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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother and birthday card gate

407 replies

Whatdoesitmatteranyway · 21/01/2019 10:30

Just wondering who is being unreasonable here.

Today is my mums 75th. For her birthday she got an iPAD and I ordered a large bunch of roses with a card which are due to be delivered today.

I'm staying at hers monday-thursday for work reasons and got up this morning and wished her happy birthday.

She's going out for lunch with an uncle of mine which I didnt know about so I mentioned to her that flowers were going to be arriving and I hoped they arrived before she went out if not hopefully the neighbours would take them in.

First thing she said was "where's my card?"

I explained that there was a card on the flowers and I thought flowers were a nice gesture and that anyway in view cards are for when you can't give best wishes in person or if the recipient doesnt qualify for a present.

"Flowers are nice but a card would also be nice"

I phone her to warn her about road works she might get affected by and got "well I wouldn't normally go that way but I might today looking for my card".

I had planned not to bother sending cards anymore because they are a pain in the back side and end up in the bin - text messages/phone calls are better in my view.

Anyway looks like I'm going to have to continue at least as far as mothers concerned.

So AIBU for thinking flowers with a card is enough or is she for behaving like a petty toddler?

OP posts:
Claudia1980 · 22/01/2019 05:20

She is quite clearly a CF. Just like my MIL who cried that no one sent her a birthday card. She was on holiday in Greece for Christ sakes! And she was wanting us to feel sorry for her!! Unbelievable.

countrygirl99 · 22/01/2019 07:07

I get it OP. It was ILs diamond wedding recently. We organised ( and paid for) a lovely afternoon tea at a nice hotel with family and friends.to celebrate. We also arranged a card from the Queen. We could have saved £100s and just sorted the card.

comebacksoonsusan · 22/01/2019 08:24

Cards are so much nicer than anything electronic imo.

Can't read MN on a card though, eh.

LadyFlangeWidget · 22/01/2019 17:28

Inky child ? Love it Blush

OVienna · 22/01/2019 17:29

She's a CF, and I have similar to deal with in terms of how holidays 'should' be celebrated. Some people are obsessed by cards though. Pre-prepared sayings etc, so meaningful (not). You have my sympathies.

peachdribble · 22/01/2019 17:30

I can’t believe people are calling a 75 year old a brat for wanting a birthday card. I lost my mum some years ago and honestly every year is precious. Maybe she’ll like whatever card comes with the flowers, but there’s something special about a card in your loved one’s handwriting. Yabu

Leapfrog44 · 22/01/2019 17:33

She sounds a nightmare!

Mmest75 · 22/01/2019 17:36

I think it’s a generational thing, my mum was obsessed with cards and all the words etc ... Grin

bubblegumunicorn · 22/01/2019 17:36

I sometimes think where mums are concerned they have earned the right to be a bit petty in this area I remember my mum getting upset at a mother’s day gift one year and that’s when it clicked as a single parent she had always given me money to buy her a present as my dad wasn’t around to A buy her anything an B help me buy something and when I was earning money I really began to get that sacrifice and to me getting her something I know she will love is a top priority for her as she sacrificed so much for me! So I think although she is being petty she has also earned that right over the years! It’s a big big birthday for her and she might not get as many cards as she used too! Not everyone makes it 75!

EllenMP · 22/01/2019 17:36

Some people are very hung up on cards, and consider them some sort of important social requirement. Personally, I think they are kind of a waste of paper, and I only send them to my parents on mothers day and fathers day. But my husband is scrupulous about sending birthday cards to nieces and nephews, etc. He thinks it is important and terrible manners to forget. So he would be with your mother on this. I say if the card is so important remember it next time. It's a little thing that appears to mean a lot to her. As for this year, hopefully she will stop when your card arrives, still on her birthday. You did a lot of nice things. You are a good daughter.

Helmetbymidnight · 22/01/2019 17:37

I lost my mum many years ago but fortunately I never lost empathy with friends or people on mn who have tricky or difficult parents.

