To ask what's wrong with my son

[stressedmum0f3]

He is 4.5yr old.
Since July 2017 (when his sister started crawling) he has become obsessed with her and obsessed with being horrible to her.
I am crying as I write this so please be kind.

• he will put toys in front of her, wait until she goes to get it then snatch it away
• shut her hand in doors
• make her spit on stuff
• 5 toys that he got for Christmas he has broken (his reason, he wanted to)

And now his new thing he is hellbent on waking her up, at 4am this morning he picked up two toys clashed them together and said her name multiple times, then she woke up crying. When I went through to his room, he dived back into bed pretending to be asleep. I have a 7 month old now too and the behaviour is transferring onto her. (He will throw toys at her in her high chair) or he will bang toys off the floor to get her to look at him. If she does happen to look he will run away. And the other day he has started to pick the wall off I am exhausted, I feel like I'm doing something wrong as nobody in the history of the world seems to experience this. I don't think we are all ever in the same room for too long as I cannot cope. I don't know what to do anymore. Does anybody have any advice?

OP, that is a positive step forwards with the jigsaw puzzle. You just need to keep repeating these actions over and over.

I am sorry that the doctor can't see you until next week. When I got to the point that I couldn't cope with DC, the school advise me to call in SS for support. I didn't as my mum stepped in and had DC for a few weekends to give me a break and that helped all round.

Another thing that was mentioned to me by Family Support was that a lot of parents spend more time on their mobile phones then they do engaging with the DC and then the DC play up to get their attention, so you need to be consious of that too. We can all be guilty of being on our phones, but we do need to spend more attention on the real live people in front of us.

You mention the playstation, he is quite young to be playing that at 4.5. What sort of games is he playing and is he exposed to any violent games that his dad plays? Gaming can have a massive effect on childrens behaviour, I have know children who have broken tv screens and trashed their bedrooms when they lose or cant progress in a level. He shouldn't be playing any sort of fighting games until he is old enough to separate fiction from reality. He will repeat the behaviour that he sees on there in the way he treats his siblings.

So please, keep an eye on what he is doing and make sure it is age appropriate, the guidelines are there for a reason.

Well said cupish I couldn’t agree more! I’m not sure why some are so against a mum discussing her concerns with a professional

‘Label’ is such a detrimental word. A diagnosis is identifing, not labelling.

Pre-diagnosis I wouldn’t I have known the exact difficulties my son had with expressive skills, vocabulary, thinking and verbal reasoning, understanding of spoken language, semantic links, pragmatics, theory of mind etc, etc to name but a few.

Parents are not experts in any of the above, however, in order to fight for support for your child, you need to know what you need to fight for.

Getting a diagnosis is not easy. You do not just rock up and get handed one!

IF experts do not identify any needs, that is exactly what they write in their reports!

You get told no your child does not have X.

Well done OP.

Also, with DD standing in front of the tv, you need to teach her that she can't do that when somebody is watching it. So each time, tell her no we don't block the tv, DS is watching it. Rinse and repeat. She'll eventually understand that she needs to not block the tv.

One more thing, you said your nipples are bleeding from breastfeeding. That is not normal so something is definitely off - latch or tongue tie problems, etc. Please contact a breastfeeding support group and get some help. I also wouldn't recommend stopping bf - bf helps with the hormone that makes us happy and you are already quite fragile and upset. You would go through a rollercoaster of emotions by just quitting suddenly so get some bf support and hang in there.

Also, with DD standing in front of the tv, you need to teach her that she can't do that when somebody is watching it. So each time, tell her no we don't block the tv, DS is watching it. Rinse and repeat. She'll eventually understand that she needs to not block the tv.

And the added bonus of this is that, as well as your DD eventually learning not to do it, your DS gets to see you consistently being on his side and looking out for his interests, and DD being corrected.

I was quite a jealous eldest child, and I still remember the feeling that my parents didn’t look out for me/my interests/take my part because the others were littler/didn’t know any better.

Also, with DD standing in front of the tv, you need to teach her that she can't do that when somebody is watching it

This. You have said several times that dd is too young to for this and that, but the point is you teach them. That is how they learn. It won’t happen overnight.

