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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU - Splitting the cost of the bride for the hen do between the hens?

233 replies

HenDoo · 20/01/2019 23:32

I’ve name changed for this as paranoid the bridesmaids are on here! My friend’s hen do is coming up, and planning is underway for a few days abroad. I don’t know any of the bridesmaids very well, and have never met the one who is organising it.

The MOH has just put on the group chat that we will be splitting the cost of the brides share between all of us. There was no question of asking if everyone was okay with paying this, it was just kind of announced, and no one else has questioned it yet.

Am I being a tightarse for resenting being expected to stump up another £50 (minimum - might be more as still not booked anything yet)? I know it's "only" £50, but I’m on a fairly tight budget this year as hopefully buying a house, and am literally crawling towards pay day right now! I have a few hen dos to go to, which all seem to have creeping costs Confused,

Is it the norm to split the brides share of her hen do between the guests now?!

OP posts:
biscuittime · 22/01/2019 18:07

No it’s not the norm ! I would of been mortified if people had paid for my hen do. I paid for my self

alltheusernames · 22/01/2019 18:11

I do not understand this culture of putting a bride and groom on a pedestal as if they have achieved something. They're getting married, they've chosen to get married, it's a happy thing, it's not something to happen to them or a birthday, and yet now people are expected to put them in the centre of their world for a whole weekend never mind the cost. Not to mention the cost of attending weddings also. It's cringeworthy and I wish it would die a death!

Impatienceismyvirtue · 22/01/2019 18:11

Every hen do I’ve ever been on (must be at least 10 now) the cost of the bride had been split between the maids. Apart from my own! I insisted that I wanted to pay my way purely because several people going were still students and I didn’t want them to struggle.

NatNoo · 22/01/2019 18:15

Not the norm when I got married although that was 12 years ago. I think my hens covered my drinks but I would have been mortified if they’d paid for the whole shebang.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplands · 22/01/2019 18:17

Not RTFT yet but ... I've never paid for the bride and when I was the Hen it would never have occurred to me to not pay my own way.
Don't think it's right to assume at all.

Butterfly84 · 22/01/2019 18:20

It is standard (from experience) for the hens to split the cost of the bride's place at the hen do.

But £300-£400 is absolutely ridiculous. I would not be going and paying that much, especially when you don't know anyone other than the bride.

Flowersandbirds · 22/01/2019 18:21

I’d be horrified if people felt that had to pay for me and that meant that they were struggling to afford it. For the same reason, I wouldn’t have anything lavish. I’d rather all my mates were there for a chippy tea and the pub than one or two wealthier ones make it to a fancy do.

PlumpSyrianHamster · 22/01/2019 18:33

YANBU. The more people start declining these OTT do's, maybe people will think twice before coming over all entitled just because they are getting married.

Maemae06 · 22/01/2019 19:09

I think that is ridiculous you would have to pay. I paid for me on mine and so did everyone I know. We went away for the night once and we all chucked a fiver in to cover the cost of the bride to be’s dinner out but that’s about it.or you might all buy her a drink each but think paying an extra £50 would be too much. I would be so embarrassed if someone had asked my friends to pay for me!! Everyone’s situation is different so it’s rude someone should assume everyone can just afford it!

Shona52 · 22/01/2019 19:23

I paid for my own hen night as I knew a few of my friends and family members were on tight budgets. I had a bbq with cocktails in parents back garden with a casino. Was an amazing time as no-one had to worry about costs.

I would just say it’s too much as you will also have costs for the wedding too

manicmij · 22/01/2019 19:30

Bride cost is usually paid for. Only been on one "away" hen do and turned expensive. Food,drink to be added. Sonc3e then have declined all and every type of hen do other than treating bride to meal or a spa treatment with her. If money is short just decline, you won't be the first. You seem not too keen anyway.

Frankthebank · 22/01/2019 19:34

Definitely the norm to pay for the bride. Perhaps not the norm to go abroad though. I'm going on a hen this weekend and we are paying for the bride.