I’m sure ops mum treasures her daughters cards even though she just piles them up, and quickly stuffs them in recycling. It’s the thought that counts though, right.

thatmakesmehappy · 22/01/2019 17:40

My mum is like this about cards, in fact she always says she would rather have a nice card than a gift. As your mum has previous for being like this about things, I would probably have pre-empted it and got one, just to avoid the grief.
She is being petty, but it could have been avoided as she’s done it before.

manicmij · 22/01/2019 17:43

Get her a card, take the flowers when you get in and tell her she obviously isn't bothered about flowers so you are going to give them to and nursing home or someplace else you can think of. Ungrateful or what!!

PattiStanger · 22/01/2019 17:44

Cards are so much nicer than anything electronic imo

Nicer than any single electronic thing? That's just wierd imo, if the device you're typing your posts on broke near your birthday you'd rather have a card for a couple of ££ than a new device?

OVienna · 22/01/2019 17:45

People who don't have demanding parents also don't get that it's generally not a question of just doing this one thing, i.e. sending a card that they say is important to them. It's that the sands shift and they are unpredictable with the details. The only thing you can be certain of is expectation to make things perfect for them - you may or may not succeed, despite best efforts.

Gilld69 · 22/01/2019 17:46

i love my cards and i love sending cards its more about spending ages choosing the right one and reading the verses , i miss buying my mum cards as she loved her cards too id rather have a card than a gift anyday , im 50 this year and all i want ìs a nice heartfelt card

Gilld69 · 22/01/2019 17:48

oh and i never throw a family card away

MrsBombastic · 22/01/2019 17:49

  1. she's 75 and she likes a card, for her generation it's a big issue, they read the actual words and everything (unlike us who go by the nicest picture).
    And as another person said, texts and emails are not a suitable alternative to a card: that's utterly lazy and part of what's wrong with society: no real effort anymore.

  2. when you say you got her a card with the flowers I assume you mean the tiny squares of cardboard that say Happy Birthday, Best Wishes etc?
    If so, that is NOT a birthday card.

  3. you say she has "form" and was upset you forgot Mothers Day when you lived in the States due to MD being at a different time of year: that's an excuse on your part.
    If you can use Moon Pig to send her a card in the UK you can access a card, even if you buy 2 cards each year so you have one for the following year or find someone who makes them: crafts are big in the US.

Unless you are not telling us the whole story it looks like the only person who has form is YOU.

She's your elderly mother and if all she wants is a card from her daughter then what's the issue?
I'm also wondering why you bought her an iPad? It's not your normal gift for an elderly woman: I'm some would like it but I'm also sure they're in the minority.

I don't understand why you will buy her a ridiculously expensive gadget she's unlikely to want but you object to buying her a nice card you could pick up for a quid?

You've bought her things YOU want her to have rather than what SHE wants and that speaks volumes: this is all about you when it should be about her.

Mrsmadevans · 22/01/2019 17:52

I understand your irritation but going by my own Mum she really likes to have a card to put out on display for others to see

user1482956724 · 22/01/2019 17:54

My mum loves a nice card. As do I. We both hate the moonpig printed text cards. I take pleasure in finding her a nice card with appropriate words. I then also write her a nice message.

It doesn't matter if she bins it in a few days, that card is more important to her than any of the gifts I buy her. My mum is 76 and won't be around forever, she dedicated her life to bringing me up, why wouldn't I put the effort in to doing something for her that I know she loves. That generation values thoughts and consideration over money, well everyone I've ever know of that generation has.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 22/01/2019 17:56

Personally I don’t give two hoots about the cards, waste of paper. Unless it’s a hand made kids card.
Mil is the same with cards, lots of old people are.
I often take a nice photo of the kids now and send it as a post card from photo box or similar. At least it’s kept.

BGD2012 · 22/01/2019 17:57

She sounds hard work. Passive aggressive!

lily2403 · 22/01/2019 17:57

I find old people really like cards my Nan goes in a big huff if I don’t give her birthday, Easter. Christmas cards etc. It’s a pain as I would rather spend the money on the present.

Catsinthecupboard · 22/01/2019 17:58

When giving a gift, you think of the receiver, NOT yourself when it's a small, affordable gift.

My dh's family places great value on gifts, so i try to accommodate them. My own mother often handed me a card.

Cards say loving things that we may not say in person and who knows why she wanted it? It's her birthday, please accommodate her.

Honeyroar · 22/01/2019 18:01

My mum gets upset if she hasn't got a card first thing on her birthday. It's her birthday, if that's what makes her happy then it's not really that difficult to achieve..

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