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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Splitting the cost of the bride for the hen do between the hens?

233 replies

HenDoo · 20/01/2019 23:32

I’ve name changed for this as paranoid the bridesmaids are on here! My friend’s hen do is coming up, and planning is underway for a few days abroad. I don’t know any of the bridesmaids very well, and have never met the one who is organising it.

The MOH has just put on the group chat that we will be splitting the cost of the brides share between all of us. There was no question of asking if everyone was okay with paying this, it was just kind of announced, and no one else has questioned it yet.

Am I being a tightarse for resenting being expected to stump up another £50 (minimum - might be more as still not booked anything yet)? I know it's "only" £50, but I’m on a fairly tight budget this year as hopefully buying a house, and am literally crawling towards pay day right now! I have a few hen dos to go to, which all seem to have creeping costs Confused,

Is it the norm to split the brides share of her hen do between the guests now?!

OP posts:
Original poster
HenDoo · 22/01/2019 23:03

Interesting reading all the comments.

I have only been on one hen do before, which was a weekend in a UK city, so I don't have that much experience of them and what's the norm. For that one we were going to split the brides cost between us (think it was only going to be something like £15 each as there was lots of us), but then her mum insisted on paying for her. I would have been happy to pay that though. The girl who organised that one did a really good job and made it clear what the costs would be and gave people the option to opt in or out of activities etc before booking them.

Anyway, I have put my big girl pants on and said sorry, don't think I'll be able to afford it, best I pull out now before anything is decided or booked. Another girl pulled out before me, and one after, so it's just the 3 bridesmaids and the bride left now.

Feel a bit bad that half of us have pulled out, but also relieved! It was looking like it would be 300-400 for just flights and accommodation alone, so guessing would have been 500-600 in total.

OP posts:
cherish123 · 22/01/2019 23:06

If you are staying in a hotel or going abroad, the bride should really pay for herself.

LoniceraJaponica · 22/01/2019 23:08

It only takes one to be sensible about this ridiculous state of affairs, then the others will follow. Well done for sticking up for yourself.

Lifeofsmiley · 22/01/2019 23:11

Well done op! Now don’t let them try to guilt trip you into changing your mind

BornInAThunderstorm · 22/01/2019 23:13

You have all pulled out for the same reason.

I agree it’s a nice gesture for the hens to pay for the bride, but in my opinion if the bride chooses an expensive holiday abroad then she should be paying that herself

timetoriseandshine · 22/01/2019 23:16

Bloody bridezilla and bridesmaidzillas just make this whole hen do malarkey ridiculous. Just go for a cheap meal and have a laugh, there's absolutely no need to go abroad and especially not to pay for the bride. If that's what she's chosen for her hen do then she'll have to suck it up and pay her own way

InSightMars · 22/01/2019 23:31

Good for you OP and for the other two for not letting yourselves be forced into spending more than you want to. You shouldn’t feel bad. Be interested to see if it goes ahead with only 3 people splitting the cost for the bride ie another £100 - £150 each or maybe common sense will prevail and they’ll consider doing something less pricey that won’t break anyone’s bank. Some brides really need to learn to manage their expectations and rein in their sense of entitlement and, to be fair to the brides who neither want nor expect all this extravagance on their behalf, some MOHs need to wind their necks in.

EmeraldShamrock · 22/01/2019 23:40

Any Ive gone on we split the bill, food and drinks but the hen would pay a hotel for their stay. When I was DSIS MOH I had to fork out for all the sashes, crowns and tat, nobody else offered their share, it was a weekend away before a week away abroad for the actually wedding, if I was in the same position today, I would not go, sister or not.
I think it is ridiculous to think friends should pay so much to celebrate your upcoming nuptials. A few drinks and a party in the nearest city yes, gives people the option to get home afterwards.

Ethel36 · 23/01/2019 07:14

Well done OP.

ferrier · 23/01/2019 07:38

Good move OP.
When did hen dos become so ridiculously expensive and why do normally sane people have an expectation that friends will stretch themselves financially on their behalf? Hmm

browneyes77 · 23/01/2019 08:07

Well done OP.

