To ask what's wrong with my son

[stressedmum0f3]

He is 4.5yr old.
Since July 2017 (when his sister started crawling) he has become obsessed with her and obsessed with being horrible to her.
I am crying as I write this so please be kind.

• he will put toys in front of her, wait until she goes to get it then snatch it away
• shut her hand in doors
• make her spit on stuff
• 5 toys that he got for Christmas he has broken (his reason, he wanted to)

And now his new thing he is hellbent on waking her up, at 4am this morning he picked up two toys clashed them together and said her name multiple times, then she woke up crying. When I went through to his room, he dived back into bed pretending to be asleep. I have a 7 month old now too and the behaviour is transferring onto her. (He will throw toys at her in her high chair) or he will bang toys off the floor to get her to look at him. If she does happen to look he will run away. And the other day he has started to pick the wall off I am exhausted, I feel like I'm doing something wrong as nobody in the history of the world seems to experience this. I don't think we are all ever in the same room for too long as I cannot cope. I don't know what to do anymore. Does anybody have any advice?

OP this doesn't sound like simple attention seeking or jealousy. If he is behaving as you say, it sounds like your DS have some personality disorder or spectrum disorder. This may well be exacerbated by jealousy but sibling jealousy doesn't go this far without an underlying problem.

Get an emergency appointment and make it clear that you fear for your younger children's safety. They can't ignore it if you state that you fear the child.

I think expecting him to come downstairs and sit quietly whilst you tend to the girls is far too much. Those first few moments of the day are really important so as soon as he gets up give him your full attention for a few minutes, whether that’s settling him back to bed because it too early or saying good morning to him and giving him a cuddle, asking what he wants for breakfast etc,.

Make his juice the night before? Put it somewhere he can reach?

So the second he comes down, before he has the chance to do anything, morning ds, get your juice (point to where it is) come sit here (point next to you) and give me a hug?

Literally tell him what you expect from him, all the time.

And I did ask him why he threw the toy (wasn't a small one either)
He wanted dd to laugh at him.
Then I asked why, he replied 'because I wake dd up' so I'm not really getting an answer

Literally tell him what you expect from him, all the time

This ^^^ absolutely!

But remember OP he has delayed speech!

He may NOT have the vocabulary to tell you why, but he’s trying using the vocabulary he does have.

It sounds like he wanted to make her laugh, for waking her up!

Just in an inappropriate way. Show him how to make her laugh in an appropriate way! This is how we make dd laugh, blow raspberries or whatever she likes!

I know pp, I was just putting up as to what he said when I asked him as no doubt a poster will be along and ask if I've asked him.
I know he doesn't understand, apart from get your coat on, he just looks at me, like looks right through me not taking anything jn

Op the more you describe your boy the more it sounds like autism or another diagnosis. In fact it sounds quite severe.
Obviously that's over the internet so don't rely on that.
Get an Emergency gp appointment today. Write it all down before you go. Tell the gp honestly all you have said here and that you need help urgently and by that you mean now, today. Or you can phone your local children's services and tell them you need someone from the assessment team out today.

Maybe he has thrown toys before (not at her) and she has laughed, like most babies would.

Show him how to make her laugh.

Claw she doesn't even pay him any attention he picked up a shape sorter and deliberately threw it at her head, her knew fine what he was doing.
He wasn't trying to make her laugh, he was just trying to be nasty.

He wanted dd to laugh at him

Have you tried showing him different ways to make her laugh? Making a funny face or doing a silly dance? Perhaps you could make your Dd laugh infront of him and then tell him it's his turn. Make it into a game to see who can make her laugh the most? Do it every time he hurts her and says it's because he wants he to laugh at him.

Also, as soon as you hear him get up in the morning go and say good morning to him and start a conversation with him. If you see him pick up a toy take it off him and ask him if he'd like to help you with the younger dc or if he'd like his breakfast now.

It's really important to say it all with a huge smile and to sound excited about things you'd like him to do.

I know it will be really hard to start with, you must be exhausted with so much on your plate, but you can't all carry on like this.

I've had to stop him playing out the back because he used to throw stones at the little kid across the pavement from us No amount of supervising him would stop it so he lost the right to play outside.

Does he simply throw the toy to get your attention? You may be attending to the girls, but stop as soon as you see him, go over with a big smile and say hello/hug/ask him if he had a nice sleep. You need to get in first before he has the chance to do something to get your attention in negative manner.

I know he doesn't understand, apart from get your coat on, he just looks at me, like looks right through me not taking anything jn

This goes back to what I, Claw001 and others have said before:- you can’t just tell him, you need to SHOW him. You need to reinforce the speech with the action. He may be able to tell you something parrot fashion, but if he doesn’t understand the meaning behind it, it’s not useful. It’s like me, I can say some Italian phrases but I have no idea of the meaning.

You need to tell him, take him to it, and show him what to do. Using short brief commands. Always positive, what you want him to do and not the negative what you don’t want him to do.

He shouldn’t be playing out anyhow! He has limited sense of danger and runs away and into roads!

He was trying to get your dd’s attention and yours. He comes down in the morning while you are attending to the other 2 and not him.

He has limited speech. He is trying to get attention in inappropriate ways.

Advice still stands, even if it was a deliberate act. Show him more appropriate ways to interact. Show him what you expect from him.

Kids are not born knowing how to interact. They learn from us.

We have a fence out the back, only a small one but he has never tried to get out of it.
But that's life though claw? I can't jump up and rush to him all the time, as it were I was changing dd so I couldn't have just pushed her to one side, it needed done.
I need a nanny. I can't wait until my dp takes time off

Op I think you have such a negative attitude that you can't see any point to this. And that's understandable, you're knackered and at your wits end.

