My mother and birthday card gate

[Whatdoesitmatteranyway]

Just wondering who is being unreasonable here.

Today is my mums 75th. For her birthday she got an iPAD and I ordered a large bunch of roses with a card which are due to be delivered today.

I'm staying at hers monday-thursday for work reasons and got up this morning and wished her happy birthday.

She's going out for lunch with an uncle of mine which I didnt know about so I mentioned to her that flowers were going to be arriving and I hoped they arrived before she went out if not hopefully the neighbours would take them in.

First thing she said was "where's my card?"

I explained that there was a card on the flowers and I thought flowers were a nice gesture and that anyway in view cards are for when you can't give best wishes in person or if the recipient doesnt qualify for a present.

"Flowers are nice but a card would also be nice"

I phone her to warn her about road works she might get affected by and got "well I wouldn't normally go that way but I might today looking for my card".

I had planned not to bother sending cards anymore because they are a pain in the back side and end up in the bin - text messages/phone calls are better in my view.

Anyway looks like I'm going to have to continue at least as far as mothers concerned.

So AIBU for thinking flowers with a card is enough or is she for behaving like a petty toddler?

@mrsbombastic
Op's mum uses the iPad every day!!!

Im in my 50s. Cards were big when i was first on my own. I thankfully saved all of my Christmas cards from friends and beloved family.

Now, every Christmas, i open them up when i pull out my decorations and it's like receiving them all over again. In fact, the recent past years, I've shed a tear bc now all are passed on and I truly miss them, especially at holidays.

My goodness I wonder how some of the people on here will behave when they are 75! You think you have behaved reasonably, fair enough but at her age things that don't seem important to you obviously are to her. So humour her and buy a card in future. My mum died at 76, you may not have her around that much longer. And calling a 75 year old mother a brat or pathetic is unacceptable.

Wow such odd responses and so much age stereotyping that an "elderly woman" wouldn't want an i-pad. All of my parents' generation, aunts, uncles etc (late 80s and 90s) are all online and on facebook etc.

I think the problem for you OP is that your mother will pick fault with whatever you do or do not get for her birthday. She's difficult. If it hadn't been the card it would have been something else.

I am surprised how many on this thread are so precious about birthdays. As the mother of adult children I cannot imagine throwing a tantrum over my birthday.

I also really understand the Mothers' Day Card thing as well. Had the same issue in around the same year of 1994. People here have no conception of these things pre-internet. DH and I lived in one country but our mothers lived in 2 different countries - the 3 countries had 3 different mother's day dates. Of course you could get a blank card but how to find out the date in the 2 other countries? Can't check online. No displays or adverts to remind you.

Mrsbombastic Well you live up to your name. If you had read the full thread you would have seen that your 'why would you buy her an electronic device she probably won't use' is ageist and wrong. The OP stats that her DM uses an earlier generation iPad and was happy to receive a new one the week before.

Some people (largely more mature females) set great store by getting a 'bought' card. Ours not to reason why...

HRTFT but I’d rather a well thought out card than an iPad. Genuinely. I love cards and think it’s sad that people dislike them so much. I cannot stand moonpig & co because they feel so impersonal, you can’t even be bothered to hand write a line of text for someone you love. If you know it’s important to her then what did it hurt to get her one? And a crappy little florists card is NOT the same as a card chosen by you that says Mum on it. She’s being silly for dragging it out but you’re not considering her feelings in this. You even said the flowers are a nice gesture. Do you just do it to show that you can? Maybe the flashy gifts aren’t that important to her and she wants her daughter to acknowledge her properly.

Sorry OP, I most certainly would have bought a special card. My DSis is so upset if her birthday card arrives late ( mine have on a couple of occasions), I wouldn't dream of not sending a card at all even when I send flowers. I always made a huge fuss of searching for wonderful cards and sending them to my mother. OP your Mum is 75 after all and old habits die hard, fine if she sends you a text message for your birthday and you are happy with that, personally I'd much rather have a card that someone has taken the time and thought to select. Having said all that you have mentioned that you don't appear to have the best M/D relationship.

I think it's a generational thing. My mother was always more interested in her birthday cards than any gifts she received. If I had been living under her roof and not had a birthday card for her in the morning, she would have been quite hurt and would no doubt have let me know about it. She also used to say that it was pointless getting your cards later in the day when your birthday was nearly over.

Card are obviously important to her so try to remember this in future. Forget the flowers.

