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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU - Splitting the cost of the bride for the hen do between the hens?

233 replies

HenDoo · 20/01/2019 23:32

I’ve name changed for this as paranoid the bridesmaids are on here! My friend’s hen do is coming up, and planning is underway for a few days abroad. I don’t know any of the bridesmaids very well, and have never met the one who is organising it.

The MOH has just put on the group chat that we will be splitting the cost of the brides share between all of us. There was no question of asking if everyone was okay with paying this, it was just kind of announced, and no one else has questioned it yet.

Am I being a tightarse for resenting being expected to stump up another £50 (minimum - might be more as still not booked anything yet)? I know it's "only" £50, but I’m on a fairly tight budget this year as hopefully buying a house, and am literally crawling towards pay day right now! I have a few hen dos to go to, which all seem to have creeping costs Confused,

Is it the norm to split the brides share of her hen do between the guests now?!

OP posts:
yikesanotherbooboo · 21/01/2019 11:32

I agree with the majority, pay for bride's drinks and a meal out if you wish but not for a holiday and quite honestly £500 ( all incl) is crackers unless it is your dream as well as the bride's.
The wedding will probably cost you as well .
DD has been invited to a week long hen do abroad and is expected to pay for it and take precious holiday ,as well, from work. She has felt quite pressurised as if she is being stingy and a bad friend in saying no . She is in her mid twenties and like most of her peers barely living within her means as it is ,never mind going on someone else's holiday.
It's mad!
Even 30 yrs ago when we were in the throes of the wedding rush among our peers we couldn't afford to go to all the weddings we were invited to despite having decent professional wages and that was before the days of all these extravaganzas that seem to happen now.
Saying that my DH has been to loads of stagdos of all sorts and has only ever paid for himself and perhaps a few pints for the groom.

thecatsthecats · 21/01/2019 11:40

Calvin - oh, I agree for the holiday.

But some seem to be saying they'd be mortified at say, a dozen people splitting the price of a meal.

If I need my passport, I'm not paying for someone else!

(The hen I knew that imploded the bride was paying for herself, but the plan just didn't work. It was 'cheaper' to book the villa for the whole week - but people could only come for about 2 days without taking a week off, and the flight times meant 2 very short days! Since we were all spending on getting there, the plan was simply to chill and party by the pool - with a bunch of strangers...)

Calvinsmam · 21/01/2019 11:43

I don’t think people are saying they’d be mortified for splitting the price of a meal, the people who were saying they’d be mortified were responding to a poster saying ‘wouldn’t they be pleased to have their hen nights paid for and sorted’ (or words to that affect I can’t copy and paste on my phone), and that poster was talking about a hen night they had organised that was a trip away.

I don’t think anyone has an issue paying for a meal.

Calvinsmam · 21/01/2019 11:47

cats

^We're spending 3 nights abroad this year and we're all pitching in to pay for the bride. I've told everyone that included in what everyone has to pay is the cost of the brides weekend too. When everyone pitches in (and no asking 'is this ok is that ok' because there's always 1 that says no - and in our case, it's one of the bridesmaids, but that's a different thread in itself) it comes down to pennies and a lovely weekend for the hen!

Wouldn't you be pleased if your hen do was planned and all paid for?^

This is the post people are responding to saying they’d be mortified rather than pleased.

It’s actually shockingly entitled to just assume that everyone will pick up the brides bill for ‘a couple of nights abroad’.

ShesABelter · 21/01/2019 11:54

So it's now 350-450 and then spending money, any new clothes you need. Then you have other hen dos this year and a saving for a deposit for a house. Na fuck that, I'd not be going..

CurbsideProphet · 21/01/2019 11:57

I'm getting married this year and will be having a nice lunch with friends as my hen do. I couldn't imagine saying to all of my friends "you must spend your precious annual leave and £300+ on my life choices" Confused

fifig87 · 21/01/2019 12:00

YANBU. 50 pounds on top of 400 is a fair whack. Jesus I wouldn't go if it was 400. That is far to much to pay for a hen. I have a couple coming up this year. I'm guessing both will be a bit more than 200euro each. That's normal enough in our group at the moment for two nights away with activity or two. One of those hens will be the two nights away and one night out at home as it's the bank holiday weekend!
I wouldn't mind paying an extra 20 to cover the bride at all but 50 pounds is to much.

ShatnersWig · 21/01/2019 12:00

@CurbsideProphet Sounds perfect! I've had loads of friends get married but this upcoming one is the only one where the stag do has been a weekend (albeit in this country). All the rest have been one day or just a night in the home town. Most recent was a round of golf during the day for those who could golf, then a pint or two with a curry. Didn't even go to a pub before or after curry. Ideal.