I haven't read the whole thread but he sounds like I was a child. I was horrible. I used to beat my sisters up as soon as my parents' backs were turned, I'd smash windows, destroy things and if I was punished I would scream and break things.

Weirdly I was good as gold at school and for other people and terrified of getting into trouble.

I am afraid I was like this until I was about 15. Looking back I am not even sure why, I just felt quite angry all the time.

I'm 37 now and my sisters and I are very close. So I turned out OK in the end.

jingling

I know posters mean well, but unless you are professionals and trained to assess, please don't try to label a 4 yr old.

You then go on to say how you are a professional and assess children for these difficulties, how you know about these things etc. OP’s son doesn’t have a disorder or SN’s etc, it’s just jealousy etc.

Are you not doing exactly what you are telling others not to?!

I don’t know what your profession is, for what’s its worth OP’s son DOES have SN’s he has a severe speech delay/impairment.

Glad to hear you had some quality time with him. Hope nursery run went well too.

Nursery walk went ok, bit of pushing and shoving dd and she went to walk over to a toy and he kicked her really hard 😓

Well done OP. I’m totally invested in this thread and your progress! Litttle things like 1:1 activities with you where you are engaging with each other will really help I think.
Also I agree with a pp about teaching your DD not to stand in front of the tv and that this might help your DS see you on his side/supporting him. My DS is 2 too and every time he stands in front of the tv I ask him to move out the way and he gets what I mean ( but just doesn’t remember to not do it!)
I echo what others have said about reading. Maybe next time you have some quiet time take a book out, tell him you’re going to read it together and he needs to sit with you nicely. The second he tries to grab it from you take it and put it away. Hopefully at some point he will learn that books are not for ripping and that they can be enjoyed together.

I really feel for you OP. My youngest has Autism and those early years were horrific. For a very long time there was nothing nice about being his mum. Every day was a fucking nightmare until he went to bed and then i was on my knees. It was the worst time of my life. It should have been the best time with my beautiful children but it was a nightmare. He was diagnosed aged 3 and that opened the doors to help. And life did eventually get better and now he is wonderful and an absolute joy. Those years feel like it was someone else now. It was the bleakest time and i felt like the worst mum having this child i could not cope with and could not control. We saw a speech therapist for assessment when he was 3 and i remember her saying "is he always like this?" We said yes and she said "he must be exhausting" and i cried as it was the first time someone recognised that he was bloody hard work.
I hope the meeting goes well at nursery. Please ask them for help. Be honest, tell them everything and beg and plead for a referral for help. You all need help and maybe a support worker for the family will see strategies you can't as you are so knackered and worn out by it.

Remember the positives OP and build on that.

One step at a time.

It went really well with the puzzle earlier, yes it turned a bit sour on the walk however you have had a positive today!

My DS was just like this with my DD. Similar age gap to you too. He was also developmentally delayed and struggled to express his emotions.

I was completely exhausted. I would be so wound up that the smallest thing would make me shout. I couldn't be around him, couldn't play with him and would dread being around him.

I got to the end of my tether and think I was actually depressed. I did the basics and he was always fed & had clean clothes but the emotional warmth wasn't there.

I read about PACE parenting and decided that I would just try it. The first thing I did was always welcome him so warmly (even at 4am) and have a big cuddle in the morning and after school. Like I was so so happy to see him and he was the best thing I'd ever seen. After a week or so of this, I started to suggest maybe "helping" his sister with what she was doing because I know he's such a big clever boy. And then praising him and getting her to say thank you to him. Now they can play together for a good hour before getting ratty, and although he isn't her greatest fan, we have no physical fighting at all now.

If you get chance, have a look at it and maybe just try one small part of it then work up doing more and more if it works.

Well done with the jigsaw- that's a great start.

regardless of whether your son has any Sen or not, the above is brilliant advice x

What did you do when he kicked your daughter op?