FWIW I hate Moonpig cards as so little effort has gone into them to me it feels like someone has sat at their deck thought "oh bugger, its User's birthday next week", two clicks and input credit card details and that "problem" is dealt with.

This sort of thing makes me laugh, because it's almost as though that's not the exact thing that people do when they're in the card aisle at Tesco. "Oh bugger it's SIL's birthday next week. I'll see what the finest, cheapest card Tesco has is when I'm there next".

I don't weant to be rude or judgemental but to a seventy five year old a card would be an important way of marking her special day and showing her you love her. in the old days people sent cards when they couldn't afford much in the way of a present.

It sort of doesn't matter what you - or any young or modern person - thinks about cards, to an older person they are special.

I would rather a card than a present.

OP I know you don't think it's relevant, but I think the background to this, that you've living with her Monday-Thurs to help out around her surgeries, is relevant.

She might be annoyed on one level that she's beholden to you or at least has to rely on you. In some way she might be quite pleased that you've messed up (or could be accused of such) and the power balance has shifted?

Similarly, on one level were you not also thinking, I've put myself out just to be here and do all these things for her like sorting out the house, plus to get the roses and set up the iPad, I'm drawing the line at a card?

I'm only 49. I didnt get a birthday card or xmas card from my teenage children who live with me and tbh I am still really upset by it...given they know how important cards are to me and that other adults in their lives ( aunties, grandparents etc ) did ask them if they had cards sorted and offered to.take them to buy one.
I can see both sides of the argument...but...I think I'm with your mum on this one emotionally at least .

She sounds like my ExMIL.
It was Mother's day and DP and me were visiting MIL. While we were there she made a horrible comment about how he hadn't given her a card and pointed to the 2 on the side from her other sons.
Exasperated, DP said, but I am here visiting you, giving my time for a whole day and taking you out to lunch. (also 2 trains and a bus journey each way)
But why didn't you get a card?
She didn't appreciate the effort, time and money he had spent.
Anyway, he just sent a card the following year!

Eh? Just get her a card, she wants one and she is your Mum!

I'm sorry but the obsession of British people with cards is just pathetic. There are more meaningful ways to show appreciation and wish someone well. I love British people by the way.

The problem is a difference in perspectives. Overall, you thought about her birthday and got her thoughtful gifts. However, for many people, they want to wake up and feel special on the day, especially if it is a significant birthday. I think the ideal would be to hold back the iPad until the actual day, and buy the flowers AND the card yourself. Write out a lovely, thoughtful message on the card saying how much you love and appreciate her. Make a display of card, flowers and wrapped iPad on the kitchen table the night before, ready for her to see first thing in the morning. From her perspective, she got up on the morning of her 75th birthday to nothing, and that is why she is disappointed. A few little adjustments and you can blow her away on her 76th!

I don’t do cards for anyone except my dad. He’s 80 and appreciates one. I don’t want to upset him by not getting him one. Cards seem to be more important at that age. He wouldn’t ever say anything if he didn’t get one though.

dontpanik
I'm sorry but in what way is sending and receiving cards pathetic? I actually think its pretty much benign. I think most people like them because it makes a nice festive display and also its a personalised and very low outlay way of celebrating an event.
Sometimes I don't get things on Mumsnet!

I wouldn't be sending a card from Moonpig to my mum.... she needs a handwritten card. And echoing a pp, a nice card adapted for Mothers Day would be the appropriate thing to send if in a country that celebrates on a different date. But always handwritten.

It’s my birthday next Saturday. I’ll be 72. I’ve said to everyone, ‘Don’t make a fuss! It’s not as if I’m 75/80 yet! And I mean it...... But... if there aren’t cards on the day from my nearest and dearest, I know I will be disappointed. I think it’s a thing On the Day. 2 days later, I’ll be over it. Maybe your mum’s the same?

Some people (my DM was one of them) like to take out their cards later and play with them. She had every card I'd sent her for Mother's Day, birthdays, etc. I asked her why and she said so she'll have something if I forget to send one. She liked getting a card and opening it.

This sort of thing makes me laugh, because it's almost as though that's not the exact thing that people do when they're in the card aisle at Tesco. "Oh bugger it's SIL's birthday next week. I'll see what the finest, cheapest card Tesco has is when I'm there next".

No I don't do this. I go to a store with a decent selection and spend far too long deciding on a card appropriate to the person I'm sending it to.