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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Splitting the cost of the bride for the hen do between the hens?

233 replies

HenDoo · 20/01/2019 23:32

I’ve name changed for this as paranoid the bridesmaids are on here! My friend’s hen do is coming up, and planning is underway for a few days abroad. I don’t know any of the bridesmaids very well, and have never met the one who is organising it.

The MOH has just put on the group chat that we will be splitting the cost of the brides share between all of us. There was no question of asking if everyone was okay with paying this, it was just kind of announced, and no one else has questioned it yet.

Am I being a tightarse for resenting being expected to stump up another £50 (minimum - might be more as still not booked anything yet)? I know it's "only" £50, but I’m on a fairly tight budget this year as hopefully buying a house, and am literally crawling towards pay day right now! I have a few hen dos to go to, which all seem to have creeping costs Confused,

Is it the norm to split the brides share of her hen do between the guests now?!

OP posts:
RomanyRoots · 22/01/2019 00:27

I went out with my mates, dressed up daft, had a laugh and got pissed. They bought my drinks and take away.
We had to say what pubs we were going in to avoid the stag. Grin

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 22/01/2019 07:52

IHNRTFT Don’t go, if you have several hen dos this year attending one or three can put your plans to buy the house a good few months year back.

Honestly, I don’t get the bride for insisting you so much to come when you have already say you can’t afford it. How very selfish and disconsiderate! When somebody says that to you is the moment you shut up and stop asking them to spend their money to make their day better. Simples

Cmcfl1 · 22/01/2019 10:47

I organised a hen do abroad for my best friend however this was going to be split between everyone going as all the excursions etc were included in the price however her mum ended up just paying for her...What we ended up doing was when ever a kitty was being put in for drinks or dinner etc the bride never paid. Everyone was happy with that

Shimy · 22/01/2019 10:51

Thank God I’m well past the age of hen dos Hmm, it all sounds horrendous.

Somersetlady · 22/01/2019 11:02

I paid for the accommodation for my hen for everyone. It was in the Uk. It wouldn’t have entered my head to ask people to pay themselves. Turning up was enough.

PurpleTrilby · 22/01/2019 11:09

Sod that, save up your deposit, keep your own life on track as you have planned it. Absolutely nuts to fork out for this and really fucking rude of the bride to pressure you or anyone else. You said no at the beginning, go back to that.

I once shared a house with a man who was also saving for a deposit, he stated flatly that he would not be paying one pound more per week for the house kitty because of that. We respected his decision, over that tiny sum - his life, his money, his choice. You're all adults, not school girls competing in the playground to be the most generous and bestest friend of the bride.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 22/01/2019 11:14

IMO these things have got completely out of hand.

If more people simply refused to go - weren't afraid to say, sorry, but it's just too expensive - maybe they would cease to be such a 'thing'.

Even if people do have the money, they very likely want it for other things - their own holidays, emergency fund, saving for a deposit, etc.

There is also the question of using up precious days of leave, when it's more than a weekend.

Just attending a wedding can be quite expensive enough, what with transport, often a hotel, drinks, present, etc.

Time for a No! campaign?

FlipF · 22/01/2019 11:24

Wouldn't you be pleased if your hen do was planned and all paid for?

No, I would hate it. Why should anyone pay for me when they already have to pay for themselves. I think it would be awkward and I’d feel grabby.

OP, The thing that would worry me is the fact you don’t know the their bridesmaids. What if they all want to do things that cost lots of money and you are the only one who wants to be careful. I would hate not to know what the costs are beforehand.
Personally I would back out and I’d do it now. If your friend is pissed off with you then she isn’t a nice friend....

If I were you I’d phone our friend and let her know. I wouldn’t break the news to her on the group chat.

You would be really silly to go if you don’t want to. You would regret it.

IdblowJonSnow · 22/01/2019 12:38

Pretty sure I paid my share. I also put in an extra 100 quid to take sting out of evening meal on first night as felt guilty about people shelling out!! The bottom line is if u can afford it or not. Or u could say you'll pay the 50 but not any more than that? It's not nice to just be told that really is it, without any discussion. Yanbu!

HerondaleDucks · 22/01/2019 12:52

I've tried really hard to pay for my hen do and pay my way but my bridesmaid and friends won't hear of it. I plan on buying them all drinks on the night to try and pay something towards it! I think it is an expectation, I've tried really hard for it to not be that way but I've been shouted down. It's very kind and I understand that if people cannot afford it then they should not be forced to come. I've had nothing to do with the planning of it so I have no idea what's happening.

