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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother and birthday card gate

407 replies

Whatdoesitmatteranyway · 21/01/2019 10:30

Just wondering who is being unreasonable here.

Today is my mums 75th. For her birthday she got an iPAD and I ordered a large bunch of roses with a card which are due to be delivered today.

I'm staying at hers monday-thursday for work reasons and got up this morning and wished her happy birthday.

She's going out for lunch with an uncle of mine which I didnt know about so I mentioned to her that flowers were going to be arriving and I hoped they arrived before she went out if not hopefully the neighbours would take them in.

First thing she said was "where's my card?"

I explained that there was a card on the flowers and I thought flowers were a nice gesture and that anyway in view cards are for when you can't give best wishes in person or if the recipient doesnt qualify for a present.

"Flowers are nice but a card would also be nice"

I phone her to warn her about road works she might get affected by and got "well I wouldn't normally go that way but I might today looking for my card".

I had planned not to bother sending cards anymore because they are a pain in the back side and end up in the bin - text messages/phone calls are better in my view.

Anyway looks like I'm going to have to continue at least as far as mothers concerned.

So AIBU for thinking flowers with a card is enough or is she for behaving like a petty toddler?

OP posts:
GoGoGadgetGin · 21/01/2019 13:00

Is it too late to do this?!

My mother and birthday card gate
BitOutOfPractice · 21/01/2019 13:01

My mom (similar age) would also be disappointed not to get a card. She wouldn't behave like this though

InfiniteVariety · 21/01/2019 13:02

One of the difficulties is that it changes from year to year because it is the 3rd Sunday in Lent and you don't see the cards in the shops to prompt you to remember!

Purplecatshopaholic · 21/01/2019 13:02

She is getting a card. Its coming with the flowers. She sounds diva-like and frankly a PITA, Ignore

InSightMars · 21/01/2019 13:02

Thing is we can call it a ridiculous fuss over something so little, but since it is something so little but obviously so important to them why not just do it and avoid the inevitable ridiculous fuss? Or would many here rather be right than happy? It’s her birthday, she likes a card, OP knows she likes a card but inexplicably didn’t do the one thing that her mother would like on her birthday and then compounded it with a pointless argument about the dishwasher? iPads and flowers, diamonds and Ferraris, you can throw as much money as you like at people but it doesn’t excuse being inconsiderate in other ways.

crimsonrose19 · 21/01/2019 13:08

The fact that she fell out with you for 3 months because of a card for mother’s day tells us all we need to know. Yanbu.

Mrstraveller · 21/01/2019 13:10

InSightMars

I do feel you are right about this and my mum gave me the same wise advice one year...it feels like a trap that my husband always manages to fall into though.

There are 2 of his family birthdays this month. So far I know he has bought the cards, we always have stamps in the house, last night I heard him asking his mum on the 'phone for his sister's address (she must have lived in the same house for at least 20 years)..so it seems to be happening..

mummyhaschangedhername · 21/01/2019 13:12

Older people seem to get weird about cards, my Nana went absolutely crazy in my mother for giving her a card ON her birthday because she believes she should have had it the night before. Which my mum always does but they were up the hospital with my other Gran turning off life-support the night before. When my mum pointed that out, my Grandfather kicked in, but the bloody woman is dead and this is your mothers birthday you should have considered her. She still alive at 91 and now even more unreasonable.

hellojason · 21/01/2019 13:15

It's not just about the card though, is it? There's a tension between you two and the card issue is where it surfaces.

As others have said, blank cards have been available for years prior to the internet if you'd wanted to send something from abroad. Moonpig style cards aren't liked by all and a small florist card which you haven't even written on doesn't cut the mustard. You can either pander to her preferences here or make it another source of grievance.

scaryteacher · 21/01/2019 13:17

Margot Infinite Your mum is not a PITA for being upset that you didn’t get her a mother’s day card. I have sent a Mother's Day card saying just that, and got huffed at for a year because it did nor say' Mothering Sunday'. If I see 'Mothering Sunday' cards, I bulk buy and hope she's still alive if I've bought 5.

We also have 'competitive carding'. 'I got xxx many Christmas cards, you only got 'y' 'I sent xxxx number of cards - what, I wish I could get away with the 38 you send', dramatic sigh and flexing of the writing hand. Pained look at the cost of stamps. Every Bloody Year.

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 21/01/2019 13:18

Maybe she realises you can order flowers without leaving your house and pretty late too (its always my fall back!)

