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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU - Splitting the cost of the bride for the hen do between the hens?

233 replies

HenDoo · 20/01/2019 23:32

I’ve name changed for this as paranoid the bridesmaids are on here! My friend’s hen do is coming up, and planning is underway for a few days abroad. I don’t know any of the bridesmaids very well, and have never met the one who is organising it.

The MOH has just put on the group chat that we will be splitting the cost of the brides share between all of us. There was no question of asking if everyone was okay with paying this, it was just kind of announced, and no one else has questioned it yet.

Am I being a tightarse for resenting being expected to stump up another £50 (minimum - might be more as still not booked anything yet)? I know it's "only" £50, but I’m on a fairly tight budget this year as hopefully buying a house, and am literally crawling towards pay day right now! I have a few hen dos to go to, which all seem to have creeping costs Confused,

Is it the norm to split the brides share of her hen do between the guests now?!

OP posts:
Original poster
HenDoo · 21/01/2019 00:11

@PyongyangKipperbang

I don't have kids yet, will be ttc later on this year, hopefully by then we've bought a house! I feel bad because I told my friend I couldn't afford to go abroad originally, but she asked me again a few times and I caved and said I'd go.

When I say "crawling towards payday" - I put the majority of my wages into savings as soon as I get paid. So technically I have money, but I won't let myself use it because it's for the house deposit.

OP posts:
NewYoiker · 21/01/2019 00:12

I've just been sent a costing for a hen do that will cost £180 for 2 nights plus 2 activities they're so expensive now! We're covering the cost of the bride too.

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/01/2019 00:16

So you have other commitments. In this case, your house deposit. No one has the right to expect you to put back such an important thing for their fucking holiday! And to expect you to pay for them on top......no, no, no. She should never have hassled you once you said you couldnt go.

I really would back out now before anything is booked, and I bet you will find that if you do it then a fair few others will follow suit in quick succession.

delboysskinandblister · 21/01/2019 00:18

This needs reigning in a bit don't you think. Cut your cloth. Otherwise it's not going to be a jolly memory but hell. Same for the oher ones you are attending this year. Plan your money what can you afford - enjoy but don't bankrupt yourself or get into thousands of debt. £300-£400. Have you thought about who pays for what if travel plans go to cock or weather doesn't allow and then you have to cancel. Think about the contingencies. If you think it may be £300 - £400, you know it's going to be twice that don't you.

Be honest and sort this. I bet you're not the only one who read that on the group chat and thought 'Fuck - January is a 5 week month and I've already got xyz before payday'.

Scale back. Smile

Purplecatshopaholic · 21/01/2019 00:24

I didnt have a Hen Do, we ran off and got married abroad (currently divorcing - but that was over 20 years ago). Been on various hen dos since and I must admit I would assume the various hens split the cost of the bride...

Planesmistakenforstars · 21/01/2019 01:15

For a few days abroad I don't think it's on. It's especially out of order if it wasn't made clear that it was the intention from the start, so everyone knew what the costs would be. I'd decline personally.

Merryoldgoat · 21/01/2019 01:39

I arranged my own hen night (because I didn’t want any shit like this), paid for myself and provided food.

I’ve been MOH 3 times and they’ve all paid their share and wouldn’t have expected otherwise.

They were also one night in our home city and we put up out of towners between us.

I’m sorry, hen nights should be one day/night of fun and not cost more than £100.

We managed an activity including l brunch, cocktails, dinner and drinks on that a few months ago in London.

RoseWreath · 21/01/2019 01:59

Yanbu
I'm past the wedding/hens dos stage now but I would be very resentful of this.
All the hens I went to were day/night events. A holiday is simply too much to ask a group of friends to commit too, let alone ask for them to pay for the hen as well. Completely unfair of the bride/moh to arrange.

I would make your apologies now op, if you are unable to budget for this somehow.

I really feel for you and others who have these occasion obligations put upon them. Very unfair. People need to realise that weddings do not need to be these enormous occasions. It puts such a burden on the guests who may have several weddings (and engagement parties, hens, kitchen teas etc) a year to budget and pay for.

MrsTerryPratcett · 21/01/2019 02:08

Drinks? Yes. Meal? Yes. Cabs? Yes.