I told him he shouldn't be doing that and sent him out

Just reading an article OP and thought of you when I read this:

'Use affection while disciplining your child.
As you talk to them about what they did wrong, put your hand on their shoulder and give them a hug at the end of the conversation to ensure them that, even if you are not pleased with their behavior, you still love them.

If your children hit their sister or brother, hug them and explain how hugging feels better than hitting.'

How are you feeling tonight OP?

@ItsMEhooray hi - can you please share the link to this article ?

Thanks

@ree348

www.mother.ly/child/how-a-parents-affection-shapes-a-childs-happiness-for-life

OP something that really stands out in your posts is the dynamic in your family - your daughters are basically allowed to behave as they please, and your son is not, this has got to be a contributing factor to what’s going on!

It seems that you need to start showing DS much more affection and DDs a bit more discipline.

Also, ditch the PlayStation, no 4 year old should be playing on a PlayStation! Get some play doh and crafting bits to do with him.

My DS was very developmentally delayed (he has ASD and ADHD) and it really really helps to communicate at their level- use simple language and few words. (Initially this seemed counter intuitive to me as I had spent years narrating everything as I thought it would surely help- I was wrong!) Using simple language improved our communication 100 fold, it meant DS could actually start listening and understanding, and in turn, following instructions.

Good luck OP, I know it’s not nice being bombarded with advice, but you’ve stuck with the thread which shows that you are a very determined lady, and that you love your son and do want to help him.

OP, there have definitely been some real positives today.

It's not going to improve overnight, but if he went back to bed (even after a racket), that's a win. If you got an hour of play without him kicking off, that's a win. If he did less shoving during the walk, kick notwithstanding, that's a win.

If he knows you mean business, this will reduce over time, particularly the waking her in the morning.

Agree with others re TV. If hes allowed 10 mins PlayStation then a programme or two spaced throughout the day won't hurt. Do you have cushions or blankets you can put on the floor? You can place them on the floor and instruct each DC to sit on one (even better if you have different ones that can be exclusively "theirs"). You can use them to control how close they sit to the TV, and control the distance between them (more than an arms length to minimise hitting). Tell them you want them to stay on their cushion to watch tv. At first they will need lots of reminders, so get a cuppa and supervise, but as they both learn they will move less. You can remind DD as much as needed, she's not too young for that sort of reminder, if she went to nursery she would have that sort of reminder. That will help DS to learn that he's not the scapegoat. In time they will be able to be directed "get your cushion/blanket, and when you're sitting nicely we'll put the TV on."

Don't punish if they move, just remind, remind, remind. I can imagine that in DS's mind, he only hits DD because she's blocking his view, if she didn't do that he wouldn't hit her and the TV wouldn't get turned off - so to him it's another thing that is his sister's fault. He's trying to communicate that she's blocking his view, but doesn't have the language, he needs you to tell her. You don't need to use negative language, just "DD/DS, please stay on your cushion." "DS you've been sitting really well, show DD how to do it!" And so on.

If either gets up and wanders away, that's fine as long as they don't block the others view or start throwing things.

I think you've done amazingly in just a day. I really want to hear how the nursery pick up goes tomorrow and how DS reacts to Daddy being there. If this thread fills up overnight please will you start a new one so we can keep trying to support you?

OP your two year old IS old enough to understand. This is the time she starts learning- teach her!! Stop making excuses!

Thinking about it OP, I know it’s been mentioned about you needing parenting classes regarding your sons behaviour. But I think you need some classes in child development, what a child can do at each stage, what they are capable of, what there understanding is on and so. Because you’ve mentioned several times that your dd can not do something because she is only two. Yet everyone has has gone on to tell you that yes she can do it.

In the morning when you first see your son come in to the room put on your biggest smile or if he can't see your face then call out a cheery good morning to him and encourage a good mood within him, I know that can be so hard when you are exhausted but it really can help with behaviour if the first thing they get for the morning is a warm welcome that tells them you are so happy to see them.

I am glad your DP is taking things seriously and taking measures to help out, don't give up, implementing boundaries is hard work and it is pretty common for behaviour to get worse to start with as they buck up against things.

Also perfectly normal (and highly irritating) for kids to seem like they are not listening at that age.