HomeMadeMadness · 22/01/2019 12:54

I agree with PP who said just don't go. I'd have no problem paying for the bride for a meal and drink in town but no way would I be paying for a holiday I don't want with people I don't know and stumping up for someone else's holiday too.

coolcahuna · 22/01/2019 14:13

I'm organising a hen do at the moment for my friend, I've been really mindful of the cost and changed the plans to bring it in at £130 each and that includes the hotel, food, drinks, taxis and activities. The only other money they will need to spend is on extra drinks and lunch. The bride is also paying for herself and has insisted on it being that way.

Its really tough when you don't know the group and what people can afford. I know my friend would not want people to spend loads which is why we have arranged it this way. Hopefully she will love it but it has been stressful to bring it under budget!

Lemoneeza · 22/01/2019 16:05

you're skint and trying to save for something worthwhile. so cut out all non essential spending. it's a no brainer.

Lifeofsmiley · 22/01/2019 16:16

According to some posters that’s not acceptable lemoneeza, if she has the money she should want to spend it on her friend and not keep it for something worthwhile like a house deposit.

Lemoneeza · 22/01/2019 16:18

this madness needs to stop! Confused

hopelessatthinkingupusernames · 22/01/2019 16:22

Fine to cover a meal for the bride or an activity (when I organised my friend’s I asked everyone to pay an extra £3 to cover her ticket to a show, which everyone was fine with). I wouldn’t pay for someone else to go abroad tho!

Drum2018 · 22/01/2019 16:34

Well clearly Claudia1980 was a CF bridezilla herself so won't grasp the concept that the world does not revolve around her. And that goes for anyone who thinks that another person should fund their hen trip abroad.

Op revet to your original plan - do not go. I wouldn't care if it was my sister. If you don't have funds to waste on this bullshit trip then that's that. Your house deposit really has to take priority. This trip and all the future hen parties you're expected to attend will be long forgotten in a few months, meanwhile you'll still be trying to get a foot on the property ladder. Send a message saying that as costings for the trip are increasing you will not be in a position to go. And don't engage in any further discussion about it with anyone.

Drum2018 · 22/01/2019 16:36

'revert' to your original plan

nuitdesetoiles · 22/01/2019 17:38

Usually chip in a bit extra to cover the bride. I organised my sisters and it was £27 each! Which covered meal, club entry and life drawing event (if they wanted to do it!)...But would never expected it for a trip!! Bit £££ imo

Zoejj77 · 22/01/2019 17:53

A night out maybe, but a trip abroad is too much. bride to be should pay for herself

browneyes77 · 22/01/2019 17:56

So you have other commitments. In this case, your house deposit. No one has the right to expect you to put back such an important thing for their fucking holiday! And to expect you to pay for them on top......no, no, no. She should never have hassled you once you said you couldnt go.

I really would back out now before anything is booked, and I bet you will find that if you do it then a fair few others will follow suit in quick succession.

This ^

There is no way in hell I would expect my friends to pay for my hen do. Never.

And never in all the hen dos I’ve been to have my friends expected me to pay for them either. We’ve all paid for ourselves.
We’ve bought drinks and chipped in for meals - but because we wanted to not because we were expected or forced to.

I think hen do’s these days are becoming ridiculous. £300-400 for a hen do is outrageous.

You’ve already told your friend you couldn’t afford to go abroad. I’d stick with that and bow out. Keep your hard earned money to pay for your own future. Your future home is more important than a girls knees up and spending money from your savings will only put you back in being able to pay for your own future. And you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your own happiness for someone else’s.

Usuallyinthemiddle · 22/01/2019 17:57

Under no other circumstances do you decide to do something that costs other people a fortune. Weddings turn people weird! Do not feel bad about saying no. You're not paying for holidays this year as you're buying a house. Have a lovely time bride. See you at the wedding.

importantkath · 22/01/2019 18:00

What other people have said. Meal and drinks, yes. Holiday? No way

Kahil · 22/01/2019 18:04

This is fairly standard IME but is split between the whole hen party.

Honeyroar · 22/01/2019 18:05

I think that it's cheeky enough wanting your hens to have to pay go abroad for the hen do as well as spending on outfits, rooms and presents for the wedding. To then expect your holiday paid for by your hens as well is even worse. And don't use the excuse that the chief bridesmaid is organising, and it "just happened to be in a week that you'd booked off work"!