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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother and birthday card gate

407 replies

Whatdoesitmatteranyway · 21/01/2019 10:30

Just wondering who is being unreasonable here.

Today is my mums 75th. For her birthday she got an iPAD and I ordered a large bunch of roses with a card which are due to be delivered today.

I'm staying at hers monday-thursday for work reasons and got up this morning and wished her happy birthday.

She's going out for lunch with an uncle of mine which I didnt know about so I mentioned to her that flowers were going to be arriving and I hoped they arrived before she went out if not hopefully the neighbours would take them in.

First thing she said was "where's my card?"

I explained that there was a card on the flowers and I thought flowers were a nice gesture and that anyway in view cards are for when you can't give best wishes in person or if the recipient doesnt qualify for a present.

"Flowers are nice but a card would also be nice"

I phone her to warn her about road works she might get affected by and got "well I wouldn't normally go that way but I might today looking for my card".

I had planned not to bother sending cards anymore because they are a pain in the back side and end up in the bin - text messages/phone calls are better in my view.

Anyway looks like I'm going to have to continue at least as far as mothers concerned.

So AIBU for thinking flowers with a card is enough or is she for behaving like a petty toddler?

OP posts:
PeachyPeachTrees · 22/01/2019 19:38

The type of person who spends ages in a card shop browsing the selection is also the type of person who will spend ages deciding on what is on their Moonpig card. I spend time deciding which photo to upload, which layout and style. The the font size, colour and style. Just as much time and thought can go into an online card as one bought in a shop!

Helmetbymidnight · 22/01/2019 19:38

Ah a store with a good card selection where you can pick a great generic verse.

Now that is the height of thoughtfulness.
Grin

Blendingrock · 22/01/2019 19:40

Wow who'd have thought that such a simple start to a thread could have got quite so .... involved!

OP you've done all you can, don't give it another thought.

Just as an aside, I've noticed that as people age, they get more unreasonable - and it IS like they regress to a 2nd childhood - or certainly to a selfish teenager. My MIL is 77 and lives a long way away from us, and is not really up to speed with txts etc so we do try to call her as often as we can, but we're busy and time slips past unnoticed sometimes. The last time we rang we were frostily informed that it was 10 weeks since we had called her last, to which my lovely hubby replied that he was terribly sorry, and hadn't realised that her phone was on the blink and could only receive calls and not make them and he'd fix it next time he was down there! Fortunately she did see the funny side, albeit grudgingly. Grin

LouH1981 · 22/01/2019 19:43

I probably would have sent a card but that’s because our family are big on cards and we also tend to keep them if from family or close friends.
However, it does seem that you have been very considerate by ordering the flowers so it’s not as if you haven’t made any effort. I don’t think there is any need for her to go on about it xx

MachineBee · 22/01/2019 19:43

I can’t believe how many people are siding with your DM OP. You sound like a very caring DD and have got your priorities right to buy her something you know she will enjoy, to change your work to support her with her operations, to buy her flowers and to help her with housework etc while you’re staying with her.

Btw - we call my MIL the mother module and we care a lot about her.

pollyglot · 22/01/2019 19:44

I don't get this British obsession with birthday cards. When I lived in the UK, I planned a really special birthday treat for my exP, we had a lovely day, but he sulked about not getting a card from me! Surely a card is just an expression of esteem/love/friendship, as is a gift or a remembrance of any sort? It's easy to pick up a cheap card and write a few words. Planning a day/gift which shows real thought and consideration says far more.

cherish123 · 22/01/2019 19:45

Did you buy her the iPad? If so, she is being v reasonable. She is not unreasonable to expect a card but once you explain it was with the flowers, there is no need for her to moan. Cards are a bit of a pain. If you buy someone an expensive present and you don't give a card, it's not really a big deal.

birdsandroses · 22/01/2019 19:47

It has taken me years to understand how much my mum treasures a card, so now I just buy one as it means a lot to her and her birthday is about what she wants.

