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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what's wrong with my son

999 replies

stressedmum0f3 · 21/01/2019 06:45

He is 4.5yr old.
Since July 2017 (when his sister started crawling) he has become obsessed with her and obsessed with being horrible to her.
I am crying as I write this so please be kind.

  • he will put toys in front of her, wait until she goes to get it then snatch it away
  • shut her hand in doors
  • make her spit on stuff
  • 5 toys that he got for Christmas he has broken (his reason, he wanted to)
And now his new thing he is hellbent on waking her up, at 4am this morning he picked up two toys clashed them together and said her name multiple times, then she woke up crying. When I went through to his room, he dived back into bed pretending to be asleep. I have a 7 month old now too and the behaviour is transferring onto her. (He will throw toys at her in her high chair) or he will bang toys off the floor to get her to look at him. If she does happen to look he will run away. And the other day he has started to pick the wall off Sad I am exhausted, I feel like I'm doing something wrong as nobody in the history of the world seems to experience this. I don't think we are all ever in the same room for too long as I cannot cope. I don't know what to do anymore. Does anybody have any advice?
OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 23/01/2019 11:42

So we done two jigsaws, and he got 10 minutes of playing on his PlayStation.
Hopefully we get out to nursery with no fuss 🤞🤞

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 23/01/2019 11:47

Dp will be there to collect ds, his first nursery collection in I don't know a year😵

OP posts:
Fightingfit2019 · 23/01/2019 11:47

That’s really good.

What good things did he do whilst you were doing it together?

Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 23/01/2019 11:49

He managed to sort the pieces of the edges and the inside, he correctly said a piece had an edge when I was trying to joke around and pretend like I didn't know
And he done the puzzle mostly himself Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 23/01/2019 11:54

And I praised him lots And gave him a sticker

OP posts:
SchoolNightWine · 23/01/2019 11:57

Apologies if this has already been mentioned, as I haven't read all the replies.
You mentioned that you rarely have the TV on. Most of us parents regularly use the TV to get some peace/time to do jobs/etc, but actually kids can also learn a huge amount from say the programmes on CBeebies - and it can really help their speech.
It wouldn't work immediately, but once he got to know some of the shows and the music on them, they might even distract him when he came into the room, so he'd look to see what was happening there rather than throwing something at your dd.
You could also quickly point something out on tv if it looked like he was about to do something naughty, so use it as a distraction.
If he got a favourite programme and settled to watch it, you could use that time to make tea knowing that everyone was safe.
This will not be a quick fix and you'd need to have it on at regular times every day to get him focused on some programmes. Also sing along with him (well all 3 kids really) and chat about what's going on so you're all involved. There's also a 10 minute story time at 6.50pm, so perfect for a bedtime story without any ripping of books.
It may also give you a little downtime, which you so desperately need - I'm exhausted for you reading your posts! Apologies if you've already tried this and it didn't work - I just know how much my kids learn from kids shows, and how much I gained from some peace!!

cuspish · 23/01/2019 11:57

that's brilliant OP! x

Well done.

I'll bet he loved being with you x

Keep ongoing. These are good changes. Hurrah for DP collecting him. Hope you manage to get a wee bit of headspace ( well as much as you can with a baby and toddler there too)

cuspish · 23/01/2019 12:00

yeah I second that from schoolnightwine, there is no way I could have survived my two's early childhood's without using the telly to get peace and to shower/ attend to DD/ cook dinner etc.

Just be sure that you make a routine around it and set limits and boundaries with it from the start. don't get into the habit of using it as a babysitter, as it's no good in big doses for any of you.

But immensely useful in small measured planned routine doses. and yes, educational too.

screamer1 · 23/01/2019 12:05

Well done OP! You really can do this, but you need to feel resilient and in control to do it.

Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 23/01/2019 12:06

I don't like the tv as it still causes fights if dd happens to stand in front of her he will just push or hit her so I prefer no tv

OP posts:
SchoolNightWine · 23/01/2019 12:09

In that case I would say she also needs to learn not to stand in front of someone watching tv!

Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 23/01/2019 12:15

I get what you're saying pp but I just think she's so young she wouldn't understand that, she even does it to me when I'm trying to watch tv

OP posts:
user1494670108 · 23/01/2019 12:23

Loving your update, praise him to the skies for the good ( sure you did) and keep finding things that only he can do as he's your big boy not one of he babies. Re telly, is there a way round it, we had all sorts of barricades around ours when ds was a climbing, button pressing nightmare but life was revolutionised when we got the telly onto a higher unit that he could reach or stand in front of. (I do realise that your circumstances may make this difficult). We have ours on a high Kallax unit from Ikea, they come up cheaply on my local Facebook selling page so it could be worth keeping an eye out

user1494670108 · 23/01/2019 12:24

Sorry didn't proof read Blush, it should Say he couldn't reach or stand in front of it

cuspish · 23/01/2019 12:27

yeah ours is high up on a unit too and secured to the unit.

and we only have it on for about an hour a day (unless we watch a film as a family) . That hour is usually split up as rewards the allow me to do something else.