A flipping multi-day holiday? Bollocks to that [old gimmer]

theworldistoosmall · 21/01/2019 02:12

I wouldn't go. £300-£400+ on the hen. Then the wedding will be in the middle of nowhere and possibly with a batshit dress code, either way, another £150+ (travel, accommodation etc) plus of course the gift from the wish list £50+. Oh and let's not forget the hair and make up for yourself and the bride. Before you know it you've spent at least £600 to watch someone get married and have a sub-standard meal if you're lucky!!

I would rather spend £600 on something far more enjoyable. My limit for anyone's celebration is £100.

halfwitpicker · 21/01/2019 02:30

God where will all this nonsense about hen dos end? Paying for their freaking weekend abroad?

Seriously? It's so self indulgent. As if anyone gives a shiny shite

halfwitpicker · 21/01/2019 02:32

Whatever happened to a trip to a pub followed by a tacky nightclub?

^

This, really.

SusanneLinder · 21/01/2019 02:36

Nope, we always covered the cost of the bride, but it was a cheapish night ( meal out, pub crawl etc).
Hen dos seem to involve Las Vegas/Ibiza and some shite now. Not paying for that.

Winterberriesonatree · 21/01/2019 03:09

We got married in 1982 and were pretty skint. The hen do was just a few female friends having a curry together. We split the bill as none of us had much money, yet I still have very fond memories of that night. After the wedding I moved away from home with my DH and sadly saw little of my old friends after this.

It isn't about spending loads of money, it is often about spending time with friends.

Shoxfordian · 21/01/2019 05:48

You should have been more assertive op and not agreed to the weekend away if you don't want to spend money on it.

I think everyone usually gets the bride's drinks or food but I wouldn't expect my bridesmaids to pay for my weekend away. It sounds like you have the money though and you've already agreed to go abroad so you can't easily back out now

PregnantSea · 21/01/2019 06:02

I paid for myself at my hen do, bar some nice fancy cocktails that the girls bought for me at the start of the night. I think that's enough to be honest. £50 each between how many of you? If it's more than 3 then that's ridiculous, if she's doing something that expensive she should pay for herself. I'm not into big hen dos though - maybe that's the norm for some people.

MoreCheeseDear · 21/01/2019 06:03

Another ancient bride here.

Hen dos have got way out of hand. It's plain rude to expect friends to spend huge amounts of money in addition to all the expense of being a wedding guest. Guests seem to be expected to stay in hotels for weddings these days.

Plain selfish. The bride will be getting a holiday after the wedding daft to expect friends to pay for one a few weeks before.

cricketmum84 · 21/01/2019 06:04

Well all the hen do's I've been on (not including mine) we have all paid towards the brides costs.

Came to my turn and I had a MOH who couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery. Ended up booking and paying for the entire thing with hens paying me back in drive and drabs. Bless them though they all put a lot of effort into making the weekend amazing with games, gift bags, special touches so I can't complain too much!

Teddyreddy · 21/01/2019 06:04

Does the 300 to 400 pound cost include meals and drinks, or just flights, accommodation and activities? I'd be very careful to be clear on this, the overseas hen do I had to pay for the bride on it didn't and we were expected to pick up the tab for her for those too!

Dunin · 21/01/2019 06:05

I definitely wouldn’t go to a hen party that cost £300-400! That’s way too much money.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 21/01/2019 06:19

It seems to be a more recent innovation. I've been married 14 years and everyone paid their own share on my hen do - me included.

FlagFish · 21/01/2019 06:22

On all the hen dos I’ve been to, the bride paid for themselves.

FlagFish · 21/01/2019 06:23

But like the above poster I got married 15 years ago - maybe this has changed?

KC225 · 21/01/2019 06:25

I think the bride is out of order. You said 'sorry I can come abroad' and she asked you a few times. She was selfish to keep asking, it would be different if SHE had offered to pay for you. I know it was the MIL who has ordered everyone to cover the brides ticket but the bride just know this is happening or else she would sending her deposit in. If I were you, I would text the MIL and say, you had initially said 'No' and now you are saying NO - the costs keep spiralling and they are too high. Offer to the take the bride out to dinner when they return.

Claudia1980 · 21/01/2019 06:25

That’s normal . Every hen do I’ve ever been to (including mine) the bride didn’t pay for a thing.

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