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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother and birthday card gate

407 replies

Whatdoesitmatteranyway · 21/01/2019 10:30

Just wondering who is being unreasonable here.

Today is my mums 75th. For her birthday she got an iPAD and I ordered a large bunch of roses with a card which are due to be delivered today.

I'm staying at hers monday-thursday for work reasons and got up this morning and wished her happy birthday.

She's going out for lunch with an uncle of mine which I didnt know about so I mentioned to her that flowers were going to be arriving and I hoped they arrived before she went out if not hopefully the neighbours would take them in.

First thing she said was "where's my card?"

I explained that there was a card on the flowers and I thought flowers were a nice gesture and that anyway in view cards are for when you can't give best wishes in person or if the recipient doesnt qualify for a present.

"Flowers are nice but a card would also be nice"

I phone her to warn her about road works she might get affected by and got "well I wouldn't normally go that way but I might today looking for my card".

I had planned not to bother sending cards anymore because they are a pain in the back side and end up in the bin - text messages/phone calls are better in my view.

Anyway looks like I'm going to have to continue at least as far as mothers concerned.

So AIBU for thinking flowers with a card is enough or is she for behaving like a petty toddler?

OP posts:
Romanmonkey · 21/01/2019 20:49

But you knew she values cards, as mentioned about the Mother’s Day card. Would it have been so hard just to buy one? And a florist one doesn’t count, that’s basically a gift card. It doesn’t actually sound like you particularly like your mum. Assuming there’s a big back story there.

Romanmonkey · 21/01/2019 20:49

Gift label I mean.

crimsonrose19 · 21/01/2019 20:53

She doesn't value cards, she bins them.

HAMGina · 21/01/2019 21:17

crimsonrose19
She doesn't value cards, she bins them

You seem fixed on this as if fact- may I ask where you got that info?

I can't find any reference to the OP saying that.

In her first post she says that she the OP doesn't like cards cos they end up in the bin - I took that to mean the OP bins the cards she received- not that her Mum bins the cards that are given to her.

None of us bar her Mum knows what she does with them.

We discovered a lifetime's worth of cards when clearing a loved ones house - we never realised how much they meant to them - the cards were never on display but obviously very much cherished.

HAMGina · 21/01/2019 21:20

I'd be tempted to swap her ipad for a card!

Maybe OP's Mum would have much preferred that.

The price of everything and the value of nothing seems to be a strong motif on this thread.

delboysskinandblister · 21/01/2019 21:23

@streetwisehercules
Exactly! Smile

@crimson rose She does appreciate receiving cards. If she wants to bin them 2 days later that's up to her its not for anyone to measure how long she keeps the cards.

Cheeeeislifenow · 21/01/2019 21:29

*crimsonrose19
She doesn't value cards, she bins them

You seem fixed on this as if fact- may I ask where you got that info?

I can't find any reference to the OP saying that.

In her first post she says that she the OP doesn't like cards cos they end up in the bin - I took that to mean the OP bins the cards she received- not that her Mum bins the cards that are given to her.

None of us bar her Mum knows what she does with them.

We discovered a lifetime's worth of cards when clearing a loved ones house - we never realised how much they meant to them - the cards were never on display but obviously very much cherished.*

Op said that she doesn't display them and they go in the next recycling day collection.

Cheeeeislifenow · 21/01/2019 21:30

@Streetwisehercules Exactly. ^ Why should anyone be super grateful for something (expensive) that they didn't even ask for?! 

Because op stated she uses it for hours every day..and the old one wasn't working properly.

HAMGina · 21/01/2019 21:31

Ah, ok but delboysskinandblister's point is still very valid.

She does appreciate receiving cards. If she wants to bin them 2 days later that's up to her its not for anyone to measure how long she keeps the cards

Original poster
Whatdoesitmatteranyway · 21/01/2019 21:35

Sorry I’ve been AWOL so to set some things straight

For the record - she did want and appreciate the iPad

Does everyone always ask for a birthday present and not expect people to use their initiative?

And no, I’m not a super model I work freelance in IT project management.

I accept that I should have got her a card and that has now been rectified.

OP posts:
macmacaroon · 21/01/2019 22:30

Cards are so much nicer than anything electronic imo.

crimsonrose19 · 21/01/2019 22:41

cheeseislife

01:41
“And for the record, she’s doesn’t keep or display the cards. They sit in a pile on her table until the next recycling day (which is Wednesday) and they go out with the recycling.”