Ie - 20 minutes in morning after breakfast/dressed ( to allow me to shower/ get dressed/ get ready to leave the house)

20 mins while dinner is being cooked ( as a reward for good behaviour during day too)

etc

JinglingHellsBells · 23/01/2019 12:36

@cuspish

I couldn't agree with you more.
As part of my professional work, I used to advise parents to seek assessments and yes, early intervention is key.

You may not like - or feel offended by the word 'label', but let me tell you this story.

A good friend of mine has a DC who I assessed informally and was sure they needed a formal diagnosis . It would have helped their educational outcomes a lot.
Her father however would not pursue a diagnosis, as he didn't want to know, and felt the 'label' would be a stigma.

I think perhaps you have missed my point: it was that 'armchair' psychologists on MN - or even parents who have children with SEN- have been quick here to suggest ASD or ADHD .

These are VERY hard things to diagnose- ADHD is a subjective assessment based on parental observations- so it's not exactly accurate for lots of children especially if their behaviour is only seen at home (where family dynamics are factors.)

SchoolNightWine · 23/01/2019 12:43

I get what you're saying pp but I just think she's so young she wouldn't understand that, she even does it to me when I'm trying to watch tv

I imagine she doesn't know she's doing anything wrong whether it's your ds or you who's watching the tv, and I think the earlier you start to teach them manners the less bad habits they get into. I'd just lift her out of the way and say 'don't block the tv' each time and she'll soon know what you mean.
Your ds might even pick up on this and learn from it too, as you're not directing instructions at him, but not giving your daughter too much attention either which might make him jealous (the other way would be to punish him for knocking her out of the way, and comforting her because she's hurt - both negatives for your ds).
Easy for me to say when I'm not not going through it though - mine are older with a whole new set of problems!

cuspish · 23/01/2019 12:47

I guess that whether parents want diagnosis ( or label) is very subjective, and to some extent is reliant on the severity of the condition.

Personally i think that's it's important, in order to de-stigmatise these conditions and cut down the negative aspects of the conditions that come from societal preconceptions.

Also a level of self awareness for the child as to why they find certain things difficult and ways they can help themselves is enormously empowering in order to combat the connections to negative impact on mental health.

I do get your point about armchair psychologists and diagnosing on the internet. I just don't think it's relevant as it's COMPLATELY OBVIOUS that these things need diagnosing by a professional who can see the entire picture and put all the information in context with their years of professional training.

All that ever happens on a thread like this is parents who have experience of SEN say something like "that behaviour/experience/anecdote reminds me of my SEN child. Perhaps it could help you to seek professional advise about whether that is the case?"

Which to my mind is fine and helpful.

Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 23/01/2019 12:59

Thank you, I feel much calmer that we had an hour of play time and no shouting went on!!!

OP posts:
Bambee · 23/01/2019 13:05

• To OP , the professional will be you! It's your child & you know them best!
You just need some guidance to get you along at the moment, this age is a difficult time as they are ready for school.

It is important is to set boundaries in a nurturing loving but firm way , he will test these boundaries but it be upto you to be consistent , & use praise whenever you can as this can have a effect in a positive way. •

metronome1 · 23/01/2019 13:06

Op not a criticism but observation I think you are selling your kids short on what they do and do not understand. You say dd won't understand but at 2 I think she will. She probably won't get it first time but like all things we teach our kids if you repeat it and use actions she will.
For example my dd who is 1 now says sit down because I ask her to and sit her down. After a few days I can just say it and she knows what to do. Same with ta or whatever you say when you pass her something.
So you say dd move please and actually move her. Eventually she will get it. At 2 I'd expect her to be able to follow simple instructions like put brick in box and you point and show her.

M3lon · 23/01/2019 13:19

Well done OP - you have done amazingly well at adapting things in such a short time.

Things aren't going to get magically better overnight, but you've proved to yourself and your DS that progress can be made!

You really are doing a great job!

Kardashianlove · 23/01/2019 13:21

Agree with metronome1
A 2 year old can understand not to stand infront of the TV, the same as they can understand they sit at the table for meals.

So when you put the TV on, you explain everyone sits nicely to watch it. As soon as your DD stands infront of DS you move her and say ‘no, DD, DS is watching TV nicely, please do not stand infront of him’. If she carries on, you get down to her level, explain if she does it again she will have to go out the room.

In that situation, your DS should not have the opportunity to hit her.
By you not intervening, you’re basically setting DS up to fail.

You say DD does it to you when you’re watching TV. Do you let her? Or do you move her every time and explain that it’s not ok to do that?

PhilomenaButterfly · 23/01/2019 13:28

If you're changing DD, ask him to fetch you a nappy, or take the nappy sack to the bin.

PhilomenaButterfly · 23/01/2019 13:40

That's very similar to what I do SchoolNight. I won't go shopping on my own unless I know DS2 has his tablet, because it's the only time I'm confident he'll be distracted and won't hurt DD for the sensory stimulation.