Tara336 · 21/01/2019 13:18

Older people can be so weird about cards. I had my own cardgate one Father’s Day, turned up card and present in hand and they were out! I considered popping card through the letterbox but wasn’t sure what to do with the gift and as it looked like rain I decided rather than risk leaving it by the door I’d try again later. Que angry phone calls from DM that she was disgusted with me, how my DF had waited in all day and I’d not shown up and what an awful person i am! Bare in mind I’m not an OC and DB doesn’t bother with cards, gifts or even a text message on any special day

HoraceCope · 21/01/2019 13:19

My mum would definitely sulk if she didnt get a card

babysharkah · 21/01/2019 13:22

The florist card isn't a card though is it? I can see her POV to be honest.

LadyinLavende · 21/01/2019 13:22

@Mabumssare Mon 21-Jan-19 10:44:35

See I know my mum would probably be happy with a nice thoughtful card without the presents as it's personal.

Also as a mum I would be a bit hurt not to get a mother's day card more so with you being far away and unable to visit. You could have bought a plain card and written a mothers day message or made your own card that would have been very thoughtful and even nicer.

OK, just off the top of your head without looking it up, can you tell us the precise date of Mothering Sunday in the UK this year?
No, I thought not.
The vast majority of people only know that it's Mothering Sunday because all the shops have promotional stuff on display for weeks beforehand.
It's never the same date two years running as it moves like Easter does - and is actually on the fourth Sunday in Lent in the UK.
Last year it was on the 11th March.... this year it will be the 31st of March.
For those of us who don't live in the UK but who have mothers who do there is a real danger of not actually realising that you need to get a card in the post!

OP, your mother is being a spoilt brat.

tryinganewname · 21/01/2019 13:22

I think you sound a bit shit to be honest.. you know she likes cards but yet couldn't be bothered to get her a Mother's Day card and still didn't learn from that lesson and didn't get her a birthday card.

A card from the florist isn't the same. No thought whatsoever.

I also think Moonpig cards can be a bit of a copout too (don't get me wrong, I've used them when I've not had the time to go out and get one!) but they are essentially blank cards too. There's only so many times you can send a card with photos on it IMO.

StartedEarly · 21/01/2019 13:26

Cards matter to some people.
My mum loves to display and count all her cards. At 85 there isn't much she wants as presents but she does like a card!
I have been trying to explain this to my 23year old DD who never send cards and didn't send her grandmother one. Not sure if that's a thing with their generation, none of her friends send each other cards.

PattiStanger · 21/01/2019 13:29

You're kidding tryanewname surely, the OP has bought and ipad and arranged for flowers and you think she's a bit shit because she didn't send a card which is going to go in the bin in a couple of days?

The DM sounds like a controlling nightmare imo

Veganforlife · 21/01/2019 13:33

I've got in my wallet a credit card sized thingie that says to the best mum in the world ,and some beautiful writing on it...it came in card from my daughter and I treasure it...clintons cards I think it came from.i bet your mum would love one from you in a card x

BreconBeBuggered · 21/01/2019 13:33

She likes to get a card. Why couldn't you have just picked up a card in the supermarket if you didn't have time to look around card shops? Yes, it's childish to make a big thing about it, but on the other hand it's not a big ask, is it? It's a pretty uncontroversial thing to do; it's not the same as pandering to other ridiculous whims.

Sirzy · 21/01/2019 13:33

Cards are more important than the present to some. It sounds like the op was aware of how important they are to her mum yet ignored this which isn’t nice.

explodingkitten · 21/01/2019 13:34

I'd be tempted to only get her a card next year...

TenForward82 · 21/01/2019 13:37

Can anyone on mn read any more? One poster says op is far away when op said she STAYS AT HER MOTHER'S MON-THURS. And loads of others saying she hadn't bought a card when she had but its coming with the flowers.

Have we been invaded by illiterates?

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 21/01/2019 13:38

You're kidding tryanewname surely, the OP has bought and ipad and arranged for flowers and you think she's a bit shit because she didn't send a card which is going to go in the bin in a couple of days?

Not that it matters, but I thought the OP was a man.

Babdoc · 21/01/2019 13:40

OP, your mother is a manipulative shit who is looking for ways to trip you up and finding things for you to fail at, to give her the upper hand or moral high ground.
I think you are probably already well aware of this. Your relationship with her is not a normal mother daughter affectionate one, it is grimly combative.
Any normal loving mother would have enthused over the very generous presents and not mentioned the card. As a PP said, you gave her exactly what she wanted - an excuse for a moan and a fight.
I’d stop bothering, frankly. There is no pleasing this woman. Cutting you off for 3 months after Mothering Sunday was ample demonstration of her emotional manipulation.