Sleepyquest · 22/01/2019 19:56

I paid for most of my own. I felt so guilty everyone else had spent money to celebrate my wedding too

Vivianebrezilletbrooks · 22/01/2019 19:57

I'd personally not go on a hen do, I find them tacky but I always thought the bride pays for it all? To expect me to pay for myself AND the bride if I ever were to be convinced to go on one, nope nope nope. If it's abroad make that a million times nope.
I actually think these days hen nights and hen events are ass kiss the bride kind of thing.Hmm

lilyheather1 · 22/01/2019 20:01

hell no that's not the norm! And any bride who lets that slide is a selfish bint. It is HER choice to get married, it is HER choice to have a hen. She should never expect her costs to be covered by her friends. Your friend needs to realise that NO ONE cares as much about this wedding as she and her partner do, and lumping you with these costs on top of having to pay for potential hotels, gifts etc for the actual wedding is extraordinarily unfair.

PeachyPeachTrees · 22/01/2019 20:02

A decade ago I had the drinks down the pub and nightclub after type of hen do. Hens bought my drinks, which was nice but not expected.
If I had chosen to holiday abroad, I would expect to pay for myself.

Op, as you had already been talked into it, this will help with you backing out. Plan an afternoon or evening together instead.

Theluckynumberthree · 22/01/2019 20:04

Agree with most- a meal etc yes, a holiday abroad no!

Mermaid67 · 22/01/2019 20:05

'£300-400?!?!?

Whatever happened to a trip to a pub followed by a tacky nightclub?'

This is exactly what I was thinking

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 22/01/2019 20:12

Not sure exactly when hen parties became hen holidays, but I'm relieved nearly everyone close to me is already safely married. At the risk of sounding like a boring fun-killer (and one who goes to annual rock festivals to boot), it all seems more than a bit childish once you hit your early thirties.

My only experience of these things was the misfortune of sharing a flight with one of them. That alone was bad enough. You couldn't pay me to go on one of these things.

YANBU.

PlentyOfBiscuitsWithTea · 22/01/2019 20:17

YABU it’s exoected the bride doesn’t pay. The other BM is being unreasonable if she’s booked something out of everyone’s budgets though.
Ugh, hen dos. There’s always someone who “can’t afford it” which I find so annoying. (And I’m not rolling in it!)

Clionba · 22/01/2019 20:21

It's because people have much more of a disposable income now, and expectations are higher. As pp have said (here and on another thread) hen dos used to be an evening in a wine bar or pub, or a meal out. Me and my friends got married 30ish years ago and that was the norm. We were lucky if we got an overseas honeymoon! It just seems to put pressure on people, instead of it being a fun get together.

Honeyroar · 22/01/2019 20:22

It's one thing to share the cost if it's a meal, but for a holiday it's taking the piss, expecting too much. You're only getting married, for goodness sake!

LoniceraJaponica · 22/01/2019 21:49

No, YABU Plenty Hmm
Why should a hen party stump up for the bride on a weekend abroad?

delboysskinandblister · 22/01/2019 21:53

Why not throw in the shared cost of her house and her divorce lawyer while you're at it. These things are just stealth boasts and no one can afford them. The world's gone mad.

Pinkprincess1978 · 22/01/2019 22:28

Now this has made me realise something for the first time.

A few years ago I helped organise with the other bridesmaids (but mainly me) a hen do. It was a weekend away in this country. Bride wanted a few things including going away for 2 nights. Myself and one bridesmade were happy with two nights, moh and 3 other guests only wanted to do one night. Finding good value hotel was really difficult due to numbers and one guest not wanting to share.

Anyway I paid for brides activity on the first night (it was just the three of us) the 3 bridesmaids all chipped in for some food and drinks to share before we went out then all 5 guests chipped in for brides activity (which was maybe £6 extra each. I bought a couple of drinks for bride while out. I think all weekend all she paid for was two bar meals (do cheap) and a few drinks.

It came to check out on the Sunday and she made a comment about not expecting the hotel room to be as much as it was (I think it worked out at £100 each so £50 a night for a four star hotel which I thought was good).

Now after reading this I think maybe she was expecting us to all pay for her hotel!

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