And you shouldn’t feel bad that half of the hens pulled out. The organiser/bride is the one who should feel bad because they chose to do something that pushed it way out of people’s price range and meant people couldn’t afford to go. That’s on them, not you.

Max14165 · 23/01/2019 09:28

I’m organising my daughters hen do ... I approached all 24 hens and asked if it was ok if we covered the bride ( it’s a 3 night affair in a uk stately home party house thing ... ) they were all ok with it .. I’ve only ever been to one other ( apart from my own but 34 years ago it was a totally different kettle of fish !! ) and we did the same there .... so I think it’s horses for courses on whether it’s ok or not !

Calvinsmam · 23/01/2019 09:30

3 nights!!

I think it would be difficult to say ‘no Max I don’t want to pay for your daughter’ especially when everyone else is.

Shimy · 23/01/2019 09:49

I’m organising my daughters hen do ... I approached all 24 hens and asked if it was ok if we covered the bride ( it’s a 3 night affair in a uk stately home party house thing ... ) they were all ok with it

No, they weren’t all okay with it, trust me Wink.

JustanotherCHRISTMASuser01 · 23/01/2019 09:59

extra £25 yeah sure probably more than that is where i start to say no

LoniceraJaponica · 23/01/2019 10:31

And when people start dropping out of the hen weekend Max14165 the costs per person will increase. I think it is cheeky to put this onus on the guests.

EmeraldShamrock · 23/01/2019 10:53

Max14165 I think you might end up paying your DDs stay, as many pps said the brides DM ends up covering after it was suggested to friends.
Though between 24 attendees, I may not cost much and in the UK, I would happily pay for a friend for this. Do you need to pay for food and drink too? It all adds up.

EmeraldShamrock · 23/01/2019 10:53

*It not I
I know I'm not invited Grin

Max14165 · 23/01/2019 11:09

Believe me I did my research first .. before anything was booked and it was a conversation that was had with all invited ... it’s in 6?weeks time and to date everyone has paid their share and Noone has dropped out .. it’s in the uk and didn’t cost an arm and a leg I can assure you .. these things can be done on a budget .. as I said I did my homework first .. that included sussing out what we could all afford and then asking the question ... knowing the people concerned if they didn’t want to do what we had asked I would have been told in no uncertain terms .. maybe I’m just lucky with her circle of friends .. but please .. don’t assume to know what her friends did or did not want to do .. as I said maybe I was just very lucky Grin

doyouneedtoknow · 23/01/2019 11:43

I am currently being booked onto a hen do and only the hen party are copied in on the organising emails, not the bride. So we are splitting the cost of the brides stay between us. It is a few days away, but as there are around fourteen of us it is only around £20 each, which isn't so bad.

thecatsthecats · 23/01/2019 11:49

I find that different friend groups set their own standards too.

In one group, the standard is a minimum of £200 for a weekend away, usually excluding a meal and transport.

In another, the standard is no more than £130, for the same kind of plans, plus we all travel together, with petrol for drivers.

No prizes for guessing which are more fun.

Calvinsmam · 23/01/2019 11:51

But it all adds up.

So if there’s 14 of you then that must mean the weekend is costing around £280

It might only be an extra £20 but then you have to get travel and buy drinks and all the little extra bits, then you have to attend the wedding which costs money as well.

The bride not be cc’d into the organisation emails but she’ll have been what kind of event she wants, whether a small or a trip away or a cottage somewhere.

Those £20’s soon add up if you’re attending a few hen nights in a year.

Girlicorne · 23/01/2019 11:54

YANBU. When I was sorting my sister's hen do I suggested this and got shouted down, lots of other people could not afford it which was absolutely fine so me and my mum covered her costs. They have been
unreasonable and should have asked for opinions first, hen dos are expensive enough!

RussellSprout · 23/01/2019 11:56

Well the bride is paying for you to come to the wedding isn't she.

Calvinsmam · 23/01/2019 11:57

Well the bride is paying for you to come to the wedding isn't she.

Yeah because she chose to get married.

And most weddings end up costing more to attend than the price of the meal, especially when you add in any overnight stays and the wedding gift.