But please think before asking for your son to go into care - it's desperately sad you're thinking this way.

Both you and your son need urgent professional help.

Sorry to bring it up again but I think it's ridiculous your 2 year old eats off the floor and not made to sit in a high chair, I have never heard of that in my life. How do you expect your children to know boundaries when you aren't teaching them simple manners?? And how do you expect them to behave when you go out to eat in public?

I do feel so sorry for you op. You sound absoloutely drained and your life sounds pretty shit right now. But it can get better, keep going.

stressedmum0f3 If you are supervising he shouldn’t have the opportunity to throw stones. Anyway supervise him out the back, if he picks up stones to throw, divert his attention to something else. Get all excited about it ‘come here (motion him to come to you’ and say look. It could be a bug or anything.

Give him activities to do out there:-

Drawing on the floor with chalk
Drawing on the floor with a water pistol
Sand pit
Playing with his cars
Kicking a ball
Hoolahoops
The bat and balls that are Velcro
Throwing a ball against the wall
Making paper mache ballons

Do you have things like a trampoline, slide etc?
There are so many fun activities you can do outside, and some your dd can do as well.

It has already been suggested, make his juice the night before. fighting suggested a biscuit or a piece of fruit.

Leave it where he can reach. Morning ds, get your juice (point to where it is) sit here (point to where you want him to sit) before he has the chance to start seeking your attention. You’ve already given it to him. No toys are thrown.

I can't jump up and rush to him all the time

But do you ever jump up to go see him when he gets up in the morning? Do you say good morning to him when your busy with the younger ones or do you wait until he misbehaves to speak to him?

Don’t ask him why. He doesn’t know. Even teenagers don’t know why they do stupid things. Instead focus on what you want. “DS, we don’t throw toys because it hurts people. Come and sit here and do some drawing with me.” Matter of fact, simple language, focusing on cause and effect.

Personally I would remove all objects/toys the night before so he cannot come downstairs and immediately throw something. You can have a few soft toys, some of those fabric reading books but he doesn't get free rein of the toys until you can supervise. Perhaps have the TV on so that his attention is diverted to that and not injuring his sisters.

I also agree with having food and a drink ready and prepared so he doesn't have to sit and wait.

I would also be happy that he went back to bed this morning. You have to force yourself to praise him right now, even though you really don't want to. He desperately needs some kind of positive reaction from you.

I've already mentioned the Explosive Child book - please listen to the audio version. It is very insightful. The 'mantra' of the book is - 'Children do well, if they can'. It's really good for bought OP. When you have a challenging child then life does become a cycle of micromanagement. However, if you can identify what his triggers are, then you can take proactive steps to reduce them.

Also, as I previously said, yes up the nursery hours. He needs it and so do you. It's all very well for people to criticise you and say he needs more time at home playing/colouring/baking etc but for some children (my own included) that does not work!!

My son is a similar age to yours. He does 3 full days at pre school and it is good for him. He is very hard to manage if we spend too much time at home.

I'm sure you'll all be happy to hear that dp will take a half day today and spend time with him.
Meanwhile as both dds are back asleep I've taken him to do a jigsaw and disregarded my phone (posting from a toilet break!) I know he needs this, I am trying. It might not seem it to some but I am

Both my children have dyspraxia, and had speech and behaviour delays. They are three years apart. The time I had them both at home before school started was the most challenging of my life. Really felt like I was on a boat in a storm all the time, and everything around you is falling, screaming, never predictable. constantly.

I also had a haerromage after you youngest’s birth, breastfed, husband was at work most days long hours, no nearby family.

It really was hell.

I shudder to think of adding another baby to the mix and having the lack of space issues that you do.

If your DS does have some kind of developmental delay, then you’ll get used to the fact that others won’t understand that the things that work for them won’t always work for your child.

For instance, my kids have never been able to sit and play with a toy. When they were little i’d Look at other people’s children in amazement as they played with toys nicely, coloured in, enjoyed sticker books. Mine would throw the toys around, rip the sticker books, gaité the crayons and run off within 30 seconds. Even now, at 6 and 9 they cannot focus on anything for longer than 5-10 mins. So difficult.

I’m trying to remember the things that kept me sane.

I had a good friend who i’d Hang out with a lot so I wasn’t on my own. We’d take it in turns to look after each other’s kids too so the other could have a break.

I used television as a way to get my oldest to stay still/quiet while I attended to dd .

I’d always hand over to DH as soon as he got home from work and just go lie down/ go for a bath/run to recharge.

I had cast iron routines that i stuck to every single day. Same things, same order, same phrases, same expectations.

I made sure I got out the house as soon as possible each day. Some how being outdoors helped immensely.

I made myself go to playgroups everyday, ( although this sometimes was stressful because of the children’s behaviour) I did make friends though.

I was on anti depressants for most of their early childhoods.

At weekends me and DH Had a lie in each and stool to it religiously. And really protected each other’s sleep. ( locked the bedroom door, kept kids away)

At weekends we’d divide and conquer too, and separate dd and Ds as much as we could

I got as much medical help and referrals as possible. Diagnosis made things easier not because you the doctors cure your child instantly, but because it gives you a condition to research, strategies and advice to google, books to read.

I joined lots of online support groups and Facebook groups

I joined my local play centre for children with additional needs. Life saver!

I practised practised practised descriptive praise, saying what I wanted them to do rather than shouting no constantly, made string simple rules and boundaries and tried so so hard to find the positives and praise them.

I used a lot of dark gallows humour.

Are you in Scotland OP?