Doesn’t sound like the actions of someone who values cards. Why the hell am i fixated, i’m sick of people saying she values card she when she clearly doesnt.

Yearofthemum · 21/01/2019 22:44

What a load of nonsense from an unreasonable birthday recipient!

MoseShrute · 21/01/2019 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrameyMcFrame · 21/01/2019 22:49

She's being petty but old people do get like this.

I've learned to just nod and agree with my elderly mum when she gets a bee in her bonnet about stuff like this....

Nunya · 21/01/2019 22:52

Mabumssare

I don't see how people think she is being spoilt she didn't ask for the iPad. It doesn't sound like she has much family so won't get many cards she would may well have been very happy with a nice thoughtful card and the flowers or a much smaller gift. It's not always about how much money you spend it's about thinking what would make the other person happy.

Seriously? I’m with you OP! She’s being ungrateful. I would also go out and buy one of those huge, obnoxious, over-sized birthday cards to hand deliver to her.

Cheeeeislifenow · 21/01/2019 22:58

@crimson
I had a bold fail,re read my post I agreed with you

KC225 · 21/01/2019 23:01

It's not you, its here.

An neighbour of mine recently retired was moaning about her stepson's girlfriend not getting them a Christmas card. How she came to collect the presents for the grandson but didn't even get them a card. I thought this was odd, the GF had stayed friendly with the grandparents even when their feckless son had abandoned her and didn't pay a penny maintenance.

When I went over there, on display were two adorable framed photographs of the grandson - one of them cuddling their spoilt cat. Neighbour said they were Christmas presents from the GF and grandson, but quickly added 'No Christmas card though'

KC225 · 21/01/2019 23:02

It's not you, its HER

IceBearRocks · 21/01/2019 23:02

You mum sounds like mine!!!! She moaned that she didn't get a mother's Day card and we were all in Dominican Republic where I was getting married.... Ermmmm did I pack, passport, rings, veil, suit ..... mother's Day card !!!
Held it against me for years ...my brother remembered...he was there too...I said he only had to pack for a holiday
..not organise a wedding!!!!
Anyhoo...mum is dead now ....big guilt...but enjoy the massive pain in the arse because you really do miss Thier shit when they are gone !!!

Purplecatshopaholic · 21/01/2019 23:07

Blimey OP, some people on here are brutal. I would be tempted to take the iPad away and get her a card - would save you a bit and she apparently wants a card more. WTAF? No way would I take her shit over this!! No sodding way! If she doesnt like it, tough

timetoriseandshine · 21/01/2019 23:10

I have this exact same petty bullshit with my MIL, I don't send one now for the previous attitude I've had over the last one, if my DP thinks to remember then so be it but I will not be

scaryteacher · 21/01/2019 23:18

newname I can't believe some of the vitriol on this thread that people are spewing about their mothers and other female relatives. How sad. sad You will all be old one day, and I hope your children/younger family members have a better attitude towards YOU, than you have towards YOUR mother and older family members now. hmm

When you have had decades of everything being picked apart, especially as your parent ages, you might feel differently. Just when you think you've cracked it, there is that little PA dig/throwaway comment that makes a mockery of all your efforts. My ds (23) seethes every time my Mum comes to stay and has to be told to keep schtum, as otherwise the fallout from him telling her what he really thinks would be very unpleasant. My dh finds it hard to keep quiet as well, and he is very tolerant.

Don't judge before you've experienced it. In many cases it is a function of the older person having lived alone for a long time - almost 29 years in the case of my mother, and they are unused to having to consider others. Having driven from Belgium to the Devon/Cornwall borders to pick her up as she dislikes Eurostar in 2017, she announced that she considered it the height of rudeness to have the radio on in the car if you had a passenger. I had been looking forward to listening to Classic FM and the carols on the long drive back to Dover. Instead we sat in stony silence for 6 hours.

Most of the time I roll my eyes and shrug my shoulders, but there are times when I could just scream very loudly.

user1497787065 · 22/01/2019 01:39

So you've bought an iPad and flowers and your mother is kicking up because you haven't bought a birthday card? Just a gift card. How ungrateful.

I don't understand the card obsession. The need to buy a card, write in it, hand it over in person, say just what you have written in the card for the card to sit on a shelf and be binned a day later? Madness

I encourage my family to not buy me cards or presents, a complete waste of their money.

My mother would complain to me that I only kept the cards I did receive up for one day. My argument was that the clue is there - birthDAY

Aquamarine1029 · 22/01/2019 05:13

Your mum is a massive pain in the arse. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Christ. What a headache.