Londonmamabychance · 22/01/2019 19:52

Sounds like the issue at hand is more about your mums personality and your relationship w her than the card itself. I sympathise, as my mum Is getting increasingly senstive and difficulty w age, too. Nothing much will probaly come out of arguing w her about it, just resign yourself to her being difficult, take precautions to protect your own mental health from her behaviour and grin and bear it around her, is my best advice.

mywigwamneedsnewflaps · 22/01/2019 19:53

Sounds like you don't really like her much
I would have got a card , cards often mean much more than presents to some people, the card that comes with florists flowers don't really count as they are typed and not chosen by giver , so quite impersonal

BlueJag · 22/01/2019 19:55

Poor you I hate wasting money on cards. My mil can't do without them. She talks about them like they are better than the present. Confused

BlueJag · 22/01/2019 20:00

@dontpanik fortunately not all Brits are obsessed with cards.
I think they are a waste of money.

Fresta · 22/01/2019 20:03

How is it a waste of money if the recipient gets pleasure from the card?

caribbean2014 · 22/01/2019 20:09

Cards are important to older people, My Grandmothers and my mother kept their cards, it’s the way people showed how much you are cared for in the past when they were young, the world has moved on, but does it really hurt to indulge an older person who remembers a different time, she is being kind to you, letting you stay to suit your needs

Helmetbymidnight · 22/01/2019 20:21

She’s staying there to help her mum - her mum who throws away her cards without displaying them - but other than that, great post.

Tistheseason17 · 22/01/2019 20:35

OP - FWIW, it would be fine by me if you gave me flowers with the cards that comes with them.

My dad and I are shocking at remembering cards - it does not mean I love him any less and I speak to him cause I love him. Card/no card - does not affect our love for each other - we have a good chuckle about it and talk about how good for the environment we are!

p.s. if I gave him an i-Pad I am not quite sure if he would be able to work it out! Your mum is smart and knows what she's doing, PITA.

BlueJag · 22/01/2019 20:48

@Fresta they are so expensive and quite frankly not very eco friendly.
I always ask my friends not to buy me cards and they know I won't buy one for them.
I only buy them if I'm going to put money inside. I prefer to spend more on the gift than on the card.
We only buy for Mil but that's all.

Commonpeoplelikeme · 22/01/2019 21:01

I can’t believe people can’t believe she didn’t get her a card.

Cheeeeislifenow · 22/01/2019 21:01

The amount of people who don't read the thread
She doesn't keep cards they go out on the next bin day
Op bought her the I pad and dm was very grateful and uses it lots.
The op chose the message on the card with the flowers
Oh and I spend ages on moonpig cards because I do photo collages that are relevant to the person.
How is that less personal than a. Generic one from tesco.?

patq1967 · 22/01/2019 21:17

sorry but you are very wrong she is 75 she wants a card to wish her a happy birthday just as happened for the past 74 years just to make her happy

swisspookie · 22/01/2019 21:27

This is a real eye-opener! I had no idea people could be so anti-cards. I hate a stand-alone ‘happy birthday’ text because there is no forethought involved. In my head, if people care about someone they will be thoughtful - and going to the trouble of sending a hand-picked card is a hundred times nicer than a hurried text or FB message. I don’t get excited about whether I’ll get a few texts on my special day, but I do look forward to what might come in the post. I’ll still be like that when I’m 75 and I hope all my friends (and DSs) know it.

ManOfKent · 22/01/2019 21:30

I always like to give cards too, present or not, but I can understand why you didn't - especially with the very generous iPad and flowers. However, I have six sisters and 5 are OK with a call and Happy Birthday sung down the telephone, but the 6th sister MUST have a card. I know this and I always make sure she gets her card and it's on time.
Everyone is different. I think a hug and an apology to your elderly Mum and a promise that you'll always get her a card in the future should solve the issue.
If it doesn't she's an unforgiving old baggage and you're on a hiding to nothing, so move on and forget about it.

BlueMoodComing · 22/01/2019 21:34

I think it's a generational thing.
My parents are the same. They would prefer to receive a card (preferably with a nice verse in it) than a gift.
You'll know for next time.

delboysskinandblister · 22/01/2019 21:49

I am 42 and I very much appreciate birthday cards! It's the thought and extra care and time taken that counts. It's once a year Confused.

2019Dancerz · 22/01/2019 21:59

I don’t think I’ve ever given someone a present without a card. It would feel like not wrapping the gift, just off somehow