw, I know my mother cares a lot about cards, so when I was living in the US, I still made sure to send her a card on UK Mothers' Day, even if I had to get a bit creative to find something suitable. Giving presents and sending cards means thinking about what the other person would like, not what's convenient for you.

Juells · 21/01/2019 11:22

Christ on a bike, some people are like children. Presents and messages, but no card and they're hurt? FFS I couldn't be doing with that kind of neediness and emotional control.

Original poster
Whatdoesitmatteranyway · 21/01/2019 11:23

Yes I call her "The mother" but I call DH "The Wife" or "The Boy" depending on who I'm talking to.

And yes, I measured the dishwasher - how else could I try to prove that it didnt matter which side the dinner plates went on - the slats were exactly to the same to someone who was convinced they werent.

And even then she won't admit they are the same.

OP posts:
Angelicwings · 21/01/2019 11:24

Also, can everyone here say that they've never had a card that made them happy, that if their DP/DH didn't buy a card they wouldn't mind or notice a jot, or that if they never received a birthday or Christmas (or whatever celebration is important to them that generally has cards to go with it) card again from anyone they wouldn't care or notice in the slightest?

The way OP's DM has expressed her feelings might not be right/the best but I don't think it makes OP right. Or if it does, yes OP has the right not to send posted handwritten card, but OP had a fair idea it would make her DM unhappy.

Not that I am saying OP's DM is right to express in the way she has but that there are two sides here.

Iamdanish · 21/01/2019 11:24

Admittedly i don't get the British card thing 😀, but you wouldn't accept this behavior from your children regarding gifts, atleast i wouldn't.
It is a very spoilt and childish attitude imo.
In future you should always remember the card, but flowers and huge gifts, no way.
You have tried your best, I would have loved this 😄.

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