Blueberryhill123 · 21/01/2019 12:01

What happens if there's a group of say ten close friends and five of those people happen to be getting married, all within a couple of years of each other, and the hens are supposed to fork out for the bride each time?
It'd cost a bloody fortune!, especially if the hen do"s are abroad each time! ...

And what about the other five friends who may be single and maybe won't get the opportunity to have their free holiday, paid for by everyone else?

Where do you draw the line? It's ridiculous all this 'paying for the bride pallava'

Calvinsmam · 21/01/2019 12:10

Exactly blueberry

Especially as weddings tend to cost a fortune to attend these days too.

DippyAvocado · 21/01/2019 12:22

If I was the bride, I wouldn't want anyone paying for anything for me, even a meal. Perhaps that's not the norm, but I thought the point of a hen do was to have a fun time with your friends. I don't need anyone to subsidise me, I would just be grateful that they came.

Wacadu · 21/01/2019 12:25

My hen do is imminent and costing just under £60 each. I wouldn't dream of expecting anybody else to pay that for me, never mind a holiday abroad!

MorningsEleven · 21/01/2019 12:29

My meal was paid for on my hen but we went for pizza so it was probably a fiver each. Hen dos that cost a fortune are fucking nuts.

Greenlightredlight · 21/01/2019 12:47

These bloody hen/stag dos. Not only are they ridiculously expensive and time consuming for the people involved, but they're a pain in the arse for any other guests staying in the same hotel.

Greyhound22 · 21/01/2019 13:37

Normally yes a hen party covers the cost of the hen but I think holidays abroad etc are way over the top anyway - think it's a bit much to buy them a holiday.

I was chuffed that all of mine covered my £15 afternoon tea and bought me a Christmas decoration each (Christmas wedding)

MaisyPops · 21/01/2019 17:37

If you suggest that you want a hen night abroad or a really expensive one you shouldn’t expect other people to pick up the tab.
That's my feeling.
Paying for the bride works when it's a meal and night out. Less so when it's a 3 night break to marbella where the hens have to take holiday, cover holiday expenses and then everything out there.

Then again though I also think couple should cover bridesmaids costs and people wouldn't be so quick to have a dozen bridesmaids in £200 dresses etc if they were footing the bill themselves.

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 21/01/2019 18:55

Best hen do's I went on (all old and married now) were the cheap and cheerful day/night ones where everyone was in good spirits we were genuinely celebrating. We had some fab nights out. This was early millennium period and weekends were just creeping in. Went on a couple and it was much harder work, so much pressure to have the best time, and I don't think the brides had any idea about some of the stressed conversations which were going on behind their back. Who wants that really?

They are just yet another opportunity to show off which seems to be a national past time, over and above actually relaxing and enjoying yourself.

Pringlecat · 21/01/2019 18:58

I think it's normal to pay for the bride when you're splitting the bill in a restaurant or bar. I think it's pushing it to stump up for the bride's holiday! She's probably already getting a honeymoon, why does she need an extra holiday, eh?

If you can't afford it, bail sooner rather than later. It may be awkward now - it will be much worse later.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/01/2019 19:00

Message back ”hey, sorry this is all getting a bit too expensive for me, best I back out. All have a fab time”...and exit the group

delboysskinandblister · 21/01/2019 19:25

Message back ”hey, sorry this is all getting a bit too expensive for me, best I back out. All have a fab time”...and exit the group

Then the rest will follow suit when they see how much more it will be costing them now. I like your style...Grin. Seriously OP it sounds like an absolute mugs game. Don't get yourself in hock for this.

Guineapiglet345 · 21/01/2019 19:54

Unfortunately it does seem to be the norm, and if everyone who’s going is well off and can easily afford it then it’s a nice gesture, however if that’s not the case then the bride ought to insist on paying for herself to make sure her friends don’t feel uncomfortable.

Bellendejour · 21/01/2019 20:03

This happened to me with an overseas hen do many years ago. There weren’t loads of us so it added a lot on to an already expensive trip when we were earning a pittance and one person still at uni! The hen was the only one of us who earned decent money and had her own property! It caused a lot of ill feeling and in the end there was a massive argument on the main ‘hen’ which I think was part booze, part bad vibes. If I ever get married I will pay my own bloody way on a night out in the U.K!

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 21/01/2019 20:28

I’ve helped to organise three hen dos abroad and it’s never occurred to me to ask everyone to cover the bride. Each bride specified where they wanted to go – why should everyone pay for them to have a holiday?! We chipped in for a meal and drinks etc.

Do the people who think it’s normal have a group where everyone expects to do the same and will sort of get their money back on their own hen? I can’t understand justifying hundreds on someone’s holiday just because they’re getting married.

Rubies12345 · 21/01/2019 21:14

It's not standard to pay for the bride if its a trip abroad

LoniceraJaponica · 21/01/2019 22:13

"Don't go, and don't be guilted into contributing either."

This ^^ with bells on.

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